Peter Brady Part 5: Tacos.

Gentle readers, we began this morning with what our husband calls our “news of the day,” PeoplE (said just that way). In which we learn that Crazy Eyes from season McConaughy, The Big Fedetowski, AND La Ca from that season with the Prince of Bolognese are all pregnant with their first children.  What.  WHAT.   On one level, we are not surprised because all of them are old enough to give birth to the current children on the show.   On another level:  WHAT.  We shall apparently learn more on February 14, when ABC airs some sort of special about 20 Seasons of Love.

And then it hits us: We have been writing about this show for 20 seasons.  TWENTY SEASONS.  We feel old. 

Here we are in Mexico City, the “political and cultural capital of Mexico,” Peter Brady advises us.  He’s excited to be in the City.  The women are excited to fly coach to the Hotel Amanda, of which ABC shows too much in an awkward “this entire set is product placement” advertisement.  More interestingly, one of these women saw a hot pink long sleeve crop top in Macy’s and said “I think I’ll wear that today.”   And Olivia, who We Do Not Like (None of Us), is “convinced” that she and Peter Brady have a “love language reserved for us.” 

Date Card #1 comes for Alvin and All her Chipmunks:  “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket.”  We cringe because we know this is going to mean hearing her voice.  A lot.  We cringe again when Olivia advises us that she is surprised because Alvin (*knowing look*) “DOES have children.”

We hate her.

So Peter Brady thinks it will be fun to begin this date by jolting everyone awake with a flashlight at 4:20 a.m. to “see the girls in their element.” Homeslice wouldn’t wake this Author up because we’d be up already, blogging about his sorry ass.  But the Dern is horrified, even though she is not the least terrifying woman without her makeup on.  “It’s ok, I sleep with a retainer too,” says Peter Brady.

And then he asks our favorite question in all of Season Peter Brady:  “Whose weave is this?”

No one owns it.

Alvin and all of her Chipmunks wakes up immediately and like a Disney Princess. We chalk the instant wake up to having two children under age 4 and strongly suspect she could go from a dead sleep to slicing grapes in 2 seconds.  The Disney Princess we suspect is because production warned her.

However, we cannot explain Alvin’s choice of top, which is like a wrapped towel and two arm floaties.   We don’t understand this top.  And, we become increasingly irritated by it as she and Peter Brady cozy up in a giant car on their way to a hot air balloon. Babies, she is going to drift topless over various Ancient Cities and Pyramids and all she can say is “I feel really lucky that you picked me” as he smells her hair.

But it gets more awkward:   Peter Brady literally lays Alvin down in a field and continues playing with her hair. 

Peter Brady:  “I just want to see who you are.”
ABe:  “He just wants to bang her.”

Alvin says something soft about being nervous to tell him about her marriage, which was “not good,” and we simultaneously feel sorry for her and also, irritated at the whole Delicate Kitten thing.   But then she destroys all of our feelings of charitability by wearing this to dinner:

We wore this outfit once.
As a DOLL in the NUTCRACKER.

But then our heart grows three sizes because Alvin tells Peter Brady, without tears or drama, that she was married to the father of her two children, but that he did not want to be married particularly, and so always had priorities other than her and the girl.  He was not nice to her, and then, when she was pregnant with baby #2, she learned that he was basically Josh Duggar.  And there was a time when she was embarrassed about all of this, because she tried and failed at this relationship, but she is past that now. 

Well.

Peter Brady simultaneously pees in a circle around Alvin (“She deserves love.  I am privileged to be the one to show her love.  How some guy let Alvin walk out of his life, I don’t get”) and also humble brags (“It doesn’t quite make sense that someone like you, would be sitting with someone like me [who holds your fate in my hands, lowly contestant that is only here because of my choices].”).  

She gets the rose, and we suddenly feel very tired.

While this is happening, another date card has come from the women back at Hotel Product Placement.  “como se dice this way to a man’s heart,” it reads.  And it is for Jubilee, Hemingway, Jo Jo, Caila, Beast Emily, Lauren LaurEN, Jennifer, Leah, aaaand Olivia.   The Dern is thrilled because this means she gets the next 1:1 date:

The Dern: “I can’t believe I get to like, experience Mexico, and like, be with him, and experience him.”
Olivia:  “Ugh. I am happy for The Dern, but Peter Brady is mine.  It’s not even like a want, anymore.  IT’S A NEED.”

Peter Brady reads a Spanish/English dictionary as he waits for the women on a curbside because that is certainly a safe way to present yourself in Mexico City.   As the women approach, we try to understand why Hemingway has chosen to wear a floral couch on this date.  Meanwhile, ABe dives for something to cover her head because Jubilee begins to express grouchiness at having to go on a group date and We All Know From Previews that this is the episode in which Jubilee Melts Down. 

Jubilee:  “I don’t like competing with other women for Peter Brady.”
ABe:  “Have you ever even watched this show?”

The group date starts in Spanish class.  Jo Jo is confused:  “I thought that we were cooking or eating.” That will happen at some point, gentle readers, but first they must all learn how to say romantical things to each other in Spanish, taught by what is no doubt an impoverished adjunct faculty member at some university that has forced him to teach a class on a Saturday by reminding him of his complete lack of job security.

Adjunct Faculty Member soldiers on:  “Te Amo.”
Girl Collective:  “Te Amo.”
Adjunct Faculty Member:  “Si usted recibe este mensaje, que me ayude.” 
Just kidding.

At any rate, the women line up to practice saying sweet nothings in espanol to Peter Brady, but Jubilee gives him shade. 
Peter Brady: “Te amo.”
Jubilee: “You already said that to 4 women, so.”

This author pulls her sweatshirt over her head.

Olivia, of course, “knows Spanish.” We wonder if she “knows Spanish” like this Author knows French:  badly, and mainly one dirty word.   But she tells Peter Brady that she is the mujer for him and then crows to the camera that she can feel the “ElectriciTAY” when they speak.

Up next. . . a short walk to a restaurant, where the group is going to cook Mexican food together under the tutelage of brother-sister chefs.   Olivia breaks it down for us:

 Olivia:  “So we get a taste of Mexico in the Spanish language, and now we are getting a taste of Mexico through our stomachs, is what I am thinking.” 
ABe:  “this is why you can’t take a 23 year old seriously,”
ABe again:  “I hate this show.  You are so mean for making me watch this.”

So it’s a cook off, in which the women must pair up, shop for ingredients in Spanish, and then cook various aspects of a meal for the chefs to taste.   Peter Brady is excited because he loves to cook, reminding us that he is probably Not A Fuckwit in real life.  Unfortunately, he pairs up with Olivia, who is over confident:  “If we have 1:1 time, it’s going to solidify everything.  I’m Olivia.  I’m back.  Whoaw!”

Jubilee sulks over this news, and ABe expresses the anxiety of having all people of color condensed into a single person on a television show, and then discounted by the show by making them appear crazy. We feel bad for Jubilee, who, while having her entire family die, being adopted out of an orphanage at age 6 and serving two tours in Afghanistan all by the age of 24, has still found time to learn how to play the cello and cook a mean streak, and yet has so many levels of PTSD that she is basically defeating herself on this show.  

Blah Blah Olivia feeds Peter Brady as they shop, to the horror of the other contestants.  Peter Brady is oblivious, so delighted is he to be cooking:
Him:  “I am no longer the bachelor.  I’m the spatchelor.” 
ABe:  “That was terrible.  Negative points for that.”

At last it is the taste test.  The chefs bravely sit down and advise the women of a Mexican saying:  “When a woman is ready to get married, she knows how to cook.”  We secretly think that if the same was true of men, we would truly have a Bachelor Nation.

The chefs try ceviche, stuffed peppers, and then tacos made by Jo Jo:
“Ben already tasted my tacos,” she says.  “He loved them.”
We have no words.  

 Olivia, in a horrifying yet wholly unsurprising move, manages to disrespect a culture and its people with her description of her dish:  “Peter Brady and I made a duck sandwich.  I put crickets on it because people here love crickets.”  Thank you, Olivia. 

Team Jubilee and Lauren LaurEN knock it out of the park, with a dish so good that the chefs declare I should be in the restaurant.  Jubilee reveals that she loves to cook, but is still sulking in a corner.

The sulking only continues at the drinks-after-cooking part of this date.  Jubilee wants to beat Olivia to 1:1 time with Peter Brady but does not.   As Olivia wants to “reconnect” with Peter Brady and declares that he “gives me everything I need,” Jubilee sinks further into a brown study.   Then, when Emily, Hemingway, and Jennifer (who we do not know) take time with him, she becomes even more salty.

The last straw is Peter Brady’s time with Lauren LaurEN, who has chosen to wear a white midriff bearing top and long white skirt on this date.

KMu, who has emerged from the bar fight that was putting her children to bed, speaks the truth:
That skirt is completely see-through.  You can see her ass.  And not just the shape of it.”

We hand KMu a post-bar fight wine.  And a cookie.  And then we all stare in horror as Peter Brady takes Lauren LaurEN to a street corner and they kiss forever. 

 “Thank you,” says Lauren LaurEN.
“No, thank YOU” says Peter Brady.
Blech.

And then, it is curtains for Jubilee. As Peter Brady finally tries to have some time with her, she refuses to hold hands “because I don’t want to make anyone [of the other women] feel awkward.”  She then begins what has become an exhausting litany of her insecurities:   (1) “do you remember me?” (2) “do you remember our times together?” (3) “I don’t know how to compete with all the Jo Jos and Laurens and Beccas.” Blahdy blah

KMu:  “Notice that they are all plural, right?”

Peter Brady tells Jubilee that he used to feel like he had something with her, but now he I not confident.  He tells her that she is pulling away from him.  Jubilee unhelpfully tells him that she doesn’t want him to feel like she is pulling back and begs him not to “give up on me.”  And then it is her death knell:

Peter Brady:  “Do you feel like there could still be something between us.” 
Jubilee punts:  “I just want YOU to tell ME that there is something.”
This Author:  “GAH GAH GAH GAH.”
Peter Brady:  “I do not.”  

As ABe begs Jubilee to make a classy exit, she does.  And then Jubilee cries in the corner, and Peter Brady cries in the stairwell and this Author cries for what could have been but for the fact that, as ABe observes, “She got in her own way.”

We rage against ABC for attracting damaged women.  But then we become distracted. 
KMu:  “Wait, did that hotel sign say ‘Hotel Downtown Mexico?’ Is that really where they are right now?”
KMu (now singing) : “Welcome to the Hotel Downtown Mexicooooo.”

This observation takes place over top of the Girl Collective wondering where Jubilee is and why she has been gone for so long with Peter Brady and blahdy blah.
ABe:  “God, I can’t stand it when they discuss stupid petty shit.”
KMu:  “Respectfully, that is the whole show.”

So Peter Brady eventually comes back into the room and tries to tell the women about letting Jubilee go, but Jo Jo interrupts him and steals him away.  This has to be the first season in which a bachelor has been interrupted so repeatedly and aggressively when telling Hard Items.  We grow annoyed at Jo Jo, who tells him about how he handled the whole Jubilee thing “so respectfully” and then reassures him that he only has “10 more to go” when he tells her he is done breaking up with people.

KMu, for All of Us: “Everything about that felt manipulative.  Let me steal you away.  Let me tell you how awesome you are.  Tell you there aren’t many more.”

This group date ends terribly, with OLIVIA getting the rose.

No.  No. NO NO NO.

Before we even have time to process this reality, we are off to Date #3 with The Dern.  She is wearing tiny shorts and a tuxedo shirt (short in the front, long in the back).
KMu tries to look on the bright side about the Dern: “She’s not the most objectionable of the women.  Which is sort of like saying she’s the tallest midget, but still.”

They go shopping and meet a designer who tells them “all of our designs are inspired by nature” as he shows butterflies and dew drop designs. 
We imagine Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

Surprise, The Dern and Peter Brady are going to continue this date by going to a fashion show.   In which they also will be walking. The Dern is freaking out:  “I’m a kindergarten teacher.  The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess.”  Ha ha.   But neither she nor Peter Brady fall, even though we think he is terribly dressed in a giant nipple shirt.

At dinner, The Dern tells Peter Brady that she felt like he handled the Jubilee departure “so admirably,” and then reveals that, like Alvin and all her Chipmunk, The Dern also had a boyfriend of 4 years who cheated on her. But after being sad for awhile, she decided that she could either “be the victim or to be happy.  And I choose to be happy.”  She is now ready to “open up and let someone in.”

ABe:  Don’t ever use that phrase on this show.”
KMu:  “Tallest midget, but I like her.”

She gets the rose.   As this date fades to black, The Dern and Peter Brady make out on the street beside a street musician playing the harp.

Back at the house, Olivia is painting her nails and declaring that she is not threatened by anyone because we all don’t remember her freaking out about feeling threatened last week.  But suddenly we don’t care because we all see Emily.

Simultaneously:
KMu:  “Wait so, she was cold, so she puts socks on. That makes sense.”
ABe:  “She’s like, “gee I don’t know why I am cold.  I need a flannel shirt . . . and some socks.”

Dance off Pants off Emily is describing her Very Good Idea to Jennifer: “I think that Peter Brady DESERVES to know that Olivia is making me feel uncomfortable.”  Absolutely, Emily.  He deserves to know that.

At last it is the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, to which Jo Jo is wearing this:

“That dress actually makes me angry,” says ABe.  “Just when it ends . . . it begins again.” 

“It is like scotch tape over her unmentionables,” concludes KMu.

Meanwhile, Olivia is in fine form: “Screw being insecure.   I got the group date rose.  Reporting live from Mexico city, I am falling for ben.”

We are already tired of Olivia.  And also of Jo Jo, who exacts a promise from Peter Brady that he will always keep her informed of his feelings.  AND of Lauren LaurEN who reveals that she “really, REALLY likes” Peter Brady.   

And then all of us rise up in defense of Alvin, who expresses anxiety that her ex is supposed to be watching her kids, but she is not confident that the responsibility is not simply falling to her mother.

“I feel like this is an episode of Teen Mom.” Says Olivia.

We gasp.   Alvin and Emily are both stunned into silence. 

Olivia then fakely tears up:  “I am learning a lot about myself out here.  I’m sorry.  I’m really going to try harder.”  What? And also, WHAT?

In any event, Emily decides to take it upon herself to tell Peter Brady about Olivia’s meanness, because she really is the victim here.   This show, gentle readers, “really makes you dig down deep and figure out who the f—you are, in a good way.”  Says she.   So she cries to Peter Brady, which makes Peter Brady question whether he is actually seeing the true Olivia.   He tries to assess this further in 1: 1 time with Olivia (who has since stalked him because she is concerned that Emily will tell him bad things about her).

. . . AND this episode ends on a cliffhanger, in which Peter Brady tells Olivia  he wants to talk to her one more time before the rose ceremony begins.

Our friend BMa, who has been expressing outrage throughout Peter Brady Part 5 via The Textos, Speaks the Truth for All of Us:  “I sat through this shit and I want someone to go home, I deserve that.”

But we must all wait, gentle readers, until next week. 

Love,

-KLo