Peter Brady Part 4: Because Palm Springs.

Babies, we are in Palm Springs this week.  So far, we have seen a baby named “RenEsmee” because Twilight, viewed a great deal of luxury vehicles, bought bigger pants, and stumbled across this:

As Peter Brady Part Pacific Time is Brutal begins, we learn that everyone is going to Vegas.  SQEEEEL.  As the women run around packing, someone says there are “not a lot of us” (12?  15?), and another person says there is a “weird vibe.”  The twins are thrilled because they are actually FROM Vegas.   But Olivia.  Oh Olivia, is “coming from a place of confidence.”  We are mostly interested in the fact that ABC now lists her as “24.” She either had a birthday or they’re inching her stated age back to when Christ was born, episode by episode.

 After Peter Brady drives a classic car down the strip, we see the women making fools out of themselves when a billboard lights up with “Can’t wait to see you soon, Love Ben.”  Jo Jo declares this the “most romantic thing ever,” and we question her judgment (more on that later).  The Dern, gentle readers, “feels like a baller.”  Soon they are running around a luxury suite at the Aria when the first date card comes for Jo Jo:  “You set my heart on fire.”  Ooo.  Maybe they are going to set EACH OTHER on fire.

Blah blah Olivia:  “I am not threatened by anyone. Ben is my peace.  I’m Zen with Ben.”
This Author’s Mother:  “Make her stop.”
(This Author’s Father has abandoned us and is now reading a book, after declaring “I have tried to watch that show and it is physically painful.”).

Peter Brady picks up Jo Jo, and we try to become excited for this date because at least she is not blonde.

“Jo Jo = generic composite of bachelor women,” whispers ABe across the miles.

But then we are distracted because we discover the black ballet skirt which has agreed to hang, FOR NOW, on A Portion of Jo Jo’s chest.   We gasp further when we discover that it is tied in the back but otherwise completely open. It’s like Jo Jo could not decide between a skirt or shorts for this date, so she decided to wear both In Different Areas.

We see no use for this top except to show off Jo Jo’s spray tan.  This Author got a spray tan once.  It was like an episode of “Naked and Afraid.” 

Peter Brady takes Jo Jo to the middle of a parking lot, where they lean on a bar table and drink champagne.  But soon, a helicopter shows up.   The champagne falls to the ground, the glasses shatter, and soon Jo Jo and Peter Brady are crouching behind a table like they in the middle of a bar fight trying to dodge bullets. 

This causes them to feel romantical:

The women see this happening, which shatters Olivia, “it’s really scary because I see him as my husband like, for real, and he kisses her. “  Oh Olivia, do you know what is scary?  Bigger pants.  Go find some.

We don’t see much of Peter Brady’s date with Jo Jo.  He takes her to a random sofa in what appears to be The United Club and then they talk in ellipses:
Her:  “Excitement, nerves  . . .”
Him:  “Openhearted. . . “
Her:  “Guard down . . . stuff in past . . . last relationship ended FIVE MONTHS ago . . .”
Him:  “Marriage. . . Ready?. . . “
Her:  “Absolutely. . . Insecure.”

She gets the rose and they run up to the top of the building, where they paw each other and watch fireworks.  She gets the rose.  The other women see the fireworks and are not happy.

Girl #1:  “Are those fireworks?!?”
Girl Collective: “Nooooooooo.”
KMu:  “Like someone is dying.  WTF.”

We learn that Olivia feels like Peter Brady is her “husband” and she is being “cheated on.” 
We don’t care because this has happened with our mother:

Back at the house, Date Card #2 comes for:  Alvin and All of the Chipmunks, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren LaurEN, Vaguely Black Amber, Leah, the Dern, Jennifer, Unemployed Rachel, aaaaand Olivia.  Hemingway’s name is not on the card, and Olivia looks like she is going to cut us through the television like our Neighbor Dennis.

Peter Brady reveals that he is taking them to A VENTRILOQUIST named Terry Fator.  Everyone knows who this person is except this Author, who is Does Not Believe in Talking Dolls.  Mr. Fator reveals that the women are going to “show Ben your Special Talents.”

ABe:  “This right here is why I would never do reality television.”
KMu:  “This is the only reason???”
Lauren LaurEN:  ‘Crap, I have no talent.  Like, I have zero talent.”
Jennifer:  “I don’t think most people have talents here.”

But surprise!  The twins can Irish Dance, which is possibly the most awesome thing ever.  We are starting to love the twins, who are now also one year older, according to ABC:  23.  And double surprise, Jubilee can play the cello!    

Meanwhile, the Dern puts on a chicken suit and Olivia discovers a showgirl’s bedazzled bra set and headdress.   This Author is embarrassed to admit that we have worn Both Of These Items or Very Similar in public at some point in our life.  So.

No one really knows what Olivia’s talent is, but we, along with the other 1,200 in Terry Fator’s audience, are going to find out together.  “Bam, Shabam,” says she.  We eye her even more suspiciously, as she has now donned one of those metallic shawls that marathon runners get at the finish line.

After River Dance, cello, some juggling, a clown, and a song in a chicken outfit (we’ve done that too, Gentle Readers), a cake is wheeled on stage.  NO.  NOT A CAKE.  NOT THE CAKE.  It squeaks open on one unoiled hinge and we are suddenly accosted with this:

As the most awkward dance by the most inflexible woman continues . . . :

There is not enough wine.  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH WINE.

We drink in silent salute to The Great Equalizer:  Rhythm. 

Olivia gets off stage and promptly has a “panic attack.”  She is comforted by the Chicken.
“Why am I on camera?  Can’t I just have a moment off camera?” she asks.
“Says the tv anchor turned reality tv personality,” says KMu.
“I wanted to scream ‘marriage material,’ but I did not,” Olivia concludes.  No, honey, you did not.

After this tragedy, Peter Brady takes the group someplace outside by a pool.  Unemployed Rachel is “stoked.”  Caila, in formal shorts, declares that she would feel “special” to get the group date rose, and so she does her best to earn it by sitting in Peter Brady’s lap and sticking her tongue down his throat.  Peter Brady declares her a “sex panther,” and we are horrified. 

Olivia is still concerned:  “It is really embarrassing tonight.  I might be done.”
Our Mother:  “If we could only hope.”

Peter Brady has 1:1 time with the Dern, telling her that she was the “cutest chicken” and prompting her to kiss a muppet.  We like her, but we don’t like her.  Unfortunately, we are not able to get over our confusion before, once again, Olivia has stolen Peter Brady away.

Olivia, for once speaking for All Of Us: “I need to drink, heavily.” 

And then she continues:  “I just had a COMPLETE breakdown.  It was just so awful. I did not feel comfortable.  I did something I never in a million years.”   This Author is really tired of Olivia talking about herself.  But she just keeps talking, even as Peter Brady tells her not to be embarrassed and then changes the subject.    As a twin interrupts them, Olivia tells the camera that she is now scared and feels she “bombed” everything because the “didn’t even kiss.”  Make it Stop.

Next up:  Lauren LaurEN, in a tiny halter top and white skirt.  She declares that she has been “in love, but not this scared to be in love” and how it is “hard to navigate those feelings.”  Oh!  She is living with “all these amazing women,” (you know, the ones without any talent), and “why would Peter Brady ever fall for little old me out of all these women.”  BLECH.

Five minutes later, Olivia is stalking Peter Brady again.  As he talks to Emily, she notes Olivia’s presence and begins to stand up. “NO KEEP GOING,” says Peter Brady somewhat desperately. It doesn’t work. Olivia wheedles Peter Brady into kissing her, which now makes her feel confident. 

Unfortunately for Olivia, Lauren Lauren gets the rose on this date.

“I grabbed him and we had this great, valuable time, and then he didn’t give me the rose?” says Olivia. 
We. Are. Exhausted.

Back at the house for date #3, a big box has arrived for Hemmingway.  It is a wedding dress. 
Hemingway feels like a “blushing bride.” 
Jubilee is more sanguine: ‘She’s really pretty, but if she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, I doubt she’s going to in 6 hours.” 

Hemingway is escorted to the Little White Chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes that they “marry other people together.”  Because he’s ordained now.  And so, suddenly masquerading as hip and accessible youth pastors at a Mega Church (Him:  shirt unbuttoned, relaxed jeans.  Her:  Doily dress, soft hair), they marry a series of couples, including at least one man in a tuxedo shirt.

Peter Brady ends this date at a quarry cesspool,  abandoned coal mine, mausoleum for old Hollywood signs.  This is really terrifying.  He wants to know, “Can she love?  Can she feel?  Can she commit?”

Is she a robot?

He begs her “please feel.”  And they have a discussion about faith and virginity, which is exactly the conversation This Author would have with a paramour in the dead of night surrounded by neon signs.  They kiss and make “vows” to each other.  He vows to look in her eyes when they talk, smile when appropriate, laugh when its awkward.  She vows to “always tell you that you are great” and to express her feelings when she has them.

She gets the rose.

Because it is now nearly 1 am in this Viewer’s time zone and our eyes are gritty, Chris Harrison then springs a *surprise* fourth date on this episode.  That’s right:  Even though it is now the day of the rose ceremony, Peter Brady wants to see the twins in their natural habitat.   We think he is done dating twins.  And so do the twins, who we actually like now even though they are really young.

He takes the twins home to see their mother, who is fabulous.  Haley shows him her room, where she still has multiple photos of her old boyfriend on display.  Emily and he lay on her bed and talk.  We are most interested in her dog, who speaks for all of us right in this moment:

Basically, he dumps Haley at her house, and keeps Emily.  We are mostly distracted by the fact that it looks like both of them have broken thumbs.

Finally, it is the rose ceremony.  Unemployed Rachel is wearing some kind of long crazy red dress, and Olivia is AGAIN thinking about how she needs to “grab Peter Brady right away.”  Fortunately, Jennifer swoops in first.  We like Jennifer and her nice normal face, but we don’t know anything about her.  At any rate, soon Olivia is barreling down.

She has pilfered some cheesecake somewhere and declares that her “talent is eating cake.”  And then talks about herself some more.  Blah blah, “not herself this week.” Code:  “Please discount the crazy train that is me.”   And then she goes in for the sell:

Her: “I am completely falling for you.  Olivia is here for you.  I am not going anywhere.”
KMu: “Paid for by the SuperPAC to elect Olivia the Bachelorette.”

She kisses Peter Brady, and then spreads her evil:

Olivia to Jo Jo:  “I told him that I loved him.”
 Jo Jo: “I can’t believe you told him that.  I would never say that if it wasn’t reciprocated.”
Olivia:  “IT WAS reciprocated.”   

She. Is. Evil.

Blah blah Peter Brady kisses Caila, Hemingway, and Alvin and all of her chipmunks.  He reassures Jubilee of her fabulousness for the 1,000^th time.  Then, to the great relief of this Author, Peter Brady is ready to hand out the roses. 

 Joining Jo Jo, lauren LaurEN, and Hemingway with roses is. .. .

1. Alvin and all the Chipmunks.
2. The Dern
3. Jubilee
4. Emily 

[Olivia:  “I read a lot of romance novels where everything just comes together in the end.”  So she’s pretty sure that is going to happen here.  Because that’s how real life works.]

5. Someone – we miss it because we are annoyed at Olivia. 
6. Jennifer 

7. Leah, aaaaaaand: 

8. Oliva. 

Vaguely black amber and unemployed Rachel get the axe.  Noooooo. 

Stay tuned for next week, when Olivia declares that this is like an episode of “teen mom” because Alvin and all of her chipmunks has children, and we are pretty sure someone cuts her. 

-KLo