Peter Brady Part 7: Blossom

 Babies, we begin Peter Brady Part 7 feeling like this:

Lo, for we have The Plagues and Hate All The People.  It happens.

But we perk up when we see a Warsaw Community School Bus and blue grass-ish music begins to play.   Who in Indiana doesn’t listen to blue grass?
“You guys don’t listen to blue grass?” says KMu, incredulously to ABe and This Author.
It’s ok, for we know she listens to Eminem because she is from Michigan.
And also, we secretly love the blue grass.

Peter Brady drives up in an old Chevy.  Babies, they are making him drive around in An Old Timey Vehicle because that is what everyone in Indiana drives. He re-describes where he had his first job and his first kiss, and we become bored.  And then:  we discover we are going to meet his parents.  At a café with a sign that says “We don’t have wifi; talk to each other.”

We. Love. Peter Brady’s. Parents.  Says KMu, for all of us:  “I love that Peter Brady’s mother didn’t get dressed up special for this, and looks normal.”
Says ABe: “Peter Brady’s dad is a hotty.  Let’s make dad the bachelor.”
They want to know all about the six remaining women.  Peter Brady describes them:  Everybody is beautiful, unique, blah blah. 
ABe doesn’t care:  “Team dad.  Yum.my.”

The women, meanwhile, are doing what everyone does in Warsaw:   They frolick in the park and throw leaves at each other while attired in midriff bearing shirts and high heels.  And then they walk out on a pier as Jo Jo uses the Grammar Of Their People:  “I’m feeling really confident about him and I.”  GAH. 

Peter Brady soon picks them up on a pontoon boat on WINONA lake, ya’ll, and takes them to a rental house two doors down from his parents.  Hemingway is thrilled; “I feel just like I’m part of the community.”
KMu wants to know:  “How many hotel rooms have you rented and been like, ‘now I feel like I am part of the community?!?’”

After Peter Brady tells Lauren LaurEN that they are going on a date, the other women are traumatized.  Gentle readers, it feels somehow *more* intimate because they have witnessed him ask someone directly, rather than via a date card.

This date is so . . . youth pastor Winona Lake Warsaw.  Peter Brady makes Lauren LaurEN drive around with him in his Old Timey vehicle.  They go past his high school where he reveals he was the quarterback.  They go past his megachurch.  They go past his movie theater where he AGAIN tells the story of his first kiss.  We are only slightly surprised that they do not go past some gay people and pray for their souls.

Instead, they go to the Baker Youth Center, where Peter Brady worked for four years.  On the one hand, we think its lovely that he worked with kids and is clearly good with them.  On the other hand, we are horrified that ABC schmaltzes these kids up to the camera while their parents are not around. And in particular, the special needs volunteer, RSHu, who makes a legitimately impressive half court basket multiple times.

The highlights:  Lauren LaurEN nearly loses her pants jumping rope. We learn she played basketball as a child (so, a few years ago).  They run drills.  Peter Brady comforts a crying child.
“I’ve never seen anyone with kids like that,” says Lauren LaurEN.
“Even like, parents.” Says ABe.

Blah blah they kiss some more.
“If I had a nickel for every time I made out at the youth club . . .” says KMu.
“I’d have to think about that.  I might have some nickels.” Says this Author.

This date ends like the last 30 pages of a romance novel.   Lauren LaurEN and Peter Brady confront the rumors started about Lauren LaurEN by Leah the prior week.  They realize that it was just all a big misunderstanding, and he tells her that he trusts her.   They end the night at Peter Brady’s favorite bar, “Rex’s Rendezvous.”    Lauren LaurEN confesses to the camera that she loves Peter Brady.

More interestingly, Jo Jo has received the next date card:  “Let’s find love in the windy city.” 
ABe is confused:  “But, I thought they were part of the community.”

We, however, are content because Jo Jo is now our favorite.  Or to be more precise, her joke about pigs in the Dallas bar has canceled out her failure to wear clothes on her prior 1:1, and so we now feel neutral about her.

We at the BNU lose are damn minds when we see Peter Brady, however.  He is wearing super skinny jeans.  Or are they super skinny stretch pants?  We go back and forth between these two terrible, hipster options for the remainder of this date.  Meanwhile, other pants are also making headlines.  Jo Jo leaps from the limo in what surely must be Painted on Items to give Peter Brady the dreaded “monkey clip hug.”

ABe:  “Ugh, he wants to get in her pants.”
KMu:  “ I don’t think that she can get anything else in those pants.”

They go to Wrigley field, and we still hate his pants.  Sweatpants? Jeans? They decide to hit a few balls and run a few bases.  To assist them, the spirits of baseball have given them matching jerseys that say “Mr. Higgins” and Mrs. Higgins.”   We secretly wish Jo Jo would tell Mr. Higgins that she is planning to keep her own name. 

Afterwards, Jo Jo and Peter Brady lay in the grass and talk about their feelings, and then he shows her the scoreboard:
Jo Jo:  “Oooo, what’s this?”
Peter Brady:  “It’s the scoreboard!”
KMu:  “Oh my god, you guys.”

Peter Brady and Jo Jo return to a dinner in the middle of the field.  It looks like it is very cold and windy, as Jo Jo is now wearing a shirt.   We don’t care because we are consumed with trying to determine whether Peter Brady is wearing an Elbow Patch on his jacket. If he is, we will forgive him his pants.

He is not.

The takeaways from this conversation are that Jo Jo is holding back a little because she doesn’t feel completely safe falling head over heels on national television.  Or maybe it’s because she’s been burned in the past.  And then she explains that she is scared and nervous.  And Peter Brady is very endearing and straight to the point.  We love Peter Brady. What is happening to us? 

In conclusion:

Jo Jo:  So don’t doubt me, because I’m team Peter Brady, and I’m not going anywhere.”
KMu: “Well, he DOES like her.”
This Author: “Yeah, she does look kind of normal once she puts some clothes on.”
KMu:  “Shout out to mother nature, yo.”

While all of this is happening, Caila, Alvin, Hemingway, and Emily talk about how it is getting “harder and harder” to watch Peter Brady go on dates.  We don’t care because Emily is wearing a shredded t-shirt.  We wonder if we could make a living by selling shredded t-shirts to 23 year old women in Vegas.  And then we remember that we Hate All the People, and so the answer is no.

Off we go to the group date at Marian Hills Farm.  We have actually never been to this slice of Indiana, and are impressed with ABC.  And then we realize it is in Fort Wayne because apparently, Warsaw does not supply any more entertainment than one date.

ABe, KMu, and this Author make up our own local date, a la ABC:  The couple go to Laura Ashley to buy a dress with big shoulder pads to wear for the remainder of the evening, followed by dinner at Das Essenhaus and a wholesome musical theater show in Shipshewana.  Now that, gentle readers, we would write about.

Instead, Alvin talks a lot about her feelings somewhere in this segment, but we don’t hear any of it because ABe has figured out Alvin’s perfect pitch and is now talking like her, which basically translates to a steady chirp.  While this chirping is happening, everyone awkwardly gets into row boats on the lake, and then tries to fly kites in high heels.  Finally, they end the day sitting on some wicker furniture covered in quilts in the middle of a barn.  We would make fun of this except this Author May or May Not be covered with a quilt at this very moment.  

In various 1:1 time on some hay bales, the following happens:
Alvin:  “I look at you and wonder why someone like you would be interested in me?”
Caila (crying):  I don’t have super deep roots anywhere.  I moved 17 times before college.  I am moss that can grow in any direction.  Just tell me how to grow.”
Hemingway:  “At a minimum, I deserve someone who is nuts about me.”
Hemingway is toast.

Peter Brady gives the rose to Alvin, leaving Caila and Hemingway to sit in stunned silence in the barn, and then in a limo looking out opposite windows.  Later on, there are substantial tears, Hemingway because she has gotten “nothing, NOTHING from Peter Brady,” and Caila because she doesn’t have a community like Peter Brady.”

“What is it that I need to change about myself so that he’ll fall in love with me?” cries ABe.

Meanwhile the date between Alvin and Peter Brady continues.   As we are trying to discern where in Warsaw and/or Fort Wayne this date has continued, the following happens:

This Author:  “Wherever he has taken her, they have tried to make look hip.”
Peter Brady:  “And here we are, at McDonalds!”
KMu:  “You want to take that back now, KLo?”

We cannot believe that Peter Brady is taking the mom of two small children to McDonalds for their date.  But he has, and after a healthy dinner of burgers and fries, they play act like they work for minimum wage at the drive through.  We are horrified.

And then he has ANOTHER “surprise” for her.
“What better surprise could it be?”  queries KMu.  “Ronald McDonald around the corner?  The HamBurgler?”

It. Is. A. Carnival.   With an introduction from the Mayor of Warsaw.

They ride the rides.  They play on the carousel, sitting on those creepy ponies.   They beat each other up with balloons.  “You really saw Warsaw now!” declares Peter Brady.

We have no words.

The next morning, Lauren LaurEN and Alvin are talking about their dates.  The more interesting bit of this is that Peter Brady is picking Emily up for hers.

Ok, so this Author loves Emily, but she is really. Really. Young.  “Wait, don’t laugh, but are those swans?!?!” she says as she lunges over the side of the pontoon boat.  Peter Brady lectures that when they touch noses, their necks form a heart, just in case none of us have ever seen an ice carving at a wedding.   Or a movie about a wedding.  Ever.

 Peter Brady has some questions about whether Emily is ready for marriage, and so he has decided to take her to meet his parents. She has chosen to wear . . . babies, we cannot show you for there is Server Rage and we are unable to post photos from our phone.  Suffice to say it is "shredded." 

After some rather enthusiastic hellos, Peter Brady’s mother takes Emily off for some 1:1 time.  This is what follows:  “I am one of the youngest at the house, at 23, and I still have a lot of growing to do, but I did not know I could blossom into this woman that I am.  I am really ready to get married.  And I have so many hopes and aspirations.  Like, one of my aspirations is to be an NFL cheerleader.  I could do that in Colorado!” 

Peter Brady’s mother begins to look concerned. 

Emily continues:  “I want to be a young wife!!”

The smile of Peter Brady's mother falters. 

After she tells Peter Brady’s father that her favorite thing to do is sit and watch movies all day and her least favorite thing is vegetables, Emily concludes that she has Knocked It Out of the Park.   Peter Brady’s mother gently advises Peter Brady that Emily seems “a little young” and asks how interested Emily is in finding out about Peter Brady’s aspirations and goals, versus exploring her own.

And then Peter Brady’s mother begins to cry, and we know that woman’s tears are not because she is overcome with love, but with Cold Hard Fear.

Peter Brady takes Emily back to the pier where he once picked her up, and he dumps her.  We feel terrible for Emily because we actually think she will be a lovely partner in about five years and just has some growing to do.  Proving our point, she tells Peter Brady that she had hoped to show him what she sees between them on this date, and is sorry that she couldn’t.  And then she tells the camera that while this is painful, she is thankful for the opportunity to have met someone so great.

Now it is the rose ceremony, which is apparently happening on the courthouse steps in Warsaw.   We are so confused.  Unceremoniously, Peter Brady picks (to join Alvin with roses):

1. Lauren LaurEN
2. Jo Jo
3. Caila. 

Hemingway goes home.  We feel sad for her, as she tells Peter Brady that she had hoped he was not going to blindside her, but now he has done it.  And he apologizes, saying he could not come up with a way around that, but he wanted to let her go now before families got involved, since he was not sure about her.  Hemingway thanks him, and drives off.  Le Sigh.   

Stay tuned for next week, when Hometown Dates result in a great deal of tears. Oooo.

Peace,

KLo