Peter Brady Part 8: Hometown Glory

 As some of you know, This Author gets up at an Unwomanly Hour to write this drivel.  We have been able to do so only because, and for 20 seasons, we have what a former colleague deemed our “Tankard” of tea awaiting us, like a steamy promise that it will All Be Over Soon.  Well, babies, we broke our Tankard a few days ago.  If one can even buy another magical Flower Pot/Cup, it is in a pottery shop an hour away from This Author’s residence.  We Are Devastated, and now must improvise:

We are calling this “frog and toad.”

So with *maybe* enough tea to last through The Horrors, we settle in to relive Our Last Hours.  

It is hometown week. As we try to remember which of the women remain, we find ourselves in Orange County for a date with Alvin and All of her Chipmunks.  Peter Brady is leaning on a cliff talking about how he’s “ended up with smart, sophisticated women.”  Gentle readers, he is “excited about this crew.”

“Did he just say CREW?” demands ABe.

And then we are all screaming because Peter Brady is wearing pedal pushers:

 We think this is the worst.thing.ever. until we see Alvin:

The BNU: “Whoaaaa”

KMu: “What what what is she wearing?”
ABe:  “Are those arm warmers?
KMU:  “What is it?”
ABe:  “Define ‘it.’”

We literally miss the entire date, which is something about playing at the beach or something, because of the armpit landing strip situation happening on Alvin.

KMu: “There is not enough tape in the world.”
ABe:  “How is she keeping her top up?”
KMu: “Are we sure she is even has a top on?”

In snippets we understand Amanda is falling in love with Ben.  We think they are having a picnic, maybe.

“I Hate that top,” concludes This Author.
ABe:  “that seems like such an understatement after what we’ve just seen.”

Soon, Amanda’s children Charlie and/or Tango Foxtrot appear. 

“Gravity is working hard to overcome whatever the hell that is.”  Says KMu as we all nervously eyeball Amanda coverage situation.  

We feel bad for the children.  No one should put their baby children on a reality television show, even if they are adorable.  But somewhere through our haze of rage and trauma over the shirt, we see Peter Brady playing with the older girl, and trying to bond with the younger one, who for good reason, wants nothing to do with him.    We think there are pigeons being chased at one point. And maybe some sand castles.  But honestly we keep forgetting to note what is happening because of that top.

Alvin drives Peter Brady to her house and/or her parents’ house, with the younger child crying as if she has been murdered / just spent all day being filmed and needs a nap like any 2 year old.  Alvin puts her chipmunk to bed, and then we proceed with a variety of 1:1 situations that may be summed up as: “Is Peter Brady ready to be a dad?”   And also, “Wow, Peter Brady is really young.”

We are mystified.  Peter Brady is at least THREE YEARS OLDER than Alvin, who has two children, so we are not sure why Alvin’s parents think he may be too young.  But the conversations are as one might expect.  Mom doesn’t want her daughter’s heart to be broken.  Peter Brady tells Dad that the relationship is “real.” 

We still are not hearing any of this because we are mesmerized by Alvin’s inability to dress herself.  

Vaguely, we become aware that she is kissing him goodbye and we are off to the next hometown date with Lauren LaurEN in Portland.  And then we see her.

“Is that a WEAVE?” demands this Author.

It is like the top of her hair is ALL of her hair, and then there is bonus hair underneath. 

KMU:  “I bet she owns the weave no one claimed from a few weeks back.”
ABe:  ‘What is it with white women and their weaves?”
This Author:  “Does it just clip on? How does this work?”

Anyway, we approach some food trucks, which makes KMu jealous.  And then we go into a giant whiskey bar.

“With Ben, and the Weave, and the Kitty,” ticks off ABe.
“And a glass duck!” says this author excitedly.
“It’s a decanter, dude,” says KMu.

We are ashamed.  It really looked like a duck.

So Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN talk about how she is scared for him to meet her family.
Him: “What scares you?”
Her:  “I don’t know.”

And then we meet them:  Dad Dave, Mom Kristine, sister, two younger brothers, and an 18 year old dog that no one is certain even has any teeth.  Everyone looks really young.

We soon become suspicious of the sister’s intentions when she asks if she can steal Peter Brady away with a bump shimmy of her own.  Sister is like, “Why Lauren LaurEN?  She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny, she has great values.  ANY guy would fall in love in love with her.  So. . .why would she stand out to you? “  Oh yes, the age old tale of Pretty People Problems.  But Peter Brady chokes up:  “Um. . .there’s something about your sister I cant put words to it.  I feel really lucky.”  And then he starts to CRY.  

Ok, so we all have a crush on Peter Brady at this point.  We blame it on the wine.  Nonetheless, we mentally put him in a coat with elbow patches.

Blah blah, in a 1:1 between Lauren LaurEN and the sister, Lauren LaurEN declares that Peter Brady is “her person.”  And that it is “crazy, insane!” and that none of us should be worried because her last relationship was less than a year ago.  

Then, in 1:1 between Lauren LaurEN and Dad, Dad says, “Your mom and I dated for years and years before we got married, so.”
KMu:  “What? They dated for YEARS?”
ABe:  “Why spend that long, when it can be weeks!!”

Dad reminds Lauren LaurEN that there are other women still in he race.  He doesn’t want his daughter to be hurt.  We love Dad.

ABC soon fires us off into the third hometown date, with Caila in Hudson, Ohio.  “There’s so much to Caila and I’s relationship.  It’s the deepest relationship I have!” says Peter Brady.  WHAT?  And also, GRAMMAR RAGE.

Caila and Peter Brady go to Caila’s high school, which is apparently significant to her because she moved so much growing up.  We are struggling to listen because we’ve determined she is wearing pleather pants. And a sweater that was chewed off in front.

“I hate that sweater, KLo.” Says ABe with some desperation.

And then, THEN we learn that Caila’s dad is the CEO of a toy company.  Gentle readers, all this time, this Author was imaging that Caila was an army kid, or the daughter of immigrant farm workers (she moved 17 times in 23 years).  But no, she is the flipping daughter of corporate america. And they are going to the factory to design their own toy house.   We are sure this will make all of the plant workers happy.

Caila and Peter Brady sit together in a design room.

Says she:  “I know your favorite color is blue.  So I think we should paint the roof blue!”

It gets worse. 

Caila:  “it’s fun to thing about one day, Peter Brady could be taking me to our house!  And we wouldn’t have to hold back!  We could make out in the kitchen, or on the front lawn!  In our toy house OR in our real house! Who knows!!”

This girl needs to stop playing house.

And then it’s Peter Brady that needs to stop because he is in awe of Caila building said house on the factory floor: “Caila, a power tool, a hard hat. .  . I never thought I’d find a factory so sexy!” 

The entire BNU groans.

“You know the other workers are like fuck this shit.” Says KMu.

Peter Brady whisks Caila out of the factory floor a la Officer and a Gentleman, and soon we are meeting her family. And then we are conflicted because we LOVE this family.  Dad is wearing orange pants and actually carrying them off.  Mom is Pilipino, wears braces, and is pretty much amazing.  Dad tells Peter Brady Not To Mess With His Daughter t is In A Nice Way, and Mom presents traditional Philipino dishes and tells Caila she needs to go for it if she believes Peter Brady is the one.  And, in 1:1 time, Peter Brady comments to Mom that “so many people say the right things in this process, but Caila says the things that are real.”  We later become worried when Mom predicts that Peter Brady loves Caila .  . . to Caila.

We try to get over our “meh” feelings for Caila in light of this.    Dad warns Caila that he hopes she is not setting herself up for a fall. Team Caila’s Dad.

 Last but not least, we are whisked off to Dallas to see Jo Jo. 

Jo Jo has chosen a “reverse corset top” for this date concludes KMu.  “Because you string up the boobs.”  Thought not as perplexing as Alvin’s Situation, we still wonder if Jo Jo is cold.  Jo Jo, meanwhile has lighted up with joy for she has walked to her home to discover (1) two dozen roses, and (2) a card waiting for her.

Jo Jo starts to read the card lovingly:  “blah blah over the last few weeks while you’ve been on this show, I’ve had time to think.”  She reads half of one page and then realizes that it is NOT from Peter Brady, but from her ex.  Chad.  Ooooo.

We are not buying this. 

First, there is no way that Jo Jo voluntarily walked anywhere in the shoes she is wearing.
Second, the roses and card look exactly like the sort of thing that would be exchanged on this show.

And then there is this: “She didn’t recognize his handwriting?” queries KMu.  “How long did they date?  A week?”

Jo Jo stalks to the kitchen, and back to the sofa, saying “No. No!” in a way that certainly would not win her an Oscar.  Then she calls “Chad” who sounds like a crapweasel on the phone.  It’s taken “this time apart” for him to “grow and mature and realize what I want as a person.” Says he.   We think back to other things Jo Jo has said and believe it has been exactly four months.   Anyway, Jo Jo and he have an unhelpful conversation (“but you didn’t while we were together,” etc), and the Peter Brady shows up.

“He looks like a puppy that is about ready to get run over by a truck,” says KMu.

 As Jo Jo starts telling Peter Brady about what happened with her ex, a switch flips on his face.  “I’ve been through that before and it did not end well for me,” says he in a voiceover.  But surprise! Jo Jo informs Peter Brady that she made a phone call to Chad in order to make the crap end.  And Peter Brady is so ridiculously sweet about the whole thing that we all fall a little in love with him.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

But the trauma is not over for Peter Brady because we need to go meet Jo Jo’s family.   It is nighttime when they arrive at . . . the giantest house ever.  

We meet Mom Real Housewives, dad Dr. Phil, Hot Brother, Older Brother, and sister Rachel.  Mom has had some work done.  We cannot look away. 

The family basically tells Peter Brady that if he ends up with Jo Jo, he WILL be moving to Dallas.   “Here in Dallas we have two fine men who will give you a taste of the town,” says Dad as brothers crack their knuckles.  We can’t get past Hot Brother, who is, well, Hot.  Except he knows it, which is not.

As brothers and dad menace Peter Brady, KMu is looking around the house.  Babies, it is Trashy Tuscan.  KMu is horrified.  We are mostly concerned about who killed J.R.  But we are also a little concerned for Jo Jo because Peter Brady is pretty lukewarm in response to the brothers’ questions about how he actually feels about her.  Older brother calls it later on to Jo Jo:  “My read is that you are emotionally invested, but he’s not as emotionally invested in you.”

Meanwhile, Jo Jo cries to mom about getting hurt.
Mom:  “You’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful.”
Mom again:  “You have to give 150% if you like him.”

KMu is again, horrified.
ABe is now snoozing on the sofa.
This Author still cannot look away from mom’s face, which is not moving with the big lips and the high cheekbones.

At some point, the entire family – except for Jo Jo – stand around in the kitchen with Peter Brady and do the “kind of post mortem that you would expect after the cameras leave,” concludes KMu.  As Hot Brother tells Peter Brady to take a step back and Older Brother basically tells Peter Brady that he is full of shit, Mom anxiously pats at her face in an apparent effort to discover whether she is crying. 

The only nice thing about this is something that we haven’t seen in any of the other dates:  At the end when Peter Brady and Jo Jo say goodbye, they talk directly to each other about how they feel, what the date was like, and take each other’s temperature.  We are still cautiously team Jo Jo even though she has idiot ex and the crazy family.

Now it is the rose ceremony.  Jo Jo is wearing red, Alvin is in a doily, Caila is all covered in flowers, and Lauren LaurEN is wearing black.  Peter Brady does a speech about how difficult the week has been and he picks. . . .

1. Lauren LaurEN
2. Caila
3. Jo Jo

Amanda looks like she is going to cut someone.  Peter Brady sits down with her, and she tells him that she wishes that if he had known, he would have cut her at home instead of flying her all the way back to LA only to cut her at a rose ceremony.  Peter Brady tells her that’s fair, and then he cries as he puts her in the limo and we all love him more DAMMIT.   Peter Brady tells the camera he would like her to know that he cared a lot, and that it meant a great deal that she trusted him enough to be with her kids, and then he cries and the whole BNU decides he’s the best bachelor ever.

Stay tuned for next week in Jamaica, where all three remaining women reveal their love and he tells two of them that he loves them too, meaning he probably doesn’t love anyone. 

KLo.