YOJO Part 3: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Sis-boom-bah welcome to night 1 of a two night BNU event.  In the teaser, Jo Jo insists she can “see her future with someone here” and we all secretly hope it is someone off-camera.  Chump menaces us:   “When this ends, don’t think I can’t find you.”  We put down the brownie.

It must be the morning after the last rose ceremony.  Men are asleep on park benches and beach towels by the pool, and there are random bits of food, including Chump’s meat plate, everywhere.  The former competitive swimmer, whoever he is, and the Penis Pastor are awake and mourning the fact that they all have to put up with Chump for another week.   

Meanwhile, we see Chump in the kitchen talking about doing BABS that day and also, other exercises with things tied to him as he counts calories for breakfast.

Some guy:  “I feel like Chump has this cave man mentality.”
KMu:  “For the record, I am pretty sure that cavemen didn’t count calories.”

Soon, Harrison comes in to explain our fate for the next two hours:   3 dates, consisting of one group date, and two 1:1 dates.   He also drops off the first card for . . . Chase.   “Let’s get physical, love Jo Jo.” 

The BNU pauses for a discussion as to whether Chase is employed, confirming that he is in “medical sales.” 

ABe:  “Well, he has a job.  Good for him.”

Chase is excited.  We are just trying to remember what makes him different from anyone else.  Meanwhile, Chump is angry.  Chump want to smash.  Chump calms himself down by concluding that he is in a “better place with her than anyone else.  It feels like Jo Jo is just taking her time with me because we are ‘killing it’ together.”  Sigh.

Off we go to date #1, which is yoga!

“I’ve always wanted to get into yoga, but I’ve never done it!” says Jo Jo.

We are immediately tired, and become only more so when we learn that their teacher’s name is “Hemalayaa.” 
“That made up,” says KMu. “It’s just a hippie spelling of Himalaya.” 

We know that no parent gave this woman that name, as no parent could predict that she would grow up to be a “yoga instructor” on the bachelor.  We suspect that “Hemalayaaaaaa” is just a production assistant having a little fun.

At any rate, Hemalayayayaya is going to take Jo Jo and Chase on “a more intimate journey.”  She wants to know “So. . . how long have you been intimate?”

Pins Drop.

This Author, lacking an afghan, does the next best thing:

Eventually, Jo Jo sort of stumbles through the words that this is a FIRST date, so Hemalayaaaaaaaiiiiii makes them totally uncomfortable by telling them to lie on their backs, rock their pelvises, scream “hey hey hey” and eventually, have an “angergasm.”

Babies, this is called a “tantrum exercise” and we do not think it is a Real Thing except, maybe, in law firms.  Our suspicions are confirmed when we ask The Google, which tells us that “Tantrum Fitness” is not an exercise but instead a place for “sassy women’s fitness” which further includes poles, burlesque and naturally, personal training.

This whole episode concludes with Chase siting cross-legged on the floor, Jo Jo straddling him face-to-face, and the two of them staring into each other’s “third eye.”  Naturally, they make out.

Jo Jo:  “Straddling Chase, sweaty all over, I feel safe in his arms.”
This Author:  “We call this the Crouching Tiger. . . “
ABe and This Author:  “HIDDEN DRAGON.”  

The BNU erupts in cackles because we are 12 years old.

Chase:  “This has definitely built a strong foundation.”
Me:  “I’m growing right now . ..  ”
ABe:  Just looking at you girl.”  *Snort.*

We all try to grow up a little as this date progresses to dinner, of which there is barely any coverage. Basically, Jo Jo tells Chase that she felt uncomfortable on their date at first, and Chase reveals that his parents divorced at age 8 and that is the “opposite of where he wants to go.  So, you know, marriage is one and done for me.”

KMu:  “Which is why this show is PERFECT for me!”

Chase gets the rose and they wander outside to hear some guy named “Charles Kelly” rip off Elton John.  “You’re the only one.  THE only one who gets me.  Who knows me.  You’re my tiny dancer,” he croons.

The BNU turns to the brilliance that would be having Sir Elton John guest appear on the Bachelor, as Jo Jo and Chase make out.  End Scene.

While this date is happening, Daniel Occupation Canadian and Chump are working out.   And by working out, This Author means the following:

Says the Penis Pastor, for everyone, “If Chump and Daniel Occupation Canadian don’t find love with Jo Jo this season, they may ride into the sunset together.”

Eventually, the next date card comes for:  Jordache Jeans, Grant the Firefighter, Wells, James F. (who?), Christian, the Vampire, Daniel Occupation Canadian, Our Cousin Vinny, some guy named Nick, the Penis Pastor, Annoying Alex, aaaaand Chump.  “Love has no secrets” says the Card. 

Chump immediately makes friends:   “Honestly, I’d just rather not go on a date with 12 other guys.  You guys just go and I’ll get my 1:1 later.”
Jordache Jeans:  “Um, as opposed to the 20 last night, or the 26 before?  You realize what this is, right?”
Other dudes:   “Fine, then you just cross your name off this.”
Jordache Jeans: “Whatever team Chump is on, let’s hope it’s a bench press competition and not a spelling contest.”
Chump:  “You’re a 27 year old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life.”

[Insert Annoying Alex and Chump sniping at each other about their ages – 27 and 25 – and being “scared of” each other for what feels like 100 years of screen time.]

Everyone in this room needs to be eliminated.

As the guys get into two limos, Annoying Alex complains that Chump is not “here for the right reasons” and we all drink.   And then we begin to drink more earnestly when they all show up at the Atwater Village Theater and pile into the audience to see . . . this woman on stage . . . basically fake an orgasm.   Grant the firefighter, for All Of Us, is like this:

This Author, having run out of sweatshirt to pull over our face, does the next best thing:

And for the second time this evening, pins drop.

The Woman:  “I just had an organism.  Do you guys want to know how I do that?”
KMu:  “I have so many questions.”

Soon, a second woman in the biggest hot pink palazzo pants ever comes on stage and says, “Welcome to Sex Talks!  Today we are going to have a group of people telling their deepest darkest secrets about sex.”

We are not going to survive this part of the show.

The Penis Pastor is thrilled:  “I talk about sex all day.  This is like a day in the office.”
KMu:  “Well, I guess he has a level head about it.  Pun intended.”

So the men are at various levels of horrified and thrilled, with Jordache Jeans saying that he does not usually even tell his FRIENDS about such items, Daniel Occupation Canadian saying that he ‘loves talking about sex and weird things.  Poo is funny.” And Chump doing what he always does; namely, dealing with his own discomfort by claiming that others are not worthy:  “I don’t want to talk to Jo Jo about my past or her past.  She hasn’t earned that yet.  That’s none of her business.”

ABe, for the Best Comparison Ever:  “This is like what happens when ANYONE is permitted to lead  Childrens’ Time at church.  You never know what the F*ck is going to come out of their mouths.  You know, ‘Ok boys and girls, you know when you get so mad at a person that you just want to shoot someone in the face? You shouldn’t do that because God will smite them for you in the end.’  I am telling you, that really happened once.”

As the men work on their stories, the Penis Pastor proposes to Annoying Alex that he is going to tell stories about Chump because that would be “funny.”  No, it will not be, and this is a terrible idea.   

As the evening progresses, this Author is on the edge of her seat with The Stresses as ABC takes us through the PG-ish portions of what are no doubt stories Which Cannot Be Told in Prime Time.  To whit:

Daniel the Canadian, for what should Never Be Words Included in a Sex Talk:  “I always carry a knife on me when I am traveling.”

And then the Penis Pastor takes the stage.  And This Author Has Assumed The Position:

Babies, it is terrible.  He tells some kind of wandering cautionary tale about the dangers of steroid usage which includes such gems as “and you call your girlfriends ‘naggy’ when you use steroids.”

As the Penis Pastor goes back to his seat, Chump stands up to come down on stage and. . . rips the Penis Pastor’s shirt.  On the one hand, he sort of deserves that.  On the other hand, what happens next is only more cringeworthy.

“I’m going to need a volunteer.  Jo Jo, can I get you up here,” says Chump.  And once she’s down on stage, Chump makes his power play.  Taking her in his arms, he croons, “They know nothing about you and me.  It’s not about the past.  It’s about the future.”   And as he goes in for The Big Kiss, she TURNS HER CHEEK.

Annoying Alex:  “I just witnessed the greatest disaster of mankind.”
ABe and KMu in unison:  “SEND THAT DUDE HOME.”

We are so sick of Annoying Alex, who is now chest bumping the Penis Pastor as Chump menacingly punches a metal door.  He marches up to the Penis Pastor and warns him, “You are going to f*ing die if you don’t chill out.”  And then tells the world, “If I can’t lift weights, I’m going to f*ing kill someone.”

We hate all of these people and want them all to go home.

This date continues at “Big Daddy’s.” 
ABe:  “Wait, I didn’t know Big Daddy was on this show.”
We only wish, as he and Molly Who Will Not Age Well would be such an improvement.

Basically, the Parade of Horribles continues on this date.  Jordache Jeans confesses that he spent too much time being who he thought he needed to be and not enough time being who he really was with his last girlfriend.   Says he:  “It means a lot for me to be in a place where, like, I’m so attracted to Jo Jo” and we have no words.    

Annoying Alex does not improve things, as he tells Jo Jo he is “ride or die” whatever the hell that means.  Soon Jo Jo is with Wells and talking about how she needs to feel “safe” in a relationship.  And then she shuts Chump down when she’s talking to  . . . we don’t know?  Derek?  . . . because he has tried to steal her away even as she is just sitting down with Derek.   So Chump goes around the corner, noisily pulls up a chair, and starts whistling.

This Man. Is. An. Asshole.

When Chump finally gets time with Jo Jo, he complains that “OTHER PEOPLE are trying to make me look like a jerk.”   He also tells her a revisionist history of how he only grabbed the Penis Pastor’s shirt because the Penis Pastor shoved him because, you know, Chump never instigates, he “only retaliates.” This is the same story he told Our Cousin Vinny shortly before, when we at the BNU were all fervently wishing that Vinny would just stop asking questions of Chump and enjoy the silence. 

At any rate, Jo Jo goes for it:

Her:  “You confuse me because you have so many sides.  Sometimes when you’re with me, I see this soft side of you.”
KMu, for All Of Us:  “No, that is false.  There is no soft side.  The only confusion is that you like bad boys.”

So the date continues, with the Penis Pastor trying to demand an apology from Chump, Chump ordering the Penis Pastor not to go within 100 feet of him, Chump complaining about all the other men, and the Penis Pastor telling Jo Jo that it may not work out between them, but he will not stay in the house if Chump stays in the house.   Jo Jo doesn’t know what to do with that news *coughREJECTTHEMALLcough* and so she . . . gives the rose to the Penis Pastor.

He crows to his children, who are apparently watching this shitshow back at home:  “Hey guess what kids . . .Daddy made out with Jo Jo!”  No. Words.

ABe:  “And also, they didn’t make out. That was a chaste kiss.”

The night ends with Chump interrupting Jo Jo’s “thanks for a wonderful (because I am blind woman in a mad mad world) date” speech. 
“Is this for real, man?” he demands of her.  “Are you actually vibing this dude?”
Jo Jo finally shuts him down:  “You are being disrespectful, and I don’t like this side of you.”

Chump hocks a loogie on his way out the door.  “No girl on planet earth ever chooses Evan for anything, other than like to sweep their front yard.”  Chump, no girl on planet earth would choose you either, except the lowest of the low self-esteem.

But there is more.

Our teeth continue to be on edge, but this time for a different reason, as Jim Bob Taylor gets the final 1:1 date.  “Let’s kick it old school,” says the card.
ABe, for The Universe:  “God, I hope he doesn’t sing.”

Turns out, they are going to learn the jitterbug from “the old woman that threw the diamond into the sea in Titanic,” concludes KMu.  Except we love Jean (said old woman) both because she is fabulous and also, because her name is this author’s middle name.  Our mother named us for the boardroom Babies, gender neutral all around (you may think we are making this up, but We Are Not). Boardroom/BNU. . . same thing.  Sort of.

So, Jim Bob Taylor CANNOT dance.   As it takes him about forever to learn the same basic rock step, we start the Pit Sweat of Friend Zone Anxiety.   But eventually, Jim Bob gets it and they leave he studio to discover a SPONTANEOUS JITTERBUG DANCE IN THE STREET. 

KMu:  “Wait, do you guys think this is set up or?”
KMu again:  “This totally happens to me every time I go downtown.” 

Later on this date, Jo Jo confesses to the camera that she and Jim Bob Taylor have All The Feels or if it isn’t just a better friendship.   He makes things better by putting his arm around her and confessing that he still sees himself as a giant nerd of a kid.  And that he doesn’t see himself “on that level” with other guys, especially with pretty women.

ABe:  “You need to kiss her right now or its all over.”
KMu:  “Girl’s about to friend zone you, dude.”

Eventually, Jo Jo gives Jim Bob Taylor a pep talk about being the entire package, and then she gives him the rose on this date and in response he HUGS HER AND WE ARE ALL SCREAMING.   

And THEN IT GETS WORSE because Jim Bob brings out his guitar yet STILL has made ZERO MOVES.  This would annoy All Of The Shits Out of This Viewer (the guitar part, not the moves part.)

As the BNU screams “friend zone!!” Jim Bob finally, finally gets up the nerve to kiss Jo Jo and it is not terrible.  So, he’s apparently had some practice despite all of his comments suggesting otherwise.  For Jo Jo’s part, she “didn’t know if she would be able to feel the emotions with Jim Bob, but now all I feel is emotion.”  Really?

Back at the house, Daniel Occupation Canadian is talking to Chump about the security guards with apparently have now been added to the house.  He also tells Chump to Tone It Down in his own special way:

Daniel:  “So let’s pretend you are Hitler.”
Chump:  “Let’s not pretend that.”
Daniel:  Ok, well let’s take it down a notch and pretend you are like, Trump, or Mussolini, or Bush. Dude, you are making me look bad.  Tone it down.”

There are so many things wrong with this conversation,  not the least of which is the fact that Chump is eating a tasty treat the entire time:

KMu: “I hear sweet potato pairs well with fascism.”

Awkwardly, this portion of the Two Part Saga for the week ends with Chris Harrison coming in the room to announce that Jo Jo wants to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party for the evening.   The Penis Pastor follows Harrison out of the house, expresses his “concerns” about physical violence from Chump, and Harrison makes it all worse by calling Chump out:

Harrison: “People say you are on steroids.”
Chump:  “Well, there is NO WAY I could have BROUGHT THEM WITH ME.”
Harrison:  “Well, you need to go settle this.”
Chump, marching back to the house:  “I am so pissed right now.  I am going to F*ck up this entire thing.”

What could possibly go wrong?  Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies.

KLo.