YOJO Part 2: Finding Love in a Hopeless Place.

After a brief time delay for some unforeseen relatives, the BNU is back with Mo.Sca.To because summer.  And also, chocolate.  Hush – we ate a vegetable for dinner.

We try to get excited about Jo Jo, who we actually like and are therefore bothered by the Meat Nuggets with whom ABC has saddled her.  Oh!  She tells leans over the balcony to tell us that she fell in love with Peter (Moriary) Brady last season and he broke her heart but Oh!  She wants what he and Lauren LaurEN have. 

We wonder if Lauren LaurEN and Peter Brady are still together, as Jim Bob Taylor tells us that HE is the right one for Jo Jo.   We secretly think that Jim Bob may be the rightest of a lot of wrong, as we survey rest of the group:  Men lounging around on sofas in various stages of V-Neck t-shirt and carefully undone flannel shirts.   And also, rasta hats.

“I hate those hats,” says ABe.  “It is HOT outside; what are you doing in hats???”

Date Card #1 comes for:  The Penis Pastor, Grant the Fireman, Daniel Occupation Canadian, Our Cousin Vinny, The Vampire, Jim Bob Taylor, Robby, Wells, and maybe some others.  We really can’t keep track. 

The group wanders outside. . . to see a limo rolling up with flames coming out of it.    

“Wait, is she in there?” says one guy as they all do absolutely nothing.
“This Girl is ON FIREEEE.”  Sings this Author.
KMu:  “So, they all stand there while the limo is doing nothing?”
Baby BMu, toddling towards the television: “Oh no.  Oh no. no no no no.”

Eventually, a firetruck pulls up.  Jo Jo, with long hair swinging free because it is not flammable, runs out in fireman pants, boots, overalls, and what the fashion world calls “A bodysuit” and what every dancer calls “A god damn white leotard” because that is what it is.  

EMu, a practical 5 year old, wants to know, “was someone in the car?”
This Author: “No, no.  No one was in the car.”
EMu:  “Then how did the car move if no one was in it?”

We suddenly worry about Becky the Intern.

As The Children are whisked upstairs, we briefly visit the men back at the house.  They are peeking through a window to watch Chad lifting his suitcase to the front of the house, where he proceeds to hang it from his bits via weight belt that he also happened to bring along, and do pull ups. 

“You guys, do you think he knows he’s being filmed?” asks ABe in a stage whisper.

Back we go to date #1, where Jo Jo wants to know “which one of you are going to be able to take care of her during an emergency situation.”    Not a damn one, Jo Jo.  Which is why you need to get your education, make a budget, and change your own tires.

So the men have to put on fire gear as quickly as possible.  Grant the Fireman basically wins this challenge.   Next they must “pull hoses.”

“The last time I was pulling hoses was back in my apartment,” says Daniel Occupation Canadian.

We hate him.

Third challenge is chopping wood.  At this point, Wells basically faints.  We wonder if he was one of the men wearing a rasta hat at the beginning of this episode.   Worse still for Wells, he is apparently one of three guys who gets chosen to “save Jo Jo from the burning building.”  Grant the Fireman and Luke No Iiiiiii Don’t Wanna Fall in Love are the other two chosen.

Wells:  “I’m going to try hard not to die.”
KMu: “That is basically us, watching this show.”

 Blah blah in a Completely Unexpected Outcome, Grant wins.  As he carries her through the door, Luke is “hurt” that someone else won. 

This date just goes on forever, as we next travel to some kind of fire pit, where Jo Jo has donned a two piece sweater dress with weird cutouts.  But of greater interest is Luke, whom we study silently.

Finally, KMu concludes, for All of Us:  “Jason Priestley called, he wants his 90210 back.”

 In 1:1 time, Grant tells Jo Jo that he’s not going to NOT wake her up and give her a kiss before he leaves the house because he might not be coming back.  Aaaaaaand, she kisses him and it is not terrible.  Next, Wells shows Jo Jo pictures of his bloodhound, Carl.

ABe:  “My momma said stop naming nuts.  Peanuts.  Cashew Nuts.  Pistachio nuts.  Red pistachio nuts. Walnuts.”

Somewhere, the Penis Pastor reveals that he has kids, and 9021Luke tells Jo Jo that he went to West Point for college and then served in the army.   And also, he hasn’t had a relationship since 2013 because he “stepped away from it” for awhile.  While the BNU is a Judgment Free Zone with respect to the absence or presence of past relationships, we wonder about that answer.  9012Luke takes Jo Jo outside to kiss.

Him:  “You want me jacket.”
Jo Jo:  “NO.”
KMu:  “That shit is ugly.”

WELLS gets the rose on this date, apparently for being good natured about not dying in a fire.   

While all of this is happening, Jim Bob Taylor has written a song that goes something like this: “J-J-J-Jo Jo, J-J-J-Jo Jo” and all of the men are singing it (except Evil Chad), Glee Club style.  Surely this man is a musical genius and we do not understand why he has not been picked up by a major record label by now.

Date Card #2 comes, and it is for. . . Derek.  “Love is full of choices.”  Jordache Jeans is bummed its not for him.  We are just trying to remember who “Derek” is.   Oh, a “Commercial banker” informs ABC.  At least he’s one with a real job.

Jo Jo reveals that this date will be “Choose Your Own Adventure!”  Jo Jo and Derek agree on “sky” as a method of travel, so they drive to the airport where they must choose “North” or “South.”  They go “North” so they hop a plane and end up in San Francisco at the Golden Gate Bridge.

KMu:  “Which isn’t golden.  It’s orange. What pantone is that?”
ABe:  “Actually, it’s probably not a pantone. . .”
KMu:  “GAH.”

We are going to miss ABe.

So Derek reveals that he hasn’t told ANYONE this, but he was cheated on in a past relationship.   Jo Jo relates because of what happened on the bachelor.

ABe:  “Who was the last bachelor?”
KMu:  “Wait.  Are you coming out of a coma?”
KMu;  “Last week the short roses, this week. . .”

Derek gets the rose.  They kiss and it is not gross.

While this date was continuing, Daniel Occupation Canadian and Chad the Toe Cheese are bonding in matching black tank tops.

Chad:  “I always warn girls, stay away from  the nice guys.  I mean, I come across like an asshole, but I’m actually nice!”
Chad again:  “Jo jo wants a man.  If you make a protein shake of all the dudes here, what kind of protein shake would you have?  A protein shake with zero chance.”

What?

KMu:  “What kind of chance would YOUR protein shake bring.”
This Author:  “My protein shake brings all the boys to the yard.”

La La. La. La La.  Warm it up.

Finally we are at date #3, with Jordache Jeans, Christian, Alex, Chad, some other James, Chad, and probably some other dudes.   “Prove your love to me, and the nation” says the card.    As the Hipster and others express mild regret about not getting a date this week, Chad the SuperDouche goes on the offensive: “You’ve gone a full life without seeing Jo Jo. And you can’t wait a day?”

So they go to the studio for Sports Nation, where Jo Jo is wearing a shirt that EMu made for her with her grandmother:

The doily also has a black tuxedo tie neckline.  We hate it.

So the Sports Nation people, Max and Marcellus, decide that they need to “Protect Jo Jo and make sure she gets the right guy.”  To reach this determination, they are going to run the men through a series of challenges and then “power rank” them.  Jordache Jeans is worried because, in case everyone missed it, his brother is Aaron Rodgers and he too, played professional football and also, he was a quarterback, and also, his brother.

The men do end zone dances with a rose, which are just terrible.  When Chad concludes his by picking Jo Jo up, Max the announcer warns him to “Keep his hands off the merchandise.”

Behold, the problem with this show.

The next challenge is called “Eye on the prize” and makes the men spin around with their head on a bat 10 times, and then walk/stagger over to Jo Jo and propose.  This gives us such gifts as “this isn’t the first time I felt dizzy approaching you.”

Chad is becoming annoyed:  “I feel like I am surrounded by children.”  So when it’s his turn to propose, he shows Us All how it Should Be Done:

Chad: “Will you marry me?”
Max:  “That’s it?
Jo Jo:  “Yeah, what about all the things you love about me?”
Chad:  “I feel like in that moment, you should know all that.  You’re a little naggy, aren’t you?”

Chad to the camera: “She wants a man.  I’m just tellin’ it how it is.”  

Ok, Trump.

We lose track of the next game, which is some kind of interview?  All we know is that Jim Bob Taylor is singing again and it is terrible.  Other men are telling Jo Jo how beautiful it is, and Chump is like “these guys have never dated a beautiful girl before.”  When asked, the other guys all tell Jo Jo she should not pick Chump.

So Chump decides to woo Jo Jo with his own special brand: “I don’t know what I love about you yet.  I know you’re beautiful, and that’s about it.  Everyone is here for the wrong reasons, because no one knows you.”

So he’s basically going to make Jo Jo earn his affection.

“He’s honest and deliberate,” concludes Jo Jo, but “I don’t know if there’s something to be worried about with Chump.” 

SERIOUSLY???

We are vaguely horrified when the Sports Nation guys actually rank the top three men on this date as 3) Alex, (2) Chad, and (1) Jim Bob Taylor.

Suddenly, we have stopped listening because the group has gone to the Houdini Estate and Jo Jo is dressed like a mountain goat:

We have no words.

“It’s like that snow creature that drags Luke Skywalker to his lair.” Says ABe.

The men are unphased by Jo Jo’s sweater.  Instead, Jim Bob Taylor tells her that “A smile is the only thing that comes from the inside that can be seen on the outside.”  We think of The Poops and The Vomits and conclude Jim Bob is in error.  Oh, and he is also now reading some kind of note he prepared: He apparently needs notes to remember that he likes “family, food, strangers, hard core man stuff, but also the occasional chick flick.”

We kind of like Jim Bob, despite it, until he leans in for a kiss.  It is a little gross.

The rest of this date consists of Chump judging all the other men as not manly, declaring that Jo Jo wants a man, wants a TALL man, and does not want a child.  And also, he is going to “call it like it is.”  He then saves himself with Jo Jo by revealing that his mother died six months ago, bequeathing her little dog to him.   And also, his last relationship was four years ago because he was . . . “working.”  He “doesn’t want to have to kiss Jo Jo goodbye and be gone for 10 hours.”

Really?  We at the BNU want to know What Is Up with the men thinking they just kiss the women goodbye and then the women go back to sleep until the men come home.  Chump doesn’t want to “kiss Jo Jo goodbye” for a whole 8 a.m. to 6 p.m.?  Grant the Fireman wants to wake her up to kiss her goodbye?  What if she is already gone, you know, running the world, homeslices?

At any rate, Chump is saying things like “You can’t play at life,” and “want to make a wish” and then she LEANS IN and WHAT IS HAPPENING.  And then, THEN, he admits that he’s “starting to develop some real feelings” since apparently, two hours ago when he said he felt nothing.

At least Jim Bob Taylor gets the rose on this date.

Chump is angry.

At last it is the cocktail party.  Babies, this is interminable.   First, all of the guys are talking about “what will be different” after tonight.

ABe:  “There will be less guys.”
KMu:  “There will be less POCs.”

Next, Chump stalks Jo Jo on the stairs as she arrives, claiming that he is just happening to be getting some fresh air with two full wine glasses.  They talk awkwardly, kiss awkwardly, and then Chump ushers Jo Jo into the party to the angst of all the other men. 

“He basically peed in a circle around Jo Jo,” concludes this Author.
“Word,” says ABe.

Then, and for 30 minutes, Alex the Marine takes it upon himself to the be Chump police, trying to get Chump to talk to the other dudes about perceived inappropriate behavior, and to “confront” him on this.  For THIRTY. MINUTES.   All this means is that both Chump and Alex the Marine will eventually have to be let go because they have both annoyed the crap out of all of us.

 Unsurprisingly, Chump is unphased.  “Try some delicious meat on a stick” says he as Alex attempts to interrogate him:

Alex:  “So how did you get to see Jo Jo before all of us?”
Chump:  “I just happened to be catching some air as she arrived.”
Alex:  “What happened next.”
Chump: “I said ‘sup.’”
Alex:  “What do you mean, ‘sup.?”

It. Is. Exhausting.

This continues with Chump getting more plates of meat.  You know, he “didn’t drink a protein shake a little bit ago, saved my cals, so I can dive into this.”  He also complains about the other men being “boys” instead of “men,” which is only all the more hilarious for the fact that he is TWENTY-EIGHT.   The other guys keep trying to confront him, and finally, threats are exchanged.  Alex, gentle readers, will “Drop This Drink Right Now And Punch Him.”  Chump, on the other hand, says Alex “SHOULD be afraid of him” and will “F him up.”

Chump also continues his romance of Jo Jo, interrupting Alex and the Penis Pastor during their 1:1 times and telling her such things as No Woman Can Resist:  “I’m usually a cold, calculating business guy, but I actually went home and thought about you a little, which was weird.”

Jo Jo is intrigued:  “there are so many different sides of you.”

GAH.

Finally, Chris Harrison steals Jo Jo away from what she describes as an “amazing evening,” which only causes us to conclude that she has left her body. She returns to pick (joining Derek, Jim Bob Taylor, and Wells with roses):

1. Alex (Chump:  “She doesn’t want a guy shorter than her”)

2. Christian (Chump:  “Another short guy”)

3. Robby.

4.  9021Luke

5. Chase

6. Jordache Jeans

7. Grant the Firefighter

8.  The Vampire

9.  Daniel Occupation Canadian

10.  James F.  We don’t know who that is. 

11. Nick.  Also no idea.

12. Vinny

13.  The Penis Pastor.

14.  Aaaaaand. . . . Chad.

The Superfan goes home, along with the hipster and some other dude.  As Jo Jo toasts the remaining men, Chump outlines is Campaign Strategy:  “I will not write her song about how much I love her.  I am going to keep drinking protein shakes, keep working out, keep eat food, and just continue doing what I do.  This is going to be easy; at the end of the day, I’m going to get the girl. ”

Meanwhile, we are in despair because next week, there is not one, but TWO nights of the Bachelorette. See you then, babies.

KLo