YOJO Part 4: In Which ABC Pushes The BNU Too Far

Well babies, Part 2 of the 2 part YOJO extravaganza turns out not to be (spoiler alert) that exciting.  

We leave off with Chump stomping away from Chris Harrison and back into the house as he mutters about “lines he has to draw” with the other men, while the Penis Pastor, in turn, mutters about him.  We don’t hear it, because KMu is raging her campaign against the mankinis that are so popular with this particular group pf men, and especially, with the Penis Pastor.

KMu:  “GAH.  Another one of those TANK TOPS with a tiny nipple pocket.” 
KMU two seconds later:  “Who is going to go all minimalist with the tank top and then think, hm, I NEED a tiny pocket.  What do they keep in there? A house key?”

As this Viewer May Or May Not Occasionally use her On Top Unmentionables for That Very Purpose in a pinch, we cannot throw stones.  Our grandma taught us well.

So Chump comes back in the house and “clears the air” by telling the guys he’s not there to start issues with them, and that they should just stay away from him. The Penis Pastor, who we are quickly starting to hate, whines, “You owe me a new shirt and an apology.”  Chump shoots back, “You pushed me.”  And they actually start to get into an argument about it until Wells finally cuts in and says that the “issue is that people feel uneasy in the house.”

Chump: “I am not going to be violent.  Just don’t try to fight me or push me or anything.” 
Jim Bob Taylor: “If people leave you alone and we are all respectful of you, can we all live with that?”

It continues, until Jo Jo comes to visit in a BONA FIDE ONION BASKET. 

And so, the pool party that was promised at the end of last night, begins. There are drinks, and synchronized diving, and some guy in a suit getting into the water, and games of chicken and Meh.  The Penis Pastor’s nose starts to bleed, which Chump attributes to “thinking about him.” Meanwhile, Jo Jo has monkey-clipped onto Jordache Jeans, only to confess to him that she has that “little girl excitement” around him.

KMu:  “Likely because she was a little girl about 5 minutes ago.”

Blah Blah, eventually, it’s time for 1:1 with Chump.  “Man, you are lathered up,” she says to him, and we can only hope she is referring to sunscreen.   Chump tells her that things have never been bad in the house “when we’re generally just chillin’” and then tries to explain his dislike of the Penis Pastor:  “We’re like opposite ends of the spectrum.  It’s like what would you like for dinner:  ice cream, or steak?”

The Penis Pastor, being a total dick, swoops in to interrupt Chump and Jo Jo. . . . Which causes Chump to stop off and start complaining about the other men.  This only gets worse when Jo Jo asks Derek a direct question about Chump in a subsequent 1:1, and Derek confesses that he moved bedrooms because he felt uncomfortable. Of course, Chump overhears, and then gets mad. 

Here is our thing about Derek (All Of Us).  As ABe said in the very beginning, Derek looks like a Jim from The Office.  Admittedly, a very beefed up Jim from the Office, but we have since developed a soft spot for Derek based on his appearance alone because we Heart Jim.   But now we are starting to Heart Derek/Beefy Jim For Real because Chump tries to confront him in the hallway about “stealing Chump’s girlfriend” and talking about Chump, and Beefy Jim is completely calm.  He also responds honestly, “yeah, I am” when Chump says “You scared?” AND, when Chump demands that Beefy Jim not ever talk about Chump to Jo Jo, Beefy Jim says, “Ok, if she asks me another question about you, I will tell her that you asked me not to talk about you.”

Wow, Beefy Jim is making some sense.
Chump stomps off.

Suddenly, it is the rose ceremony.  Jo Jo does a quick change from swimsuit to shiny metal midriff bearing dress situation, and she picks (joining Chase, Jim Bob Taylor, and the Penis Pastor with roses from last night):

1. Grant the Firefighter

2. Beefy Jim

3. Jordache Jeans

4. Robby the Swimmer

5. Annoying Alex

Suddenly, OUR TELEVISION FREEZES AND THEN SKIPS OVER THE REMAINING MEN.  Apparently, like Sodom, our television has looked upon the remaining men and turned into a pillar of salt.

Unfortunately, it unfreezes in time to see Jo Jo pick Chump.  NOOOOOO.   

The Vampire, some guy named Nick, and another dude whose name we can never remember (maybe Santa Claus from night one?) go home.   As they exit, Jo Jo trills that next week, they are all going to start traveling! 

Just like that, we are into the next week, at “Nemcolin Woodland Resort.” This is apparently in Pennsylvania. 

So, the last time This Author was in Pennsylvania, we were in a town so small that when we walked into the local watering hole to ask for directions, we were asked by the bartender, “you the lawyer?”   Babies, Nemcolin Woodland Park ain’t this town.  As we survey the resort, we expect at any moment that a man named Mason Stonewall Jackson III will spring from the bushes in muted pastels and jabber about the excellent chilled cod he consumed after his latest round of golf.

Jo Jo arrives via private plane.  The men arrive via ATV through the mud.  You know, like One Does.  And soon the first date card has arrived, for 9021Luke.  “I like you very mush,” it reads.

ABe, speaking Words of Truth:  “I hate his hair with every fiber of his being.  What the F*ck you guys.”

9021Luke is sort of a mix between Lyle Lovett, Ernest Goes to Camp (the best movie ever), Chris Isaac and Jason Priestley.   We try to get excited by him as they race into the woods on a dogsled under a cozy blanket that, mercifully, is NOT the kitty.   And then we actually start to like him more when she makes him chop wood to heat a wood-fired hot tub and he says “ok” and just handles it.  We are further impressed when, after Jo Jo tries to get in and scalds her foot, 9021Luke picks her up with ONE ARM.  We shouldn’t be impressed by that, but admit that we are, and are then horrified with ourselves.

Less impressive is Jo Jo’s deeply confusing bikini, which consists of about 1,000 cut outs.

KMu:  “She is half origami right now.”

Truth.

As they sit in the hot tub, 9021Luke explains that he grew up on a ranch and really likes the peace and quiet.  Though he now lives in Nashville, he grew up in Texas.  He calmly says he’s had a full life and has had the opportunity to do a lot of things, and we sort of like him more and WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

Jo Jo feeds 9021Luke strawberries, and our tentative truce with 9021Luke comes to an end.  Gentle Readers, strawberries are NOT A DATE FOOD.  We understand how, fueled by Crap Romance Novels set In Olden Times, ABC may be persuaded to think that it is romantic for the heroine to “stain her lips red” with fresh fruit to allegedly make herself “more kissable.”  But, said romances do NOT mention the reality that is seeds stuck all up in that heroine’s teeth like yesterday’s fried eggs. 

Blah blah, dinner continues, at which Jo Jo asks the insightful question: “I find your relaxed self- confidence really attractive and sexy.  How did you get that way?

KMu:  “What kind of question is that?”

9021Luke reveals that he got recruited to play football at Westpoint, ended up a lieutenant in the military, and went to Afghanistan, where he was further responsible for the safety of others.  “When you are 23 in that situation, you realize how much weight is on you, and you get a sense of what that means,” says he.  “You realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and you learn to appreciate life and determine what is important to you.”  9021Luke tells the story of a close friend who was killed in Afghanistan, and notes “emotion is not positive in that environment, but I am actually an emotional person.  I had to reconnect with that side of me when I came back home.”

So, this Viewer has one basic rule about Internet Dating:  Do not go out with a person just because they have a nice smile and are kind to their mother.  And that is what This Date has Come Down to:  We are tempted to like 9021Luke simply because he’s the only guy who has made any damn sense, other than Beefy Jim moments earlier, in four episodes.  And he also appears to be physically respectful of Jo Jo. 

That is a low, low bar babies.  But at this point, it is what we have.   

Jo Jo:  “My whole life, all I wanted was someone to appreciate me and value me, and I get that from 9021Luke.”
KMu:  “While I understand that is a very human thing to say, I hope those words never come out of my daughter’s mouth.”

9021Luke gets the rose, and they end this date getting swallowed by a fog machine as they dance on a tiny platform to the smooth song stylings of “Dan + Shay.”

Next up:  the Group Date, a/k/a when we finally learn who is still left on the island:  Beefy Jim, Chase, Jim Bob Taylor, Wells, Vinny, James F., the Penis Pastor, Jordache Jeans, Grant the Firefighter, and Robby.  “We could go all the way” reads the card. 

Oooo, this leaves Annoying Alex and Chump for the dreaded 2:1 date later on in the evening.   Chump is his usual self, but we start to feel a little (a VERY little) bad for him because, though an asshole, the other men are deliberately goading him. 

So, this group date is a poor choice for a week in which a convicted rapist has gotten a legal pass because of his whiteness, wealth, and athletic prowess, enraging This Author Beyond the Beyond.  Lo, for we see “Big Ben Roethlisberger” in the middle of a field.  He, along with some other pro football players, are going to put the men through their paces and then force them to play a game against each other, with the winning team getting to continue the date with Jo Jo.

The BNU issues a collective hiss at Roethlisberger, who is asking Jo Jo about her favorites.  We are a little surprised as she immediately points out Chase, Jim Bob Taylor and Jordache Jeans as the one with “the nice hair.”

ABe:  “Did someone say NICE HAIR?”

Blah blah after some sports items, the two teams play.  The Penis Pastor, wearing a sweatband ON TOP of his hair and a single black under one eye, declares that he is “in beast mode.  I spell ‘wind’ E.V.A.N.”  We hate him.  We also hate Jordache Jeans, who gets to play QB on both teams and is hoping, as a “former professional football player,” to impress Jo Jo.

In the end, Beefy Jim steals the ball from Wells in the last six seconds and makes a touch down to secure the win for his team.  We again appreciate Beefy Jim.

What to say about the remainder of this date?  Robby the Pro Swimmer makes out with Jo Jo on a pool table.  Jim Bob Taylor also makes A Move.  Aaaaand, Jo Jo basically tells Jordache Jeans that she thinks he’s too hot for her, and demands reassurance from him that he is feeling The Romance like she is, without actually saying that’s what she needs.  He gets the clue, and tells her he is “falling for” her by a fountain.

Jo Jo:  “I love that you’re telling me this right now.”
KMu:  “He is literally telling her words from a hallmark card.”

He gets the rose.

Back home, 9021Luke is wearing a stupid hat inside the house (points deducted), but is also calmly sitting between Annoying Alex and Chump, asking Chump reasonable questions:  “If you are at risk of going home tonight, what is the one thing you think Jo Jo really needs to know about you now?”  Chump scoffs off the answer, and when Alex explodes, Chump concludes that “the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them in it.”

ABC, this is not good television.  It is neither funny nor dramatic nor interesting to have a man who is routinely threatening violence to everyone around him, continue his so-called “pursuit” of a tiny woman 1/3 of his size.  Cut that shit out.

So, we are going to make this brief.  As we lead up to the date, Wells observes that everyone will get through this alive if Annoying Alex can keep himself in check, and Chump threatens Jordache Jeans:  “You think this is a show?  When this ends, you think I won’t find you?  You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?” 

Jo Jo, traveling in by helicopter, feels “uneasy and sick” about the date.

Dear Women Everywhere:  If you feel uneasy and sick going into a date, it is ok to cancel it.  Even if the date is televised.  Or your wedding.  Trust This Author:  it’s better that way.

So the three of them go hiking, with Chump handing Jo Jo around every tree branch and piece of dirt.  It is beyond ridiculous, and causes ABe to rage about climbing a damn mountain all by herself.   After proceeding in silence for the entire walk, the three then lay a blanket down and sit in silence by a stream. 

Jo Jo eventually pulls Annoying Alex away for some 1:1 time, in which she asks him about Chump.  And Annnoying Alex tells the truth:  that Chump has threatened other men, including Jordache Jeans right before their date.  Jo Jo is “shocked.”   She confronts Chump in their 1:1 time:  

 Jo Jo:  “You’re sensitive, and attentive, and sweet, and those are the things I really like.”
KMu:  “Ok, has anyone actually heard a single sensitive thing come out of his mouth?”

Making matters worse, Jo Jo then confesses her confusion to Chump because ALEX told her about the threats to Jordache Jeans.

Chump:  “Oh, DID he? I’m not an aggressive guy, but Jordache Jeans pushed me, pushed me, pushed me.”
Jo Jo:  “Dude, you threatened to beat people up.”
Chump:  “Only so that they would be quiet.”
Jo Jo to the camera, tearing up:  “I knew that today was going to be tough.  Like, Chump has really ‘messed up’ and rubbed people the wrong way in the house, but his mom just died six months ago and maybe it’s all explainable.”

The BNU, in unison:  “OMG WHY DO GIRLS DO THIS?”

Chump, stomping back from his 1: 1 time with Jo Jo, concludes that he has “no options left” but to hurt Alex, and then tells Alex, “It’s unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”

Jo Jo returns from some time alone, and summarily gives Alex the rose.

In case anyone still wondered if Rape Culture is real, Chump says “She’s faking it. She really wants me. I can tell because of the way she looked at me and talked to me.  She’s either an actress or a bitch.” 

Gentle readers, on a serious note, we are pretty sure that every woman reading the BNU today has had some experience with a man like this, including This Author.  Women:  Walk away.  Talk about it.  Men:  See it.  And name it when you see it. 

We are enraged at ABC for its conclusion of this episode.  Chump should be flying home, per ABC’s typical approach to 2:1 dates.  Instead, we see Chump stomping through the woods at night towards the house where the men are staying, saying that he needs to “find Alex” because “Alex was lying” about his threats.   Badly done, ABC.   Violence and threats do not make good television, and every last one of you is an asshole for giving Chump any more screen time.

We cannot find the entertainment in this episode and learn, with relief, that the Bachelor is going on hiatus for two weeks.  

See you on the 20th, babies. 

KLo, Enfuego.