YOJO Part 8: Like A Rhinestone Cowboy

Gentle readers, it is This Author’s birthday today.  In peremptory celebration, the BNU and the entire Mu family made us a prezzie last night AND sang AND it was magical:  

We call this “Shot Through the Heart, and [ABC’s] To Blame.”

But we must confess to you that we are getting older (but are Still Well Preserved, Babies), and it is getting harder to be a full-time grown up With Work Items Of An Increasingly Pressing Nature and write this blog about an Increasingly Terrible show.  And also, ABe is abandoning us for The Big City.  And the Mu-lets are getting bigger.  So, we are struggling with some decisions.  We just wanted you all to know. No decisions have yet been made.

Meanwhile Jo Jo has embarked on Home Town Dates.   First up?  Highland Ranch, Colorado to visit Chase.  She is wearing a snuggie and is concerned because Chase has been a little “slower to open up.”  We become concerned when he sits her down on the very edge of a cliff to tell her that his parents are divorced.  Don’t jump, Jo Jo!

Chase takes Jo Jo to his house, which makes us wonder what he does for a living because bloody hell, This Author did not have a house at age 27.  We lived in a ratty, heat-leaking upstairs apartment that we could not afford to keep above 62 degrees in the winter and so we slept in a hat.  Our very last job interview before becoming a lawyer also occurred during this epoch.  Our heat had essentially broken the night before, and this Author was such a popsicle that we lost our limited self-edit and told our prospective employer what we really thought about various items, including the performer Carrot Top.  We did not get the job.  And just like that, a lawyer was born and all troubles writing the BNU associated therewith.

But we digress.

Chase’s dad comes over. We learn that he now has a second family. 

Chase:  “I’ve learned from every relationship I’ve been in.  Your divorce hurt me a lot.”

Dad:  “I started climbing the corporate ladder.  I was gone too much.  Learn from this old man’s mistakes.”

Jo Jo:  “Chase makes so much more sense now.

Off we go to meet the rest of Chase’s family: Mom Sandy, Sister Brittany, Bro in law Brian, step-dad Brad, and nephew Everett.   We at the BNU are overcome by their house.

KMu:  “Is it a lot of the world, or is it just the families on the Bachelor that go for fake Tuscan?”

Babies, there is a galloping horse painted on the wall behind the dinner table.

A Galloping.

Horse.

In 1:1 time with Mom and Jo Jo, we learn that Chase “did not process the divorce quickly, but very well.  He’s doing a great job.   In 1:1 time with Chase and his sister, they talk about how Chase “doesn’t want to put any girl through what dad put mom through.”  And both children talk about how difficult it is to tell anyone they love them because that word means a lot, like “are you going to be there,” and so forth.

ABe:  “What HAPPENED in this divorce?”

Rounding out the Meh on this visit, we have 1:1 time between mom and Chase. Mom feels thusly about Jo Jo:  “She’s darling.  Loves dogs.  Hates fish.  Is fond of you, so she’s smart.”

She also likes talking and not talking, soup.

ABe cannot get over the fact that Chase’s lips don’t move when he talks. 

“He is like a ventriloquist, you guys.”

This date ends with Chase shedding a single tear to his mother and confessing his love to Jo Jo.  The MEH is overwhelming.

Next up?  Chico, California to see Jordache Jeans.   Jordache wanders towards Jo Jo in the middle of the field, wearing his “womens’ jeans, with his hips swaying in the wind,” concludes ABe.  He shows her various rocks he used to climb, which we cannot understand because of the jeans and the tightness.  He then sweeps her off her feet with a visit to his High School, which is basically where Easy A was filmed. 

We learn the following:

a.  Jordache’s favorite coach was his JV football coach.  We meet him.

b.  He did not  have a high school girlfriend.  We cry bullshit because he looked like a baby version of this in high school:

Which is *exactly* as we imagined the mature yet kind Quarterback in the Class of 1988 series over which this Author poured in Junior High, dreaming of the Magic That Awaited in High School while knowing, secretly, that our destiny was not the quarterback but instead the self-styled “geek” that kissed that one girl in the cafeteria after hours.

c. The theme of prom this year is “Rustic Romance.”  Because who doesn’t want to sit on a hay bale in their prom dress?

We also continue in the theme of “The Jordache Family:  A Breach” as Jordache alludes to his famous brother with whom he does not have a relationship, while simultaneously talking about how it has been two years since he brought a “girl” home to meet his family.

With that introduction, we go meet his family at what we must confess is a fabulously painted green house.   We meet Mom Darla, Dad Ed, Brother Luke, and girlfriend Lindsay.

The entire BNU GASPS.

LINDSAY, YOU GUYS.

We don’t know why she has Midwestern Wedding Hair, or so much of it.  But then we start to notice a hair theme. 

PAFF.

POOF.

KA-POW.

We wonder at the stiff breeze that must be running through this house, like a Beyonce video.

We learn that Jordache Jeans was the family’s “spicy child” because he would threaten to run away. This author also threatened to run away on a regular basis circa age 7, but we had it all planned out as to how we were going to live in the car in the driveway. 

We also learn that brother Luke ALSO doesn’t have a relationship with their famous brother, but thinks that Jordache Jeans is a man of integrity.  And, in 1:1 with dad, we hear Jo Jo talk about caring for and respecting Jordache.

KMu:  “I am hot for him but I have to say words that justify that, so.”

And then this happens:

“On the wings of LOVE!!!!” sings this Author.

“KLo, that’s the wrong show,” says KMu.

So this hometown date ends with Jordache Jeans confessing that he never wants this date to end, but Jo Jo getting cold feet:  “Will you still want to be in this after the camera stops rolling?” and so forth.  Lo, for she is “really scared.”  And he thought “they were past this.”  Ooooo.

Just like that, we go off to St. Augustine, Florida for date #3 with Robby. Who is not gay.

The Salmon Shirt of Rage is not doing him any favors.

Robby makes Jo Jo whistle and surprise!  A chariot drives up for a little tour of the town.  We are distracted by two things: (a) Jo Jo is legit wearing a onesie, and (b) There is a pirate randomly walking down the street.  A PIRATE.  Not even ironically!!

So Robby and Jo Jo have drinks with little umbrellas and discuss the elephant in the room that is Robby’s 4 year relationship with the ex-girlfriend.  Is he really ready to love again?  We don’t know, but we don’t care very much because Robby has surprised us all by having an awesome family, inclusive of four siblings, mom, dad, and various in-laws.

One of Robby’s teenage brothers gives his nod of approval:  “She’s so cool; she can fit in.”  the 15 year old concludes, “dude, I could tell, as soon as you came in.  The body language was like, ‘this is for real.’”  Oh, 15 year old Robby’s brother, you are a gem.

Unfortunately, some ABC producer has manipulated mom because she feels that she NEEDS to tell Robby that his ex’s roommate has been spreading lies that he broke up with his ex to go on the show.  Which upsets Robby because he is “in love with Jo Jo.”  So THEN, Robby concludes that it’s the wisest course to TELL Jo Jo all of this about a rumor that they are both insulated from on the show and of which their only source is Robby’s  mom.  Which has the intended effect of terrifying Jo Jo that there is some kind of truth in it all. 

We are bored.  And stop paying attention so that’s all we have on this particular item.

Last up is 9021Luke in Burnett Texas.  And Babies, it is a Made for Hallmark Cowboy Romance and we LOVE IT. 

First, Jo Jo appears wearing the boots that 9021Luke bought her and the worst top imaginable.
KMu:  “Is that a tank blouse?”

ABe: “It’s like some weird throw back to the 80s.”

KMu:  “Do you know how old Jo Jo was in the 80s?  That’s right.  She was zero.  Because she wasn’t born yet.  Happy birthday, KLo.”

9021Luke takes her to a family BBQ, which we are pretty sure happened in the one Hallmark Cowboy Romance we saw with the photographer from The Big City who goes to Find Herself on the Ranch and falls in love with the Surly Cowboy who ultimately makes a Grand Romantic Gesture of bringing a horse to her art show (about horses) at the end.

9021Luke says:  “Meet my mom Susie, Dad Bill, sister Abby, and 50 of my closest friends.”

This is just like that BBQ scene in a less enjoyable Hallmark Cowboy Romance in which the woman, a Big City doctor escaping her busy practice, diagnoses and then saves a child of a Grave Ailment while at a BBQ with the man of her dreams.

We love us some Burnett, Texas.

We also love 9021Luke’s dad, who tells Luke about the exact moment he realized he could not live without Luke’s mom, and then tells 9021Luke that he does not need to make decisions on any kind of timeline, or under any kind of pressure, and that he and 9021Luke’s mom will “love and support you” no matter what decision is made.  9021Luke’s dad for the win!!

We also love grandpa:  “Jo Jo, he can’t even boil water.  Good luck, Jo Jo. You’re gonna need it.” 

This part of their family visit ends with Jo Jo and 9021Luke getting on horses to ride off into the sunset.  KMu suddenly gets nervous:  “Wait, they aren’t going to spoon another horse, right?”

Nope.  9021Luke takes Jo Jo to sit on hay bales in the setting sun as he whispers that today has been a “day dream.”  Every time he is with her, his “heart gets more involved.  I see a future together.  I want that future.”

We are pretty sure that we are now in the Hallmark Cowboy Romance with Scott Eastwood and something about bullriding but we don’t really know because we fast forwarded through all of that movie except the parts with Scott Eastwood.

KMu: “He’s like right out of The Notebook or something.”

And, then, THEN Gentle Readers, 9021Luke surprises Jo Jo with a road of candles leading to a heart of flowers in the grass.

Him: “I want you to know that my heart is yours, and that it’s all of it.” 

This Author:  “Holy shit the Hallmark Cowboy Romance.  DAMN.”  

The BNU is trying to recover from All Of The Swoons as ABC forces us into the most weirdly positioned Rose Ceremony of all time:  In an Airplane Hanger.  Seriously, ABC?   After the men randomly drive up in their skinny skinny suits, we see Jo Jo in a terrible metallic blue dress which makes her look positively ashen.

“I realize I must say goodbye to 9021Luke,” says she.

WHAT?!???

All hell breaks loose at the BNU.  Babies, as we all know from all the Hallmark Cowboy Romances Everywhere, she has to PICK the cowboy, THEN let him go, so that he can come BACK to her in the end on his own terms, thereby maintaining an uneasy power dynamic in their relationship for the rest of their days.   WTF, Jo Jo. 

We have no use for Jo Jo at this point.

As she picks up a rose, 9021Luke suddenly interrupts the rose ceremony.  He takes her outside beside some plane and confesses: “After you left that night, I was thinking.  I just want you to know, I don’t know if I said the right thing and you know how I said my heart was yours?  I wanted to tell you that, but I also needed to tell you that I am in love with you, and I didn’t get to tell you that the other night, and it’s the only thing that’s been on my mind since then.”

Jo Jo thanks him because it’s the “one thing I’ve been wanting you to tell me, and the one thing I wanted to hear.” 

And then he trots back into the hanger.

And Jo Jo bursts into tears in the middle of the airplane parking lot, where she squats, wailing about how she doesn’t know what to do.

Her:  “Whose going to be the best husband for me?”

KMu:  “Definitely Jordache Jeans.”

Ahahha. 

KMu: “Seriously, how much do you want to slap her right now?”

And we end just like that:  with a CLIFF HANGER at the hanger. 

Stay tuned for next week, when we have a 2-night special.  On Monday, Jo Jo makes the “Biggest Decision of Her Life.”  On Tuesday, the Men Tell All.  Lord.

Love,

KLo