Bachelor News Update: YoJo Part 6: Don't Cry For Me

The BNU begins with this Author’s Mind Being Blown. We do not own A Croc, but have been Informed Of Their Comfort. And are now surfing the interwebs and discovering that Crocs: There Are All Kinds!!!

PMu, who routinely escapes upstairs as soon as we hear “this week, on the Bachelorette” advises us: “Look, Croc clogs! Affordable, and dishwasher safe! That should be right up your alley, KLo.”

Babies, from the time in which we were in High School until approximately five years ago, this Author wore clogs. Like, All. The. Time. And we would color them in with a sharpie when they started to look ratty because We Were Supposed to Be Fancy but we work with a bunch of men and Men Don’t Pay Attention Anyway (we learned this from purple hair, and also from our colleague FBo’s story about wearing a mashed up poptart on the back of her suitjacket all day and no one noticing). But then SKu said she was going to Throw Our Clogs Into a Raging Fire Pit and so we stopped wearing them. Now we wear hiking boots. Just to mess with her.

ANYWAY, was This Author the only one that did not know Crocs makes clogs?!? We are totally getting a pair, which we will never have to color with a sharpie and also, which are dishwasher safe.

“What more can you want from your shoes than dishwasher safe?” asks PMu.

“Microwaveable?” suggests ABe.

And so it is, 20 years after their invention, how This Author comes to Contemplate a Croc. Which is far more interesting than whatever is happening on the screen.

Lo, for here we are in Buenos Aires, and Jo Jo is stumbling down the street clutching the biggest pink coat/cape imaginable as she tries to keep it over her shoulders without the benefit of arms.

Here is our thing: It is either cold enough to put ones arms through one’s jacket, or it is too hot to wear the jacket. But if it is one’s jacket, and not the jacket of some man-friend that is way too big, then Wear. The damn. Jacket.
ABe: “This is a really sad Olivia Pope impression.”
PMu: “No, Evita. Oh look, now she’s out on a balcony.”
KMu & ABe: “Eviiiiiita. Eviiiiita.”

Meahwhile Chris Harrison has decided to show up for work this week because well, Argentina. Jo Jo is confessing to him that she is worried the whole thing won’t work for her because she feels strongly for multiple guys and doesn’t want to fall in love with two of them. #bacheloretteproblems.

Suddenly, the guys appear. Jordache Jeans is wearing a painted-on shirt.
KMu: “Seriously, that is like a womens’ medium.”

After some promotion for the hotel they are staying in (“’Def five star,” says one bro), the first date card comes. “Besame, besame . . . muchacho.” Aaaaand it is for Wells.

Given that Wells is the only one left standing who has NOT kissed Jo Jo, this is awkward and also a Big Suggestion In The Neon.

But we are having a hard time paying attention because of Annoying Alex’s hair:

What is happening here? And also, we hate him.

So, this date basically consists of Jo Jo putting her face at or near the vicinity of Wells’ face, to which Wells responds by bobbing like a Whack-a-Mole, while we hear commentary from the other men talk about the fact that they have not kissed. We are mortified for everyone.

“I like Wells a lot better than some of the other guys, but he is NOT bringing it,” concludes KMu, for All Of Us.

They shop for jewelry, Jo Jo turns her face up to him, and Wells floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee. Jo Jo next takes him to some kind of performance art theater, and he is again working up the nerve to kiss her until the Gollum Twins suddenly appear crawling around in water above them on a glass ceiling. We did not realize Tyra Banks was filming America’s Next Top Model in Argentina.

Unlike Literally Every Other Guy On This Show, Wells concludes, “I can’t kiss her with two mostly-naked women above us. That would be weird.”

And so he still does not.

Now Fabio (FABIO, you guys!!) comes on stage and announces that he is going to train them to do Performance Art. So basically, what This Author does every day in the office. Their version, however, is a bit more allegorical: Wells runs on a treadmill until he gets shot, and Jo Jo coldly walks past him in a suitcoat. A nervous giggle escapes us.

Now Wells and Jo Jo are sliding in the water like the Gollum Twins.

“This is literally ANTM,” says this Author.
“It’s for an art project!!” declares ABe.
“There’s something really sexy about this because it is dark and there is water, and sliding.” Says Jo Jo, whose sex life is clearly a little different then that of the BNU.

Wells finally, FINALLY makes a move.
“The neurotic Wells is finally falling away,” he tells her.
KMu: “Wait, is this his first kiss EVER?”

Dinner continues in this highly awkward style. Jo Jo is wearing a tankini, and Wells tells her that “you and I are pretty different people.”

This Author: “He is not going to get a rose.”

Wells asks Jo Jo The Question That Is Guaranteed To Send This Author Up A Wall on a First Date: “So, what do you want to know about me?” And then, he takes us on a rambling story about his misspent youth looking for the ‘perfect person,’ and how his last relationship ended by basically being friend zoned.

He does not get the rose. We like Wells, but damn. He is the first to be sent home on a 1:1 date. Jo Jo stumbles off in her high heels and yet another coat over her shoulders to watch the performance art. ABC also begins to build its story of heart break, which will no doubt arc in the last two episodes:

Jo Jo: “What if I am so in love with somebody, and like, what if that doesn’t work out? It hasn’t worked out any other time. I don’t want that.”

Meanwhile the date card has come for 9021Luke, Robby, Jordache Jeans, Jim Bob Taylor, and Annoying Alex. “Living La Vida Boca,” it says. Oooo, this means that Beefy Jim and Chase get a 2:1 date. Chase, who is like the most generic of generic dudes, tells the camera that he will feel “betrayed” if Beefy Jim gets the rose because Beefy Jim has nothing over Chase. That is true. Because they are exactly the same person.

So, the group date starts and we blink from all the sculpting and tightness.

ABe: “If I saw these guys on the street, I would 100% assume they were gay.”

We try to take an action shot of Jordache Jeans in his sister’s pants and fail:

ABe: “The only decent guy left is Jim Bob Taylor.”
KMu: “Yeah, and he’s going to light himself on fire this episode.”

So the group wanders in the streets of Buenos Aires and pick up a very staged game of soccer. Jim Bob Taylor sweats through his missionary shirt (cotton, light blue, twilling design in two lines down the front). Aaaaand, he wins a game of “make the goal, kiss the girl.”

“I know this is awkward; we can make it quick.” He tells Jo Jo.

No, NO. Jim Bob Missionary Taylor. You OWN that kiss.

Everyone goes to the after-party portion of the date.

ABe: What is up with what Annoying Alexis wearing?”
KMu: “You know what the problem is with this season? We’ve spent too much time questioning what the guys are wearing. It is that boring.”

At any rate, we are only half-paying attention as 9021Luke basically lays Jo Jo down on her mother’s sofa and makes the sweet love during their 1:1 time. We don’t hear what they say because this is happening:

ABe & KMu: “Blaaaack Velvet and that little boy’s smile. Bllaaaaaack velllllvet in that slow, southern style….”

Jo Jo: “I am running out words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me together.”

Jo Jo again: “We have that physical connection DOWN. That physical spark is crazy. Cra.Zy.”

OMG.

9021Luke gets the rose on this date, but not before Jim Bob Taylor wastes his 1:1 time making an incredibly stupid, very long, and pointless complaint about how Jordache Jeans was a “person he’s never seen before” when they were PLAYING CARDS and DISAGREED OVER A RULE.

KMu: “Told you he was going to light himself on fire.”

This man needs to stop talking right now.

Jo Jo’s face is like “shut up.” And also, “you are over.”

But then, THEN, Jim Bob breaks through his soliloquy with “can we just kiss?”

WHAT?!?

This Author: “I cannot handle it if this man is the next bachelor. It’s going to be like Forest Gump and his box of chocolates.” But who is left, Gentle Readers? Who Is Left That Can Carry That Torch? No one. NO ONE.

Anyway, things get awkward with the remaining men because Jo Jo pulls Jordache Jeans aside to talk to him about this completely made up (by ABC) tension in the house as told by Jim Bob Taylor, and, Babies, if we have to listen to any more “conflict” about the rules of a card game we are going to Light Ourselves On Fire.

Mercifully, date card #3 has come for Beefy Jim and Chase. “It takes two.” Lord, we hope not.

KMu has more pressing things on her mind.

She eyes Beefy Jim’s shirt: “Another tiny pocket.”
ABe: “well, you could store a condom in there. Or a ring.”
KMu: Mawwage. Is what bwings us togevah.. .”

But suddenly, this Author is on High Alert because we learn that Beefy Jim and Chase are going to take a Tango Lesson and Our Hearts Have Exploded.

100 years ago at summer ballet school, we had a partner named Leeeeeeslie. Leslie was from, quite possibly, Argentina. We were partnered together because this Author is short, even in point shoes, and so we always ended up with the guys who had to partner us at the elbow because they Could Not Reach Our Hand. Leslie was one of those gentlemen, and The Two of Us Coped With the Indignity by flirting outrageously with each other during every pas de deux, tango-style. Ha cha cha.

This Author is amazed that our parents let us go off to Big Cities at age 15 to flirt with men from Argentina and beyond, but we like to think it was Very Formative.

At any rate, we gear up for some Flirting As Coping and Jo Jo does not disappoint.
For a reeeelationship, you need the PASSION and the trust,” declares an amazing tango instructor whose chest is going to fall out of her dress at any moment.

“I am like, dance fighting between two guys,” says Jo Jo as she learns the choreography.

“Dancing is like feeling LIFE,” says Beefy Jim.

ABE” “I’m your host, Cat Deely, and welcome back to so you THINK you can dance!!”

Beefy Jim again: “Chase is in his head and I am in my heart. And this is like the eternal struggle.”

This Author. Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

It is terrible. On so many levels.

Now we go to dinner, and Jo Jo is wearing yet a third coat over her shoulders. We soon understand why, because underneath she is wearing this:

Yes, that IS two white triangles sewn together with black chiffon in between, and a random black chiffon tube around the bottom, why do you ask?

KMu: “Do you think that they start with complete dresses, and then just attack them with scissors?”

In 1:1 time, Beefy Jim confesses that he has not been very open since his last relationship, in which he “really put it all on the line.” And then we can’t hear any more because this has happened:

ABe: “I have to tell you about this play on Friday that I saw. It was called ‘The Cock.’”

ABe: “There was someone in the audience who kept falling asleep.”

We love community theater.

So blah blah, Jo Jo gives Chase a warning in his 1:1 time that he needs to open up to herr more because, lo, she needs reassurance just like him. We are bored by Chase, and disappointed when she gives him the rose instead of Beefy Jim.

Beefy Jim is devastated. We feel bad for him as he cries in the limo on the way home. Except as he is crying, Chase and Jo Jo are going to “dance” (kiss while standing motionless) in front of a string quartet while a woman sings from the balcony. And she is singing (wait for it). . . . from EVITA.

“Don’t cry for me Argentiiiiinna,” she begins.
Beefy Jim sobs.
Chase and Jo Jo kiss.

“The truth is I NEVER. LEFT. You.”

Beefy Jim sobs harder.

This cannot be happening.

Somehow, this date ends and the next time we see Jo Jo, she is in a blue fishtail dress at the rose ceremony talking to Jordache Jeans.
“I feel like I need someone to do life with,” says he.

“Do life? DO life?” demands KMu.
“Finally, you are talking about your feelings!” says Jo Jo.

In more pre-rose 1:1s, Robby just wants to kiss Jo Jo, and 9021Luke wants to know where they are going next week. Annoying Alex jumps on her face, and Jim Bob Taylor does the same. Finally, Jo Jo tells them all that she has a “hard decision to make this evening” and walks out.

We secretly think that Jo Jo is wondering if she should go Full Khaleesi on this group, light the place on fire, and walk out.

Blah blah, she comes back and picks, to join 9021Luke and Chase with roses:

1. Robby,

2. Jordache Jeans. Aaaaaand

There is a dramatic moment where ABC fakes us out by making us think Jo Jo is going to not give her last rose but instead comes back with two…. And she gives them to:

3. Annoying Alex, and

4. Jim Bob Taylor.

That’s right folks, we have to tolerate all six of them next week. No one goes home.
Annoying Alex, instead of feeling grateful, has “roided up” in the words of KMu.
“I want to feel wanted! Give me a 1:1” he complains.

And apparently she does, because we are treated to this image as foreshadowing for next week: