YOJO Part 7: Wrecking Ball

Babies, it has been so long since we last saw Jo Jo that we have forgotten she is still in Argentina.  As we watch her pack to go. . . somewhere else in Argentina, we are consumed with hatred for her swashbuckling boots.  KMu mutters something about “Puss n Boots” under her breath and we blaspheme the utility of over-the-knee boots in Modern Times.  ABe is disinterested, as she is meting out wine like this Viewer’s grandfather used to plant garden stakes:  crouched on the ground, eyes level to three glasses as she pours evenly.

The men are sitting around talking about the “emotional” last rose ceremony, in which Jo Jo kept both Annoying Alex and Jim Bob Taylor.  Jordache Jeans channels All of Us during this conversation:

Soon, Chris Harrison comes out to tell the men that Jo Jo is ‘incredibly strong,” so if she wanted to send people home, she totally would.  Piffle.  And more interestingly, he says that this week will have three individual dates and one group date.  “This week is HUGE,” he says, “I don’t need to remind you what’s on the line.”  We feel like we are watching the live version of a click bait headline:  “Five Reality Television Contestants Are Going Where?!?” when in reality, a few of them are just heading home for Home Town Dates next week.

Except for Robby, who is apparently going to the spa for a pedicure:

The first date card arrives for Annoying Alex:  “I goucho on my mind.”  O.M.G.  We secretly heart Chase, who tells the camera that all Alex has been talking about is the fact that he hasn’t gotten a 1:1 date. “Well now you do, so shut up.”  Ha.

So first off, we are pretty sure that portions of the Annoying Alex-Jo Jo date were filmed in Indiana, not Argentina.  Annoying Alex and Jo Jo thumb wrestle in the car (for real), eat Pringles and the Chili Cheetos of flames and regret (for anyone over 25), and drive through miles and miles of corn and wheat.  Jo Jo tells the camera that she is feeling “comfortable” with Annoying Alex, but not feeling the high romance.   Eventually, they lapse into uncomfortable silence and this drive seems like it will never end.

When this viewer was in college, we went on an awkward triple date in which At Least One Person (Not This Author), was Not Mentally Stable and another was Most Certainly Gay But In Denial.  We accidentally prolonged the awkwardness by getting lost driving to a different town for dinner (to the surprise of No One who knows this Author), requiring the whole group to spend – after an hour in the car to City B and an awkward lengthy dinner of mediocre deep dish pizza during which time the mentally unstable one of us began to cry– another two hours navigating corn fields to get back to City A.  

We are having flashbacks to this date as we watch Annoying Alex and Jo Jo stare out the window without talking.  Our trepidation only grows when we get to a ranch (Estancia) and learn that Annoying Alex is going to be like a “true Argentinian goucho.”  This should be interesting, as his trousers are currently so tight that he looks like he is wearing bicycle pant clips.

We gasp when he appears, after a quick wardrobe change, in short pants, a boy scouts tie, and a beret.   We doubly gasp when Jo Jo appears in enormous skin tight leather bell bottoms.
“How do we look?” she asks the proper-looking real-life goucho.
“NOBODY looks like that,” whispers the goucho as he stares at her back end.

We raise our glass to ABC.

So Babies, our confession is that the following part of the date was such a jacked up Nicholas Sparks novel that we kept forgetting to Take A Note.  At one point, a goucho tells Annoying Alex and Jo Jo to get on their horses and “ride from the heart” or something.  And then we find ourselves in a field watching another goucho TAKE A HORSE DOWN and MOUNT IT, yoga style, as someone is saying something about “the spiritual relationship between the horse and this animal.” And then someone else encourages Jo Jo and Annoying Alex to SPOON WITH THE HORSE and THEY DO.  Annoying Alex says he can’t describe how awesome it is to make out with Jo Jo OVER THE HORSE and feel a connection to each other. This Author’s brain has just short circuited.

We are sorry we do not have pictures.  No we are not.

After all of this trauma to This Author and All of the BNU, we go to dinner in a tiny shack with at least one dog.  It is only at this point that ABe apparently rouses herself from a Secret and Deep Power Nap:

“Whose dog is that?  What is happening?”  she demands.

If only we knew.

Alex lunges at Jo Jo, and she pulls away.  So he sells himself:  “I want to be able to crack a cold one with your brothers.”  Aaaaaand, he is “falling in love with” her.  The High Romance!

 “Ooooh shiiiiiit,” says KMu, correctly interpreting the look on Jo Jo’s face.

Jo Jo tells the camera that she doesn’t even know what to think about this proclamation, and then she tells Annoying Alex:  “When you tell me you are falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should be.” 

Ooooo.   

We begin to hear funeral parlor organ music in the background and tip our hat to the sound woman on this shit show, who at least has her sense of humor intact.

Alex tries to sell himself a little more, makes a dig at Jo Jo for kicking him off when there wasn’t even a rose on the date, and is summarily deposited into a dirty truck and eliminated From The Field.  We are celebratory, even as Jo Jo tells us all, “YOU GUYS.  I don’t know what I am doing.”  

While all of this is happening, the remaining 4 guys have gotten into a “jingle bus,” an amazing churched up school bus, and are driving to a streetside BBQ joint.  Confirming that this entire season is just a big dumpster fire, they BEAT BOX on the way:

Well, Alex was on

A motorcycle ride

It went alright

Til’ Jo Jo cried.

Yeah.  That happened.

After complaining about their ride and BBQ, all of which looks amazing to this Author, they are deposited at a Polo Club with a fancy swimming pool, which is apparently now where they will live.  Robby is still wearing his spa slippers, and we become depressed by Americans Traveling Anywhere In the World.  

Soon, the next date card arrives for Jordache Jeans.  “Let’s toast to love.”  Jim Bob is heartbroken.  Jordache Jeans prepares for his date.

He came in like a waaaater fall.  He never hit so hard in looooove.

Jordache Jeans meets Jo Jo at a private jet and they fly, over Indiana, to an alleged winery in Mendoza Argentina for wine tasting.   When they arrive, we discover that Jo Jo is wearing something like this:

While we ponder what it must be like to be pantsless at a vineyard, ABe properly notes:

“His shorts are equally bad.” Abe.

Lo, for Jordache Jeans is wearing some kind of Bermuda-y board shorts from the 1980s.

They make wine/crushed grape juice with their feet and they drink it.  THEY DRINK THE FOOT WINE. 

This author is still vomiting as Jo Jo and Jordache Jeans go to dinner, her in an outfit with various slits and him in his tiny slim pants with his hair all blowsy for the occasion.  We learn that he is not close to his famous brother, because, you know, Jordache Jeans, “chooses to have  a different life and be close with my family.”

ABe gasps.  “Ooo, he just slammed his brother.”

And then, Jordache Jeans solidifies our dislike for him:

“I got mad at Jim Bob for using the word “entitled” to describe me, because “every step of my life, I’ve been disappointed.” He continues, “I was never good enough for a coach or a teammate because I was being compared to someone who did it best.  I could have kept playing football, but football didn’t define me.”

Let’s just sit with that a minute. Nope, no white privilege OR entitlement here.

ABe: “OMG, does anyone feel sorry for this bullshit.”
ABe again:  “He reminds me of Wickham.”

Except Jo Jo is no Elizabeth Bennett.  Instead of owning his ass, the following occurs:

Jo Jo: “I think we’re on the same page . . .. ?”
Jordache Jeans:  “Are you sure?  ‘Cuz I am . . . so in love with you.” 

NOOOOOO. And also, HAHAHAHHHA.
Jo Jo: “That makes me so happy!”
ABe:  “I just threw up.  All over everything.”

This date ends with Jordache Jeans shoving Jo Jo up against a wall to make out.  Given that this is the thirdish time he has done the same thing, we have decided that it is his Signature Move, and not a result of Lasting Passion.

Meanwhile, back at the Polo Club, the next date card has come for: Chase, Jim Bob, and Robby.  “Let our love soar!” It reads.  Robby jumps down Jim Bob’s throat when Jim Bob says he doesn’t think it matters who is the “front runner” because they are all just trying to do their best.  “I am THE front runner!” He tantrums.  We hate him, and we feel bad for Jim Bob, who is genuinely a nice guy.

We miss the first part of this group date for a news brief about a shooting in a courthouse near us which has killed three officers and injured two other people.  FCK PEOPLE STOP REACHING FOR GUNS.   

We try to care about the Bachelor as we head back into the group date, which apparently has turned into relaxing in a hotel room because of rain.  Robby steals Jo Jo away for a post-rain shower walk about town, in which he reveals that he only broke up with his girlfriend of 3.5 years in December. . . so, “4.5 months ago?” says Jo Jo.  Au contraire, Jo Jo.  This means that Robby broke up with his girlfriend, got cast for the bachelorette probably sometime before that, and then started filming the damn show 6 to 8 weeks later. But don’t worry, Jo Jo, because his former girlfriend was “weird” and his priority is “my LOVE for you now” (his emphasis). 

Her:  Are you sure you’re ready for that?
Him: I am way past that relationship.”

We hate him.

Somehow, we miss Jo Jo’s 1:1 time with Chase, probably because he is so boring, and our hearts bleed for Jim Bob, who Jo Jo tells has “every quality she wants in a future husband” except, possibly, the D-bag factor she seems drawn to in all the other men. 

Robby again jumps down Jim Bob’s throat about the frontrunner thing:  “I AM the front runner because the way I FEEL tells me that.”  Yes, Robby, the way you perceive something is always the reality in fact.   

Unfortunately, Jo Jo gives the rose to Robby this date.

Robby:  “I can’t wait for her to meet my family! I’m going to fall in love all over again, and she’s going to fall in love all over again.”

KMu:  “If a woman said that, we would all be horrified.”

Chase and Jim Bob, who may be (along with 9021Luke) the least horrible of all the contestants, are forced to leave the date as Jo Jo continues with Robby (a/k/a makes out in the hotel room). KMu, for All of Us, concludes that “Jim Bob is the best human.  He’s just dumb.”

At last, we are at the final date with 9021Luke.  We are back at the ranch with the gouchos, except this time, 9021Luke is totally in his element. “He’s smart, deep, and has a way of explaining his feelings in a way that other men don’t” says Jo Jo, all of which is probably true. 

9021Luke gently works with the horses as he explains that he was 12 years old when he broke his first horse, which was an experience that taught him to be perceptive.  Aaaaand, then he and Jo Jo go riding, aaaand then skeet shooting in which he shoots every target and then teaches her to shoot the target in a non-condescending way.  Admittedly, ABC is showing 9021Luke to advantage, but we are a bit impressed.   As 9021Luke and Jo Jo kiss on a haybale, this date ends, leaving us wonder why we saw so little of it.

Back from it all, 9021Luke is the first to tell the remaining guys that Jo Jo has elected not to have a cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  Chase and Jim Bob are in a panic, as they are most certain that one of them is going home.

So one hard edit later, the men are taking a horse drawn carriage to the rose ceremony.  We see Robby with his rose and KMu mutters darkly about “crimes against humanity.”

Joining him will be:

1.  9021Luke

2. Jordache Jeans

3. Chase

Poor, poor Jim Bob goes home.  She tells him that he made her a better person, he tells her that he gave it his all.  He tries to soak her in because it is the last time that he will see her, and basically is super sweet.   “I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain,” sings KMu softly.  We all wonder if ABC is setting Forest Gump up to be the next bachelor.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we meet the families. OOOO.

  Love, KLo