YOJO Part: The Men Tell All

Babies, here we are at The Men Tell All, watching from the comfort of our home with an antennae on our computer because (a) we like to keep this classy, and (b) we fully expect to have “reception trouble” as soon as Chump comes on stage.

 In case you all are wondering, the coaster says "do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is not path and leave a trail- Ralph Waldo Emerson."  And, like a dog dragging its ass through the living room, ABC does indeed leave a trail with this episode of the Men Tell All. 

Inspired by UnReal or perhaps in reaction to it, ABC has changed up its approach to this show, trying to "reveal" more "behind the scenes" and less of just the interviews.  This consists of filming a few camera men running around and a guy yelling “Live in five” or whatever.  And then, segmented between scenes of the other guys getting ready to be on air, we see a black sedan with shoes coming out of it and we just know.  Yup.  It’s Chump.  And he gets into a ratty RV that someone pulled out of a dumpster and decorated with a “Chump” star.  Naturally, there is a man in a "security" shirt standing outside of it. 

So ABC is going to spend all of this episode on Chump.  How lucky are we. 

But wait, FIRST we must have a Bachelor in Paradise preview. Which generally involves a lot of rage and violence from Chump, including against at least one woman, Evil Nick falling in love with various women, Just Jared from season whatever, and some other “sexy new singles” in the words of Chris Harrison.  And also, Fran Kardashian and multiple marriage proposals.  News flash:  we will not watch that show.

After some interviews with all of the foregoing, who just happen to be in the Live Viewing Audience, we have a stilted teleprompter read by The Twins from Season Peter Moriarty Brady and Some Other Dude We Are Supposed to Know about “Life’s Bleachable Moments.”   

We go downstairs for some wine because We Cannot Even, and when we come back, Chris Harrison is suddenly talking about Chump like “shame on you, Chump, for ruining this show, you know this is about LOVE and not VIOLENCE but could you turn a little to the left because we are making a ton of money off you right now.”  The Harrison teases that Chump is now back stage.  We hate him, in that moment, and all of ABC. 

At last we are re -introduced to the men, who we will not name because we do not remember them.  Cut to the Penis Pastor, who says it was “amazing” coming out of the limo because “god bless America.” And 9021Luke is telling us all that the experience exceeded his expectations. 

Proving that Jo Jo is an idiot for cutting them, Beefy Jim attempts to take the high road when Chris Harrison asks him about Annoying Alex (i.e., “we are just very different people”) while 9021Luke says, “Look, this is what happens with young marines who have been in combat.  Young marines are in fight or flight mode.  And they either eventually mature from that or not, and so you have a range of people between the two,” . . .  just sort of leaving us to our own conclusions about that one.  We love you, 9021Luke!!

We then have to sit through some argument about Annoying Alex and what he was putting his energy into during the show. . .followed by more fighting about Chump, and we just feel tired.   This concludes with Wells telling everyone that, “just like Voldemort,” no one should speak about Chad while he isn’t here.

But then he is.  And we hate this part and so we refuse to document it.  In brief summary, Chump is a jerk to everyone, reveals that since leaving the show he has pursued multiple ex-girlfriends of the other contestants because, you know, he just wanted to reassure them that not all men are as bad as their exes. Chivalrously, he “didn’t like the idea that these other guys had screwed them over.”  Blah Blah he makes sarcastic comments and snide remarks as the other men attempt to engage with him (and one to fight him), and then exits 20 (undocumented by this Author) minutes  later.   Wells, apparently petitioning to be the next Bachelor, lectures Chump that “America loves a good redemption story more than a tragedy, and I really hope you take the Bachelor In Paradise appearance as an opportunity to be redeemed.” Yeah. . .nope. 

Somewhere in the middle of this segment, Chris Harrison says, for All Of Us, “We are just scraping the surface of . . . . This.   We’ll be back.”   

Yet we are already not paying attention because of The Wines and Also, the Boredom.

Ok, so now, finally, our ears tune in as 9021Luke takes the “Hot Seat.”  Babies, here is God’s honest truth:  9021Luke reminds us of the guy who had his jawbone removed because he smoked too many packs a day.  But we still love him, and we do not understand why she is not with him, and as we see a playback of all his romantical moments we think HE IS THE BEST AND WHY WHY WHY.   Especially when he says that he still loves Jo Jo, but that upon reflection, his pain is worth it if she is now in a happy place.

Chris Harrison:  But do you feel like you are ready for love?”

9021Luke:  “I do feel more open to it.”

Chris Harrison:  “But seriously, you are ready to love again?”

9021Luke:  “Yes, yes I am.  My heart is now open.”

Babies, we have our next Bachelor.

Aaaaand we go back to boredom and The Wines as Chase is suddenly looming large in front of us.  We like him fine, he seems like a reasonable person, and still does not understand why Jo Jo forced him to go through that particular sequence of events, including but not limited to The Fantasy Suite, before giving him the boot.  He wants answers, baby, and here Jo Jo comes to give them.

That’s right, Jo Jo has now popped up on screen looking like a refugee from the RNC.   And now she reveals that things with 9021Luke were perfect, except that something on the last night was not feeling the way she “thought it was supposed to feel.”  In summary, he cherished her and that felt wrong and unfamiliar because all her past boyfriends were dogs.  And also, she needs “words of affirmation,” including, specifically, the word “love,” and so since she did not get it from 9021Luke but got it so easily from the two dirtbags remaining, she had to let 9021Luke go.

9021Luke’s response:  “Thank you for allowing me to love you.  I now see the light. My house and heart are now in order to be the bachelor of all of your dreams.” (we are paraphrasing).

And then suddenly, it is Chase!  Chase from behind on the final lap! He is not relinquishing his Bachelor Candidacy so easily!  Chase comes to sit beside Jo Jo and tells her that he realized that he was hurt at the end, but that she was amazing and that she helped him see the light of love, and he is now ready!

But 9021Luke is not ready to give up. In the homestretch, he muscles in by a hair:  “”You hurt me, but that taught me a lot, and so I thank you.” 

And now everyone is thanking Jo Jo for teaching them Everything, and also How To Love:

Jim Bob Taylor:  “thank you for being It All.”

Santa from whatever:  “I’m glad to see you smile.”

Annoying Alex:  “I don’t know how to deal with instant rejection, but now I wish, in retrospect, that I could have articulated how glad I am that you know what you wanted.”

And then there’s Chump:  “Well, you’ve got some real winners.  As you know by now, Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show.  And Jordache is a big lying cheat.  So have fun with that.” 

And the thing is, it’s really true, even if it's coming from Chump.  But Jo Jo earns a standing ovation from the guys anyway by telling them all that Chump is not worth her breath.

Suddenly, drawing our attention away from this Wedding Receiving Line of Terribleness, Big Ang has risen from the dead and is in the audience talking about someone on stage who is apparently Vinny the Barber.  

But Big Ang tells the world, “Yo Jo Jo, you had the best guy.  You shaved him, you took his facial hair. And then you let him go.  He’s still single, ladies, in case anyone else is looking!”

Ohhhh, Big Ang is Vinny’s MOTHER.

We wish THAT could have been featured on a home town date.

We conclude by suffering through some “bloopers” and also, a preview of next week in which Jo Jo’s brother, tells her, “You are not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date.”   BROTHER FOR THE WIN.

But Jo Jo claims she’s happy, and we can only hope that it is because she dumped both of her remaining suitors. But this Author supposes that we will all discover it soon enough next Monday, when the BNU rides One Final Time.

 -KLo