YOJO Part 9: Marry, F--k, Kill

Babies, we jumpstart our Monday with a reminder that we left Jo Jo on a cliff last week, squatting in her dress trying to decide what to do after 9021Luke confesses his love right before the rose ceremony. 

KMu, reading the labels on two bottles of wine, is unmoved:  “This one talks about tending the soil. This other one talks about an ‘emblematic bird.’”

ABe:  “Soil.”

This Author:  “Is Jo Jo wearing Jubbly Gloss?” 

Jo Jo wanders back in the hanger and certain parts of her anatomy continue to glisten like dew.

She gives roses to . . .

This Author:  “That is SERIOUSLY some Jubbly Gloss.”

 1. Jordache Jeans

2.  Robby, and . . .

3.  Chase.

No!!  NO!!! 9021 Luke looks completely owl-eyed and traumatized.  And yet, he is a grown ass man through it all.  An Andean pan flute begins to play as Jo Jo attempts to walk him out.  She is sobbing, “This hurts me so much!  I don’t even know how to explain this!”

9021Luke:  “Well, we’ll never know what we might have had.”

Her: “I don’t even know how to say goodbye.”

9021Luke:  “We shouldn’t have to.   This is wrong.”

Basically, what it boils down to is that he wasn’t constantly affirmative ENOUGH, even though that still water ran deep, and so she let him go even though she was really into him.

Jo Jo continues to sob as organ funeral music is now playing in lieu of the Andean flute. 

9021Luke concludes, “well, it isn’t getting any easier” and takes himself out of the scene, but not before crying in the car:  “I was in love with her.  But I did not have the chance TO love her.  I barely got to say it, and then it was too little, too late.”

Jo Jo is now hysterically crying.  “It wasn’t supposed to feel that way!  What if that was a mistake!  I miss him already!”

You think? 

Babies, this entire season has been one, looong game of Marry, F—k, Kill.  And now Jo Jo has eliminated the last potential husband of the bunch.

Off we go to Thailand for the rest of this Hobson’s Choice.

Our mood does not improve when we see Jo Jo in a lampshade with tiny jean shorts.  When our sister SHa was in high school, she never repeated an outfit (unlike this author, who literally wore sweatpants and moccasins for months on end).  Our personal favorite, other than the times she (a) accidentally dyed her legs blue with vintage pants, and (b) wore a tutu with bicycle shorts, was this crazy pink lampshade dress.  That dress is Jo Jo’s top, only blue and postage stamp size.  We hate this top.

Suddenly, Jo Jo has replaced the lampshade top with a ruffled onesie, and is meeting Robby on a motorcycle to go to a “crazy market.”  This is the most boring date ever.  Robby says he can tell how great they are together by “how we’re intimate with each other.  How we’re passionate with each other,” and the entire BNU vomits into our mouths. 

They wander through the market and then get a foot massage from these poor old men while they talk about their love for each other.  And also, kiss in the rain.  The Meh is so strong with this one that we almost cannot make it to dinner.

But then we do, and we gasp.  Lo, for Robbie is wearing Tighty Whiteys:

We forget that EMu is perched in her pajamas beside ABe for a few minutes before bed:

“Mommy what’s a tighty whitey?”

Unlike last week’s bachelorette-inspired question, “Mommy, what’s a divorce?” this one is at slightly less traumatic to answer. 

Dinner is crushingly boring. 

Her:  What did your family say when you said you were in love?

Him:  “Well, they all knew I was capable of it.”

Robby then gives her a note that his dad allegedly wrote to him and left by his bed during home town dates.  Given that the note concludes, “You’re the man. Love, dad,” we demand a handwriting expert stat.  But Robby continues to say everything that Jo Jo wants:  He over-reassures her, tells her that he wants her to have the note because he wants her to feel comforted in case she ever doubted that he could fall in love this quickly, and yadda.

ABe is fascinated by Robby’s hair: “part of it is coming unglued.”

Off they go to the fantasy suite.  She says she’s crazy about him and “knows” what he’s saying --which is a bunch of nothing – is true. 

KMu:  “My theory is that she requires so much validation that even if she was building a more real  connection with Luke. . .”

ABe  “she’s not mature enough to recognize it.”

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Now we are vomiting because they are waking up to breakfast in bed and gah.   And then, inexplicably, Jo Jo is the one to leave the fantasy suite and do the walk of shame back to her room for her next date with. . . Jordache Jeans.

So Jo Jo meets Jordache Jeans in a bikini top and  micro shorts, with a denim shirt wrapped around her waist.  “We are going hiking!” she announces to Jordache, who is wearing flip flops that mysteriously turn into sneakers one edit later.  Babies, when this author spent 10 days in Glacier National Park last summer, we *totally* wore a bikini top and micro shorts to hike.  The threat of that particular vision not only cleared the path forward of both other people and wildlife, but it was also *super comfortable* for climbing over rocks.

They hike and hike up and down rocks and into a cave as they swelter in the heat and talk about how “amazing” this is. 

“I’m waiting for an old Asian lady to show up and give them a blessing,” says ABe.

Lo and behold, we get the next best thing:  they hike to a temple hidden in a cave.   So Jo Jo covers her shoulders with her denim shirt to be “respectful,” while also forgetting her pants.  #Americansinothercountries.

Jordache Jeans, for None of Us and also, Grammar Rage:  “I feel like me and Jo Jo have been writing our love story this whole time.”

Jo Jo is sad that she can’t make out with Jordache Jeans at the sacred temple.  He spends that time telling her that their hometown date was exactly what HE needed, and the last box HE “needed to check.  We are depressed for Jo Jo but understand that 25 years of age may still be too young to Get Real With Oneself about the Fuckwits One Has Been Dating And Make A Change.

Unsurprisingly, Jo Jo struggles to know if it’s going to be “forever.”

Jo Jo:  “What’s the next year going to look like for you?”

Jordache:  “That’s a tough question to answer.”

KMu:  “She just asked you if you are going to be together next year, dumb ass.”

Jordache: “I don’t know what the year will bring.”

Jo Jo:  “I feel like with your lifestyle, there’s a lot of movement.  I’ve done a long distance relationship before, and only seeing each other every couple weeks really doesn’t work for me.”

Jordache:  I don’t have and I don’t need a home base.”

ABe: “WRONG ANSWER.”

Jordache:  “ I can be whatever, wherever you need me.”

KMu: “If only there was a contestant that lived right down the street.  And was completely about home and family.  In Texas.”

We sigh over 9021Luke and Jo Jo’s determined dive straight to the bottom of this shit-filled barrel.

Over the course of dinner and the fantasy suite portion of this date, and thanks to KMu, we become hyper-sensitive to Jordache Jeans’ habit of putting a “little sexy spin” (KMu’s words) on wholly inappropriate phrases like “talking to my dad” and now we can’t stop noticing. 

Blah blah, Jordache Jeans continues to bullshit his way through the date:

Jo Jo:  “How do you know that you want to be with me forever?”

Jordache: “I am a different person than I was before.  And I’ve never felt like this before.”

KMu;  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

ABe:  “That should NOT have relieved her fears.”

Jo Jo;  “I feel really good.  I got every answer I wanted.’

And we are suddenly tired.  Dear Jo Jo and all other baby women, please change the narrative.  Please start asking yourself whether YOU want to be with the guy, instead of the other way around. Deciding what you expect for yourself is an amazingly helpful tool in all manner of thing, including the avoidance of hipster-haired wankers.

This date ends at a different fantasy suite than the one in which Jo Jo slept with Robby.  And then this happens:

KMu:  “Let’s be clear this is the sponsor of this show.” 

As the sun comes up on this date, Jordache Jeans tells the world, “We took a big step last night .In a really exciting direction.”   And then he says to Jo Jo, “It was exactly what I needed.” And This Author Explodes in a Flame Ball of Fury.  Jo Jo, her face a mask responds: “It was nice.”

Jo Jo soon scuttles off for date #3 with Chase.  She is wearing a tiny Dolly Parton shirt that is somehow missing its midsection and white micro shorts.

ABe: “ I have that same outfit. I wear it to work all the time.”

We actually appreciate Chase on this date, but become worried as her voice over concludes that Chase is “someone to have fun with.”   They boat around a village, pretend to kiss fish, have a picnic on the beach.  

Jo Jo now:   “I forget about how hot it is when I’m kissing you.”

Jo Jo after five years of marriage:   “Stop putting your sweaty, sweaty leg on mine.” 

Chase displays his mad skillz at witty banter:  “We’re in the place, with monkeys.  And fisherman.  And saltwater.  And fish. It’s amazing.”

KMu pauses the television for a moment of silence.

So blah blah, they sit on the beach and Jo Jo climbs into Chase’s lap and declares that she never wants the date to end.  So it doesn’t.  He carries her around in the water as she monkey-clips to him and we wonder how painful his giant flank tattoo must have been.

Jo Jo:  “So much rides on this tonight.’

ABe:  “HAHAHHA”

Chase:   “I know that being on that knee is . . . not too far away.”

KMu: “Ok, maybe I’m too dirty minded but. . .”

The BNU raises a glass in silent salute.

Somewhere between all this Love In the Water and Dinner, Robby confirms that he is a shitbag by showing up at Jo Jo’s door in the middle of her date with  Chase.  Having figured out what she wants to hear, he lays it on thick:  “I am falling asleep thinking, dreaming about you!” “After this week, I’ve never felt more connected to you.” “I’m ready to marry you!”

It works.  Jo Jo tells the camera that she is already in love with two people (Jordache, Robby) and is now not sure if she can fall in love with a third.  Over dinner, Chase confesses his love, and it obviously puts him in a super vulnerable place. 

Chase:  “It’s scary.”

Jo Jo:  “What?”

Chase: “Getting to the real emotions.  It seems like I’ve gotten through this a little harder than Robby and Jordach might have.  But I don’t want to be scared of those things anymore.  I think that’s what love is.”  

KMu:  “That’s exactly what love is.  Once I got passed the other sister wives, I knew it was love.” 

KMu again, surveying a crime scene of toys and laundry:  Dudes, you don’t know how much I want a sister wife right now.”  

ABe:  “Shit just got real.”

We keep forgetting to pay attention as the fantasy card comes out.  Chase tells her that he loves her, and she invites him back to the suite.  And then. . . he tells her he loves her in the fantasy suite and she freezes and walks away.  And Outdoors.  And sits down on a bench while Chase is awkwardly left 20 feet away inside.  And then she comes back and DUMPS HIM.

Babies, we begin the slow play where Chase is trying to leave, and Jo Jo keeps clawing at his arm “no! Don’t go!” and “Talk to me!”  And Chase basically tells her that it was a real d*ck move for her to encourage him to tell her that he loves her and to invite him back to the fantasy suite and then dump him on the theory that she needed to hear him “say the words” before she could figure out  how she felt.  Which, we agree, is a total load.

ABe:  “Chase, you are too good for this show.”

Chase eventually escapes and, as he drives off in the limo, sums up the end of this date: “I should have never told her I love her.  That was like pulling my pants down and kicking me in the nuts.  I’m embarrassed, and heartbroken.”

Now it’s the rose ceremony.   Jordache Jeans makes an appearance in amazingly tight pants.

ABe:  “From the waist down, you wouldn’t know that was a guy.”

Aaaand now here’s Robby.

ABe again: “If I stood next to them in my jeggings, you could never tell the difference.”

 This Author sings: “Everybody’s talkin’ ‘bout my tight pants, got my tight pants, got my tight pants on.”

But then. .  .Jo Jo comes out instead of Chase!

Robby:  “Uh oh, what does that mean?”

Jordache:  “Something.”

KMu:  “Someone get MENSA on the phone.”

Blah blah, Jo Jo launches into a lengthy speech about how she cut Chase . . . only to be interrupted by Chase.  Who then takes Jo Jo aside and makes his pitch to be the bachelor:  “I care too much to let our relationship end the way it did.  There’s a lot that I wasn’t able to say because I was shocked.  I wanted to tell you I am proud of you, and I want the best for you, and I have a lot of love for you and want what’s best for you. . . I am not asking to be back, but don’t get me wrong, I do want to be yours. And if that happens down the road, do let me know.  My heart is still yours.”

KMu: “He must be thinking that if she blows it with gay guy and full-of-himself guy, Chase wants to be there.”

WORD.

And now Jo JO is sobbing. AGAIN.  “I’m all over the place with my feelings.”

KMu: ‘Oh F--king A, guys.”

During all of this, Jordache Jeans and Robby are standing awkwardly, playing with their hair and shirts.  Jo Jo eventually returns to them, tells them her feelings are “so strong” and she’s “super excited about the future.” 

KMu, for All of Us: “She’s such a bad read.  It’s unbelievable.”

As the episode draws to a close, Jo Jo gives roses to Robby and Jordache, and we are reminded that the Men Tell All will be Tuesday night. 

Peace -

KLo