Fifty Shades Darker Part 4: Mr. Deeds

Babies, we arrived at Chez KMu to discover the premises entirely vacated except for a bra on the living room floor.  If KMu was raptured, we conclude, at least this is The Real Proof that there is no use for the Devil’s Delicates in heaven.   But eventually KMu came home, ABe dialed in on the interwebs, and we all tried to remember what happened two weeks ago.

Oh . . . Right.  We ended the last episode on the cusp of a rose ceremony, with The Russian, FroZone, and Annoying Eric having roses already.    ABC makes us revisit Annoying Eric freaking out at Lee:  

“My name is in your mouth so you must be talking about me!!!”

KMu sings:   “[Don’t] say my name, [don’t] say my name….”   

Now Kenny is earnestly telling RLind in a 1:1 about how he has a 3-5 year plan regarding wrestling and, we think he is very sweet but increasingly not the right person for her.  More importantly, KMu has  handed us wine and a cupcake.

Racist Lee lurks outside RLind’s 1:1 and then interrupts Kenny, as Dean Go Black/Not Back observes that Racist Lee is “kind of a bitch” and also optimistically suggests that “the longer Racist Lee sticks around, the more people will become aware of his, ah, . . . intolerance.”  We are dubious.

Now Goose the Columbian chiropractor is close talking Our Heroine. 

“He’s always up in her . . . business,” whispers this Author.

But then we want to vomit because Our Heroine is declaring that Goose is “so charming” that its concerning her, to which he responds “It’s a fairy tale!” that is somehow also “1,000 real” and he will “be strong when she is weak,” and we have no words except that Dear Baby Women Readers Everywhere, that kind of relationship only comes after you’ve Found Your Own Damn White Horse to Ride On and Saved Yourself.  Trust this Author.

In any event, Goose sticks his tongue down RLind’s throat and the entire BNU Screams.  How can so much hotness and terrible kissing be wrapped up in the same package?

Suddenly, Kenny approaches Racist Lee.  And pauses.

ABe:  “DON’T DO IT.  DON’T DO IT.”

But Kenny does, and as he earnestly tries to explain how he feels that Racist Lee took advantage of what Kenny thought was their friendship to obtain an advantage with RLind, Racist Lee continually cuts Kenny off.   As Kenny’s voice rises in frustration, Racist Lee twinkles to the camera about how the “Number one way you can piss someone off is to laugh at them.” 

RLind is distracted by the muted sound of yelling as she tries to talk to some guy that looks like a wookie.  “I just hear a bunch of drama and it is pissing me off.” 

Then, THEN First Peter comes to the rescue and is so perfect that the Closed Captioning Freezes In Honor of Him.  We *think* he says that she should not have to deal with the “theatrics” this evening and that he feels sorry for her with all of this.  WE LOVE YOU FIRST PETER.

But Our Heroine has had enough.   She sits by herself and cries softly: “I have put my life on hold, once again, to do this, and that shows I am serious about it.  But if I am 100% honest, I was disappointed with the guys tonight.  I can’t even express the pressures that I have being a black woman, in this position.  And I did not want to get into this tonight, but I get pressures from so many different directions, being in this position, and I already know what people are going to say, and judge me for the decisions I will be making.”

ABe:  “I feel you.  Hang in there girl, be strong.  I won’t be judging!”

Baby BMu, eating a cupcake in the kitchen:  “I AM MAKING SOUP!”

 So then Chris Harrison pops up to ask RLind how she’s feeling and to declare that “you just tell me what you want, and I can facilitate anything.” 

KMu:  “Are you feeling the weight of being a black woman, RLind?  Here’s a white man to explain how that feels.”

Having received his orders or made them up on his own, Chris Harrison mansplains that Rachel is feeling done with the whole thing and announces that they are therefore going to go “right to” the rose ceremony.  First of all, this entire cocktail party has been interminable so We Are Not Clear (Any Of Us) how this is going “right to” anything.   Second of all, thank god.

RLind sallies forth and picks, to join The Russian, FroZone, and Annoying Eric with roses:  

1. Will.  We still don’t know him.

2. Dean Go black/Not back.

3. The tickle guy.

4.  First Peter!!!!  YAAAAASSS.

5. Adam of the Doll.

6.  Goose.

7.  Matt, who we actually are starting to like, even though he has said three sentences on air this entire season and also, showed up in a penguin costume on night one.  

8.  The Special Prosecutor (Josiah). WTF.

9.  Lawyer Jack.

10. Iggy.    ABE: “That guy?? Again?? If she chooses Iggy she better choose Diggy.”

11.  Kenny.  And . . .

12. Racist Lee.  NOOOOOOOO. 

Diggy, the Wookie looking guy, and Zoolander go home.  We are all devastated that she got rid of Diggy.

At last, we have escaped rose ceremony purgatory and are off to the next week’s adventures, which is WITH THE CROCODILES ON HILTON HEAD, SC.  Gentle Readers, let us relay This Author’s recollections of vacationing on Hilton Head, circa age 15.  

A.  Only time in this Author’s life we could ride a bike and not hit anyone/anything because The Ocean and also, We Are Imprecise in our bike riding.

B.  Hilton Head is the kind of place where One buys all of the cassette tapes of the street musician singing at dusk in Harbor Town because Teenage Angst, the Magic of Sunset and also, Deep Meaning of Music, only to later realize that his covers of James Taylor hits are Not That Great.

C.  Hilton Head gave this Author the Opportunity to Create Photographic Evidence that our older sister, SHa, was really into exercise at this point in her career.  Our Art Shot of SHa, resplendent in a Metallica t-shirt TUCKED INTO the board shorts she made in 8th grade Home Economics, has been retained for future emergencies.

But we digress.

KMu is having an out of body experience because her parents actually live on Hilton Head.  Further, her buttocks have sat upon the very seats in which the buttocks of First Peter and others are now honorably bestowed.   “This is really weird,” says she.

As KMu is trying to process These New Circumstances, a date card comes.  FroZone reads it.  “Dean Go Black/Not Back:  Our love is about to take off.”

Dean GB/NB is excited because he’s anxious to show RLind that he is “more than a smiley guy.”  Annoying Eric, who got a rose last week, is upset because he has to “sit on the bench and wait my turn.” We hate him.

So here we are on the date with Dean GB/NB, which apparently involves driving a jeep into a field and then drinking champagne on its hood.  Our Heroine reveals that when she was a child, she was fascinated by blimps, or “bimps.”  Dean GB/NB reveals that he is terrified of heights. 

We know that none of you can imagine, nay, even anticipate, what happens next on this date.   

As a blimp touches down in the field where RLind and Dean are grazing, Dean pees a little.   RLind promises to hold his hand if he gets nervous, but not if he pukes.   The BNU is just upset that Jake The Pilot  Is not driving this thing.

We interrupt the BNU for a Very Important Announcement:  Our friend SHaa recently met El Piloto, crawled over him (in a very professional way), and thereafter obtained A Hug.  She reports that he Smells Very Nice.   We instantly forgive him for picking Le Sausage and also, for appearing on Dancing With Some Stars.   We also wish we could have met El Piloto, though the Inner Hilarity of the Experience and also, Outer Rumpled Appearance of this Author make such a meeting Fraught With Peril for all Self Edit Involved.

In any event, RLind and Dean Go Black/Not Back get in the blimp, DRIVE the blimp, claim they both like adventure, and kiss as they toast to “taking the relationship to new heights, literally and figuratively.”  But lo, trouble may be brewing for Dean because he is only 25 and RLind is 32.  WHAT?  So this kid is basically out of college?   

RLind confronts the age difference at dinner, which they eat after RLind “stumbles on a table and some chairs” in the words of ABe.   Lo, for RLind is worried that Dean is not ready to get married and start a family.  She hopes she can “go deeper” with him.

ABe:  HAHAHAHAH.

Demonstrating more date acumen than the average man of his age, Dean Go Black/Not Back leads out with a question:  “Tell me about your upbringing.”  They reveal that they were both raised in strict religious families.  However, his mother died when he was 15, and that basically caused him to raise himself from age 15-18 as his family life fell apart.  He laughs a little deprecatingly instead of crying, we cry for him, RLind cries for him, and he gets the rose.

RLind:  “Dean, You have always intrigued me. . “

ABe: “Ever since you said that offensive thing to me. . .”

This date ends in the street listening to “some shitty band,” (KMu), which is some person named Russell Dickerson singing about how he was “in a boat stuck in a bottle that never get a chance to touch the sea.”

KMu: HAHAHAHA.

Blah blah something about “burned out stars in the galaxy, just lost in the sky, wondering why everyone else shines out but me.”    They kiss and it is not terrible.

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 comes.   It’s a group date, for The Russian, First Peter, Goose, the Tickle Guy, Adam of the Doll, Matt, Kenny, Racist Lee, Iggy, Annoying Eric, Will, and The Special Prosecutor.  We think it says “I want to see who has commitment”  but we weren’t really paying attention.

This means that Jack the Lawyer gets the eventual 1:1 date.  We anticipate this also means he will be going home on said date, as rare the lawyer that makes it past this point in the show.

This date involves a party boat.  RLind has worn a set of lampshades for the occasion.

The Special Prosecutor concludes: “Rachel is looking fine as wine.” 

Kenny declares that not even Racist Lee, whose various horrible comments this Author is Choosing to Omit from this Blog, can “ruin my mood.”

And then the men decide to do a Dance Slam for Our Heroine, which is essentially a junior high dance circle.  Followed by Freestyle rap, and a push up contest in which The Special Prosecutor does 20 pushups with RLind sitting on him.

ABe:  “I just.  Cannot.”

We love Special Peter, who uses “Fart” in his freestyle. 

By this point, the Special Prosecutor has worked us into a Lather of Distaste, as he continues to boast of his physical excellency and his close relationship with Our Heroine.  Fortunately, we have a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee to level the playing field a bit.  This should be good.

Iggy things he is going to do “fantastically” at spelling:  F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C-A-L-Y. 

RLind is excited because she thinks “Intelligence is extremely sexy.”

All of Us, Surveying the Field:  HAHAHHHAA.

KMu:  “Hey, you want some more wine?”
This Author:  “I will not say no to more wines.”

The words our Intelligent Set of Men must spell are as follows:  Squirt, Passion, Caress, Schmuck, Euphoric.   For real.  We are slightly amazed that “spell your name” isn’t one of the requests.

Kenny eventually is felled by “champagne,” which he spells N-G-E at the end.  Then Iggy spells Bordeaux instead of Boudoir and we have no words.  Annoying Eric  stumbles on façade, spelling it P-H-A . . . and we die a little in the wake of No Child Left Behind.

Devastatingly, First Peter cannot spell coitus.  “Q-U-I . . .” he struggles.  SERIOUSLY?

Now we’re down to The Special Prosecutor, FroZone, and Will.  This cannot be happening.   The 

Special Prosecutor gets the softball “stunning.”  He smooth talks into the microphone, “out of all the women here, Rachel is by far the most stunning,” spells it, and sits down.    Then, because ABC are a group of asshats, they give Fro-Zone the word “boutonniere.”  Really?  REALLY? 

FroZone forgets the U and sits down.  We begin to get worried.   

But we become even more concerned when Will cannot spell Physiological.  “P-S-Y . . “ and he sits down.  

The Special Prosecutor gets another softball:  Polyamorous.   He wins and we hate him.  We hate him even more when he kisses his trophy multiple times and talks about how fabulous he is, followed by pouring a drink into it so that he can sip from the cup.   

Like a balm to our troubled souls, First Peter finds some time with RLind, who is delighted that he freestyled, as it was “the biggest surprise of the night.”

KMu: “Plus he’s from Wisconsin.”

They admit that they both would move for the right person, AND she reveals that she is licensed to practice in Wisconsin.  KMu, our fact checker in chief, says “that’s right.  She graduated from Marquette, and is therefore automatically admitted to practice in Wisconsin.  Further, she practiced there for several years following law school.”  This is why KMu is Unstoppable at Trivia and also, why this Author, who rarely does more to prepare than drink some wine and write some stuff, is not.

Meanwhile, the men talk about how amazed they are that RLind is an active, successful female attorney.  We raise our glass in agreement that she is indeed a diamond shitting unicorn.   Of course, she is only 5-6 years out of law school, so she’s now at the cusp of the second wave of women quitting the field.  We therefore reserve judgment.  

  ANYWAY, Our Heroine tells Annoying Eric that cleaning house and watching Ratchet TV after work are her stress releases.
KMu:  “I would like her to come to my house.”

Then Iggy, who is just so, so . . . DEEDY, decides to take his 1:1 time to point out that he questions the Special Prosecutor.  Naturally, Mr. Deeds does so only because he is “weirdly protective” of her. That’s right, he bent RLind’s ear in the spirit of protective guidance last week over Annoying Eric, and now, he is doing the same about the Special Prosecutor.

Annoying Eric, who must be drunk because he is making sense for what surely is the first time, tells Mr. Deeds that he is “continuing to be in the sauce,” and that RLind will make up her own mind about everyone.  There is no need to try to guide her in that respect.

The Special Prosecutor:  “With all due respect, Mr. Deeds is a bitch.”

Blah Blah the story of this date is that ABC tries to make racism the hot story line, much like they made violence against women the story line of season Jo Jo.  We hate them, and we hate Racist Lee, who sing songs to Rachel about how he is such a “genuine and positive person” that people think he is “disingenuous,” lays all the blame at Kenny’s door for their exchanges, then delights to the camera in setting up Kenny’s back and trying to bury him. 

We feel bad for Kenny, who is trying to be an adult, but also working himself up about Racist Lee. 

  WALK AWAY, KENNY, WALK AWAY. 

But he does not.  The episode ends on a TO BE CONTINUED, with Kenny walking Racist Lee outside to have a private talk.  The previews for next week show some blood.  Oh dear.

KLo.

PS, next week is a double-header.  We may try to make it a single with the miracles of technology, but we promise nothing except that ABe will be in town. YAY.