Fifty Shades Darker Part 3: Big Balls

“Oops, I *accidentally* opened the good wine,” says KMu as she liberally pours that fortifying beverage for ABe and this Author.  Lo, for we had forgotten that last week’s episode ended abruptly on a cliff hanger without a rose ceremony.  We can’t remember why until we see Lexi Who Doesn’t Drink Enough Water or Eat Enough Cheeseburgers confronting DeMario in the gym about His Infidelities and it all comes Flooding Back.

Suddenly, RLind is walking in her dress to confront DeMario and she is wearing the black kitty and nothing good is happening.  And also, the guys are pouring out of the house to lend her support. KMu is 95% sure that the bodyguard in a little hat, Vince, is hustling back and forth.   

DeMario:  “I did not keep it real, but I can’t let you go.” 

DeMario again:  “I want to be able to move forward and regain your trust.  One of my favorite quotes is in order to experience joy, you have to experience pain. On my uber ride up here, I explained to my uber driver that I am going after the woman of my dreams.. . .”

RLind, for All Women, Everywhere: “I need a man who, when confronted with his mistakes, owns them.  And I gave you time after time to own up. But you didn’t. And what I saw yesterday in the gym, was a boy.  I am looking for a man.  I need you to move forward.  And forward is not into the mansion, but out there” [gestures down the driveway].   Thank you for the quote but I hope that this pain brings you joy elsewhere.”

Slow.  Clap.

DeMario:  “Damn.”

Josiah the Prosecutor Helpfully Mansplains what RLind just said: “You know, she is woman, and she is looking for a man.” 

Off we go to the “men” still standing.  We must suffer through The Tickle Guy showing up with giant fake hands to grope Rachel, which somehow makes her LAUGH, and the Russian is completing a Rubix Cube while talking to her, which is trying way, WAY too hard.   Fortunately, Kenny saves the day by showing Rachel photos of his daughter, but all too soon, KMu is gasping over some guy who has put up  a Little Tykes Basketball Hoop (BMu has the same one) and dunked a nerf ball in order to earn a kiss.

But the real story is that Five Minute Blake and The Boob (wha-booming in the corner) are once again going at it.  We think the Boob must be drunk because he’s using his 1:1 time with Rachel to tell a story about how Five Minute Blake was standing over his bed eating a banana. Then this happens:

RLind to Five Minute Blake:  “The Boob said something about you standing over his bed, . . . eating a banana.” 
This Author:  OMG YOU ARE NOT PURSUING THIS.  And also, there’s always money in the banana stand, babies.
Five Minute Blake:  “Well, first of all, I eat a Ketogenic Diet so I do not eat bananas. . . “

Hahahaha.  

In any event, at last we get to the rose ceremony.  Joining First Peter, Dean Go Black/Not back, and Josiah the Prosecutor with Roses, we have:

1. Goose

2.  Bryce (ABe: "What? Who is that guy?")

3.  Eric

4.  Anthony.  We don’t know him. 

5.  Will.   Again, not ringing a bell, but he had the Little Tykes hoop.

[The Boob, to the camera:  “Rachel is a smart ass chick.”  We have no words).

6.  The Tickle guy (ABe:  “Not THAT guy!!!  EEEERRRGH”)

7. The Lawyer.

8.  Matt.  Penguin.

9.  The Russian

10.  Adam of the Creepy Doll.

11.  Kenny!! YAYAAAAA

[The Boob:  Let the big dog eat!!” what??]

12.  Zoolander

13.  Racist Lee.  We hate him.

14.  Iggy.

15.  Third Grade Fred.

16.  Diggy.  YEEES.

Both Five Minute Blake and The Boob get the axe.  Five Minute is stunned, and actually gives Rachel a hard time for putting them in the “same category.”  But upon exiting the mansion, things get weirder. Lo, for The Boob and Five Minute Blake are doing their exit interviews on opposite sides of the drive way.  The Boob starts heckling Five Minute Blake.

Five Minute Black: “F--k you bro. You’re a piece of shit.  You’re here to be on TV.  You’re a wanna be comedian. A washed up joke. Hwhwhwhwhaaa –boom.”
The Boob:   “Go back to your protein shake.”

And so it continues for like five minutes.

ABE, for All of Us:  this is the dumbest fight ever.

KMu:  “What is happening?? They’ve literally told each other off five times in a row.” 

At some point, this ends or we just *forget* to take notes.  Either way, it is a new day at the mansion, and Chris Harrison, whose “only role was to stand under a ladder and look concerned last episode,” in the words of KMu, is now explaining how things will work this week.   Apparently, there will be 2 group dates and a 1:1 that can ‘only be had in LA.”

The first date card comes, and it is for Goose, Tickle, First Peter, the Russian, Will, and Third Grade Fred.  “Lilghts, Camera, Action,” it says.  And also, “Come join me on the set of Ellen.”

YEEEESSSS.

We love Ellen, who upon greeting the men aggressively tickles The Tickler.
KMu:  “I like that she just violated him.”

We are staring longingly at Goose, who is extremely good looking.  We wish he didn’t kiss like his name.  Ellen, meanwhile, wants to know who has already swapped the spit with RLind, leading The Tickler to be surprised that someone has done that already.

ABe:  “Have any of you ever WATCHED this show???”
ABe again: “I love you First Peter!!!!!”
[First Peter is professing his nervousness at being on the Ellen show]

Suddenly, Ellen has instructed the men to take their shirts off and dance, and they are grinding up on various members of the Ellen audience, who are further stuffing dollar bills in the waistbands of All and Sundry and we don’t know where to look.  Except at The Tickler, who is looking wildly around as he does the white man overbite.

Ellen: “Tickle guy does not dance well.”

Unfortunately, The Russian does, as he is now progressing to lap dances.
RLind:  “He’s too into it.”
KMu:  “He literally just ground up on a grandma.  #Idontknowwhosegrandmathatwas.”

Babies, this is like the Thunders from All of the Down Unders, which we attended with our SHa, who sat with Wrap Attention as we wanted to sink with mortification behind the bolderess thankfully obstructing our view.

During a game of Never Have I Ever, we learn that First Peter and the Russian have never ever thought of sleeping with RLind.  We don’t believe them and neither does Ellen.  Also, The Russian admits to peeing in the pool at the mansion, and First Peter AND the Russsian have texted nude selfies. 

“But it was classy,” says the Russian.

Third Grade Fred further admits that he hooked up with someone twice his age.  “She was like, 40.”
Clearly, we are too old for this show.
Ellen:  “All the women here are like, “nothing wrong with that!!”

We still don’t think that Third Grade Fred has the horses to keep up with Rachel so we hold our counsel.

At the cocktail party after Ellen, Third Grade Fred is telling the camera how much he loves Rachel, has had a crush on her since kindergarten, and thinks of her day and night.
KMu:  “This always ends well.”

Meanwhile, the Russian is lecturing RLind about how if you look at someone left eye to left eye, you are emotionally open to them, and right eye to right eye is analytical.  We think in terror of all the work colleagues with whom we might have left-eyed.   Next up, Goose sticks his tongue down Rachel’s throat followed by First Peter, canoodling on the couch.  

ABe:  “Mmmm, First Peter.  FIRST PETER.  OMG, sorry KLo.  I didn’t realize I said that outloud.”
RLind to First Peter:  RLind: “I’m not getting up.”
KMu: “He’s all, ‘you’re not getting up but I am.’”
ABe:  “I’m gettin up just lookin at you girl.”

Keep it classy, BNU.

But now it is Third Grade Fred’s turn and it is terrible.  He tries to be respectful and asks to kiss her, which backfires and turns it into an awkward thing, and then he is mooning about seeing her in a wedding dress as she is like “Yeah, I still see him as a child.  His kiss was like a boy too.” 

 Confusingly, she picks up the date rose and asks to speak to him alone.  Where she promptly dumps him. 

This Author:  “WHY DID SHE PICK UP THE ROSE?”
KMu:  “I suspect because production made her.”
This Author:  “WHY IS SHE WEARING A ONESIE.”  For we realize that it is a pants suit onesie entirely open in the front. 

Group date rose goes to the Russian.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Eric is doing push ups and complaining that he “don’t feel no passion” from Rachel and that she is “emotionally unavailable to him,” after, you know, one day.
This Author:  “Well if you can’t manage grammar, you are not the guy for Rachel.”
KMu: “If we were here for a grammar check, we would be here all week.”

Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with Eric any further because the second date card has come and it is for Anthony.   “Meet me at the rodeo” it says.  We don’t know Anthony, who apparently does something or other with Education Software.  This does not stop us from realizing that he looks like FroZone from the Incredibles:

In any event, this date requires FroZone to ride a horse down Rodeo drive and into a store named “West” where two hipsters that do not look like they’ve worked outside a day in their lives are going to sell him some boots.   Next stop:  the cupcake dispenser outside of Sprinkles Cupcakes (still on horses) aaaaaaand, some other store where FroZone starts to get a little nervous that his horse, Fred, is going to “let it loose.”  Sure enough, as they are drinking champagne with the nervous store clerk and looking at t-shirts that say “too glam to give a damn,” Ted drops a load.

FroZone:  “Ted is too glam to give a damn.”

Hahahahaa.

At dinner, FroZone starts to grow on us as he explains that he was an oldest son, and was always looking after the younger folks in his family.  Oh, he was not wealthy but he felt rich in love!  Oh, that’s why he started teaching – to pay it forward!

Ok, we are starting to like FroZone.    He gets the Rose as they dance in front of a jazz quartet.

Back at the house, we are jolted awake because First Peter has walked in with the final date card and he is wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage.

ABe: “It’s like they pass them down, from generation to generation.”

This date is for Zoolander, Dean Black/Not Back, Kenny, Some guy named Bryce, Racist Lee, The Lawyer, and Eric.  “Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge,” it reads.  We hate the language of this date card for 1,000 different reasons.  We also hate Eric, who says that Iggy “brung up” something or other and then proceeds to go apeshit on Iggy.

We don’t like Iggy (None of Us) because he just isn’t interesting. But we are also the Dutiful Daughter of an English Professor who made us conjugate “began, began, begun” over and over beside the dining room table until we stopped saying that we “had begun to run” as a child.  And we can’t but secretly wish that Eric had the same obstacle placed between him and Ice Cream for Dessert as a child because He Is Making Us BatShit.

At any rate, Iggy Brung Up something and Eric is now mad.   But we don’t get to dwell on it because RLind has brought “her girls” – the same stringy looking children from last season that we don’t know (Raven, Corrinne, Jasmine, Alexis) and they have planned the next group date.

Raven has forgotten her back and bottoms:

This Author:  “Can you imagine if she has to poop?  It’s probably like the Playdough Fun Factory back there.”

Off we go in a party bus, where Raven displays her bad judgment by asking both Racist Lee an some guy named Bryce which man is not there for the “right reasons.”  Both say Eric.  Oooo.  But before we can get anywhere with this piece of information, we are thrust into scenes of these men dancing on the pole so helpfully placed in the middle of the party bus.    This follows by the Big Reveal that they will be mud wrestling on this date in front of a randomly assembled group of women screaming things like “TAKE IT OFF!!” and “SHOW ME YOUR JUNK!!!!”

KMu: “I say this as a lover of men.  Never have I wanted to see junk.”

This Author takes another walk down our collegiate memory lane, in which a friend of ours, who was very fond of swimming, Got An Eyeful one time while Doing The Crawl.  The unfortunate man who was choosing to exit the pool at that very moment, thereinafter nick-named Big Balls, Shall Not Be Forgotten.

But I digress.

Kenny is terrifying us as he prepares for this match”  “It doesn’t matter if it’s the bachelorette, Ring of honor, or anywhere else for Pretty Boy Pit Bull to get busy.”  And then he barks.   We acknowledge that the barking does cause Kenny to slip slightly in our esteem, but only slightly.

So blah blah, Bryce beats Zoolander because Bryce Was A Younger Brother,  Dean Go Black/Not Back wins over Eric, Kenny slays the Attorney, and Racist Lee, and then blows a kiss to RLind, causing us to love him.  Sadly in the end, Bryce beats Kenny.

Of note on this date is the fact that RLind says “my girls” about 100 times, “her girls” tell her that Eric is not right for her, and Kenny reveals that he was a Chippendale Dancer – just like this Author’s Junior High Gym Teacher – when he first came to Vegas.

RLind:  “I called it!! I was like, ‘he’s too familiar with that pole!”

Blah blah uninteresting stuff with other men until Eric shows up, declares he’s vulnerable through a series of inarticulate grammar landmines, and GETS THE ROSE on this date.

He then stomps back to the other guys and freaks out at them again because RLind had revealed that several of them had said he wasn’t there for the “right reasons.”  Through this, The Lawyer and Kenny beat a hasty retreat, causing us to love them, and Racist Lee slowly emerges as the latest villain as he baits Eric.  “Eric doesn’t like losing.  Neither do I,” he declares.

Iggy tells RLind that he got “protective” over her, and then says the same to the guys, causing Iggy and Eric to have yet another confrontation, and then Iggy complains to RLind, and RLind pulls Eric aside and threatens to take back the rose, and we are just so bored we don’t care.

Stay tuned for next week, which will continue to be on a time delay because we will be In The Big City on Monday and also, we are enamored of Time Delays. 

KLo