Fifty Shades Darker Part 5: Make It Stop.

 Babies, we are back on Hilton Head Island and find this whole business of ending an episode without a rose ceremony disorienting.  After doing some research, we recall that when we last left off, Dean Go Black/Not Back has a rose on his 1:1 date and also, we are still on the group date from last week with Jack the Lawyer warming up in the bullpen for his 1:1 to come.

ABC pitchforks us into a tiny sailboat, which KMu informs us is named “the Flash.”  We discover that Our Heroine has escaped in the dead of night to The Flash with Goose the chiropractor.  “Ugh. . . the back cracker,” says KMu as RLind and Goose have a conversation that goes something like this:

RLind:  “You’re too good to be true!”
Goose:  “No, YOU’RE too good to be true!”
Goose again:  “ If we’re both too good to be true, that means we are aa Perfect Match.”
Goose AGAIN:  “I’m all in, and I’m not going to stop!”

And then there is some terrible kissing and we all scream, per usual.

Meanwhile, if the readership may recall, Kenny had pulled Racist Lee outside for a chat.  This involves Racist Lee complaining about Kenny’s aggression as Kenny tries to explain that he thought Racist Lee was his friend, but now he’s just a snake.  We think they both need to leave.

Goose gets the rose on this date, as Kenny and Racist Lee continue to bicker and also, Kenny has escalated to calling Racist Lee a “bitch” over and over.

ABe:  “This officially disqualifies Kenny forever.”

KMu:  “I hate the use of the word bitch.  I hate it when women use it as to each other or themselves, and particularly when men use it derogatorily to each other.  It’s like double offensive.”

PMu:  “Stand up and drop the kitty.  DROP. THE. KITTY.”

One of these things is not like the other. 

We look over, and discover that PMu is attempting to snabble EMu up to bed, as EMu clings desperately to The Kitty (which KMu has apparently acquired from the ABC Garage Sale).   Eventually, the Kitty comes with.  You know, as it does.

Finally, we have RLind’s date with Jack the Lawyer.  Warning bells go off as we discover that RLind has chosen to wear Midriff Baring Mesh and also, ride in a horse drawn carriage AND ALSO says “Jack and I have a lot of stuff in common.  We are both lawyers.  We both are from Dallas. We are a (death knell CLANG CLANG CLANG) Perfect Match On Paper.”

This date is so much like going on a date with a lawyer that we have no words.  So we shall use theirs:

Jack the Lawyer: “I would, um, like to take our date to the next level”

[They Shuck Oysters.  And take Shag Lessons in a very crowded Oyster Shucking place]

Jack the Lawyer:  “I’m not exactly the best dancer, but what better way to find out if there is chemistry?”

This Author:  [Anguished Cry] and also “OMG HE DID NOT.”

 RLind:  “I feel like we should get along with each other but there is something missing.”

Jack the Lawyer:  “Act like you kind of enjoy it.”
Jack the Lawyer: “I think that the true telltale sign (of falling in love) is that when I’m with Rachel I couldn’t be happier.”
Jack the Lawyer: “I missed the dance steps because all of my eyes were on you.”

KMu:  “All of his eyes?” 
ABe:  “This is the Most Awkward Date Ever.  There has to be an acronym for that . . .”

RLind:  “DON’T KISS ME I’M SICK.”
Jack the Lawyer:  [Does so Anyway]

ABe:  “M.A.D.E.  This date is MADE.  Damn.”

It gets worse at dinner, as Jack informs the camera that he can “totally feel myself falling in love with Rachel” and then this happens for the next 30 seconds:

But, then, as RLind tries to let him down easy (“um, this has been easy and fun, but what I am missing as the spark”), Jack the Lawyer is all “I would like to reserve 2 minutes for rebuttal.”

Jack the Lawyer: “I feel really perfect around you, we match.”
Jack the Lawyer:  “I love parents!  Does your dad have a good sense of humor?” 

RLind:   “Yeah, but you really have to get to know him.”

KMu:  “And you are not going to.”

RLind:  “So, where would you take me on a date in Dallas?”
Jack the Lawyer:  Proceeds to talk for 10 minutes about himself, also proposing that his date IN DALLAS would be to lock the door and just stay in bed and talk all night.

ABe:  “Has this man ever been on a date before?  You’re supposed to ask her questions and get to know her, not lecture her.”
KMu:  “Dude, he’s A LAWYER.”

RLind to the camera:  “I asked him where he would take me in Dallas.  Laying in bed and talking does not sound fun to me.”

Proving that lawyers, with rare, unicorn-like exception, cannot make it further than mid-way on this show, Jack the Lawyer gets the axe.

As this Lesson in Why Lawyers Are Not As Eligible As They Sound On Paper unfolds, Racist Lee is talking to Will back at the house about Kenny being “aggressive” to him.   Will, earning all of our love forever and ever amen, refuses to call Kenny “aggressive” and painstakingly explains to Racist Lee that there is a history in America of calling black men “aggressive” to justify all manner of unfair acts against them, and please try to understand that this is a trigger word for a lot of people.

ABE:  “YES.  There some WOKE men on this show.  How the hell did that happen?”
Racist Lee: [shit eating grin]: “I don’t understand the race card, but apparently it got played.”

We hate him.

Back in fantasy land, RLind has decided that there will be no rose ceremony this evening.  Iggy is complaining because he hasn’t had more time with RLind, and First Peter Whom We Love (All of Us) is like “Rachel is having a demonstrably hard time, dude.  Think of her a little.”

Joining Dean Go Black/Not Back and Goose with roses, RLind picks:

1. Eric.  Really Rachel??
2. First Peter.  YAY.
3. Adam of the Dolls.  (He says” “she hasn’t seen the whole Adam yet.  She’s had a glimpse.  She’s had a snack.” Says KMu:  “Gross.”)
4. Will.
5. Matt of the Penguin.  We still don’t really know him.
6. The Russian.
7.  The Special Prosecutor.
8.  FROZONE!!!  YAYA!!!!
9. Kenny, who is now making snake moves and we are tired of it and he needs to grow up. Aaaaand ..
10.  Racist Lee.

The Tickler and Iggy are going home.  The Tickler offers the following for Bachelor Nation:
“I have got to get out there and find a girl who can appreciate a good set of tickling hands.”

KMu:  That is officially the grossest life goal I have heard.”

But Iggy cries as he says goodbye and concludes that maybe he shouldn’t have spent the entire time talking about other people.  And also, that he’s only just now getting to know himself.  Goodness.

So this is normally when the episode would end but because ABC is messing with us this evening, we find ourselves in Oslo, Norway.  This is going to be a problem for this Author, whose conversations over the last year with her husband have been as follows:

MCo:  “I have to go to Denmark for work.”
KLo:  “SO, when you are in Norway do you think. . . “
MCo: “I AM NOT GOING TO NORWAY. GAH.”

In any event, RLind is excited to be in Norway, not Denmark, with the men.   She is also realizing that her relationships with them need to be more than “fun.” And the Special Prosecutor, with whom we are not excited to be, declares to no one in particular that if only RLind gives him time, “I feel like I will be the one.”  This statement is so much everything that this Author hates about lawyers that we have no words.

The first 1:1 date goes to Goose.  Lo, for RLind feels like she needs to know if they have more than a mere physical connection.   At age 37, Goose is the oldest of her suitors, so we figure he could just act his age and come out ahead of a lot of these guys. 

RLind and Goose take an elevator to the top of an Olympic ski jump ramp, WHICH LOOKS TERRIFYING, and they decide to rappel down.  She is so scared that she is laughing instead of crying, and we love her.  But she apparently loves Goose, who talks her through the rappelling situation, and kisses her, and does not bore her.  But caution:  He is 37, educated, gainfully employed . . . there must be something wrong.

In order to investigate this, RLind wears bondage gear to dinner, which we cannot draw because it was Hidden By A Sweater for All Decency Required by Prime Time Television.  But during dinner, RLind reveals that she has A Very Beautiful Sister and did not Blossom herself until college.  So, when she began receiving male attention, she didn’t know how to take it.   We sympathize with her, as the following did occur during This Author’s High School Career:

Boy:  “I asked your older sister SHa to prom and she said no.   So I asked your younger sister ERo to prom, and SHE said no.  So will you go to prom?”

 Spoiler:  We said no.   

But Goose, perhaps unlocking the mystery of his own apparent perfection, reveals that he was super-skinny and covered in acne until his senior year of high school.  We are then permitted to hear a short reference to a four year relationship during which he never allowed himself to get serious, leading to its demise and also, his realization “a few years ago” that it was time to man up.  And then he says HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. 

Babies, this is what is called A Full Court Press.

He gets the rose and they kiss.  Horribly.

Next up, a group date in which the men play handball, to be taught to them by “Coach Tom,” a world championship coach.

Coach Tom, looking pained:  “I have to teach you how to play hand ball now.”
Will:  “I have actually played a lot of handball.”  WHAT?

ABC puts the men in wrestling clothes, which is not at all what handball players wear, and at one point First Peter picks RLind up.

The Special Prosecutor:  “Peter man, the next thing you know he has a handful of ass.  I mean a HANDFULL of ass.  And all I could think of was that I wished it was me.”

Sigh.

Blah blah we have a series of 1:1 times during which Will reveals that his prior girlfriend left him and he gets a kiss from Rachel, the Russian says something about getting “lost in” RLind’s eyes, Matt puts some lyrics of a song onto something, and then the Special Prosecutor shows, AGAIN, why lawyers are not all the crack:

SP:   “My dad told my mom, on their second date, that god told him she was the woman for him. And my mom thought you were crazy.”

RLind:  “I WOULD TOO.”

KMu:  This is what’s called taking the note.” 

SP:  (not taking the note): “honest to god I feel like you are the woman for me.”

RLind to the camera:  The Prosecutor is smooth, but he’s not really asking me questions, or interested in learning about me. He seems more interested in the idea of me.” 

The highlight of this evening is that RLind and First Peter spend 3.5 hours in the hot tub on what is supposed to be a group date.  Damn.   And also, this only comes after First Peter swears he could kiss her “all night” but then declines to do so because “we have so much ground to cover.”  And also, as he later tells the camera, he thinks what they have is “atypical” but that he wants to make sure it can last a lifetime.  WE LOVE YOU FIRST PETER.

But First Peter is seized with worry when they return to the men, who are a bit salty that he’s been with RLind for 3.5 hours.  And also, more worried when RLind gives the group date rose to Will instead of him.  Come on First Peter, if RLind spent that long with you and THEN gave you the group date rose, the rest of the house would hate you forever.

The only bright spot in the remaining portions of this episode is when FroZone schools Eric when he complains that of all the black men remaining, RLind has only asked FroZone on a 1:1 date.   FroZone is all, “I don’t think we’re all interchangeable black guys.  Each of us is a different person, and you can’t put it in racial categories.  You need to build her trust to date her.”

ABe: “I cannot believe how many woke brothers are on this show.”

Sadly, instead of the balm that is Frozone, we get a 2:1 date with Kenny and Racist Lee.   We hate the all of this, so we will be brief. 

Racist Lee polishes his boots, reads a book about Norway (probably his first), and lifts weights.  He also makes a plan to try to make Kenny nuts.  Goose suggests to Kenny that maybe he wants to try to be the bigger man, and instantly we know that will Not Work Out.

This 2:1 date involves taking a helicopter to the top of a mountain where everyone is obviously cold and miserable.   Kenny spends all of his time with RLind talking about Racist Lee, and Racist Lee spends all of his time with RLind telling lies about Kenny being violent towards him.   This enrages Kenny, who then acts like a 12 year old towards Racist Lee.   RLind is annoyed because she wants clarity and doesn’t have it, and we hate the world.

This episode ends on a TO BE CONTINUED as Kenny stalks towards Lee.    Stay tuned for tomorrow, when we see the end of this tripe.  

KLo.