Fifty Shades Darker Part 6: Sunday, Bloody Sunday

 Babies, As You May Recall, we had a bonus episode of the Bachelorette this week and therefore, the BNU Visits Unto You yet again today.   But beware, for this means NO BNU next week, for ABC has decided that Celebrating The Birth of Our Country will involve Reality TV this year, but certainly not anything about love for our fellow humans.

ANYWAY, we last left off in the in the Norwegian wilds with the 2:1 date involving Kenny and Racist Lee.   After talking to both of them, RLind is not sure who she needs to send home.   Kenny, continuing to make Terrible Life Choices, berates Racist Lee along the lines of “Yo Snake, you ever feel shame?” while Racist Lee responds “Jesus loves you.”   By all means, Racist Lee, weaponized religion.  Everyone else is doing it these days.

Thankfully, RLind concludes that she doesn’t trust Racist Lee and gives him the boot.  TO WHICH HE RESPONDS, “That’s ok sweetheart, but just so you know, Kenny came up to me a few minutes ago and .  . .”  Rachel shuts him down.  Bless.

But here is our thing (All of Us).   Rachel then turns to Kenny and tells him she needs more time with him to decide if he gets the date rose.  So, he’s “won,” but he still has to dance for his life.   They walk to the helicopter to continue their date  . . . and then Kenny LEAVES HER, saying he has to GO BACK TO RACIST LEE and finish some things.  We reiterate:  he abandons this woman who has just told him he needs to step up, literally leaving her seatbelted inside a helicopter wasting the very few minutes of 1:1 time she has given him, while he returns to the guy who was just kicked off in order to get a few more verbal licks in.

 RLind:  “WTF.”
KMu:  “Girl, fly away.  FLY AWAY.”
RLind:  “I am so annoyed right now.
The BNU:  “LEAVE HIM.  LEAVE HIM!!!”

But she doesn’t.  Instead, Kenny comes back to the helicopter, talks some more about Lee, and also, talks about Lee some more over dinner.

RLind: “what’s up with the fact that when I walk away with YOU, why did you leave me to walk back to HIM?”
Kenny:  “I’m verbal.  And part of the process I had to go through to become a better person is to not bottle things up.”
This Author:  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

Somehow, he gets the rose on this date.

And just like that, we are at another rose ceremony.  Since The Lawyer got the boot the other night, only Goose and Kenny have roses from the last two dates.   But suddenly we don’t care because Rachel has rolled in aluminum foil and made a dress.

When this author was a child, we made pants and a shirt for our little sister ERo by making her roll around on some fabric and then cutting around her like a paper doll.  Similarly, we are pretty sure this dress has, at some point in its journey, involved chewed up pieces of foil, stretched back out and draped. 

“I’m not talking to the government!” whispers this Author, wishing RLind had completed the outfit with a tin foil hat.

In any event, RLind gives roses to:

1.  Dean Go Black/Not Back.

2.  Eric.  MEH.

3.  First Peter.  FOR THE WIN.

We interrupt the rose giving for the Special Prosecutor, who declares: “if she doesn’t give me a rose, there is something wrong with her brain. There are so many layers to me:  I am caring, empathetic, smart.  If I don’t get a rose, I will be shocked!!!”    We are so tired of him.

4.  Russian.

5.  Adam of the dolls.  Aaaaaand. . . .

6. Matt.

DAAAAAMN.  Frozone and The Special Prosecutor get the cut.  SP wastes no time being offensive:  “No one thought I was going to come home. And I love the Russian, but you think that KGB agent is better than me?”

But this Author is distracted by Bigger Things:
KMu:  That man is arrogant to the end.
This Author: “NOOOOOO. FROZONE.”
Eric:  “Two more black guys are gone.”
ABe:  “I am getting really irritated by Eric’s fixation on the balance of white versus black men.”
This Author:  “FROZONE.  NOOOOOOOO.”

We are continuing to mourn Frozone as the remaining group fly to Denmark.  “This is an amazing hotel, so well appointed, and also, I can see the castle from my hotel room! This is the perfect place for a fairy tale romance,” RLind reads off the teleprompter while drinking a can of diet coke and also, driving a Nissan (not really). 

“It’s just like Cleveland, you guys!” says ABe.

Soon, a date card comes and it is for Eric.  “I’m Copen to Love.”  This Author starts searching frantically for her wine glass because there is not enough alcohol in the world to get us through this one.   Kenny, meanwhile, is mad because he didn’t get the 1:1.  Really?

We really don’t like Eric, who is the most fragile of fragile egos and only happy when given attention.   Sadly, as this is a 1:1, the attention is what he gets.  As RLind rides up in a boat, Eric lets out a happy scream, gives her a hug, and then climbs into the boat with her to go investigate the City. 

ABe, for All of Us:  “I don’t like him for how he talks when he’s not around her.”

Eric:  “What do you like to do?”
RLind:  “I like sports.”

Eric to the camera:  “I am really, feeling this girl, you know.”

 OMG WE HATE HIM.  By age 32 (or really at age 22 or ever), we think a lady has the right not to have some guy croon about “feeling her” as a “girl.” 

Blah blah some kissing in a hot tub, and also, bumper cars.  RLind is happy that Eric is “out of his head” and she is able to “bring the child out of” him. 
ABe: “Or alternatively, he never became an adult.”

At dinner, he explains that he has never committed to any woman because his mother didn’t give him love.  Seriously. 

She gives him a rose. 

While all of this is happening, the group date card comes for Dean Go Black/Not Back, Kenny, Goose, The Russian, Matt, First Peter, and Adam of the Dolls.   “I’ve taken a Viking to you guys,”  says the card.  Kenny is, once again, mad that it is Will that gets the 1:1 instead of him because he wants to move his relationship forward with Rachel.

ABe:   “Maybe should have through that for the past 2 episodes. Jesus Christ help me, KLo.  I can’t do this.”

And also, Dean Go Black/Not Back admits to everyone that he has never “really” dated a black woman.
ABe: [inarticulate sputtering].

On this date, Our Heroine explains that the words “give” and “dream” in English are of Viking origin, so she wants to see if these guys can “give her the dream.”  This does not even make any sense, but whatever.

Our favorite part of all of this are Tom and Morten, Viking training instructors, a/k/a the Knights of Ni, who are going to teach them some Viking games/fighting.
ABe:  “I feel that I would be good at this.”
This Author:  “That’s because you box.”
ABe:   “OMG, First Peter [in his Viking clothes].  He is looking hotter than anyone should.”
KMu:   “He could wear that in real life.”

The BNU enjoys a moment of silence in appreciation of First Peter.

So these Viking games.  . . .  one of them literally involves RLind holding a greased stick and, the man that can take it out of her hand gets to marry her.  We don’t really know who wins this, as we are too distracted by Dean Go Black/Not Back, who “looks like he could be on the cover of Viking Teen Vogue,” observes KMu. 

Eventually, Kenny and Adam of the Doll are the final two and now get to fight to the death with sticks and shields.   “I’m willing to lay it all on the line for Princess Rachel Lindsay,” declares Adam.  We hate him.

Both men get bloody eyes, but Kenny wins.

Off we go to various 1:1 conversations.  We hate to say it, but Goose gets it right, “completely tuned in to Rachel and focused on her” (in the words of KMu) when they are together, rather than talking incessantly about himself or the other men in the house.  RLind worries that he is too good to be true, and also, that they are living in two different states.   Oh, but he is here for her, 100% ready! Oh Oh!!!! his family will accept her, because if she loves him, they will love her, 10000%!   RLind notes that she feels accepted by Goose, flaws and all, and that she’s never had that before.

We don’t know about Goose, but a Hush Comes Over the BNU when First Peter steps up to bat.  We 

take a moment of silent admiration:

First Peter admits that he gets nervous every time he talks to RLind and also, she reveals that she really likes the way his relationship is moving and SO DO WE (ALL OF US).

The rest of this date involves RLind kissing Dean Go Black/Not Back, The Russian, and Adam of the Dolls.  But crisis:  During 1:1 time with Matt, he reveals to RLind that Kenny is completely fine physically after his broken eyeball, but is struggling personally.   So RLind takes Kenny off for some 1:1.

Kenny explains that this has been difficult for him, and getting more so.  He also admits that he does not know that his relationship with RLind has grown in the way in which he had wanted it to.
RLind:  “So you’re not getting “it” from me.  What is “It.”
Kenny:   “I am not sure, I . . .”
RLind;  What is that “It” factor that you feel is missing?
KMu:   “She’s deposing him right now, let’s be clear.  Mad respect.”

The two proceed to have a completely adult conversation in which they both express their questions and concerns, and they mutually agree that he should go home to his daughter.   This has to be a First for this franchise. 

Kenny:  “Rachel is the most amazing woman.  But if McKenzie (his daughter) grows up to be like Rachel, I know I’ve done my job.”

And just like that, we love Kenny again.  And we love his daughter, who tells him how proud she is of him for taking this risk and going to all this new places, as he calls her from the exit limo.   And also, we love RLind, for being completely respectful and adult about the whole thing, both to Kenny and the rest of the men.

KMu:  “I am falling in love with the Bachelorette”
ABe:  “Me too. She makes me want to be a better person.”

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

First Peter gets the rose on this date.  YAY.

Now that the group date is over, Will reveals, prior to his 1:1 date, that he “typically dates white girls.  It’s not like I don’t date black girls, I have.  But you know.” 

This Author becomes stressed:

But RLind is hoping that it is going to be “so romantic” for them to explore Sweden, which is apparently what is going to happen.    Since we watched the last 15 minutes of this episode last night once the Hulus ran out on the prior episode, ABe makes a prediction:

ABe:   “It will not be romantic.  She will not have a good time. Jesus, KLo, I can’t believe you are making me watch this again.”

Now some Swedish hipster is singing a “romantic Swedish song” (according to closed captioning).  Will and RLind walk past said hipster and find themselves in a bar, talking to a couple who met while dancing 35 years ago and are married.  The man kisses his wife.  Will looks forward woodenly.  RLind says “kiss me” and he does, awkwardly.

This Author:

RLind is getting frustrated because the most Will has done is hold her hand “and even that is a stretch.”  This Author wants to sink through the floor.

ABe:  “Will is like a caricature of a hot guy.  It’s like he assumes that all he has to be is pretty, because two attractive people will inevitably connect.  But there is no substance there.”

RLind steps up the romance, taking him to this beautiful look out point . . . where they stand, not even touching, for like 10 minutes:

Dinner goes no better, though admittedly we don’t see much of it because we are now like this:

KMu: "Do you want a blanket, KLo?"

 RLind proposes a toast to “moving forward,” and if that wasn’t enough of a clue that Will is getting the axe, Will seals his fate by saying the following: “I date mostly white women, because that is what was available to me.” 

RLind has none of it: “That’s interesting.  We grew up basically in identical communities, which were predominantly white and yet I have dated a range of people, and predominantly black men.  You made different choices.”   But Will, adding yet another nail to his coffin, declares that he is very passionate and caring in his relationships.  RLind’s face says it all.

ABe: “Ok, that man has not touched her.  On the heels of proclaiming that he dates white women, he says he is physically affectionate but is not expressing that with her?  He’s not interested.  He just likes the idea of Rachel as the ideal black woman.  He doesn’t want to date her.”

She gives Will the Axe, and we emerge from behind the protection of our sweater.

The rest of this episode is confusing.  And not only because RLind is wearing A Complicated Peephole Situation:

And pointy boots.  On the beach.

We aren’t really sure why ABC is filming RLind here, as it doesn’t have anything to do with anything except maybe “contemplation.” Soon we cut, instead, to another rose ceremony.  RLind is upset about what is about to happen.    Chris Harrison, whom we have entirely forgotten about at this point, translates her emotions for the rest of us:  “I see that you look solemn.”  Really?  REALLY???

RLind, in a dress we like, temporarily runs off crying before giving out roses.  But when she returns, she picks the following people to join First Peter and Eric with roses:

1. Goose.

2.  Matt.  Whom we still don’t know.

3.  Dean GB/NB

4.  Adam of the Dolls.  Whom we also don’t know.

The Russian goes home.  More interestingly, in the span of 1.5 hours RLind has hacksawed the group down to six men, two of whom have received practically no air time.  

This Author:  “From this point forward, I would like to just see First Peter.”
KMu: ‘Like, First Peter’s romance with RLind, or just First Peter.”
This Author:  “First Peter.”

Stay tuned for . . . whatever happens next whenever ABC decides to air it.

Have a good 4^th, babies.  And also, call your senators.

Love, KLo.