Fifty Shades Darker Part 7: Team First Peter

We have some Morning Announcements.  Remember how we went hiking in The Montanas two years ago and didn’t have interwebs and so the BNU was A Bit Twitty with its time delay?   Well, we are hiking In the remote wilds of the Icelands (or as the French say, The EEEES-LONDS) for the next two weeks and may not have interwebs AT ALL.  So, there either will be no BNU . . .  or a BNU at Twitty Times . . .  or possibly three BNUs when we get home in August – we just don’t know.  It will be like a surprise for all of us!  And also, it is This Author’s birthday next week so none of you will give us any grief about it.

In any event, here we are in Geneva, Switzerland.  Oh!  It has mountains!  And Cobblestones!  And Romance!   RLind has dressed up for the occasion in This Authors’ high school spandex miniskirt, which was black, short, and looked excellent with clogs.   We take a dim view to our Heroine’s decision to pair it with high heels on the cobblestones.  As she picks her way down the street, she swears she is determined to “follow her heart and gut and see who rises above the rest.”

“I’m rising right now, just thinking of you girl” murmurs this author on behalf of the men.

So there are six guys left and the only thing we care about is that First Peter is wearing I-Ate-Too-Many-Carrots-Poop-Brown-Pants.

“He’s hot but I’m not into brown pants,” says ABe.  

Our Heroine announces that she is doing things differently this week, with three 1:1 dates and one 3:1 group date.  There will be no rose ceremony this week.  Ooooo. 

ABe:  “So there are going to be six dates, right?”
KLo:  “Hahahahhaha.”
ABe.  “Wait, don’t put that in the blog.”

RLind warns the guys to “trust her” in the making of decisions about this process and not get in their heads.  And then she picks Goose for her first 1:1.  WTF.  Worse still, this is supposed to a “luxurious date,” so out of the gate, they approach a Bentley.  Which Goose gets to drive, instead of her.

KMu:  “WTF, she doesn’t get to drive? She’s the bachelorette; she should get to drive.”
ABe:  “But this is the princess date, KMu.  Everybody knows [HUGE BELCH] princesses don’t drive.”

But now Goose is telling us that he feels all #blessed to go on this date.  Which involves going to a Breitling store and picking out watches.  Goose reveals that he wore a Swatch back in the day and that this is “exceeding his expectations.”

ABe & This Author in chorus:  “Exceeds Expectations.”  We love us some Harry Potter.

But then this happens:

Goose:  “I like the black one.”
RLind:  “DO you . . ?
Goose:  “I mean, obviously. . . “
The Entire BNU:  “GAAAAAAAAH.”

So she buys him a watch which KMu, resident investigator, advises retails for over $7,000.   In exchange, he eats her entire face:

We become worried as this date continues.  RLind declares that she feels like she is in the right place at the right time with the right person with Goose.  Setting the bar high for herself, she also expresses wonderment that she did not “run away” when Goose declared his love earlier in the season.  Oh, and she loves his quiet, strong confidence.

So they take a boat, and then go to dinner on stage at the theater.  Which would be drafty but whatever.   At dinner, our Heroine declares that she loves that Goose is “not phased by my deficiencies in the love department” and we chastise her to speak better of herself.  Meanwhile, Goose reveals that as a child, he had an earring and she reveals that she went to private school and wore a plaid skirt.

Goose:  “Let’s talk about your last relationship?”
RLind:  “Let’s talk about yours.  What was it?”
Goose:  “It was eerily similar to what we have going on because it was passionate, hot and heavy.  But I noticed little things about her.  Like, she wasn’t ready to compromise and meet MY MOM halfway.   And then she told me she was breaking up with me because of MY MOM.”

ABe: “Wait.  May defense approach the bench?”
KMu:  “I have some questions.”
ABe:  “Side bar, your honor?”

Rachel gives Goose the rose anyway.  Goose responds that he will “cherish” it “forever” and “cannot wait” for various items.

KMu:  “What’s up with his language?  It’s like half relaxed (hot and heavy, girl) and half . . . “
“Romance Novel,” supplies this Author.

And then musicians pop out of the theater boxes and start playing a Bach Minuet.  Gentle readers, 100 years ago when this Author was 15, our ballet company conspired with the local Symphony, WITHOUT WARNING, to place aging warblers in the theater boxes to sing the “ahhhhhs” in the Snow Scene of the Nutcracker.  This Author, who was attempting a series of dramatic pique turns around a group of our colleagues when The Aging Warblers Sprung Forth, nearly fell on our ass and also, lost an earring down the bodice of a colleague. 

Thereafter, this Author got her ears pierced and we like to think Everyone Learned A Valuable Lesson about LARPing in the Nutcracker.  As we try to explain this all to KMu and ABe, they cut to the chase:

KMu:  “But you weren’t making out, right?”
ABe:  “That would be a different kind of nutcracker.”
KMu:  “And there’s the name of this particular romance we are now witnessing:  the Nutcracker.”

While this tragedy is unfolding, the next date card comes for Dean Go Black/Not Back:  “Dean, Put On Your Sunday Best.”   Dean GB/NB tells Adam of the Dolls: “don’t punch me in the face.”  You see, babies, Adam is complaining that he has not gotten a 1:1 date, and if only he did, Rachel would see how fabulous he is.  We hate him.

For this date, RLind takes Dean to Christmas Eve In this Author’s Life, also known as Catholic mass in French. 

For All of Us, ABe Speaks the Truth.   “It’s Switzerland, yo!  They should be going to a MENNONITE service. COME ON.”

Blah blah they understand not a word and then talk to a couple that has been married for 40 years after service, followed by dancing to the music of an organ grinder in front of the church.

KMu: “They were just grinding to the organ grinder’s tune.”

We have no words.

This date is making us a little nuts because Dean GB/NB is being given an absolute gift:  RLind is explicit that she needs more information from him, and what types of information he needs.  And this is what is happening:

Rachel on a Bridge:  “I’d like to learn about you.”
Dean.  [SILENCE].
Rachel at the dinner table.  “Tell me about your family.”
Dean:  “DO you believe in the tooth fairy?”
Rachel at the dinner table again.  “Tell me about your feelings regarding your family.”
Dean:  “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

Rachel begins to wonder if Dean is mature enough for her.  Girl, he is TWENTY-FIVE.  You are THIRTY-TWO. Run.  The Frack. Away.

But then Dean GB/NB opens up, revealing that the reason for his avoidance is that his family is “not the one she wants to meet” because his dad abandoned him at age 15 after Dean’s mom died, and then basically went off the deep end “right when I needed him most.”  He would have preferred her to see the family he had before age 15, and not the one he now has, where his dad is not an emotional compass for him or, he feels, a reflection of what his family was.

Our heart breaks for Dean.  We think Rachel’s does a little as well, as she explains that she doesn’t need or expect him to have a family like hers – she has that already.  She just wants to see who is the most important in HIS life.   We take a moment to appreciate the Class Act that is this season’s Bachelorette.  

In the end, Dean gets a rose and a fountain shoots up in the background as they kiss.
The BNU:  “HAHAHHA.”

Next on Deck:   The last 1:1 date with . . . .FIRST PETER.  She meets him in field by a helicopter and he is so blindingly hot that a hush falls over the BNU.

ABe:  “I’m going to need some alone time.”

First Peter and RLind are taking a helicopter to the top of a glacier in the French Alps.  She looks so happy.  WE are so happy looking at him.  “Do you realize you were the first 1:1 and my last 1:1?” she tells him and we DO realize it in the moment and feel IT IS MAGICAL.

They go dog sledding.  And then talk while sitting in the snow and in the freezing cold.  As ice crystals literally form on First Peter’s head, he tells Rachel that on bad days, he doesn’t know if he wants to stay (but in a nice way).

KMu:  “So you know the end of The Shining where Jack Nicholson freezes to death?  That’s where we are going here.”

Then First Peter pounces on RLind.  “This is surprisingly warm” he says as RLind giggles and we love him forever.

At dinner, our crush continues.

First Peter:  “I haven’t been this excited about a person in a very long time.
ABe:  “We haven’t felt that way either, First Peter.  Watching this show season after goddamn season.”

RLind: “You were really honest with me today, which is hard for me sometimes.  Have you ever brought a black girl home to meet your family?”
First Peter:  “I’ve never brought a black WOMAN home.”

 First Peter just scored 1,000 points with the BNU.

Then Peter tears up, telling her about how he broke the heart of his last girlfriend and blames himself for it because he hadn’t given his all to the relationship.  And that he is ready to Level Up now.  And we actually believe him, but he says that he’s not going to propose if he doesn’t feel ready for it in the end, but that he really really really likes her.  And also, he doesn’t use the word “love” lightly but he feels it is moving “in that direction.”

We get annoyed by Rachel, who in the face of this brutal honesty tells the camera that she is stressed he would not propose in the end.

KMu:  “Wait, so do you care about getting proposed to, or the guy?”

We chalk it up to ABC trying to throw dust in our eyes.  TEAM FIRST PETER.   

He gets the rose on this date.

At last we are on the 3:1 date:  “Tomorrow will be difficult.  I don’t know what else to say.” Says the card.

Adam of the Dolls: “I don’t like the word ‘difficult.’  I’ve never lived by that word.”  We hate him.

On this date, Eric, Adam of the Dolls, and Matt are going to France on a boat.   We don’t know what is happening with RLind’s outfit, which is like a cropped sweater, a hat, a huge coat and scarf.   The men are all wearing London Fog coats.  One jumps up and down and another claps when they learn they get to go to France.

This date is just  . . .meh.  Adam talks about himself, Matt basically is the nicest guy ever, and Eric talks about having a challenging upbringing. 

Of course Matt gets the boot first.  As tears stream down her face, RLind explains that she has had a soft spot for him because he reminds her so much of herself.  She lets him down easy, explaining that its been a real pleasure to know him, and has meant a lot to her for him to participate in this process.  And then she kisses him TWICE.  ON THE LIPS. As she says goodbye.  We are pretty sure that has never happened ever. 

ABe:  “I feel like she is a composite of the BNU.”

KMu: “Its like the three of us had a baby and she’s on this show!  Fly baby bird, fly!”

We secretly think any baby bird of This Author would more closely resemble An Old Cat but we keep quiet.

Matt is equally grown-up, expressing that he hopes for all positive things in her life as he drives off in the limo.   The BNU likes Matt and concludes that she probably axed him first because out of these three dudes, she liked him the most and didn’t want to drag this out.

Which is why we are now left with Adam, who declares that Rachel “Put me on this date for a reason.  This is the cherry on top of everything I’ve built.”  And then, when RLind calls him out on saying that only a “part of him” is falling in love, he explains that without constant affirmation, he pulls back.  And also: “You know that moment, when I picked you up and spun you around in the grass after mudwrestling?  That’s when the part of me started to fall.”  

Hahahahaha. And also, oh dear.

Blahdy blah, and now here comes Eric.  Salient take-away:  He is 29 years old and has never brought a woman home.  At the same time, he’s never known his parents to be together, we think his dad is in jail, and various immediate family members have committed various crimes.   We feel terrible for Eric, who pretty much sounds like he raised himself.

Rachel:  “So who helps Eric?”
Eric:  “Well, that’s why I’m here.”
ABe: “Child, go heal thyself.”

In the end, RLind gives the rose to Eric.  As she walks Adam out, he tells her that he doesn’t want her to feel like “things would have been different if she had kept Adam.”
ABe:  “She’s not thinking that.  Don’t worry.”

In the car, Adam declares that she has made a huge mistake. “Massive.”  Yes, it is all about you, Adam.

So now we are down to Goose, Dean GB/NB, First Peter, and Eric.  And the BNU will be continued until An unknown time in the next several weeks. 

Love, KLo