Fifty Shades Darker Part 8: I Kill You.

Sis-boom-bah Babies we are WEEKS delayed but this Author arrived home AT ALL OF THE 2 AMs from Iceland last night in time to catch up on Hometown dates from two weeks ago and also, Other Items Soon to Follow From Last Week’s Episode of Our Favorite Show.

We immediately go to Baltimore with Eric.  However, we are deeply confused because RLind has deliberately tucked in only one quarter of her shirt:

Gentle readers, though this May Be Hard to Believe, we are not ourselves terribly fashion forward.  I bring you Exhibit A, or this author’s post-hike ode to The German Tourist last week:

But still we will persist because tucking one quarter, and a front quarter at that, makes no more sense than wearing leggings as pants.

In any event, Eric does not notice.  Instead, he catches Rachel as she monkey clips onto him and sits down on a park bench where he says, “So this is the nice part of the city.  This isn’t the part I came from.”   We are beginning to like him more.  We also are endeared to RLind, despite the shirt and monkey clippiness, when she asks Eric if he “wants to get schooled today” when he takes her to a basketball court.  Our Heroine plays in high heels and makes her baskets.

The summary of this Hometown is that we love, love, love Eric’s family.  First we meet cousin Ralph at the basketball court, who tells RLind how proud he is of Eric for taking a different path, getting straight A’s in school, and so forth.  We then love Eric for talking about how all the women in his family are super strong because they’ve done it all on their own, and then we meet said women and LOVE THEM, ESPECIALLY Aunt Verna.

Babies, Aunt Verna is all “Rachel, let’s bring up a word:  R-A-C-E.  How are you dealing with being the first Black Bachelorette?”  And RLind is all, “Let me be straight.  It is a ton of pressure because I’m being judged by two different groups:  the black community and everyone else.”  And Aunt Verna is like “Damn girl, I feel you.” (paraphrased).  Aunt Verna also says that she has no doubt that Eric is ready to get married, and that he is unafraid of commitment despite this being the first time he has brought a lady home. 

Next up, we meet Mom Karen.  We don’t know what has transpired between her and Eric, but based on his conversation with her, we can only guess that she decided to withhold affection from him as a child because she believed that it would make him into a stronger man than those around him.  Eric says  he loves her anyway, and we get a little teary.   But then we REALLY get teary with Dad, who starts to get teary himself when he apologizes to Eric for taking him through all the things he did, and tells Eric how proud of him he is. 

And THEN Eric toasts, declaring that he’s been running from love his whole life but is not running anymore.  We secretly think he is not quite at the same place RLind is occupying at the moment, but this hometown has changed our outlook on Eric and therefore we hold our peace.

Rachel, our legal hero to the end, points out that as he declared his love, he said not “I love you” but rather “I am feeling love for you, and WHAT THAT MEANS IS that I care about you.” That’s right, Gentle Readers, RLind knows that Eric isn’t ready for Looooove either just yet. 

But before we can fully digest this, we are whisked away to Miami to meet Goose and his family.  Once again, Rachel monkeyclips onto Goose.  We begin to suspect that she has been told to do this with every date.

So Goose takes Rachel to domino park, where they lose badly against a couple old men.  He then feeds her an arepa, making this Tiny Author’s mouth water, as our cupboard currently is bare and we ate fish dip for lunch (don’t tell our husband).  And then they go dancing salsa somewhere on Calle Ocho, during which time RLind head butts Goose.   Meanwhile, Goose tries to prepare RLind for his family: “so my dad Joe is charismatic, soft spoken, charming.  My mom on the other hand . . . . I’m her only child.  But I think as long as they see the love and affection we feel for each other, it will all be fine.”

We wish, wish, wish that we were watching this with KMu and ABe at this very moment.  Lo, for we are suddenly thrust into “Dos Mujeres y Une Triscuit,” SNL’s version of a telenovela, upon meeting Goose’s mom. 

“Bryan is MY LIFE.  He is my pride.  For me, a woman that separated him from me would be terrible,” she says with a martial glint in her eye.

 “You’ve been out with so, so many girls, my son.  And yet, you go on a show, and you fall in love with the girl on the show???? I’m amazed.” She continues in 1:1 time with Goose.

Clanging the tornado siren, Goose’s unnamed female relative unloads on Goose’s ex to RLind:  “Oh yes, Bryan’s prior girlfriend’s DEMISE was in not wanting to share Bryan with the family.  That was her DEMISE, for sure.”

 And then in 1:1 time with RLind, Mom warns her:

Mom:  “Bryan is bery bery close to us. He is my life.  But I just want to advise you, to give you a word of warning.  You are marrying the family too.  If He’s happy, I’m happy.  If not . . . . I’ll kill you.”

RLind: [awkward silence] . . . [burst of nervous laughter].

Mom:   “This morning, I went to mass.” [starts crying].   “Because I was asking god that if you are the one, and he is happy, then I am happy.”

This is terrifying.  But Goose leads RLind out on the porch swing and kisses her (GAH! We scream on behalf of the BNU).  He declares his happiness, and THEN HIS LOVE.  Oh oh oh, for he doesn’t want to hold these feelings back any more!”  RLind is giddy, allowing herself to feel “all of the feels.”  

We are feeling all of the feels too, but it is because NOW WE ARE IN MADISON WITH FIRST PETER.  We pause in silent mediation of his hotness:

But Rachel MONKEY CLIP KISSES AGAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING.  We anticipate ABC coaching her: “First, you are going to run to each man and jump onto him when you meet.  Then, when meeting the family, you will begin by talking to them about how you first met” because that has happened in all of these dates.

We learn that First Peter goes to the Farmer’s Market every Saturday, and is taking RLind there.  And also, to his favorite bar, where he went with some friends before he left for the show, and is now surprising RLind by throwing those friends on her as well.  Meanwhile, RLind worries that First Peter is keeping his walls up and not progressing in the relationship.

This should be concerning to us except that we have stopped listening because one of First Peter’s friends looks like, and is also built like, Dwayne The Rock Johnson. 

Goodness.  What is in the water in Madison? 

So the friends warn RLind that First Peter can be a “little goofy.”  And then, First Peter steals his guy friends for some private time, where he reveals that it is “f-ing terrifying” to him that he would have to be proposing in three weeks.  The one guy is like “Don’t be afraid of the future, man, because when you know it’s the right person, it won’t feel stressful.”  But Dwayne the Rock Johnson is like “Don’t F--- it up, man.” 

Next up, dinner with First Peter’s family in Cottage Grove.  First Peter confesses to the camera that he doesn’t know if he’s ready to get engaged.  It “could happen,” but he’s “not there yet.”  And also, he “hopes for clarity after today.”  Oh Dear.

We meet Mom Lynn, Dad Gary, Brother Gary (?) and his wife Brooke, and their kids Hudson and Charlotte.  We learn that First Peter accidentally grabbed RLind’s butt on the first night of the show, and also that while there is chemistry between them, Mom Lynn isn’t really sure he’s ready for a marriage proposal yet.  “Commitment, yes,” however.  But RLind isn’t interested in having yet another boyfriend out of this process—she wants to be ENGAGED, damn it.   And in four years, she wants to be married with at least one kid.  We respect that, and don’t blame her.  First Peter is like 35 years old.  This is not an unreasonable expectation of a man that age. 

We begin to worry more after dinner, when First Peter does not profess his love but instead tells RLind that he is “very happy” and wants to “keep seeing where things go.” 

Last up, Aspen Colorado with Dean Go Black/Not Back.  Spoiler alert:  Monkey clip kiss begins this date.

But we feel bad for Dean GBNB, who is totally stressed to see his dad, with whom he has not spoken in 2 years.  But he takes RLind to ride ATVs first, which RLind loves.   She calls him her “beautiful surprise,” on this show, which we think is super nice except holy shit that surprise is going to Get Real when they meet the whole family in a few hours.  Babies.  BABIES.  The family has not been together all under one roof in EIGHT YEARS and ABC is going to film their first meeting.

As they walk up to the front door off Dean GBNB’s dad’s house, Dean says he is “legitimately terrified” and we feel bad for him.  As warned previously, we are going to be meeting Dean’s brothers Brad and Ross, Brad’s girlfriend, and Dean’s sister Skye.  Also, Dean’s dad became some kind of Kundalini yogi and shaman six years ago, after apparently living a fairly conservative life up to that point.  He has given himself a new name, Parumrup (“divinely beautiful”) and also, has a new wife named Santantar.

When Dean GBNB and RLind arrive, the whole family is sitting on a floor in a circle.  They don’t have a table.  And Parumrup requests that everyone lay on the floor with their heads pointing towards him because he is going to play the gong for them, which is “quite cleansing.”  He then delivers feathers to Dean and to RLind in memory of Dean’s mom.   And they eat mung beans and vegetables together.  We feel painfully awkward for them.

But then Dean asks for some 1:1 time with his dad and it all goes in the toilet.  And we are not going to make fun of any of it because this is our assessment:  Dean’s dad broke in half when his mom died.  He didn’t know how to do anything but make money for the family, so that’s what he did, and left them to fend for themselves in every other way. This broke Dean – which Dean’s Dad cannot look straight in the face so he won’t let Dean talk about it.  

Babies, we at the BNU understand lighting a match to drop behind you when you leave, as well as we understand being left in scorch mark.

So, we aren’t going to tease Parumrup, or Dean, except to say that we hope this whole family finds ways to have family again, together or apart.  We also give mad props to Rachel, who seeks Parumrup out after he leaves the house in a huff, in order to try to connect. 

When RLind finds Dean laying on the floor of the house later on, Dean swears he is falling in love with her and she SAYS IT BACK.  She later says, which is probably more true, that she suspects Dean is having difficulty processing all of his emotions and doesn’t exactly know how to feel about anything.

We feel tired.  And not just because of the jet lags.

In the final minutes, we find ourselves in Houston at a rose ceremony, where Rachel tells the four men that “to the person she has to say goodbye to tonight,” she’s so sorry, and that she wants him to know that he is an amazing person, and that she’s sorry to do this.

And she picks:  

1. Goose.

2. Eric.

3.  Aaaaaaand (holy shit):  FIRST PETER. 

Dean goes home, shocked and confused.  He did not see this coming, particularly after she returned his declaration of love.  We feel bad for him.

Onward.  

KLo