Fifty Shades Darker Part 9: The Possible Betrayal of First Peter.

Babies, this Author is feeling her jet lag as we continue our slog through last week’s Bachelorette.  Behold, our soul:

Our eyes are equally assaulted, as Rachel has appeared on camera wearing a jacket that she ripped off the shoulders of Sheila E in 1992 and turned into a skirt. 

There are military vest aspects, including but not limited to buttons.  And also, serious asymmetry.  Together with a heavy dose of lace trim.  And the whole thing is capped on top with a white V-neck men’s t-shirt.

What. The Actual. Futon.

Apparently this is how one dresses to introduce men to her family in Dallas, Texas.  Yes, babies, that’s right – instead of waiting for the last two contestants to meet the family, usually after the overnight dates, IT. IS. HAPPENING. NOW.  This is because Rachel’s sister Constance is 8 months pregnant and basically due upon the moment of Rachel’s finale. 

We are excited because First Peter is going first.  Behold our excitement:

First our Heroine takes First Peter to the baby store to pick up a few gifts for her sister.  

Demonstrating that First Peter has no brothers and therefore no concept of what it is like to be dressed the same as one’s same gendered sibling, he reveals that he likes the matchy matchy outfits.  

We think this is ultimately what they decide on but have once again resumed our viewing position so we can’t be sure:

 Before First Peter and RLind go in the door, he reveals that he wants to express something.  And that thing is that she “means the world to” him and also, that he is “falling in love with” her.   Rachel beams, and they go in to meet sister Constance, Husband Alex, Mom Kathy, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Connie, and a cousin (Trixie??).  We are sad that her dad is not there, but understand because he is a federal judge (which let’s be honest, would only make it more awesome).

In answer to 20 questions about his family, First Peter reveals that his parents met when they were 20 and 21, respectively, and got engaged one month later.  They’ve been together now 36 years.  Oh! But even though First Peter understands how crazy that sounds and indeed, how it is equally crazy to be on this show, its as if he and RLind have known each other forever!

First Peter, continuing to hammer what he maybe should lay off of at this point, then proceeds to tell her family that he’s been super honest with her about where his head’s at, and describes how he realized he was falling in love – though he isn’t there yet.   While we respect his carefulness, at some point dude, you don’t need to keep reminding everyone you aren’t sure. 

In various 1:1s, both RLind and First Peter reveal that they don’t see red flags in each other yet.  Constance grills her sister about whether she’s been clear with the guys about how she wants marriage and kids (answer: yes), and First Peter tells Mom Kathy that he has developed strong feelings for Rachel but doesn’t want to ask for permission to propose until he’s certain she’s the one.  

So instead, he’s asking for permission to continue dating.  Mom Kathy agrees, provided that his approach to dating is a serious one, “as serious as being married” because that is what Rachel wants, and she wants him to be respectful of her daughter.

 We love mom Kathy. But this date ends with a feeling of slight lukewarmness towards First Peter.

Next up, Eric.  As they head out the door to meet Rachel’s family, Goose begins gently prying information from First Peter about whether First Peter asked for a blessing to propose.  First Peter finds Goose’s declaration that he’s going to make that request as “balsy” and somewhat offensive.  

Ooo.

Ok, so Eric.  Gentle readers, this Author is dying of the sleep deprivations at this part so we know there are some declarations of love and some honest reveals about his family, but we get distracted by the attractiveness of a power nap and an interesting article about Scaramucci’s departure from the administration. 

So we summarize:  Eric didn’t have a structured home life but craves that for himself.  He loves RLind because she challenges him.  He describes what he thinks marriage looks like as “commitment on all cylinders,” which we think is fair. People are concerned that he hasn’t been home to meet the family of a girlfriend in 6 or 7 years and also, that his longest relationship was 8 months. 

Mom tells the camera that Eric appears very honest and has a desire to get married and raise a family.  When he asks her for permission to propose, she politically responds that she trusts her daughter, so if her daughter selects Eric, then they have her blessing.  

We like Eric, but we reiterate that we don’t think he’s there yet.

Then date #3 is upon us, which is the day on which Goose gets to meet the family.  He is wearing his Switzerland watch and, when RLind shows up with hers, Eric finds special significance in match.  All we know is that we would let everyone down because we don’t change our jewelry ever and also, don’t wear a watch.  This is because our soul is that of a wet cat and not a lotus blossom.

And also, the jet lag.

So while THIS date is happening, First Peter reveals to Eric that he’s not a big fan of Goose.  “He’s got his Miami swagger, but in Miami there are a lot of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks, so what that swagger means I don’t know.”  Oooo, do we have a rivalry among the suitors? 

On Rachel’s date with Goose, she decides to take him to meet two friends, Marissa and Lauren, who are also her coworkers and who ALSO signed Rachel up for the bachelor years ago.  He reveals unto them his vital stats:  37 years old, chiropractor, schooling, he’s serious about RLind, and so forth. 

  Rachel reveals that she thought him a perfectly charming douchebag when they first met, but has since proven her wrong.

So, off we go to meet the family next.  He “expects” he will make a good impression on them, as he did on her friends.  Except when Goose says, “I love my mom, she is number one in my life always.” 

Constance, for All of Us, be like:

They don’t like that he throws the “love” word around so much.

Also this:

Mom Kathy:  “You mentioned that you were close to your mother.   In a marriage, when your wife and mother bump heads, where does the loyalty lies? “

Goose:  “Well, my loyalty lies with my wife.”

Mom Kathy:  “But if they can’t work it out, where does the loyalty lie?”

Him:  [Sigh].

Then when Goose says he felt like Rachel was his girlfriend after a week, Constance, again, be like:

Constance, like all of us, thinks Goose is a charmer.  “Direct and open, but is there sincerity behind it?” So her guard is all the way up. 

When Rachel gets pissy with her family about their grilling, Mom Kathy tries to explain that Rachel is in a bubble but they are not.  So, they need to ask these questions, based on what they see more objectively, to get to a level of comfort.  We love mom Kathy, as well as Alex the bro in law, who calls RLind out on getting emotional in response to fair points from her mom.

This goes on in a similar vein for awhile with various family members, but this author is sleepy so in the end, Goose gets the same response from mom Kathy:  she trusts her daughter, so if her daughter says C for continue, he has her blessing to do that.

Goose and RLind conclude, outside, that the day was a success.

 But we are not done because of course we are not.  Soon, we find ourselves jet setting off to La Rioja, Spain for the final overnight dates.  Rachel steps out of the limo in her espadrilles, excited that it is here, in La Rioja, that she will be proposed to for the “first time in my life.” 

For the first time, we want to shake her.   

So we see a meet-cute type thing with Goose and First Peter interacting with children in the street, before we cut straight to the date with Eric because he is the one she is most confused about.

This date involves a helicopter somewhere, and feeling feelings of love, and drinking wine at an old monastery.  She reveals that she loved his family, as did we (SHOUT OUT TO AUNT VERNA!).  He reveals that he loves her after they ring a bell three times to make their wishes come true.

He gets the fantasy suite card.  They get breakfast.

 Moving on.

Next up is the date with First Peter, exploring a vineyard.  Rachel reveals that First Peter “gets” her more than ANY OTHER PERSON on this “journey.”  That is because he is the one, Rachel.  He is. The. One. 

Soon the owner of the vineyard comes out to give them a tour of the wine cellar.  We love this because he speaks no English to them, they speak no Spanish at all, and ABC provides no translator.  This does not stop the owner, or ABC from showing the owner, talk at length about his family, including his 57 year marriage to his wife, with whom he built the vineyard.  It also does not stop the owner from singing an entire song in Spanish and then giving a toast, before revealing that he has given them a wine cellar with their names on it.

But soon, the serious conversation starts.  RLind reveals that her family believes them to be a good balance for each other.  He reveals that he has a core belief that engagement is a direct reflection of marriage.  Therefore, if you get engaged, the only question is when you are getting married, not whether.  How does she feel about this?

We don’t know because ABC has interrupted the conversation with the highly staged intervention of a 2 year old girl, the apparent granddaughter of the winery owner.  Who invites them to step on grapes.  Which leads to passionate kissing that is not gross, and minimal conversation.

But at dinner it resumes.  Basically, First Peter doesn’t want to propose unless a marriage, in his mind, is certain.  But Rachel feels differently about engagement.  She feels like its just a proposal to cultivate a relationship.  The way she describes it sounds like Duggar style courting. 

“If we want each other in the end, someone has to bend on this,” she declares.

And then both of them say they don’t know where to go from here, and this is an impasse, and a crisis, and now for the first time Rachel feels like she doesn’t see a future with First Peter. 

Really?  REALLY PEOPLE?

Let’s break this down:  This dude is saying he is totally committed, but might not be prepared to be engaged in 9 weeks.  Meanwhile, Rachel is rigidly holding onto the time frame allotted because she wants that golden ticket (engagement) at the prescribed time. 

And this is an impasse?

Girl.

We at the BNU will let Constance speak for us:

Alas we must wait until next week, which is really this week because this Author is still playing catch up, to find out if this “ends things” between them.   

To sleep now. 

-KLo