Dolton Part 1: The Seventh Circle

Possibly the most painful part of this show is that it is preceded by Family Feud on our local network.  How Prescient.   At any rate, behold This Author:  Sysyphus.  Preparing ourselves to roll the rock up the hill that is the Bachelor for another season.  

We are beginning with The Tortures because ABC has taken our least favorite episode (the first), turned it into our least favorite format (the “viewing party”), and made it three hours long.  We feel the stabby pain behind our eyes as a bunch of women and a few token men stream into the Fonda Theater behind Chris Harrison making virginity jokes and saying that we are about to see something we have never (a) seen or (b) done before at least three times.

It gets worse:  One of the new things they have “never” done before (except all those times in prior seasons) is simultaneously broadcast from satellite viewing parties all across “Bachelor Nation,” with former “favorite contestants” as hosts.  Oh. My. God.  There is Tiny Dancer and YoJo in Dallas, Texas.  In Park City Utah, it’s Ashley Kardashian and Just Jared.  Aaaaaand, in the swinging city of Lansing, Michigan, we are at the home of Brittany –N- David with Blake and our beloved, Jason, from season Other Becca. 

Jason thinks he is providing color commentary at a college football game:  “this is freaking PANDAMONIUM!” he yells from Brittney-N-David’s living room.  “There is no place I would rather be than right here, cheering on my main man, Colton!” Also, “It’s a real rager!!” 

We, too, are having a “rager” with our mini-wine.

And then we gasp because we see The Dolt’s new promo picture, clearly taken when he had to pee:

Also, what is happening here:

As we consider Colton’s apparent club foot, Coach Krystal and DC Mike, who everyone is now calling Goose for some reason, are thrust upon us.  They are in a hot tub and WHEN DID THEY GET ENGAGED and also, WHY IS THE HOT TUB IN A PARKING LOT??  Apparently, there is going to be a “viewing party” in the parking lot hot tub as well.   Women in swimsuits are lining up in freezing cold to join the “fun.”

Jesus, take the wheel.

After some discussion with superfans and painful interludes with former contestants,  ABC gives us the obligatory mini-story about some of the 30 women who will be vying for our Bachelor this season, none of whom we will remember until episode 5:

First we meet Cassie, a speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, CA.  The main takeaway here is that she is 23.  So  . . .   she just graduated college, has been in her first job for six months, and probably is still in that long slow period of starvation before the point where she realizes truly no one will cook for her on a regular basis if she does not learn to do it herself.

Next, we meet Hannah, a Miss Alabama, which “makes me a queen here!”  We hate her for that comment and for trying to make “I’m a hot mess!” a selling point.    

Then there is Katie, a 26 year old medical sales rep who reportedly moved to LA because she ‘wanted to dance.”  Her dancing video is like this Author doing physics:  nope.  But she does have very nice muscles.

 Fourth:  Heather, age 23, profession:  “Never Been Kissed.”

Onyeka, who is Nigerian. We like her except every sentence ends on a question.

Nicole, a social media something or other from Miami.  Latina.  25.

Kirpa, a 26 year old dental hygienist who hopes Colton flosses.

Demi, a 23 year old interior designer who still lives with dad and step mom.  Gentle readers, her mom is in prison for fraud.  Also, Demi feels that one must try all the cupcakes to decide what you want and also, that she’s the “damn confetti cake.”

No she isn’t.  She is the canopy over this Author’s first grade dream bed:

But before we go further, we are ripped back to Brittney –N—David’s house, where Brittney is trying not to “scream and cry at the same time” with excitement at having her suburban home overrun by drunk bachelor fans. 

This is not dissimilar to how This Author felt on New Years Eve, except it was trying not to poop “fruits de mer” and vomit at the same time.    

Like Brittney, This Author’s success was variable.

Babies, at this point we feel compelled to point out that it is 8:40 p.m. and we still have not actually begun the show.  Instead, we see Dolton.  He is 26.  He is shirtless. He is excited to be the first virgin bachelor.  He grew up in a conservative environment. (What?!? NO!?!).  He got lost in football.  But he was in love before (purportedly with Other Becca), before he got The Big Dump.

 But back to useless filler:  ABC’s “most popular bachelor couples” and their children.  They trot out Trista and Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly Who Will Not Age Well, the Dentist and JP, various others who met on spin off shows, and then reveal that Ari and Other Lauren are pregnant.  Meh.

Chris Harrison has now buzzed back to the hot tub where he is asking Coach Krystal if SHE is pregnant.  Because he has apparently never read the side of a hot tub before, vis: don’t sit in a hot tub for hours on end if you are pregnant.  Headdesk.

After some guy proposes to his girlfriend at the Utah viewing party, we finally are ready to, you know, View.   We see Colton standing before the Bachelor Mansion, and limos begin to roll out, carrying:

1. Demi.  Oh right, not only is she 23 but she is also an “interior designer.”  She informs Colton that she “has not dated a virgin since I was 12.”  He blinks.   We also blink, as that is pretty sad.  Demi tells the camera that she loves that Colton is a “big teddybear that makes me feel like a ‘little tiny baby.’”  OMG.

2. Tayshia, a Phlebotomist.  Age 28.  She “doesn’t know much about Colton but the one thing I know is that he has a big heart.”  Really?   That’s the ONE THING you know about him after Chris Harrison’s incessant virginity jokes? 

3. Heather, profession Never Been Kissed.

4. Nicole, the Latina Social Media Coordinator.  Blessedly normal.

5. Miss North Carolina (Caelynn).  She wears her ribbon.  Which also says “Mrs Underwood” on the other side.  KMN.

6. Sydney, an NBA dancer who probably has no personality but is legitimately gorgeous in an “I will kill you with my fork” kind of way.

7. Elyse, a 31 year old makeup artist.  Considering that she is 5 years older than Colton and he is apparently interested in infants, she is toast.

8. Tahzjuan.  25.  We have nothing.

9.  Cassie, the speech pathologist with a box of dead butterflies she drops on the floor.  Oh wait, they were not real.  Colton keeps one.  Tell me about the lambs, Clarice.

10. Kirpa the Dental Hygienist.

11. Caitlyn, a real estate whatsit who pops a balloon and tells Colton that she “popped his cherry.”  Ok, she needs to go.

12. Courtney.  Age 23.  We don’t know.

13. Katie, a medical sales rep who “takes” Colton’s “V Card” in a card game.  OMG.  We are starting to wonder if Colton is a virgin.  We aren’t really sure, but it seems like a lot of signs are pointing that way.

14. A sloth.   Or really, a woman named Alex who over-commits to being a sloth, both walking and delivering her introduction over two sides of an ad break.
              Colton:  “Oh boy, this is going to take forever.”
              Nicole:  “I am taking this so seriously and here is a sloth.”

15. Onyeka.

16.  Somebody McNut.  Erika?  She gives him some nuts.

18. Miss Alabama.  Ohhhhh SNAP.   Miss North Carolina gives the sizing up bitch face.  Miss Alabama, meanwhile, is worried because she “doesn’t want to feel competition in any way” coming into this, which Miss North Carolina apparently is because she was merely Miss USA.   We hate pageant girls with the fire of a thousand suns.

19.  Tracy a wardrobe stylist in . . . .a cop car because . . . she is the fashion police.

Nicole For All Of Us:  “Thank god the fashion police are here because I’ve never seen so  many sequins in all my life.”

20. Angelique.  Marketing?  28?  There are too many women.

21.  Devin, a broadcast journalist age 3.

22. Revian, a nurse who speaks Mandarin.

23.  Nina, a sales account manager whose first language is Croatian.  Colton, our intrepid Man Of the World, nervously assesses the women:  “That’s my third language. . . “

24.  Another Alex, Occupation Dog Rescuer.

25.  Bri, a model who pretends to have an Australian accent to “stand out.”  This should be fun.

26. Laura from Dallas who is wearing the same dress as some other girl.

27. Another Hannah, who brought Colton his “favorite brand of underwear,” which is an empty box because that would be none.  We don’t want to know these things.

28.  Annie, a financial assistant. 

29. Somebody who brought a photo of Colton’s dogs.  At this point, we have no idea what her name is.  Jane?

30.  Sherri Ann Cabot from Best In Show:

Her name is apparently Catherine, but really.  This Show has Given Us Life.

Sherri Ann’s dog is Lucy, and she gifts Lucy unto Colton for the duration of the show.  The only bright side all this is that it triggers the only real reaction of the night, where all of the other women express disappointment that they couldn’t bring their own dogs.

31. Last but not least -- and we're not quite sure how we ended up with 31 but oh well -- some lady named Erin shows up in a horse drawn carriage and leaves her shoe.  Profession:  Cinderella. 

              Erika McNut:  “Wow, I could have done a lot more than a bag of nuts.”

So there they are:  Our inmates in this asylum for the next several weeks.  But before we learn more, we are ripped by to viewing parties, where yet ANOTHER man proposes to his girlfriend.  This is starting to feel like a televised Reverend Moon mass wedding.

Back we go to Colton, who tells the Harrison that he thinks ALL the women are “confident,” which he finds attractive, and we lose the rest of this thread because we are laughing.

Colton is soon roaming from woman to woman like a hummingbird.  First Demi takes him away.  She reports, after their conversation, that it went well because Colton complimented her on her eyes and dress.  Meanwhile, McNutts is interrogating Colton about his virginity because that’s what you do when you meet someone for the first time.   But soon, Miss North Carolina has stolen Colton and is explaining that her favorite thing in all of her 23 years is to travel but she got dumped in Thailand.  This earns the first kiss of the evening. 

What?

The first impression rose comes out.  Squeals all around and the usual “Everyone is feeling stressed.  Especially those who have not gotten time.’  One day, this Author will prospectively write an episode of this show.

We go back to the viewing parties (*shakesfistatthesky*).  Tiny Dancer and YoJo are saying it’s so “hot” that some “girls” at their party are going to do a cheer and Verily, We Know We Are in the Seventh Circle of Hell:

Blah blah the NBA dancer (Sydney?) tries to teach Colton how to dance in a square to a string quartet.  Heather of Job Profession Have Never Been Kissed says he is “falling in love!”  And the make up artist (Elyse?) makes him go fishing in the pool. 

The last time This Author witnessed anything being fished out of the pool, it was a phantom dookie at the YWCA.

ANYWAY, Tayshia brings Colton to “Pony Land” and makes him give her a piggy back.  And the sloth finally unmasks herself, which leads to an unfortunate flurry of words where she reveals: “So my name is Alex.  I’m from Cape Cod. I have a mom, dad, brother who is the smartest guy in the world. I love, love, love my job as an account manager.  I Love animals. I love all animals. AALL Animals.” 

We wish she were a sloth again.

Meanwhile, Sherri Ann, who has clearly escaped from Real Housewives of Somewhere, feels that all the other women are beautiful statues without much substance and therefore she is going to make an impression:

SA:  Hiiiiiii.
Colton:  How are you?
SA [bump shimmy]:  I’m amAZeeng.

If this Author ever gave that answer to her husband, he would ask if something was wrong.

Mercifully, they get interrupted by some other women who wants to draw on shoes (for real).  This causes Sherri-Ann to use some flowers as cover while she takes a knife out of her tablecloth:

Oh snap, someone is going to get murdered.

Lo, for Sherri Ann of the Real Housewives was “drawn to” Colton and has never had to “fight for a man before” and she wants to be with him and “create this whole amazing lifestyle with him.”   So she removes Colton from shoe lady and showing the idiot that he is, Colton just goes with her without managing the situation.  

 Party foul, Colton.  Party. Foul.

Sooooo. .  Onyeka immediately pops up beside Sherrin Ann and Colton, draped in goggles and blowing a whistle. “I hear you are drowning in some bitches!  I am ready to save you!”  

HAHAHHAHA.

Sherri Ann is thwarted momentarily.  As she walks off, she definitely doesn’t know where the cameras are or anything:

Did we mention that her occupation is DJ?

In any event, Sherri Ann interrupts another woman, and Goggles (Onyeka) decides to “confront her” about her stealing ways.  We grow tired.  Goggles is trying to “keep it real” and Sherri Ann is swearing that she is the “least argumentative person ever.”  They hug it out and it is weird.   Then Sherri Ann steals Colton from a FOURTH woman and Colton STILL does not manage the situation.   This does not bode well for the season.

Meanwhile, Coach Crystal is having a dance party in the hot tub:

We imagine that this is our husband at his “conference” in Mexico.  We feel salty at ourselves for not going along.

Back we go to Ashley Kardashian’s viewing party, where some fan freaks out over Ben Moriarty Brady, and then like whiplash we return to the show, where Cassie the speech therapist is teaching Colton some sign language in a not gross way.

Colton next is explaining to some lady that his family has a lot of “strong independent women” and that he wants someone who “knows what she wants” and the tears.   

After a bunch more of these moments, Colton gives the first impression rose to . . . Hannah?  Who is this?  Oh . . . right.  It is the 23 year old strong independent woman whose hands he manfully held and instructed her, like his “momma taught me,” to take three deep breaths because she was nervous.    He then kisses her and THERE IS TONGUE and it is GROSS.

While this is happening, the other women declare that if Sherri Ann gets a rose, they will Lose All Their Shits. 

After a bunch more filler, including a sentimental look back at Chris Harrison and This Author’s SEVENTEEN YEARS watching this show, we get to the rose ceremony.  Colton picks:

1. Miss North Carolina (Caelynn)

2. Katie

3. Alex B (green dress, no idea)

4.  Hannah B

5.  Goggles (Onyeka)

6.  Caitlyn.

7. Someone named Annie?

8. Kirpa.

9.  Heather

10. Elise the makeup artist.

11. Tayshia.

12. Courtney

13. Cassie the speech therapist.

14.  Demi.  OMG NO.  She is all “I will happily accept your rose.”

15.  Nina.  Who is this?

16. McNut.

17.  Sidney the NBA dancer.

18.  Bri – the model that faked an accent

19.  Angelique

20. Tracy

21. Nicole – YAY!

22. Sherri-Ann.

Cinderalla and a lot of other women who can’t believe what just happened stumble home in broad daylight.

Coming up this season:  A LOT of blonde hair, tears, and falling in love.  Stay tuned, babies.

- KLo