Other Becca Part 4: Return of the Kitty

Babies, we are in The Big City for work, and thus introduced our younger sister, ERo, to the Bachelorette last night.  Lo, for she has managed to avoid these 17 years.  Also, Other Becca feels like her journey to love is back on track.

We, however, feel stuck in a time warp because we are still at the same rose ceremony that began las week.  OB is having 1:1 time with the Cowboy, Blake.  Who tells her that he wants 3 to FIVE kids.  Run, Forest.  They feel that I is an amazing coincidence that they both like “boy’s” names for “girls.”  He asked her, out of the 3-5 kids, what she wants to name “the” girl and we laugh.  Also, the answer is “Stevie.”

Meanwhile, Puddy is continuing to be a gift to All and Sundry:
Puddy A:  “I talk to god every day, and people who go against me just end up hurt sometimes.” (re: Chicken Man).
Puddy B: “The thing is that I don’t need all the time in the world.  I could spend 5 minutes with Becca this evening and make the biggest impact I’ve made with her yet.”
Puddy C:  “I’m wearing a shirt without a tie, yet the collar is angled for a tie, but I’m not wearing a tie.  So it really shows Becca that I could go either way here.”

For God knows what reason, Other Becca gives Puddy some gold shorts from the local Rocky Horror store.
Puddy:  “I think Other Becca may have my groin on her mind, and maybe she thinks it’s worth gold.”

Suddenly, Chicken Man appears from the hospital.   He still has his little wrist band on under his suit, which is ridiculous.  Dear Chicken Man, you did not go to the state fair or a rave, nor are you Living Strong.  Take the damn thing off.   But he doesn’t.  Instead he proceeds to leverage his banged up face for sympathy points with Other Becca.  Puddy is unimpressed:

Puddy:  “I am one of the best looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think I am the BEST looking guy in the house.   I mean, Chicken Man looks like a Picasso.  The clock’s over here, and the beach is over there.”

ERo:  “He was doing so well until he got the wrong artist.”

Other Becca ultimately gives Chicken Man a rose during 1:1 time so that he does not have to stand through the ceremony.  Puddy looks like Darla from This Author’s middle school right before she came into  This Author’s sixth grade classroom to fight SLampley, ripping the feathered earring out of SLampley’s ear and smattering blood across a group of wide eyed six graders:  

Finally, it is the rose ceremony that did not happen last week.  Puddy is “pretty confident in my ability to get a rose.  I beat out male models all the time for jobs.  And hey, if I can do that, I can beat these guys.”

Other Becca does a little speech, which includes some statement about “riding the wave,” and we don’t hear the rest because ERo has started laughing.  Joining Chicken Man and  DC Mike (who got a rose last week) to continue our “journey” will be:

1. Jason
2. Carlisle Cullen, who appears on screen for the first time this episode.

“WHAT” – ERo.
“HOLY JESUS.”  - KLo.

ERo: “Does he wax his chest?” [we pause to scrutinize] followed by, “Let me get you a Fat Tire.”

Carlisle:  “Going into the rose ceremony with a track suit on is a bit of a risk but you know, it’s time to lay it all on the line.” 

WHAT WHAT WHAT does a track suit put on the line that is not otherwise on the line, German exchange student circa 1995?

As this Author is now being comforted by An Adult Beverage, Other Becca continues:
Wills
3. Carlisle Cullen (Who says the “only thing that will make this track suit look better is a rose”).  OR A BONFIRE.
4. The Globe Trotter
5. Lincoln
6. he Cowboy.
7. Garrett
8. Kenny G
9. John
       Puddy:  “The guys she is picking are so different from me.”  And yet, somehow, this makes him confident that he will be picked.  So confident, in fact, that he will “not even look at the skillet” when making his scrambled eggs in the morning.
10. Conner

11. Puddy.   THE F --

12. Jean Blanc

WOW.  Manbun mike goes home, as does Ryan the banjo player who we loved and was our only hope.  While we knew he would get the axe because they never gave him air time, we are still sad.

Other Becca toasts and says that the rest of the episode will be spent in “America’s most exclusive wonder land:  Park City, Utah.”  And BAM just like that, here we are in Utah and she is telling us that some of the guys left standing “exude qualities” she wants in a partner.

First up?  A 1:1 date with Garrett.  She jumps onto him like a monkey and announces that they are going to do some shopping on this date.  So basically this date is This Author’s Version of Hell.

Blah blah they go to an Alpaca shop to try on hats, bear slippers, night shirts, and pretend like they have more energy than this Author ever had in a store at age 27.  Other Becca announces that she has “butterflies” around Garrett.  They drink some weird juice stuff at some other coffee shop, and other Becca tells Garrett that Park City reminds her of home.  He agrees that it reminds him of home as well and we are confused because we thought he was from Las Vegas.

Other Becca feels that Garrett makes her ‘heart warm’ and we start to worry. We also start to worry when she takes him on a ski lift to go bobsledding.  This Author would literally Ship Our Pants if we had to go bobsledding.  Like, there would be a skid mark all the way down that track.

In any event, we meet 2006 US Olympians Valerie and Shawna, who are also married and also have kids. This feels a little awkward on a show that basically fuels itself on gender norms and stereotypes, but perhaps next season will feature an LGBTQ scenario.  Love is love.

More interestingly:
Other Becca:  “What happens if we don’t obey your instructions.”
Shawna:  “Death.”
Shawna is now Our Favorite Person.

As Other Becca and Garrett take off down the track to the Russian variation from the Nutcracker.  We start having ballet flashbacks.

ERo:  “This is unnecessary Tchaikovsky”
Other Becca:  “Bobsledding is just like this journey!”
This Author:  [Takes a Drink]

But now Other Becca and Garrett are kissing on a mountain ON THE KITTY.

ERo:  “That’s one bedraggled lookin’ cat.”

Yet the date is STILL not over because we have to go to the “Big Moose” for dinner.  We learn that Other Becca feels “secure with” Garrett and can “trust him completely.”  And she says “you remind me of my dad.”  OMG.   Because he is “so into the outdoors and nature.” 

Author:  “55 more minutes of this show.”
ERo:  “But not 55 minutes of this guy, so it’s got to get better.”
Author:  “Better is a big word.”
ERo:  So the free fall off the cliff will continue.
Garrett: I was in love once.  I was 23 YEARS OLD.  We had adventures.  I got married.  And divorced.  I fell in love with the WRONG PERSON. 

Babies, when this author was 23, we were dating a drummer who lived in his parents’ basement.  Just . . . No.

So we get bits of this conversation, in which Other Becca concludes that it Garrett’s continued years long relationship with his (now) ex-wife despite alleged verbal abuse from her is a GOOD THING because it showed that he is “loyal and committed.”

ERo:  “What? Sweetie, NO.”                                                                                                                                          

He gets the rose, and the date ends with them kissing and dancing in front of a screaming crowd at a concert by some dude named Granger Smith who looks exactly like Manbun Mike with a hat on.
Garrett, formerly married man: “this is the FIRST TIME I’ve felt this kind of love between two people.”   

While all of this is happening, we learn that Lincoln thinks the world is flat.   For real.  Also, people sail around it without falling off because of “friction and gravity.”  When the men push him on this, Lincoln suggests that if anyone knows an astrophysicist who can give him a call, he would be happy to talk it over with them.

ERo (knitting):  ‘if this show makes me mess up my pattern where all I have to do is count to 3, I’m going to be really mad.”

Also, This Author, god help her, hangs out with a literal gaggle of astrophysicists and wonders which one ABC is going to trot out on their Men Tell All to explain science to Lincoln.

The next date card comes and it is for 1,000 people.  Ok, maybe just 13:  Puddy.  DC Mike, Blake, Carlisle Cullens, John, Lincoln, Kenny G, who built this city on Rock And Roll:

Also coming are Chicken Man, Connor, the Globe Trotter, Colton, and Jean Blanc.  

OOOOOO Wills is going on a 1:1 date.

But first, off we go to this enormous group.  Kenny G: “13 guys on one date?  We are all ready for WAR.”   We secretly hope so because it is a LUMBERJACK COMPETITION.

We (All of Us) LOVE a lumberjack competition, which we used to obsessively watch on television when we were younger. As did, apparently, Other Becca.  Midwestern Ladies, Unite.

Blah blah we see them practice splitting logs, some more successfully than others.    And then there is an axe throwing competition, in which Other Becca somehow hits the bulls eye.   We secretly love Jason, who makes a comment about all the “juiced up guys” in the house walking around all top-heavy and announces that he is “scared shitless” to do this competition.  And then it begins.

 Kenny G:  “I’ve been hoping for the men to be separated from the boys for a long time in this house, and now finally it may happen.”

Ero & This Author:  HAHAHHA

This competition goes by quickly because we were drinking A Fat Tire and not typing.  The Blue Team Wins.  At the cocktail party that follows, Other Becca is wearing a dress cut down to her navel.  We see her take 1:1 time with Jason, who tells Other Becca that he is nervous because he cares about her, and also, that she is stunning.  Jason, you are now our only hope.  

ERo:  “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.”

“ERo:  “It’s like the where’s waldo of this show.”

But before we can dwell, we are off to 1:1 time with Colton.  Meh.  And then 1:1 time with Puddy, during which he takes off his pants to show the gold underpants, kisses her, and dances his way into the other room.  Colton, proving he is a dead bore, gets his own shorts in a twist and tries to “confront” Puddy about being there for the wrong reasons. They squabble and we are tired.

Then this weird thing happens with Jean Blanc.  First, he gives Other Becca a fragrance that he made especially for her, called “Becca Blanc,” and gives her a kiss.  But Other Becca, to the camera, is questioning whether Jean Blanc is doing this because he’s actually interested, or because he feels like it’s time to kiss her, etc.   So then Jean Blanc gets interrupted by Kenny G, but he comes back a few minutes later and gives her this big speech that he is falling in love with her.

What?

Other Becca, Rightfully: “This is very intense and a lot to take in, and I don’t know if I ‘m on the same page.  I don’t think it’s fair to keep you around if we are on different wave lengths, so let me walk you out.”
Jean Blanc:   “So, what about the gift?”
Other Becca: “Um, do you want it back?”
Jean Blanc:  “No.  I mean, when I told you all that stuff, it’s not exactly where I’m AT.  I thought it was just what you wanted to hear.”
Other Becca:  “Wait, so what you just said isn’t true?  You thought I just wanted to hear it?”
Him:  “Absolutely not.”
Her:  “This feels really off.”

Um, YEAH. 

So she kicks him to the curb, and comes back to tell the men that if anyone else wants to waste her time with insincerity, they should just go home now.  And also, she is not handing out a rose tonight.  Ooo.

Off we go to the final date, with Wills.  She feels teary and emotionally exhausted.  ERo opines that if Wills is smart, he will just let her enjoy whatever they do, and not press his suit too much.

 And basically that is exactly what Wills does and WE LOVE HIM.  Also, he is a graphic designer so maybe he could fix this show in ways that make ABe less crazy.

Other Becca and Wills snowmobile up a mountain.  He is all protective and kind, and he lets her talk.  He comments that some people just lose sight of why they are here, she tells him that he is a stand up guy, and all of a sudden we are at dinner.  We are mad at the Garrett date for taking up so much time on this episode that we don’t get to see much Wills.

But at dinner, we learn that he had his heart broken by his girlfriend of three years, who wanted a hall pass to sleep with anyone she wanted, and then who he discovered with another man at their anniversary place. Other Becca talks about Ari, and asks about Wills’ fears.  He says he has a fear of “not being enough,” and that it won’t be reciprocated.

HE GETS THE ROSE.  They kiss up against a fake stone wall.

And now it is Rose Ceremony Day #2 in this episode, except Other Becca does not want a cocktail party, so we are going straight to the ceremony. Thus, joining Wills and Garrett with roses are:

1. Kenny G
2. Colton
3.  The Cowboy
4. Jason
5. Conner
6. Lincoln
7. John
8. DC Mike
9. Chicken Man, aaaand
10. Puddy.

Puddy’s mind is “blown” because he was “last place” and he is “like a sponge.  And you can get everything out of me.  But not know how hard you tried to do it.”  What?

Globe Trotter and Carlisle Cullen Go Home.  We all knew it was time for the lawyer to leave. 

Next week:  VEGAS, BABIES.

-KLo