AriE Parts 10 & 11: End Times

Babies, we all know what happens on this show because the Internet Of Things Has Told Us (and probably all of you), but let’s pretend a little while. 

This Author cannot be bothered with such things as Television Shows During the Week, so we turn on the television Monday 5 minutes too late.  Our viewing partner via text, BMa, nonetheless reassures us that we did not miss much; lo for Orange Lauren is basically saying she is nervous to meet AriE’s family.   Oh that’s right, this is the part where AriE brings each contestant home to meet the fam. 

We are distracted by our rage because Orange Lauren is wearing leggings as pants. 

Pantsless, Orange Lauren confesses to AriE’s dad that she is worried things won’t work out again, you know, like with her other fiancé.  Orange Lauren then confesses to AriE’s mom, whom we forgive for her pink frosted lips in light of her kind heart, that she is “not used to talking about feelings.”  Then this happens:

AriE’s sister: “You could not actually talk to some of the women you previously dated and so, can you actually talk to Orange Lauren?”
AriE:  “Good question.” OMG.

 Somehow, she manages to impress them. 

Now it’s Other Becca’s turn. We hide under a blanket as Other Becca and AriE tell their “love story” to the family, complete with when they wanted to – but didn’t! – say their “I love you’s.”  In 1:1 time with mom, AriE tells mom that he feels “solid, and like a team” with Other Becca whereas “with Orange Lauren I feel like I’m always trying to hold hands and reassure.”  Meanwhile, in 1:1 time between Other Becca and Dad, Dad tells her “either way, I’m fine with it,” meaning whether he pics 

Other Becca or Orange Lauren.

Other Becca:  “Well.  That wasn’t fun to hear.” 

Other Becca starts to cry a little (to the camera) because people keep asking her about Orange Lauren.  We feel bad for her, even though we hate her leather wedgy bootlets without socks.  But oooo, The Family concludes that AriE needs to be with Other Becca because he “needs a kick in the pants sometimes.”  Babies.   BABIES.  

We jump back to Chris Harrison, who is live watching the recording of the finale with a live studio audience.  He claps his hands together with glee and says, “WELL!  AriE can’t seem to decide which woman he loves more!”  We hate him.

Suddenly, he springs Caroline The Proclaimer on us, who in her 30 seconds of airtime fixes her hairy eyeball on our covered ones and whispers in a penetrating voice:  “What He Did was Unforgiveable.”   Thank you, Caroline.

But back to Chris Harrison, who brightly advises us all: “AriE is in a very bad place right now. Let’s find out if he made the biggest mistake of his life!” 

And SWOOSH, ABC takes us to Sacred Valley, Peru, where AriE is wearing our mother’s quilted jacket. 

Even worse, Orange Lauren is wearing a tiny white top, Leggings Which Once Again Are Not Pants, and Our Sister SHa’s Junior High jeans jacket.  The only thing missing is the bedazzled theater faces pin.   This is apparently appropriate attire to go to Machu Picchu on their own private train.

Sorry but we cannot get over the leggings.

AriE:  “I feel so lucky.”
Orange Lauren:  “Wow!”
AriE:  “You take my breath away.”
Orange Lauren:  “This is so neat!”
AriE: “This is so cool!”
Orange Lauren:  “Wow!”

This Author:  “That is a pretty extreme thigh gap.”
BMa:  “We noticed that last week but felt inappropriate to mention.”

As this date progresses to dinner, AriE says he keeps “talking himself out of a future with Orange Lauren” while Orange Lauren is “excited and not scared at all” and wants to “throw all my feelings out there and tell him how much I love him.” We grow tired because this revelation and plan take place on pretty much every date. 

While we muse why every woman needs to “lay it on the line” at the end of the date, BMa whispers across the miles:  “Orange Lauren’s sweater looks like a foreskin.”

This date concludes with everyone professing their undying love to everyone else and End Scene.   Oh, but not before Orange Lauren describes their ideal weekend together as “doing normal couple stuff” like hanging at the park, and AriE is delighted because it is “exactly how I envisioned it!” And also, he wants to have kids right away.

“You can drive my golf cart any time,” says Orange Lauren. OMG.

BAM we switch back to the Live Viewing Audience, where Sienne and Young B are on the sofa with Chris Harrison.  Sienne predicts “a lot of heartbreak.” And Young B says that if AriE is as conflicted as he claims, a proposal is the wrong thing to do.

This Author wants a snack.  But we made poor life choices yesterday and so now we can’t.  We regretfully nibble a fingernail and return to this slow motion train wreck.

ArIE is on his Dance For Your Life date with Other Becca and it is raining.  They wander around Peru and try on sweaters that we are pretty sure are exactly like the Irresponsibly Joyous sweater purchased by this Author in Nepal that Equally Joyously smelled like Yak.

“Let’s go pet these llamas,” AriE says. 

And the Alpaca (not Llama), for All Of Us Everywhere, is all:

This date is the same as with Orange Lauren, except that Other Becca worries that Orange Lauren is pretty much exactly what AriE has gone for in the past and therefore, may be what he goes for again.  Somewhere, we hear Caroline The Proclaimer cackle, and we shiver.  Anyway, this date basically proceeds as follows:

Other Becca:  “We could talk all night.”
AriE:  “I love that.”
Other Becca: “I made you a scrap book.”
AriE:  “I love that.”
Other Becca:  “I feel so close to you.”
AriE: “I love that.”

Also, he says he loves her too, and tells the camera he is in love with two women.  We cry horseshit.

But wait, here’s Chris Harrison again, with Peter Brady and Big Daddy.  WOW,  is that choice in poor taste (if you recall, gentle readers, Big Daddy picked Molly Who Will Not Age Well after dumping the woman he chose at the end of the show).  Big Daddy is like “dude, you gotta be you.”  Meh.

At last, it is the final Rose Ceremony Day! Everyone is drinking coffee!  And staring out the window!  Other Becca dons black lace and Orange Lauren turns herself into a literal lampshade by dressing herself in some kind of fringy white ensemble.

Suddenly ARiE is choosing a ring from Neil Lane and the heat turns on in our house and it smells like bacon.  Did we mention we want a snack?  A bacon snack.

But ABC is bouncing back and forth between the two cars with the two women and we are all atwitter wondering who will get out first until we scan the “live viewing audience” and discovery EVIL NICK in the house.  

BMa:  “I forget who he ended up with.”
This Author:  “We boycotted that season because he is a whore.”
AriE (interrupting both of us): “well this is going to be really terrible when I break up with this woman.” 

And the first woman out of the limo is . . . Orange Lauren.   Chris Harrison walks her down and this is going to be terrible.   This Author is hiding under a blanket as Orange Lauren talks on and on about their “trust” and “honesty” and “love.”

BMa:  “Stop Orange Lauren stop!  Read his face!”

But she doesn’t stop.  Instead she keeps going on and on about how AriE is the man she’s been looking for her whole life until he finally stops her and says there is “something holding me back and I can’t go through with it.” And therefore, The Big Dump occurs.

Orange Lauren, dumb-founded, is ushered towards the car where she asks AriE, “Uh, so why did you do that?”

AriE:  “I didn’t know what I was going to do until this morning.”
This Author, At A Pitch Heard Only By Dogs:  “OMG HE DID NOT KNOW UNTIL LIKE TWO HOURS AGO?”
BMa:  “Here comes the ugly cry.”

Chris Harrison:  “Wow.  So did he make a mistake?  We’ll find out later when we watch the first completely unedited television scene in bachelor history.”

This Author needs a bacon snack NOW.

But instead of bacon, we get Other Becca in sneaky mesh that looks like fleshes.  She is ready to start her life with AriE!  She is so happy!  She is ready to “do this [damn] thing!”  AND HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO PROPOSE AND THIS IS TERRIBLE.

Him: “when are we going to start having babies?”
Her” tonight.”

Did that just happen?

Chris Harrison, with unholy glee: “Well, is this the end of the story? It sure doesn’t feel like it.”

And then we are into the third hour of Monday’s show, which is a video diary of AriE and other Becca happy together, and then less happy (on AriE’s end) as he says he cannot stop thinking about Orange Lauren.  And then even less happy when he decides to “call off the engagement.”  

But first he has to talk to Chris Harrison about his decision to call off the engagement before talking to Other Becca.  And also, film the entire thing.

Asshat.

So we watch.  We watch as AriE breaks Other Becca’s heart, and then won’t leave as she sobs on the sofa, repeatedly asking him to leave.  Of course he doesn’t because apparently he is the star of the show and we are all supposed to appreciate the fact that he completely ignores her wishes so that he could have more air time. 

Chris Harrison:  “I can only imagine, bachelor nation, what you’re going through right now.”

This Author: 

Chris Harrison: “[To maximize ABC’s shittiness and also my delight] we thought we would show you this with both cameras visible and running simultaneously.”

And it goes on and on with excruciating detail.  Eventually, ARiE leaves after revealing that he’s talked to Orange Lauren already.  But then he comes back in, and chases Other Becca down the hall, and tries to give her a shoulder rub (‘hey, are you ok?” –he asks this question and our brain explodes), and he is OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND.

This Author and BMa are both screaming at AriE to leave.  Other Becca is telling him to leave.  The viewing audience and also the Internet of Things is telling him to leave and finally, FINALLY he does for real. 

Somehow, Other Becca is a complete rock star through all of this, even though it’s pretty obvious she wants to do the ugly cry in the closet (and in fact attempts to do so with her mike off).

Chris Harrison, clapping his hands:   “To say this is trending and blowing up twitter is a gross understatement!!!” 

In this very moment, Chris Harrison is the leftover splatterjack belatedly discovered on the inside of the airport toilet after one has committed oneself to that stall.

So after like an hour of this, the camera cuts to the sofa beside Chris Splatterjack Harrison, and there sits Becca, stoic.  SO of course he asks “How hard is it to watch that back?” 

Really?  REALLY? 

Other Becca:  “I haven’t talked to AriE since that day and I have lots of feels.”

Chris Harrison, grinning:  “Well, you’re going to see AriE tomorrow, and Orange Lauren, because ABC gave us an extra two hours!  Isn’t that great!!”

We hate him.

So as you guessed it, there are two more hours of this stuff.

At this point, we are cutting to last night’s episode, because there is just no point in doing a separate blog.  And we are going to be brief, even though this episode was 2 hours long.

Caroline The Proclaimer is There, with daggers in her eyes:

We also have daggers as ABC replays the breakup we just watched a hot second ago.   And then we watch Becca travel home, in the airport, and then on a plane, and we hate that ABC did not even spring for a first class seat.  Instead, she gets stuck in a middle seat between dude with the neck pillow and other dude:

Meanwhile, AriE proclaims that “ NO ONE can really relate to what I’m going through.”

That’s right, Peter Pan man.  NO one in the entire world has ever ended a relationship or dumped someone for someone else, such as for example on national television *cough*BIgDaddy*cough*.

Which is why ABC brings him to talk to AriE.  Because that’s how low we have sunk.   He says, “don’t do this, unless you are 100% certain!”  Which apparently AriE is because ABC gifts unto us one of the more creative phallic images of recent vintage:

Still I rise, babies.  Still I rise.

AriE has flown back to Lauren’s parents’ house because “now, I really want to marry Lauren.”  And his biggest fear is not that he is making the wrong decision, but rather that it “doesn’t work out” and so he has “risked it all for nothing.”  That must make Orange Lauren, and also Other Becca, feel good.

At any rate, Orange Lauren runs into his arms.  She knows AriE ditched Other Becca because he hedged his bets and told her before coming to tell her he loves her.  So now he’s all “It’s been the hardest 6 weeks ever.”  Poor snowflake.  They talk and we don’t pay attention because we are angry and we know they get together anyway, especially when Orange Lauren says, “you have me, duh!”

You know what this Author doesn’t have?  Bacon.

Meanwhile, in Minneapolis, Other Becca is back at her apartment, reading her journal and crying.  That is basically This Author processing every major life change, so we aren’t going to throw stones.  

Before we take this shit show Up To Eleven, we see some Fan Favorites, including Young B:

Just . . . .no.

Also, Tia is taking a break from playing trumpet in a Mariachi band to also be here in person:

They all agree that AriE is just saying whatever he needs to say to get what he wants out of the woman in front of him, but also, that there was no problem with them showing the break up on television.  We are pretty sure they were paid to say that second part.

We further learn:

1.  AriE reached out to Orange Lauren via Social Media basically the same day AriE Part 1 aired.   

2. All of AriE’s comments about not knowing what Orange Lauren was going to do were inaccurate because he had already spoken to her and gotten reassurance before dumping Other Becca.

C.  Young B hopes that Orange Lauren “gets out of that as soon as possible. “   TRUTH.

Oh look, and now here is Other Becca.  When This Author was a child, we were gifted with a gold lame scarf that we thought was The Most Beautiful And Sophisticated Item that ever existed.  We would periodically drape it upon us to dance around our bedroom to Mame and also, A Touch Of Honey (records from our elderly neighbors).  But mostly, it sat in a drawer, Too Beautiful To Wear, until we lost it one day.

Well, we found it again:

We also learn that this entire experience has been “hard” for Other Becca, which has to be the biggest understatement ever.  But, it was just another part of her “story.”  Uh oh.  And further, there is a lot of fan love for her.  Double uh oh.

Next up: Other Becca has to come face to face with AriE.  For television. He arrives to very tepid golf claps.  Other Becca is basically awesome, and AriE is basically a dork, and the other women are cringing to hear him fall on his sword.

But we are not done because Big Daddy and his wife, Molly Who Will Not Age Well, have taken the stage and are like “um, dude, you should have broken up privately.”  And also “get away from this thing and work on your life together.”

Gah, and then AriE is back.  MAKE HIM GO AWAY.  But he doesn’t.  Instead, Orange Lauren comes out (Young B is now crying for her friend).  Next up for the ‘happy couple” is a vacation, followed by Orange Lauren moving to Arizona.  But first, he has to propose to Orange Lauren on television because he is a dick.

Young B, for All of Us:

Chris Harrison is like “gee, I did not see that coming!” even though he said, at the very beginning of the episode, that AriE would get engaged tonight before he caught himself.

And then:  Crisis.  The Bachelorette is starting this spring.  And it is Other Becca.  We don’t know if we are less excited that this is on again in like three months, or that Other Becca is the bachelorette.  

We may survive so long as she doesn’t say anything about doing any damn thing.

The other Part AriE Pledges rush the stage, and we get an eyeful from Tia:

This dress is like the cover of Odelay.

We love Odelay.  We hate this dress.

And then Other Becca just said “do the damn thing” and we are officially out.

Except five men come out who are going to be on the next season.  AND OUR FRIEND LNo VAGUELY KNOWS ONE OF THEM IT IS 2 DEGREES OF SEPARATION BABIES.

A.  Lincoln, with the accent.  And also, is spazzing out and also, needs to get off the stage. Except he calls AriE a “wanker” and is therefore our new best friend.

B. Chase.  Toothy.  Hopes to be the “open door” for her.  Meh.

C.  Oh no, a singer.  We would basically fall for him if we were 27 years old.  His name is Ryan.  He plays the banjo, and this is terrible.  

D.  Darius.  Excited for the journey, etc.

E. Blake, a dude with a horse named Bradley.  Whom Other Becca jumps onto in her gold lame dress, and we are off to the races.   Well, in May!!

-Peace,  

KLo