AriE Part 4: Flawless

So apparently Ari has an “e” in his name.  AriE.  We would know these things if we were not watching with one eyeball but sorry Gentle Readers, we are.   But let’s all forget about spelling because we’re beginning our Around The World trippage in the exotic, the multicultural . . .Lake Tahoe, Nevada.  

But first we have to hear Coach Krystal talk about how she is, like, “really proud of AriE for sending Lauren homephweeee because he’s a man who knows what he wantsphfweeee! And a lot of these women are living in a false reality and can’t see what he wants, so I will be that voice of reason and realityphfwweeee.”

Jesus Mary and Joseph.

But Chris Harrison has told us to pack our bags and so pack we must.  AriEphfweeee is super excited to be out in nature (as he overlooks a golf course).  Equally excited is Kendall, who probably wants to kill all of the nature and put it up on her wall.

The first date card is for Sienne: “Let’s let our love soar.”  Almost immediately, AriE shows up and whisks her away in a giant truck with giant wheels.

This Author once worked In The Wilds of Michigan.  Our first week on the job, we were Assigned A Mission to obtain worms from the local video store/pizza place/tanning bed/bait shop.  Babies, we had to take the truck.  A type of vehicle which this Author had never before driven in her then 22 years and also, which was A Little Finicky and ALSO which This Author could not touch the pedals of without sitting on two phone books.  Of course, we got completely lost, asked all sorts of people on a peninsula how to get off the peninsula (like there were so many choices), never found the worms, and were relegated to “Last Resort After the 85 Year Old Volunteer With the Fanny Pack” for truck usage thereafter.   It was a Trying Time.

But Sienne does not seem so phased. AriE drives that terrifying truck to the water, floats Sienne up in the air with a parasail as Sienne makes sixth grade girl analogies like “our relationship is like parasailing” and we love her but GURL. 

By contrast, we do not love Coach Krystal:  “Sooooo, Sienne is going on a date today, which means she’s probably going home and that makes me happyfweeeeee.”

Basically, this date is Sienne being way too good and cerebral for AriE.  She asks if he invited her because he liked her or because she was Toast, and he claims the former.  She describes watching her parents go through a difficult time in their marriage, observes that there are not that many love stories told about black and brown people in the U.S., and wonders if this is someone else’s (read:  a white person’s) fairy tale, rather than hers.  You are too good for this show, Sienne.  AriE asks zero questions of her but answers all of hers, we nearly see his plumber’s crack when they kiss, and he gives her the rose.  

This date ends with some dancing to that song by some band named Lanco – you know, the song that sounds like a bunch of other songs by Kid Rock though not being by Kid Rock.  Meh.

Back at the Lady House Ranch, Maquillage has gotten a phone call.  Lo, it is her mother, who has told Maquillage that her grandfather has died.  Maquillage is heartbroken and immediately packs up to leave (good girl).  But, because this seems important, I’m going to one thing:  Maquillage is 23 years old.  So, let’s just put a pin in that one for a tick.

As Maquillage is making a hasty exit, a knock on the door comes.  Lo, it is a group date for everyone except Young Becca.  We think this means Mother, Coach Krystal, Caroline, Marikh, Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk, Jacqueline, Twitter, Tia, Kendall, Orange Lauren, and Brittany but we aren’t really sure because there are Still Too Many and Women Appear to Keep Showing Up.  “Will our Love Survive?” asks the Card. 

We are pretty sure it won’t.  But Young B is over the moon excited because this means she gets the 1:1.  Coach Krystal is pouty:  “I’m not sure why Young B got the 1:1 because there is 14 year age difference and she is definitely searching for an identity still.” 

This Author thinks Young Becca knows more about herself than Coach Krystal and also, most of the women there.  Further, we would just like to note that there are many, many women In The Running between the age of 22 and 25 and we are not quite sure why an 11 year age difference is less material than a 14 year age difference at this particular Stage Of Life.  But Whatever.

Off we go to the group date.  Which is a hike towards a Retired Green Beret And His Wife Ruth. 
Ruth:  “It can seem like its very romantic to be with your man in the woods, but there are a lot of black bears out here.”

Babies, this Tiny Hiker loves us a wilderness vacation.  But sometimes, on such vacations, it is possible to find oneself hiking 14 miles with one’s husband in 95 degree shadeless heat through a sea of shoulder-high wild raspberries and steamy pile after steamy pile of fresh bear dookies.  Hypothetically.  And in such situations one *Might* continuously sing “76 TROMBONES LED THE BIG PARADE . . . YIP YIP YIPYIP [clap clap clap clap]” for all 14 miles, leading to a bruising of hands and a hoarsening of voice.  Again, hypothetically.

But the ladies encounter no such poops that we know of.  Instead, The Beret makes them pee in jugs and nearly attempt to drink their own urine.  “Ha ha it’s APPLEJUICE,” says AriE, which is almost exactly like eating chocolate pudding out of a diaper at a baby shower and we are not amused.   

“Gandhi used to drink his own pee but yeah, I’m not Gandhi,” says Marikh.

This Author does not tell Marikh that her nickname through high school was Gandhi.  Not because we were wise or drank our own pee, but mainly because we were an emaciated ballet dancer in a sheet and thick glasses hiking a sand dune one day and our friend LGi rightfully noted A Comparison. 

So they eat worms, and then maggots and various other bugs, and Kendall is loving every minute of it as the other women dry heave.  Coach Krystal is becoming brittle(r):  “There’s 12 of us, but none of them are compatible with AriEphweeee except meeeeee.  He knows what I have to offer and that I am secure.” 

We grow tired, but then perk up again when the Green Beret gives them all hiking packs, maps, and compasses, and tells the women to split into two groups and find their way to shelter. 

This is not dissimilar to the one time This Author, Her Husband, an In Law Siblings nearly died hiking up and then down a mountain, followed by fording a bazillion rivers in our car, followed by nearly running out of gas, followed by driving straight into a swamp beside a lava field at 11 pm at night, causing Marital Strife Among Everyone Involved and also, Losing Our Front License Plate. 

 We love vacations In The Wilds. 

So we are Vaguely Amused as we watch AriE solicitously help each woman in his group over a tiny log.   Coach Krystal, who could probably snap AriE’s neck between her thighs, lays it on thick:  “Oh thank you, so stroooongpfweeeeee!!” she breathes and we hate her.

As for the AriE-less group, Caroline sums it up:  “Yeah, I wouldn’t call us the Dream Team at this point.”  Duly noted, as Twitter plays with rocks, Marikh checks her hair in the compass, and others are trying to scale right up a huge rock.

Eventually everyone gets to “The Oasis,” which is basically a couple big hot tubs.  AriE makes the mistake of putting his arm around Coach Krystal, which then spurs Caroline to jokingly put her arm around Tia, creating An Affront to Coach Krystal Which We Will Not Hear Enough About for the remainder of this episode.

Coach Krystal:  “Like, I’m in the hot tub with like, AriEphwee and Tia and Caroline are like, making fun of me and it’s like, makie AriE feel uncomfortablepfweeeee.  It’s just so juvenile.”
CK again:  “It’s just, like, so juvenilepfweeee.”
CK AGAIN, in her only Moment of Truth:  “I feel like I’m at a high school camp and everyone wants the counselor.  And I’m almost 30.”  Yep.

At dinner, Coach Krystal has killed, skinned and is now wearing Grizabella from Cats:

And she is still talking about the hot tub:  “It was just so exhausting to watch.  I just hope that AriE sees through the bullshitphfwweeee.”

Also this:  “I need to talk to AriE.  I just don’t know what I’m going to say. But, I have feeling that whatever I do is going to be PERFECT.”

STABBY.  StabbystabbySTABBY.

AriE takes off with Orange Lauren, who is 25 YEARS OLD SO LET’S NOT THROW STONES AT YOUNG B [ahem].  ArIE and Orange Lauren have a very mature conversation:

OL:  “What are you looking for?”
AriE:  “An independent woman.” 
OL:  “Yeah, I want to have the kind of relationship that when we are super old and gross looking, we are still spanking each other’s butts and telling dirty jokes.”
AriE:  “I’d like that.”
AriE [to the camera]: “I’m very attracted to Orange Lauren.”

Blah Blah 1:1 happens with Kendall, who tries to be endearing but is only slightly creepy about her taxidermied duckling, which she apparently takes with her on trips.  His name is “Ping.”   This is not dissimilar to our Niecelet, who received Farmer Barbie for Christmas and promptly named the Bonus Chicken that comes with said Barbie by the name “Hei Hei.”  However, said Niecelet is six.   

But ooooo, the group date rose has made its appearance and now everyone is A-twitter.

Marikh:  “Oh, Kendall, I think you are going to get the rose.”
Kendall: “I’ve genuinely had so much fu. . . “
Coach Krystal (making friends):  “I FELT challenged being in such a LARGE group date.  Because, as you all know, I had the FIRST 1:1 date and then the last group date was only 8 people.”

We hate her. 

Coach Krystal, unphased by our hatred seething though the computer screen: “These girls are just being obnoxiously overbearing with their need to be seenphweeeee. It just brings you back to a juvenile state.  They don’t have a sense of self.”

But the hits keep on coming in 1:1 time between Coach Krystal and AriE:
AriE:  “How YOU doin?”
Coach Krystal:

“I feel like, a mix of emotions.  Like, I’m really happy, being herephfweeee.  And I’m so excited about our connection, but at the same timeeeeee, I feel like a target has been on my back since I got that 1:1 . . . .  “It just weighs on mephfweeeee.  I just feel like, . . . ostracized.”
AriE:  “What’s going on?” 
CK:  “Well, since you put YOUR ARM AROUND ME IN THE HOT TUB, and like, Tia and Caroline… . I just think they feel threatened.”
AriE:   “Well, of course, it’s because you are beautiful.”
Her: “Mmm-hmmmm

CK again: “I just really believe in coming from a place of love, and like, pouring that into people and that’s why it hurts that this is happening and I’m just so emotional ohmygodisTiaapproachingus?AriEsend heraway.”

AND HE DOES.

This author is screaming. 

Coach Krystal to the camera: “I don’t know how I’m going to get through . . . the elimination of all these women.”  

So now she’s taken Tia and Caroline aside and expressing how she feels that Caroline putting her arm around Tia was “an attack on me” and that it was “so hard” for her “after getting that first 1:1.”  Tia warns her not to try to play “a victim” with her and we all cheer.  And then we cheer harder when Tia tells her, “really dude? When people are doing better than you, you just break down.”  And then we STAND UP FOR A VICTORY LAP as Tia walks away.

Tia, for all of the wins.  And also, she gets the group date rose.

Thank the merciful heavens for Young B, who gets the last date:  “I’m looking for a stable relationship,” says the Card.  Yes, it is horseback riding.

We are delighted for this date, but ABC doesn’t let us off without one last Word of Wisdom from Coach Krystal, who we see telling Mother and Marikh:  “I’m really proud of overcoming all those challenges from yesterday.  I mean, it’s really a challenge to show AriE who I am, while also not being intimidating to the other girls.  Because I come across as FLAWLESS.”

Thank god for Young B, who, despite being wrapped in a kitty, is basically fantastic.  She acknowledges the physical connection between them but also has a lively mind and likes “where our conversations go.” They ride off to a hot tub, she concludes that she genuinely likes him as a person, and off they go to dinner, when . . . .she reveals her age.

We see the brakes go off in AriE’s head.  And it is terrible because, despite her age,Young B is behaving with far more grace and maturity than most of the other women here.   AriE is immediately concerned that Young B is not ready to be married (globally in life), because he wasn’t ready at 22.  And actually, this is a very real conversation full of real emotion and we are a bit taken aback because it is, after all, happening on The Bachelor.

AriE:  “Well if at ANY POINT you feel like you just aren’t ready, you need to tell me.”
Young B:  “Stop looking to me to give you some kind of assurance, because you don’t get that in love.  And trust me, I want it too.  But that is not something we are going to get.”
AriE: “But I am SO ready to be married.”
Young B:  “Ok, then dump me and just go after the ones you think are a sure thing.”

He declines, gives her the rose, but decides to protect his heart from her on a go-forward basis because of her age.  We are glad, but also a little worried because Young B is way more awesome than these other ladies and for the love of god, if this dude can’t see it. 

And one hard edit later, we are at the rose ceremony.  Twitter, who we think is a little drunk, is once again “very excited.”  Coach Krystal is anxious, because she feels her “character was attacked.”  Oh right, because Caroline put her arm around Tia in the hot tub and we cannot believe this is happening.  As she takes it out on the other women by giving some random speech, Kendall, for all of us, speaks the truth of our hearts: “I feel like she is saying things that someone told her to say or that she read in a book, rather than something from the heart.”

BUT WAIT, for Chris Harrison has announced that AriE is certain in his mind as to who will go home, and so there is no need for a rose ceremony this evening.  Oooooo. 

As AriE steps forward to begin handing out roses, Coach Krystal asks to “borrow him for a second.”
“Oh Lord Have Mercy” says one woman (For All Of Us) and they all sit down on the stairs.

After Coach Krystal whispers to AriE that she wanted him to know “(1) she feels a connection with him, (2) she is not here to play games, and (3) she respects his decisions,” we are ready to proceed.

AriE picks, to join Sienne, Tia, and Young B with roses:  

1. Orange Lauren

2. Kendall

3. Ashley, the POC that never gets to talk

4. Other Bekah

5. Mother

6. Twitter (really?)

7. Jacqueline

8. Marikh

9.  Coach Krystal.  “Just as I predicted, AriE picked me,” she says.

NOOOO. Caroline and Brittney go home, both of whom are very classy about it.

Stay tuned for next week a/k/a Monday, when Coach Krystal tells us that she has been drinking all day.  What could possibly go wrong.

-KLo