Ari Part 2: Pizza Hut

Well Gentle Readers, it’s looking like The Weekend BNU Is Going to Be a “Thing” from here on out.  Further, as Ari expresses concern as to how he can possibly narrow down this smorgasbord of teeth and leg before him, ABC shows us a Bird of Prey and we conclude that sounds about right.

But wait – there’s more.  Lo, for the sun is up, and so the day drinking has begun.  As the women toast “cheers to falling in love you guys!!” and also, to Our Hero’s “hypnotic eyes,” Ari is getting on a motorcycle to drive and now there is screaming and Chris Harrison is introducing the first date card. Mother Chelsea, in some kind of tablecloth cut down to her navel, tells the camera that she can’t “wait” to tell him the reason he thinks she is “mysterious.” 

Mother Chelsea is about as mysterious as a cold sore.   News flash:  Lipstick it up and it’s still janky underneath. 

Anyhow, the card reads:  “Hold Tight. . .. Ari.”  And it is for Bekah.  We get excited until we realize it is not Young Bekah, and then spend the next few minutes trying to remember who Other Bekah is.  Right.  The one that looks like Michelle Shocked. 

Crisis.  We love Michelle Shocked with the Fire of a Thousand Suns.  We don’t know if we can name a contestant after her, as that would be A Sacred Honor Not Befitting This Show. 

So anyway, Counterfeit Michelle Shocked confesses to Ari that she has never been on a motorcycle before.  This causes him to zip up her jacket and put her helmet on for her because apparently, she also cannot do those things.  Then they zoom off.  “We’re not in Kansas anymore,” CMS says in an “I’m game for anything! Look how relaxed and hip I am!” kind of way and we feel a little sad for her.

Back at the house, we see Mother Chelsea’s whole outfit.  It is not a tablecloth.  It is a jumper MADE of tablecloth.  This outfit needs to be taken out back and shot.  But Mother Chelsea is really longing to be on a motorcycle because she misses all the *touch* that occurs when one is riding with one’s beloved.  This is not dissimilar to the Terrible Romance This Author Read in Law School, which featured A Scene of Passion on the back of a motorcycle going through a car wash.  

Don’t overthink it.

Coach Krystal adds some color commentary:  “My dad was in a really bad motorcycle accident.  And I’ve seen a lot of people killed, injured, and who have lost body parts because of motorcycles.  So if I were on that date, I’d take Ari aside and explain that to him before I got on.”

Crickets.

And also, HAHAHHHAHAHA.

Mystery POC for the win:  “Well . . . it’s good that you aren’t on the date, then.”

The rest of this date is like Pretty Woman.  Ari takes CMS to a fancy house with lobster and champagne and also, Rachel Zoe who is wearing sequins and provides a series of outfits involving an equal number of sequins for CMS to try on.  Her favorite dress is one that looks like cheap beads of mercury.  

On bended knee, Ari opens a chest of pirate treasure.  Damn, no, it is just some Louboutins.  CMS appropriately squeals and soon they are sitting by the water, discussing how when Ari first met CMS, he knew “it would be cool to spoil” her.  REALLY?  Right, because she “reminds him of him.” 

As this meaningful conversation progresses, a beefy guy stalks up with a briefcase and says:  “Neil Lane sends his regards.”  We get a little interested as the suitcase clicks open, hoping that Neil has finally Lost All of His Shits and sent along a Weapon To Be Assembled but no, it is just some earrings.  Ari puts them on CMS.

CMS, feeling special:   “Have you done this before?”
Ari:  “Yes.”
CMS:  “Oh.’
Ari: “For my mom.”

Kissing ensues, followed by CMS returning to the Lady House with bags and bags of things because Ari gifted unto her every single dress she tried on, in addition to the mercury bead situation.  Bibiana, A Greek Chorus giving voice to the innermost thoughts of most women there, says: “She looks so happy.  And I know material things don’t mean a thing, but those shoes were so pretty.”

Back on the date, Ari gives CMS a diamond necklace and tells her that “aside from racing, I do a lot of automotive stuff.” 
“Yeah, I was told you could fix my breaks,” says CMS.

“But I also do real estate.  And you made my heart smile when you got out of the limo.” Responds Ari.

So CMS reveals that her most serious relationship last 7 years and got her through her dad dying of brain cancer.  That is horrible, but also, she is 27 so do the math.  This date ends with a shower of confetti as CMS gets the rose and they kiss, which is not gross.  Meh.  CMS is nice enough, but clearly uncomfortable and trying too hard to look cool.

Back at Lady House, the next date card has come.  It is for Coach Krystal.  “Home Is Where The Heart Is.”

Coach Krystal is all [breathless whoopee cushion pfweeeeee]: “I feel so lucky and excited but I don’t want to gloat in front of the other girls.

Other girls Be Like:

One hard edit later and Coach Krystal is sashaying out from around the corner, dressed up in a reverse dickey for her date.  Like a magazine model, she flashes a smile at the camera and we hate her.

Ari is taking Coach Krystal to the airport.  As she exits the limo onto the red carpet rolled up to a waiting plane, she’s all:  [Pfweeeeee] “Hiiiiiii.”
Ari:  “I am taking you to Scottsdale to see how my life is.”
Coach Krystal:  [Pfweeeeeeee] “eee!!”  “Oh my goooooossssh.!”  “I’m so smitten. Smitten as a kittenpfwweeeeee.”

That’s a tired line, Coach Krystal.
We start to wonder exactly how stupid she is.

Ari: “I picked you for this date because you are so comforting.”

We start to wonder exactly how stupid HE is.

Anyway, we see Scottsdale, AZ, including the pizza hut where Ari worked when he was 16, the willow trees under which he had his first kiss, and his high school.  We also see his house.

When This Author was only two years younger than Our Hero, our living room possessed a sum total of the following furniture:  (a) a broken papasan chair, (b) a cardboard box, and (c) a lamp on the floor.  Our bed consisted of a futon and our guest bed was another futon.  We did not, in fact, get grown up furniture until, for Certain Areas, this very past year.

 Ari’s home is not This Author’s home.  He has prints hanging on the wall.  He has real life sofas.  His bedroom has a duvet which matches and is In No Way Similar to what this Author affectionately calls “The Pelts” covering her bed.

In this very moment, we feel 12 years old. 

But wait there’s more.  We see home movies of Ari, including the most spectacular mom jeans (on his mother) ever created:

Soon we are off to meet HIS PARENTS in their gated community.  Oh right right right.  Here is his mother, who basically looks like an older version of Coach Krystal and suddenly it all makes sense and also, we are a little worried.  We also meet his brother and sister in law, who just got married.  

Coach Krystal: “SOpfweeeeooooo, how did you two meeeet?”
Dad: “We knew each other from growing up in the same community.”
Mom: “Marriage is work, coach krystal.”

So they go to dinner and Coach Krystal has literally forgotten pants.  Words and images cannot express what is happening here, with a dress *soshort* that we see bottom and also, the front of her hip. 

We start the nervous sweats.

Coach Krystal to the camera:  “I’m not close to my family, which I need to talk about with Ari.”
Coach Krystal to Ari:  “I kinda grew up in a . . . less traditional sense. My dad was no part of my life [the very dad that was in the motorcycle accident that so scarred Coach Krystal she would lecture Ari before getting on a motorcycle].  My mom was around but not emotionally available.  When I was 9 or 10, I saved all my money to buy a blanket for myself. I grew up caring for my little brother, who is homeless.”

This Author:  “Ari, this girl is damaged.”
Ari:  “I can see you are loving and open.”
Coach Krystal: “You can seeeee thatpfweeee!!”

As we scream NOOOO, Ari is taking Coach Krystal Behind The Candlelabra as some dude sings:

Coach Krystal raises her arms to dance with him and as we flinch,  ABC mercifully cuts away from the bottoms of her “dress.” She gets the rose and all manner of kisses which are pretty gross.

Meanwhile, the third date card has come to Lady House.  As someone bangs on the door, Bibiana/Greek Chorus speaks for All Of Us: “That literally sounds like The Haunting.”

So this is a group date card and all you need to know is that it is for all the remaining women except four.  Who are those four?  Don’t know.  But the more interesting part about this is that Krystal has decided not to say anything about her date.  “we just went to Scottsdale and just . . . hung out, says she.   Bibiana The Chorus:  “It’s fine if you don’t want to open up, but when you are like that, you seem shady.”

The group date is a demolition derby.  We are amazed by how little clothing Young Bekah is wearing but somehow it works for her and also, if we had known about The Downhill Slide when we were That Young we would have worn a bikini every day too.

Tia from Arkansas, eyeing the cars, says: “This is some redneck shit.  People in Arkansas really do this.  So, I really have to represent.”

We like Tia despite ourselves.

But before we can appreciate all of this, The Mask Lady from Ari Part 1 is crying because when she was a child, she was trapped in a bumper car as other bumper cars kept hitting her.  ABC treats us to a Slo-Mo Reenactment (We are not making this up).

Jenny the Graphic Designer, for All of Us:  “I didn’t know that bumper car trauma is a thing!”  And also, “Yeah . . . so that’s not going to stop me from hitting her car.”

After Ari comforts Mask Lady, the “Bashelor” (see what ABC did there?) Demolition Derby begins.  

Ari advises us, “You want to hit people in reverse because all the vitals are up front,” and somehow we feel that this is a Life Lesson.   At any rate, Bibiana – who has just told us that she “doesn’t even have a license!!” – is all “move it b*tches!” And Brittany the POC is just running over everybody.  Yet in the end, it comes down to Arkansas Tia and Sienne the POC.  We secretly love Sienne, who wins in the end and says her dad would be proud.

So now it is the cocktail party, and we don’t really care. 

In the first five seconds, Mother Chelsea “steals” Ari in order to reveal that she is a mother, and Ari reveals that he lived with a single mom with two kids for 1.5 years.   Mother Chelsea, a walking non sequitur, says she was glad to see Ari “strong in that moment” with her.  When Mother tries to justify her Theft of Wang to the other women, someone shuts her down:  “Yo, we all gave up stuff to be here. That doesn’t justify you being rude.”    

We actually don’t care because we’ve discovered that one of the women is wearing lace and also,  no clothes including over a very bare and substantial midriff.   

So last week this Author had a problem with her pants.  We were walking from the parking garage to the office, weighed down with Things That Age Us and Make Us Cry, also known as Work Items, when we felt them start to go (the pants, not the Work Items).  And so began our long, slow Walk Of Shame across the atrium, in which we could only pray that the bottom of our pants would not shimmy below the bottom of our winter coat before we reached the elevator.

Behold This Author:  

 So basically, we have a moment of feeling like “Celebrities! They Are Just Like Us!” Only when Unknown Midriff Lady Small Screen Celebrity does it, it looks like the former.  And when it happens to us, it is the unspeakable tragedy that is the later.

But we digress.  Back at the party, ABC gets a lot of mileage out of Bibiana being really stoked to talk to Ari and doing absolutely nothing about it, and then becoming increasingly agitated because she hasn’t gotten to talk to Ari.  We also learn that Brittany gave herself whiplash at the demolition derby, and therefore is not at the cocktail party.   We further observe that there are a lot of women wearing shoe laces as tops at this party, which is Deeply Confusing to this Author.

Of note, there is crazy chemistry between Ari and Young Bekah.

Of further note, Sienna the POC is awesome.  She’s all “Yeah, I went to a huge public high school and then Yale for college.  I studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. I really appreciated those opportunities.”

Ari:  “Wow, I barely graduated high school and worked at pizza hut.”

Yup, about sums up this show.  And also, all opportunities for women. 

Because we don’t have enough cocktail parties, we next discover ourselves at the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party.  Some woman thinks that the “stakes feel higher.”  Young Bekah is wearing THE KITTY, for which we forgive her except we become anxious as she and Ari make out through most of their 1:1 time.  Oh right, Young Bekah = the archetypical “we have chemistry but do we have more” on this show.  Damn.  Well hopefully she’ll stick around.

The big story here is that Bibiana wants 1:1 time and Coach Krystal, wearing red shoe laces for a top, has lost her damn mind.  Krystal has a rose.  But first she cuts in on one of the Laurens to steal Ari away. 

Coach Krystal“Pfweeee hey baby!!!” Oooooo, did you miss me?”

Ari: “How are things at the house?”
Coach Krystal:  “yesterday, I was just thinking about how great things were, and how fun our date was!”
Coach Krystal to the camera: “I’m so smitten. .  a smitten kitten.

THIS AUTHOR IS STABBY.

Finally, Bibiana gets some 1:1 time with Ari.  BUT WAIT, because here is Coach Krystal lurking in the doorway once again. 

Coach Krystal to Ari: “I only had a minute and I just couldn’t imagine going into the rose ceremony without spending time with you and feeling our connection.”

Really?  REALLY?

Bibiana goes for the jugular.  When Coach Krystal comes back with a story about how she only interrupted Bibiana’s time to “check on” BIBIANA, Bibiana is like, “Girl, I really think that you have a lot of balls.  When you learn to speak to me like a human being and not in a fake tone, then we can talk.  But if you really think that I’m going to fall for this [pfweeeee] ‘Lalalalalala LA’ you HAVE to be kidding me.’”

In the end, joining CMS, Coach Krystal and Sienne (who got the group date rose), and with roses:

1. Maquillage

2. Jacqueline Who Appears Not to Be Crazy

3. Young Bekah.  YAY!!

4. Twitter.

5. Mother.   NOOOOO.

6.  Lauren S.  The one that looks like Farrrah Fawcett.

7. Tia from Arkansas.

8.  The mask lady, Annaleise.

9.  Lauren B.  No idea.  Another blonde.

10.  Kendall of the Taxidermy.

11.  Brittney the POC who won the derby. 

12.  Ashley, another POC.  No idea who she is.

13.  Marique.  There HAS to be some plastic surgery happening there.  

14.  Caroline. 

15.  Aaaaaaaand. . . Bibiana.   (As Coach Krystal has a “look of gentle concern” on her face). 

So going home are. . . Jenny the graphic designer, a lady we think we liked but can’t remember (Valerie?), and a POC.  Jenny is crying and, as Ari tries to comfort her (wtf), she says a bunch of nonsense about having made "friends at the house" etc and then reveals the real reason for her tears as she walks from the house:  "I just got broken up with for THE FIRST TIME." 

Wha?  Babies, this is what happens when you put a bunch of super pretty young women with low standards in a room together. 

Next week (which is apparently tomorrow but will likely not be blogged until the weekend), there will be a lot of tears.  And  not all of them will be This Author's. 

-KLo