Ari Part 1: 88 Lines About 44 Women (Ish)

Babies.  We are in under the wire on this one, as we are FULL AWARE that the next episode of this train wreck starts on the Mondays.  But first we must inform you that we are under the influence of A Hot Toddy and so.

We meet Ari.  Or re-meet Ari.  We hate to admit that he seems reasonably attractive though without the requisite shirtless shower scene/shirtless running scene that typically is included in these “meet the bachelor” things we really can’t be sure.  At any rate, this is the “most important race of my life.” He says.  Oh right, he races cars.  And deals in real estate. 

We see Ari’s last sojourn on the bachelor five years prior, when Dolly Pemily gave him The Big Dump.  He says he was heartbroken.  HORNSWAGGLE say we.  He also says that no subsequent woman has filled the void.  We have no doubt they have been legion.

In any event, after being “pretty closed off” to love, Ari is ready to try again.  With a bunch of women who have clearly found the hot rollers. And also, the hair extensions.  AND ALSO, that one plastic surgeon.  Christ Jesus, this new computer and pixels and also, clarity.  This upgrade is not dissimilar to the time This Author was watching the Ballroom Dance competition on our 1982 sony and thought that A Lady Had Forgotten Her Pants but it only turned out that the Sony was too fuzzy to Reflect Such Fine Delicacies.  But we digress.

 Let’s meet some of the women Ari is about to meet, before we meet them again.  First up:  Chelsea:  a 29 year old single mom from Portland who is “comforted” by the fact that Dolly Pemily was a single mother back in the day.  We hate her, but more on that later.

Next up:  Caroline, a 26 year old realtor.  BUT WAIT.  She hasn’t even had her real estate license for a whole year yet but she’s sold $5 million in business. “So obviously, I am really good at my job.”  

We hate her.

Also, we meet Maquel, a photographer.  We secretly wish her name was Maquillage.  She has got a whooshy voice and stares longingly out at the water from under her hair. 

Behold, there is also a POC called Neesha.  She is a 30 year old nurse who loves adrenaline.  “Sometimes we get people with gunshot wounds.  LOVE. IT.  The more blood, the better for me,” says she. 

We have no words.

And then there is Tia, a 26 year old . .. something . . from Weiner, South Carolina, population 716.  She is physical therapist and also, likes to shoot some guns.  She is also friends with Raven from season Evil Nick.

Then there is Kendall, a 26 year old “creative director” from LA that collects taxidermy, has never been in a relationship for longer than a year, and also, can play the ukulele.  “taxidermy . . . on this journEY of loooove,” she croons. WTF.

But then STOP THE PRESSES because we meet Becah or Bekah or whatever her name is.  A nanny in LA who also rock climbs.  We love this person, whose age is undisclosed (uh oh) and looks 12.  

TEAM BECAH/BEKAH.

 To further the pain, we then meet Marique, a 27 year old who owns an Indian restaurant with her mom.  She is also a little pigeon toed in her high heels and “hopes Ari is ready for our spice.”

And then, Coach Krystal.  What to say here.  Coach Krystal is a 29 year old online health and fitness coach from Salt Lake City.  Who volunteers with the homeless because her brother is living on the street and not ready for help.  She has yet another whooshy wheezy voice and breathlessly exclaims that she is coming into this thing with the “guards off her heart.”  OH NO.  

This one time, we had a weeks long arbitration in The Big City.  As we were heading to diner with our colleagues, this tall, beautiful ethereal blonde turned the corner and waltzed past us and as we stared in admiration she turned to her friend and said:  [insert man voice]:  “So I says to the guy.”

Babies, This Author’s Voice would Be the Tranny Unto Ari’s Harem.  Truth.

But the fun doesn’t stop because now Ari is getting out of the limo and OMG he is “nervous” and “excited” and we are admiring his salt and pepper hair DAMMIT WHAT IS HAPPENING and he is declaring that he has Not Known Love since Dolly Pemily but It. Is. Time.

Thank god, because Limo #1 has rolled up and we are meeting (To the tune of a LOT of screaming and at least one “OMG, what a stud!!”)

1.    Caroline the realtor in a white dress who is all “hey.  You are a realtor and I am a realtor and maybe if we do this thing right we will both be off the market.” OMG.

2.  Chelsea the single mother.  Not a realtor but . . . an executive assistant to a realtor.  She tells Ari that there is “a lot to get to know” with a bump shimmy and we bite our thumbnail in nervousness.

3.  Kendall the creative director who loves taxidermy and we know she is toast because her dress is like a tacky version of the painting on a Grecian urn.

4.  Seinne, a 27 a real estate manager and also a POC.  Toast.

5.  Tia the physical therapist.  She gives him a little plastic weiner (we are not making this up) and asks ARI to “please tell me you do not already have a little weiner” and WE WANT TO DIE.

6. Bibiana – 30 executive assistant from Florida.  We think we may like her except (spoiler) she goes batshit at some point.

7.  Bri, a 25 year old sports reporter who is impressed because Ari catches a ball that she threw from 10 feet away (“Who’s the good boy?!?”).  She is now a sports reporter. 

8.  Jenny a graphic designer from Chicago (the Big City).  She is manic.

9. Brittane J – a 27 year old whatsit who puts a bumper sticker that says “nice butt” on Ari.  

10.  Jacqeline – a Research Coordinator from NYC (equally The Big City) who does not appear crazy.

11. OMG, Coach Krystal. We hate her and the huge ruffle situation on her backside.  She ooey gooey wheezes about how she likes to have people see their “best selves” and leads Ari through a breathing thingy and he’s like “wow” and we are (Every Damn One of Us):  NOOOO.

12. Neesha the orthopedic nurse who likes all of the blood.

13. Valeria – a server from Nashville in a yellow dress. 

Through all of this, Chelsea the mom is in the peanut gallery, making comments about how “the hair is down and the boobs are out.” And also, she is crazy.

Thank god for:

14.  Bekah the Nanny, who drives up in a 65 mustang and also has short hair AND ALSO we love her (All Of Us).  She announces that she “may be young” but that she can “appreciate something classic.”

15.  Next up, Jenna the spazz who announces that she makes her living on social media.  Her arms are going so many places as she speaks that we begin to wonder if she is not also signing her words in the spirit of interpretive dance.

16. Jessica the television host, who looks like Farrah Fawcett and gives Ari a “gratitude Rack” oops Rock.

17.  Marique, the Indian restaurant owner.

18.  Olivia – age 23 the marketing associate.  NOOO.

19. Another Becca/Bekah – this one a publicist in a black dress with The Deep Bosoms.  She gets him to fake propose with a “Rebecah Jill, are you ready to do this damn thing” as her meet cute.

20.  Lauren S, a social media manager. She has a ghooshy voice and is all blonde and blown out and we are exhausted. 

21. Lauren J – a “recent masters graduate,” age 33, who looks like Ivanka.  Too old, toast.

22.  Lauren B – A Tech Sales person.  In a lot of rhinestones.  AND

23.   Lauren G, a POC.

IT’S A LIMO OF LAURENS YOU GUYS.

24.   But we are not done, because now we meet Ashley, a 25 year old (you guessed it) Real Estate Agent. 

25. Brittany T – a 30 year old tech recruiter and POC who gives it the old college try in Dutch.

26.  Amber – a 29 year old owner of a SPRAY TAN COMPANY.  Romantically, Amber tells Ari that she sees a “lot of dick” in her job and so she hopes he isn’t one.

27.  And then there is Ali.  We don’t know what she does and it doesn’t matter because she makes him smell her armpit as a “pit stop” and Bibiana, for all of us, is like  “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.”

28.  Annaliese, 29 year old event planner.  In a mask.  Who has a nervous laugh and calls herself the kissing bandit.  We hate her.

29. Aaaaand, Maquel the photographer, who drives up in some kind of race car and then (in the words of Brittany) “Whips her head back and forth” as she takes off her helmet, revealing long lush extensions exactly like everyone else’s long, lush extensions. 

Blah blah let us sum up the remainder of this Most Hated Episode. 

A.    No one can believe that Ari still has hair and someone says something innane about men looking only better as they age. Gurl, you obviously don't work at a law firm.

B. Ari thinks its going to be a good night

C.  If This Author hears one more woman talk about how Ari is perfect, puts them at east, or is mature and knows what he wants, WE WILL START CUTTING.

Chelsea the Mom makes an early move, somehow convincing Ari that she is mysterious instead of just a giant asshole.  She reveals to Ari that she just got her real estate license (good lord) while criticizing everyone else to everyone else. We Hate her.  But we love Becah/Bekah the nanny for impersonating her.

More to the point, Jacqueline Who Does Not Appear Crazy is using her 1:1 time to ask some rational questions like “why did you come back here???” To which Ari responds, “I was a boy then.  But now I’m a MAN.”  Undeterred, Our Girl Jacqueline is like “Yo, but it didn’t work for you in real life, whereas you say it worked for you in this process? What’ sup with that?”  We love Jacqueline.

In between discussions amongst the POCs on interracial dating, the women are rationalizing what is happening: “I mean, if you can find love on Tinder, you can find love here.”  That’s the spirit!

But Brittney who spoke dutch steals a march on all the other women by racing Ari in kiddie size cars, with the prize of a kiss at the end if she wins.  Of course he helps her win.  And then the following happens;

[To him]:  “You’re a good kisser.”
[To us]:  He has the softest [bleep] lips.  Like clouds.  Like pillows. 

Like this:

Suddenly, Chelsea the single mom is all “I feel like my time got cut off and this is unfair” and “this momma means business” and we are just so tired of her already.  Momma needs to GO.

As taxidermy lady yodels on her ukulele, Becca the publicist is horrified that no one can use “beauty to their advantage” here in this cutthroat competition and we ask our husband to make us the first Hot Toddy of the Evening.  When we turn back around, some lady is feeding Ari pizza and another lady is whispering that “pineapple” is her “safe word.”

And then there is Jenna.  You know, the one that makes her living on social media. She’s like “I get lots of free stuff like makeup and ice cream” and her hands are going everywhere and she is giving him a PEDICURE and then she is on the sofa and then she is off the sofa and Ari is like “I don’t really know what she does nor what she is like but she’s crazy so I think I’ll keep her around.”  We shall call her Twitter.

But the hell is not over because not only do we need to listen to Anneliese the “kissing bandit’ explain that she had not passion in her last relationship but now we are stuck with Krystal the Fitness Coach who has lost her damn mind because The First Impression Rose Has Come Out And NO ONE Can Stop Talking About it. 

Krystal finally gets time with Ari 1:1:

Ari:  “Tell me about yourself.”
Krystal:  “Well, I’m a Libra!!”
Ari:  “You have the Most Soothing Voice.” ["like a damn whoopy cushion" whispers this viewer].

But Pfwweeeeee  as Coach Krystal is speaking, another woman steels Ari away and leave Krystal alone on the couch.  Where she sits like this BY HERSELF:

And then finally leaves like this, ALSO BY HERSELF:

It's like she has NO IDEA she is on television.

Suddenly Chelsea the single mom is like “I need a second chance” and steals Ari for yet MORE time, where she creepily tells him that she is “here for him” and “can’t wait for what this brings us” and THEN goes in for a giant kiss WITH THE TONGUES AND WE ARE SCREAMING.

“Do not vomit on this bed,” orders our husband.

Now there is a giant discussion about the Meaning and Risk of the First Impression Rose and also, Chelsea the Mom’s Betrayal at Going to See Ari Twice.   This is interrupted only by Tia from Arkansas, who tells Ari she is a “clown” and also, Napoleon Dynamite, who drew this:

It's Ari.

In any event, like a balm for our traumatized souls, Bekah the Nanny and Ari sit outside and she asks him to name three things that make him excited to be alive.  He says adrenaline, pizza, and good company.  What a dude.  Bekah, by contrast, is all “mountains . . . the smell of pine trees.  Also, that feeling you get when you think you might like someone but don’t know if they like you and it’s all awkward.  And also, sitting in the back of this ’65 mustang.”

We hope to god that Bekah is going to get the first impression rose but NOOOOOOOOOO IT GOES TO CHEALSE THE SINGLE MOTHER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WTF.   

Seeing the humor in this for All Of Us, Bekah is like:

As Chelsea demurs under her cagey cagey lashes: “I’m not competitive by nature but when I see something I want . . .“ haahhahha

Coach Krystal wheezes out that she is “stung because Ari and I were just getting into A Moment and if we had been ALLOWED to go into that Moment, she wouldn’t have gotten the rose.”  We are pretty sure that Coach Krystal and this Viewer would Never Be Friends.

But thank the good lord, it’s all over.  Lo, for the sun is coming up and now Ari must pick the remaining 20 women who shall continue on this Journey With him (Plus Chelsea): And he picks:

1.   Bekah K (the one who got on bended knee)

2.  Marique the Indian restaurant lady.

3. Taxidermy lady.

4. Lauren G;  POC.  YEAH.

5. Coach Krystal.

6. The Only Bekah We Care About.  TEAM BEKAH.

7. Lauren S – who looks lie Farrah Fawcett.

8. Sienne – another POC.  WHAT WHAT

9. Caroline – the real estate lady

10.  Brittany T – who race cars and got the first kiss.

11. Bibiana – who about had a heart attack waiting.

12, Annaliese – the mask lady.

13. Twitter. 

14. Valerie the server from TN in the yellow dress.

15. Jacqueline, who Appears Not Crazy.

16.  Napoleon Dynamite (Jenny).

17. Lauren B – we don’t know her.

18.  Ashley – another POC.

19.  Tia – from Arkansas. 

20. Aaaaaand Maquillage

So eight got cut, including the tan shop owner, who is sobbing, and also, some other lady who is  equally sobbing.  We are just happy some of the Laurens got cut. 

And just like that, it ends with foreshadowing about this season:  Smoke, or is that fog?  Some horses.  Travel to Italy and Paris.  Some falling in love, and also, a lot of tears. 

And this:

HE BLESSED THE RAINS, DOWN IN AAAAAAAAFRICA, babies. 

Until next time, peace. 

- KLo.