BNU Fine ok FINE: Sexy Chopsticks Edition

Babies, we do not give two Cheryl's Cookies about The Bachelor any longer and are also heavily involved in some Work Items (Happy New Year to Us).  However, we will try to blog on a time delay this season, which may be this weekend because Work Items come first. 

In the meantime, here is a drunk blog of 50 Shades (movie 1), with spelling corrected.  You are Welcome.

Opening Credits:  Someone is playing Sexy Chopsticks. 

ABe:  "Jennifer Eile" is in this?  

She plays Elizabeth Bennet.  Traitor. And Danny Elfman did the music?  Traitors all.

We see the Grey House.  And Dakota whatsit with a ponytale.   She tells her sick friend more talking/less eating. She’s in the big city.  

ABe:  "Ok, how often do you find a parking spot right in front of the building?"

First Meeting with Grey: She falls.  She lost her pen. It is for the STUDENT NEWSPAPER.  For the love.

“You are very young to have amassed an empire.”  He says he’s always been good at people, and HARNESSING their efforts.  He says its smart business to be involved in African agriculture.   She says “I just wonder if your heart might be bigger than you let on.”  Hahahahah.   

He likes physical pursuits.  She asks him if he’s gay. 

Now he wants to know about her, and who made her fall in love with literature (three options, Austin, Bronte, Hardy). 

He’s like “we offer an excellent internship program.”  She says she doesn’t fit in here, “look at her,” and he is like “I AM.”   And then she runs out in the rain.

ABE:  “WHAT IS HAPPENING.  I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS.”

Back at the apartment, someone wants to know what he is like:  Smart, intense, polite.

ABE:  “Is it just me, or does it seem like the roommate is not so sick to have been unable to do this interview.  Her hair is totally blown out.  And she steals the sandwich while Anastasia looks at photos of him online.”

Some random dude shows up to tell Anna about his something at Portland playhouse.  BUT HE WANTS MORE.   And now mom is saying she can’ fly in for graduation because “Bob” broke his foot.  WHO IS BOB?

 And suddenly HE (GREY) shows up at the hardware store.  And asks for cable ties.  Maskng tape.   And ROPE.   Some hot guy asks her to help out back.  Ha cha cha.  BUT WTF if some guy wants this stuff, RUN, Forest RUN.

Except she gives him painters tape.  And then she wraps the rope around her elbow and he wants to know if she was a girl scout.

He’s like “what else do you recommend?”
And she’s all: “Coveralls to protect your clothes?”
Him: Or I could just take them off.”

Her:  “Ok, no clothes.”

Wtf.

Now photos of Grey.  And he asks her for coffee afterwards.  He wants to know if “Jose’ and Paul” from  the hardware store are friends.  She’s like “no, friends!” Also, is she romantic because she studies English Lit and Pfft.

She is about to hit by a bike WITH A BELL and he pulls her away and then rubs her cheek.  We want a bike with a bell.  We think back to MUnd from elementary school who was run over by a bike with a bell and also, had a tire track down his shirt when he came to our house.

 He’s all “I’m not the man for you.  You should steer clear of me.  I have to let you go.”  And she’s all tearful “goodbye mr. grey!”

Now they are dancing somewhere, and she drunk dials to say that she is going to send back books.   He orders her to go home, and then when she says no, and does this whole go away come here go away thing.  And then she refuses to tell him where she is.

ABe:  SHE HAS A FLIP PHONE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Now he says he’s coming to get her.  And then Jose tries to kiss her (WHO IS JOSE?) and then she says no and he pushes her away and then THEN she VOMITS ON HIS SHOES.  Our sister did that once to a date.  Then she faints (Anna, not sister) and wakes up at his hotel.

So then there are blue pills that say drink me and juice that says drink me and  this is what we are all warned about at frat parties and then he shows up all sweaty and wants to know how she is feeling.  “Better than I deserve” she says.  GURL.

Then he chastises her for not talking care of herself and THEN says that if she was his, she wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week. And that he can’t leave her.  And that he doesn’t DO romance.  His tastes are very “SINGULAR.”  She’s like “enlighten me.” 

This author is hiding under 20 Afghans at this point.

She comes out and he says she “looks beautiful” and has Taylor the driver pick her up at 7.  That he wants to bite her lip but won’t do until written consent. 

He says f*ck the paperwork.  GURL.   

Now Elliott (WHO IS ELLIOTT?) is making out with the roommate who confronts Anna and we are confused.    And THEN Anna walks out to Taylor the driver and into a helicopter for grey enterprises.  And HE is flying it.  He flies her to a Seattle, from Portland, and then puts her in a  private suite where he makes her sign an NDA.   She signs without reading.  And then wants to know if he is going to “make love to her.”  He’s like “I don’t make love.  I f*ck. Hard.”  And now, here is my playroom.

Her: “Like your xbox and stuff.”?
ABE:  HAHAHAHAHHAHA SNORT AHAHAHH.

Him:  “It’s important to know that you can leave at any time. The helicopter is on standby to take you wherever you want to go.”  And. . . she sees . . .

This Author:  “Juuuuuudas.”

Wips and chains and bondage etc.   She WANDERS IN BECAUSE IT IS JUST LIKE THE LIBRARY AND WE ARE JUST BROWSING.  WTF.  And then he tells her that he does this TO women who want him to. And he’s like “I’m a dominant.  I want you to willingly surrender yourself.”  

And Anna’s reward for all this is .  . . HIM.  

Abe: “Um. . . Not a good trade off.” 

There is a bit about her being a virgin and suddenly she is in the nudes and things are  happening and THERE IS A MIRROR.

Now he’s playing the piano because it is Twilight.

Now onto super awkward together bathing.  And also, HIS MOTHER appears.

Complicated history items about being submissive to mom’s friend since age 15 and also somehow this is ok and also he wants to make her feel comfortable but she should sign the contract RUN GURL.

Anna: “My computer is down.

Grey guy:  “I hope you say yes!”

Abe:  “He says that like a 15 years old.”

Now he is breaking into her home and helping himself to some alcohol and he is doing items with Ice Cubes to her and then things are happening In The Back Door and . . ..

Anna:  “That was really nice.”

This Author:  “WHAT THE FUTON.”

Further Contract negotiations.

“What is a butt plug,” asks Anna.

Abe: “Oh Jesus, Take The Wheel.”

Hanging from ropes is being discussed and now he wants to go on a date as a sweetener.  This is the Sister Wives Portion of the movie. She thinks he is “very kind.”

ABe:  “This is humiliating to watch as a woman.”

More contract negotiation and now we are meeting Anasatasia dad and why why why Grey is speaking at her graduation?  About SUPPORTING FARMS IN AGRICULTURE.  And also he knows what it is to be “PROFOUNDLY HUNGRY” and we hate him.

Spanking is happening because a car was purchased.

Anna’s Mom calls.  We are really sad that Elizabeth Bennett is on 50 Shades of Grey.

Some “play room stuff” and then he is carrying her and then they are dancing in the middle of the hotel and THEN dinner and then he is all mad because SHE is Changing HIM.

Mr. Grey: “The woman that gave birth to me was a prostitute and a crack whore.”
Mr. Grey:  “let’s go fly some crazy planes.”

ABE:  “This is not that much different from the bachelor.”

Now Elizabeth Bennett who is dead to us is giving advice to Anna in a sedan.   Choral Music plays as terrible things occur that are supposed to be High Romance.

Mr. Grey is now playing the piano again.

They fight about the “way he is.”

“You can change him, Anastasia!” says ABe.  “Just hang in there!”

Now he is “everything that” Anastasia wants and she’s all “I’ve fallen in love with you” and he’s all “You can’t love me” and then she tells him to leave.

We are exhausted.