Fifty Shades Darker Part Finale: This Show Is Dead To Us. Again.

 Yes, we know we are late to the party on this but we had no interest in killing ourselves watching a 3 hour live show that has been condensed to 2 hours on Hulu and also no one cares. 

As we settle in, we discover that ABC has done one, and exactly one, thing right this season with the Finale, which is getting rid of “After the Final Rose.”  It has replaced it with a wrong, however, called “making the Finale a Live Viewing Event.”

Out trots RLind, who is No Longer Our Hero, in a toilet paper tube of a dress.  She says everything we are thinking at this moment:

A.  “Why are you doing this to me?”
B.  “Can I leave?”

We also learn that Eric, Goose, and First Peter are also here backstage.  Frack.

With that, we are plunged back into the traumatic conversation with First Peter in Rioja, Spain as RLind claims from the sofa that she saw “cracks in the foundation” back in Geneva.  So here’s the deal:  Rachel was in a five year relationship that went nowhere while she thought it was heading to marriage. So she wants a proposal at the end of this, full stop.  First Peter says that he loves her but he’s not ready to ask for her hand in one week and doesn’t want to do that in his life more than once.   

They nearly break up (“I don’t want to break up, is that happening?”) because of this core belief of hers, which conflicts with her core desire to have an engagement at the end, and we want to drop kick her.  Again.

Girl. GIRL.  You can date someone for a period of time between 6 weeks and 5 years.  GURL.

 She gives him the fantasy suite card so that they can work things out.   She hopes she will have more clarity in the morning.  F------ck. 

We see nothing until the morning, when she says she is still confused.  F-----------------CK.

Off we go to a Vineyard with Goose, who is excited to “experience the day” with Goose.  This apparently means riding horses.  RLind takes the brown one because it “matches me” (hahaha), but our feelings sour as that leaves Goose the white one.  Babies, Goose is riding a fracking white horse to Rachel on this date.

The main point here is that Goose is super clear that he loves RLind and plans to propose.  But Goose notices that RLind isn’t all there on the date, making him feel awkward.  “First Peter messed with my head,” RLind explains to the camera.

The following happens in the audience break:

Chris Harrison:  “Were you about to break up with First Peter?”
RLind : “I was going to break up with him or give him the fantasy suite card.”
Chris Harrison: “This is amazing perspective!!!” 

Really?  REALLY?  She literally told First Peter the same thing five minutes earlier.

RLind goes to dinner and we nearly choke.  Lo, for she is wearing Dallas Level Shoulderpads.  What is happening with this dress?

It’s like shark fins.

Goose says all the right things.  He picks up on her being distracted earlier, which she likes because it makes her feel like he notices the little things.  And he tells her he’s All In.  They stand up to head to the Fantasy Suite and we get a view of the whole dress.

Holy. Jesus.  It’s like an Ice Skating Costume mated with Gables.

There is fringe.  FRINGE at the bottom.

As Goose leaves the suite in the morning, he declares their chemistry to be “hotter than ever.”  We aren’t super happy about him.

Then *PAFF* we are hit in the head again by this at the Rose Ceremony:

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.  RLind has a gladiator onion basket hanging off of each arm.  We cannot, cannot hate this dress more.  Also, as she walks away, we see that there is some kind of swimsuit looking body suit situation barely veiled underneath.  What. The Actual. F.

In a voice-over, RLind says Goose is the kind of guy she wants (confident, secure), and she has a connection with First Peter, but as she tells him looking straight in his eyes:  “I didn’t come here to date. I came here to get married.”

With that warning, she picks:

1.  Goose.

2.  First Peter.

Eric gets the axe.   She walks him to the bench, where she utters the dreaded “I love you but I’m not IN love with you,” Eric is all class, and the end.  We never thought we’d say this, but Team Eric for the Win.

Goose immediately steps forward to give RLind a hug as she comes back, while First Peter hangs awkwardly in the background.  During his subsequent hug, we hear First Peter to the camera: “I’m not ready to lose her, but why can’t I propose?  What is holding me back?”

ERMAGHERD.

So Eric comes on the live viewing show and tells RLind that she looks great, she says it back, and he says that she’s helped him evolve as a person, in a lot more words.  

Debbie Downer Harrison is like “So why did you say goodbye to Eric?” Which Forces RLind to say “I had to compare what I had with him, with others,” and so forth. Meh.

Back to the television, in which we watch RLind have her final date with Goose.  Goose, who is “as confident as ever” and has been “such as steady rock’ for her.  She compares this to First Peter, who she  “has had a strong relationship with” from the beginning and is still drawn too. First Peter is toast.

Goose and RLind meet in a field at dawn to the strings of violins and, as he says he cannot bear to be without her and that he loves her but one word from her will silence him forever, she says ‘well, then” and kisses his hand.  Oh wait, that is the latest incarnation of Pride and Prejudice.

In reality, they meet in a field at dawn to go on a hot air balloon ride with open flames and violence, and with Goose declaring that despite the beautiful scenery, all he can think about is “what is in front of him.”   At dinner, he says he’s All In. And that evening at her place, he says he’s All In.  He gives her a gift of a Spanish dictionary with key phrases and words like “Esposa.” 

Goose is going to win this thing on confidence alone.

Off we go to the final date with First Peter, with serious trepidation.  RLind says he’s asking her to accept the unknown on faith – that he will propose down the road – and she “struggles in that setting.”

First Peter is wearing green and we love him.

So this is long, long, long, and super painful.  First, RLind takes First Peter to a Monastery, basically like “This is where you will come to die, First Peter.”   And then a monk shows up and is like “are you married,” which leads to awkwardness.  But then we love the monk, who says that they really need to “let go of things that aren’t really important,” to keep moving forward in a relationship.

You know, like EXPECTING AN ENGAGEMENT AFTER WHAT AMOUNTS TO TWO INDIVIDUAL DATES AND A COUPLE GROUP DATES OVER A SIX WEEK PERIOD.

Then the slow fight picks up and continues at the monastery and after.  First Peter says he has zero fear of marriage, but he is scared of having multiple marriages, and multiple proposals are a symptom of that.   And also, he realizes that he actually does love her enough to propose, but he only got to that point one day before and its too new to act on this very moment.

RLind says she feels like she’s forcing him to do something.  He offers to compromise by proposing anyway because that’s what SHE wants.  She then says that won’t work because his MOTIVATIONS for doing so would be wrong and they discuss that forever during which We Want To Punch Them Both.

Finally, First Peter pulls the plug:  “Then I wish you the very best.”

He says they are both going to regret this, and she’s all “MAYBE” and he adults hard core with a “I know I will. And if you change your mind, you know where you can find me.”

And then they kiss for like 10 minutes and say they love each other.

SIGH.

RLind walks out into the rain as a voiceover expresses her fear that she is making a big mistake WHICH SHE IS. 

Chris Harrison says this is the worst breakup he’s seen in 16 years.  Which both traumatizes this Author with the realization that she, too, has been watching this show for 16 years, and also for the fact that he speaks the truth. 

First Peter comes out into the live viewing audience and it is painful, PAINFUL.   He has been crying backstage, and comes out to explain that he is “shaking like a leaf” and “terrified right now.”   They start to have the same fight about his readiness for marriage until First Peter, mercifully, shuts it down by starting to answer questions like “I don’t know” and “I can’t say more at this point.” 

The RLind tries to dissuade him from being the next bachelor, which to be clear is NEVER brought up as a subject but still:  “I don’t think this process is right for you.  It takes you more time.”

We also want to drop kick her when she says she “wasn’t trying to pressure” First Peter.  Um, RLind, in that last conversation you crossed the line that was “speaking your mind.”  And you pretty much were goading him into pulling the trigger on a break up so that you didn’t have to.

We learn that after the show, First Peter asked if he could reach out to RLind and she had said NO.

Finally, First Peter exits stage left and all we can say is we wish him well.

We go back to the Show, which is now Dead to Us.

Goose picks out a Neil Lane ring for RLind that looks like a bedazzled fingernail on a rope.  She steps out in a Khaleesi looking dress and the wind whips up behind her as Goose proposes and we don’t care.

RLind has picked the guy who says things most easily.  Not necessarily the guy who says things with the most heart.

Back on the live viewing audience part,  Goose proposes the RLind again, and they reveal that they are trying to bring their lives together and get to know each other in a “normal” sense.  Goose says that RLind wants a winter wedding, and what she wants she should get and we pretty much know that this relationship is doomed.

Well, she got what she wanted. 

Klo.