Ari Part 3: Sunny Is All Of Us

Like Farrah Fawcett, we are “emotionally and physically drained.”  Mainly from Work Items and making chili AND yogurt AND emergency beans this weekend, but also because Coach Krystal is telling us that she wants to be “more aggressivepfwweeee” and we hate her.

Lo, for it is the morning after the last rose ceremony and Chris Harrison has made his solitary two minute appearance to announce the next date.  It’s a group date for Maquillage, Jacqueline, Lauren B (the one who is a little orange), Tia from Arkansas, Marikh, Young Becca, Bibiana, and Coach Krystal.  “It’s all about the ring,” says the card.  

Tia, for All of Us:  “I just got the shit beat out of me on a group date, so I’m hoping that doesn’t happen to me again.” 

Jacqueline, for This Author Specifically:  “I am not athletic, AT. ALL. So I want to make a good impression on Ari, but I am going to get my ass kicked today.”

As the ladies stream out of their bus in leggings that are not pants, we learn that they are going to be doing GLOB, a/ka/ the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  NOOOOOOO.  We love GLOW.  This is a terrible tragedy of a knock off.  And also, what is happening with these terrifying Very Former Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling who have come to teach wrestling moves to the women?  We meet “The Farmer’s Daughter” and “Little Egypt,” both of whom are (a) on the shady side of 50, but (b) undeterred, have squeezed into their former costumes, and (c) are pretty much verbally abusive. 

As Little Egypt tells Bibiana that she is “pathetic” and insults her mother, Bibiana sticks up for herself because That Shit Is Not Okay.  But both Bibiana and Tia end up crying in the corner because mean people suck and also ABC, That Is Not Good Television.   

Our friend ETu has a colleague who keeps a little post-it note on her computer monitor.  The note says “try to be kinder every day,” which makes a lot of sense because she works with children.  So we think about that little post-it note, and also about Little Egypt.  But then we think about how each of us probably surrounds ourselves with the reminders we most urgently need for our places of work.  

Which brings us to the Items Taped to This Author’s Computer Monitor:  

A.  An old chocolate wrapper that says “Wing It,” and

B.  A quote by William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

So . . .Yeah.

Tia declares that she is “willing to fight for Ari’s heart, but not the way these women want me to” and we feel a teeny kernel of pride.  Could this be a baby movement of drawing boundaries on the bachelor?  We cautiously take out our pussy hat in solidarity . . . . and then put it away when we see the alter egos the women are working with:

Coach Krystal = the cougar. Tia = southern bell.  Tia = bridezilla (in an alligator head and tutu).  Young B is a kitten *with a whip.*  Also, someone is a lunch lady.   

At any rate, after Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny from last season shows up and crushes Ari (“The worst scenario is that he kills me.”), there are a series of violent wrestling battles between the women and one very uncomfortable Sensual Liturgical Dance between Marikh and, we think, Jacqueline?

“Omg, this is so weirdly sexual,” says Young B, for All Of Us.

Off we go to the afterparty at an airstream camp.  Yes, a camp.  Full of airstream trailers.  But remarkably, that is not the main thing about this date.  The main thing is that Coach Krystal is wearing a leotard, Not Ironically.

We feel stabby as Coach Krystal enjoys some 1:1 time with Ari:

Ari (sitting down):  “This is cool.”

CK: “Pfweee yeahhhhh I like thissssspfwwwee.”

Ari:  “You are damn sexy today.  It’s really hard to have you in a room with other women.  I have to check myself a little bit.”

CK: (whispering to Ari):  “What should I do on these group dates?  Be aggressive or kick back?  Because (big huge eyes)  . . .“I don’t want to get lost.”

This Author:  *RAGE* And also *VOMITS*

Unfortunately, Bibiana decides to take things into her own hands and pulls Ari aside for some 1:1 time, which she devotes to complaining about Coach Krystal.   In that very moment, we know Bibiana is toast.

Meanwhile, Coach Krystal has returned to the other women, in stylus interruptus:

Young B: “Has anyone ever watched WWE wrestling?  It’s just a bu. . . “
CK:  “Hieeeeeeeyyyy.  I’m just going to slide on in here . . . “
Young B: “A bunch of women totally . . .“
CK:  “Has anyone not had time with Ariiiiiipfwweeee? Because my time was reallyyyyy awesome and unique and I just want to make sure that all the girls have their time and aren’t fighting for it.”
Young B’s face:  [“the F*?”]

This is basically torture.  So, we shall summarize.  While Coach Krystal is continuing to make friends, Ari has taken Tia to the roll-out bed at the back of the airstream and saying things like “if you feel weak, I can be there for you.  That makes me feel like a man.” And she’s all “I’m very very glad you were there to comfort me” when Little Egypt was being mean.   We like Tia, but COME ON. 

More interesting is Young B, who reveals during her 1:1 time that her longest relationship was 2.5-3 years, he broke it off, and she was devastated until she felt better when she realized that a burden had been lifted and then suddenly she is STRADDLING ARI AND WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Young B gets the rose on this date.

The next day, Coach Krystal is explaining to Marikh, as they lounge poolside, that not getting the rose is really just one of many crosses she has had to bear: “I get hated on by girls.  Like, when I was in the Eighth grade my friend’s boyfriend broke up with her to be with me and it was just so uncool when she said that she would never bring another boy around me!  I feel like I’ve had to be so strong and be a provider and work so many hours. I feel like Ari and I know what we want, which is to end up together and this is just a process that has to be done.” 

We are relieved for the next date card to arrive, if only to get away from Coach Krystal.  The card, which says “You had me at Merlot,” is for Farrah Fawcett.   “I think it has to do with wine!!!” she says excitedly.

Ari is excited about Farrah Fawcett because she is “beautiful, mature, and has a great job.  This is what I’m looking for in a future wife.”  Okay, [sidebar]:  One thing this Author will say in Ari’s favor is while he has kept a lot of crazies . . . mainly because most of them are crazies . . . he is also keeping a surprising number of the more competent women in the group. 

Farrah Fawcett, unfortunately, does not shine.  This date is basically about walking around a vineyard and talking, which sounds pretty nice.   We also become weirdly endeared to Ari when he says that in the last five years he’s started going to bed earlier and wearing cardigans.  Hahaha, Truth. 

But Farrah Fawcett is not doing well.   First, she says she hasn’t “been romantic in so long, I forget how!”  And then she decides that feeling romantic is “fun!” but “also makes me feel nervous.”  And then it happens:

Ari:  “So, what was your path to here?”
Farrah:  “I was always a relationship girl.  I had a long term close relationship and we lived together and then we grew apart because I went on this work trip and got to thinking and also I have an amazing family which I want to tell you about but not yet but like my mom and dad are amazing and my friends are amazing but the relationship piece is what is missing also when I was in my senior year of college my mom had this weird eye infection and that’s why music is such a huge part of my life.”

Ok, so this Author wants to disparage Farrah Fawcett for . . . whatever just happened there . . . except that Farrah’s soliloquy is basically this blog so we’re going to be quiet.

 Farrah:  “It would be great to give me the rose, but I wouldn’t give it to me at this point. “
Ari:  “Yeah, . . . I can’t give you this rose because I just don’t . .. I don’t even know.”

Back at the Lady House, the women are shocked to see Farrah’s luggage rolled away.  As Caroline sobs because Farrah was her friend, Krystal is all:

She then lectures the other women about how Time Is Precious, prompting Caroline to Flee The Scene and mutter “stop being so condescending just because you met his dog” into a sympathetic shoulder in the hallway.

Thankfully, the third date card came, for:  Other Becca, Brittany, Twitter, Caroline, Mom, and Annaleise.  “Love is Ruff” it says.

As the women grow excited because it “must have something to do with dogs,” Annaleise of Last Week’s Bumper Car Trauma is worried.  Lo, for her palms have gone sweaty because  . . . (wait for it) . . . she had a Traumatic Experience With A Dog when she was a child. 

Babies, in the words of Annaleise, and as interpreted by ABC: 

“I was staying at my grandparents’ house because my parents were out of the country.”

 “My grandparents had this neighbor with a really old dog named Sunny. I was playing with Sunny.”

  

“But Sunny didn’t like me, so he bit me.”

“I nearly lost an eye.”

We just don’t have any words for this.  

Moreover, the whole of the date is One Big Fat Nothing.  The women spend the afternoon in the park learning how to work with trained dogs and then put on ridiculous costumes and do a show with the dogs for random people.  The dogs don’t behave.  Children in the front row of the show wander on stage.  Basically, as far as we can tell this whole date was an excuse for Ari to have some time with his dog, Bashor.

The second half of this date is not much more interesting.  Ari takes the women to an old bank/now bar.  The Mom lays it on thick during 1:1 time:  “It was tough being with dogs in a playground setting and then having the whole first row be children [because as you know, I Am A Mother].”  And also, “I’m here to discovery myself through someone else.”

What?

So blah blah, Other Becca and Caroline have some marginally better 1:1 time, during which Annaleise basically has a conniption about needing more time while not actually doing anything about it.  And in the end, The Mom gets the rose. 

So merciful god, we are now at the rose ceremony, marking the end of this boring journey for the day.  The big story here is that Bibiana has set up a bed for stargazing outside, which Ari stumbles on with Orange Lauren.  It promptly becomes a casting couch as Ari brings woman after woman back for private time while poor Bibiana is shooed away.

“The Struggle is Real,” she says.  

 The most interesting pre-makeout conversation is between Ari and Young B.  After Ari declares that he feels a little unsafe around her, she says “you know why?  Because I AM unsafe.  Because I don’t need you.  You say that you have generally dated people who need you more than you need them, but I don’t need you to complete me.  I bet that’s why you like moms too.”   Ari is stunned into silence.  

BOOM.

The rest of the night is drinking moonshine with Tia (her:  “Are you sweating?  ‘Cause I don’t have much on and I’m sweating.”)  And also, not just one, but TWO very awkward approaches by Annaleise.  As we pull the strings of our sweatshirt closed around us, Annaleise hauls Ari upstairs to beg for a kiss (he declines because “we’re not there yet”).  Then there is a brief interlude where Twitter is straddling Ari as we all scream.  And THEN Annaleise comes back again.

Other women:  “Get it girl!”

Still other women (and this author):  “I literally can’t watch this."

Aaaaaaaand . .. Ari dumps Annaleise because it just ain’t happening.  As she sobs, the rose ceremony begins.  Joining Young B and the Mom with roses for the next week will be:

1. Caroline

2. Taxidermy Kendall

3. Ashley the POC that they never let talk

4. Orange Lauren

5. Brittney 

6. Other Becca

7.  Sienne.  We love her.  Yay, Sienne.

8. Coach Krystal.  Noooooooo.

9.  Tia.

10.  Maquillage.

11. Twitter.

12. Jacqueline.  Yay!!!

13.  Marikh

Bibiana goes home in tears.

Stay tuned for Monday, which this Author will timely blog at a sedate pace many days later.

-KLo