AriE Part 8: Hometownzzz

Up to this point (or in the world of horrible legal writing:  heretofore), this Tiny Author had understood that the first episode of the bachelor and also the Tell All Items, were the most boring of this show.  But babies, that all changed with Hometownzzzzz today.   Which were actually last week.  But whatever.

First up is with Kendall in LA, whom AriE tells us is “not your average girl” because she is both “quirky” and “curious.”  We mourn for the average girl.  We also mourn for Kendall, who is too good for this show even though she takes him to a taxidermy warehouse and forces AriE to stuff rats. 

Our college friend J was an R.A., which meant that she got to keep all the secret pets of her friends over break, including one Hamlet the Hamster.  Except that Hamlet escaped his cage and was found, days later, with his little jowels filled with various items found on  college dorm room including but not limited to Lint and Also, Leaf Cuttings.  He died shortly thereafter.  At which point J and Hamlet’s owner decided to Preserve Him for All Eternity because this Author’s classmate, E, knew a little taxidermy.  

“Bring something anhydrous to stuff him,” E whispered late one evening as they made plans to meet at the biology lab.  “And something for the eyes.”

They brought laundry detergent and red buttons.

In the dead of night, the trio basically turned sweet little Hamlet (RIP) into Sweeny Todd, the demon hamster of Fleet Street.   Horrified by the monster they had created, they subsequently threw Sweeny Hamlet outside our dorm room.  And then it rained.  At which point they all discovered that laundry detergent was not, in fact, so anhydrous after all. 

Sadly, AriE’s date with Kendall is not so spectacular.  Instead, AriE appropriately observes that “this is some silence of the lambs stuff,” as Kendall says that taxidermy is but another way to appreciate an animal more. And then they drink some lemonade while This Author wonders how many hands were washed.

Next up, we meet Dad Bob, Mom Michelle, identical twin sister Kylie, and Hot Brother.  Kendall notes that AriE is more “compassionate” than other men she has brought home and we tell her to Do Better.  

But basically, a lot of this date involves trying to figure out what room of the house 1:1 times are happening in.  Lo, for there are beads.  Like, a LOT of beads, and bobbles, and a wood carving that says “breathe” or “soul” or something and we conclude this must be the Room of Good Energy.  We forgive the family this room because we love them (All of Them).  Mom tells Kendall that AriE is right for her if she feels her heart opening up to him, rather than closing.   The Twin notes a bit of space between AriE and Kendall, and tells AriE that she sees Kendall ready for a deep love, but not marriage on the compressed timeline that is this show.   Dad says basically the same thing;  Kendall is not a rush into it kind of lady. 

Every ounce of all of us tells Kendall to Run from This Situation but instead this date ends with her confessing her feelings to AriE while he says he “loves that” about 100 times and also, that she “shouldn’t be scared.”    

Next up we meet Tia in Weiner, Arkansas (pop. 716).  We are still mad at Tia from last week, and our feelings do not improve when Tia takes AriE to a local speedway to race cars.  We laugh when AriE looks at his car and says “wow, that is  . . . .an . . . older model; I’ve never driven that.”  We also wonder What Kind of Witchery is Afoot in Weiner to have real life racing cars in such a tiny town, however old.

Babies, before this Tiny Author Became A Suit, we used to go to the very rural local speedway for fun.  And it was not uncommon to hear “My baby traded in his trailer for that one!” and also, “He’s racing his own car; better hope he can get to work on Monday.”

AriE zooms around, making Tia excited.  Meh.  

It is dawning upon us (All of Us) that ABC is trying out a new formula where they get the Thoughts and Prayers of Family prior to the meeting the family moment.   Because now we are also meeting Tia’s family before AriE does, and learning that the Brother thinks he’s going to be tough, while the dad well Tell All From the Handshake (which we hate to admit really does say a lot).

Soon ARiE comes and the family is toasting with mini-wieners and we pretty much want to die:

In the end, Brother is not, in fact, a hard ass.  We give him points for this, though: “So, I hear you’re bit of a playboy.  Is that something I have to look forward to?” AriE naturally tells the Brother that he is ready to settle down.  Meanwhile, Tia is telling her dad not to worry and confessing her deep deep love to her mother.  We appreciate Dad, who defers to Tia’s judgment when AriE attempts to get his blessing and then says, “If you hurt her, I will find you on google.”

This date ends with Tia and AriE kissing on a swing and saying how much they will miss each other.  

We are rapidly becoming intolerably bored.

The third date with Other Becca does not improve our mood.  They have a “great day in the apple orchard,” which Other Becca tries to convince us all is something she does every year, including but not limited to making caramel apples and slingshotting other apples towards a target.   We learn that 

Other Becca’s dad died when she was 19, which is terribly sad, and that Uncle Gary has effectively taken his place as the protective father figure.

We see Uncle Gary:  “This is ridiculous; it is way too fast,” says he, for All of Us.   Some other guy says, “She’s a pragmatic Minnesota girl, she won’t lose her head” or something similar, and we love them.

But Babies, this is just so boring.  After an obligatory “let’s do this damn thing!” from Other Becca (STABBY STABBY STABBY), she brings AriE inside the house and at some point, announces to someone that she knows he’s the one.  Uncle Gary tries to be tough but caves.  Mom wisely tells AriE that she trusts her daughter completely, so the best blessing AriE’s going to get out of her is to say that if Other Becca chooses him, Mom will honor her choice.

Blah blah they end the date underneath a kitty in the front yard while she tells AriE her feeling and he once again says he “loves that.”

Last stop is Orange Lauren in Virginia Beach.  It is patently obvious that the one ARiE actually cares about in all this is her, as he is visibly and verbally more nervous.  Orange Lauren makes ARiE ride horses on the beach, where she simultaneously says she never rides horses but also, that this is her “happy place.”  AriE feels that they are in a “great place” after all of two dates.

So we don’t known what Orange Lauren’s parents do, but the family lives in a giant brick house with a giant pool and also, they are all very glossy and blonde.  Gentle readers, there are women in this family that wear pantyhose.  Like it’s their job. 

At any rate, the dad is clearly high ranking military and quizzes AriE as to whether he has ever been in the military or known anyone in the military or (now grasping at straws) plays any golf???  AriE says no to all of the above, has a little silent melt down and ends up excusing himself to calm down. 

Fortunately, he saves himself later on by saying that he once did a USO tour in Iraq for the military stationed there.

Orange Lauren’s dad tells AriE that the family trusts Lauren, that she’s smart and mature, while Mom is like “really? REALLY???” to basically everything that ariE says (“Are you saying this to other women?” etc) and the aunt plays the role of aunt and allows Orange Lauren to dream that she can find a partner in this whole thing.  We actually start to wonder, as both Orange Lauren and AriE independently say that they are very similar to each other and  that (on her end), they can be in a room of 15 people and she can tell what he is thinking.

AriE goes in for the “will you give me your blessing,” thing and Mom says “I have to trust Lauren.”   AriE also tells everyone that he is falling in love with Orange Lauren (but hold your hats because he said that about the other women too) and we begin to envision the pitch forks that await him at the end of this.

They kiss goodbye and we notice for the first time that Orange Lauren is wearing a short sleeve spandex velvet shirt like it is 1995.  

At last, here we are at the rose ceremony back in LA.  Other Becca arrives in a giant pink ruffle.  Kendall is in blue – meh.  And Tia is honoring the Olympics with what surely is the “Mother of the Bride” version of a skating dress:

  

We hate this dress. 

We hate it more when Tia turns and we discover little pearl buttons up the mesh in the back.

Orange Lauren, on the other hand, somehow pulls off black mesh.

So AriE tries to get started, and then walks out again to collect himself.  And then returns to . . . .collect Kendall.  As Tia debates who among them is the most likely to go home, AriE is, not unreasonably, asking some very pointed questions of Kendall in private:

AriE:  “I need to know if you can move forward in this process and if you are actually ready to be engaged?”
Kendall:  “I’m not ready for this to end.”
AriE:  “No, that’s not what I asked you.  I asked whether you can get engaged at the end of this and feel comfortable in that decision.”

Kendall very obviously cannot but somehow dances for her life with a “well, I love the way you make me feel.”  

Dear baby Kendall, it should not be this hard.  Run. Away.  Go find your taxidermy partner in crime.

But this is apparently enough for AriE, who comes back in and gives roses to:

1. Other Becca (we only wish she had said something about doing the damn thing when she accepted the rose)

2.  Orange Lauren, aaaaaand

3. Kendall!!

We are simultaneously happy and sad for Kendall.   Meanwhile, Tia’s face is completely blank.  She says her goodbyes in shock and then begins the Ugly Cry.   Of course, she thinks its her.  She summons the words, between sobs, to tell AriE to follow his heart, and then Ugly Cries again to all of us in the limo.  She puts up walls, etc. 

Stay tuned for. . . OMG, this show is on TONIGHT.  Noooooo.  So, the Women Tell All tonight (which honestly, this viewer may not be able to stand but we will try).  Followed by Peru tomorrow, with lots of crying and also, some llamas and an old boyfriend.

We will blog it in due course.

Bye Babies. 

-KLo