Arie Part 6: Lookie Here We Are.

Here we are in Paris.  Actually, we are NOT in Paris.  Rather, This Author is stranded in the desert wilderness airport of California by snowmaggedon in The Big City.  But Babies, dare we say, we shall Always Have Paris?  Or maybe we shouldn’t say “we” because Coach Krystal has come down the stairs singing about how she better shape up doo doo doo because she needs a man and we can only conclude she thinks she is attending Rydell High in the summer of 1959.

  

All the women declare that Paris is sexy and perfect to keep the spark going and we don’t even know what to think as they go towards some kind of pleasure boat that pretty much looks like The Continental’s Boudoir from SNL and Tia from Arkansas, who has probably never been to Paris, is like “It’s very Parisian!”

We light a virtual cigarette to blow a virtual smoke ring and also [this part is during the writing phase of this blog] crank up the Blood Sweat & Tears greatest hits into our earmuffs.  God bless the child, babies.

Meanwhile a Fireside Chat is occurring: 

 “Welcome to Paris, Man.”  Says Chris Harrison.
“Thanks, Dude.”  Says ArIE.

AriE again:  “This is really hard for me with 10 women here.  I can’t believe we are halfway through.”

This Author:  “For F*cks sake, we are on episode 6 and only half way through?!?”

Also, who is wearing the uni-diaper?

Oh, it’s Twitter.  Of course.

Coach Krystal is giving another lecture to the women as they wait on their Pleasureliner:  “Last week was really challenging.  But, I mean.  AriE. DID.  Give me a rosephsfweee.  Back in Ft. LauderDALE. And brought me all the way to PariS. So I think that this was a gesTURE.  That AriE.  Wants to continue the conversaTION. And try to work through itphfweeee.”  Somewhere between last week and this one, Coach Krystal has lost her inhaler and is now speaking in even shorter phrasES.  That go UP.  At the END.

We blow another virtual smoke ring and close our eyes.  Could smooth jazz from our childhood be the key to getting through this?    

So the Harrison announces four dates this week, including two 1:1 dates, a group date, and a dreaded 2:1.   Coach Krystal wants to know who will be on the 2:1 with her.  Ha ha.  Until this happens:

Coach Krystal:  “I’m not backing down and running away.  There’s just no one on my level.  Like to compare.”

[Sidebar] Should any Gentle Reader elect to join us in the soundtrack to which we are listening as we summarize these events, we are currently on “Lisa, Listen to Me.” 

So the first date card comes, and it is for a 1:1 with Orange Lauren, who has the reaction of a wooden spoon.  “Fall in love in Paris” it says (in French).   Immediately, AriE rounds the corner and we discover Orange Lauren is capable off standing up.  Also, we discover that she is wearing formal shorts.  Correction:  LONG SLEEVED formal shorts.  WTF WTF WTF. 

This date: [to the subsequent song stylings of Spinning Wheel in our earmuffs.  “Catch a painted pony on the spinning wheel riiiiiide.”  Oh Mr. Blood Sweat and Tears, if you only knew.]

AriE:  “I was saving this date for you.”
OL:  “Really?  All the other girls are really jealous.”
ArIE:  “Here is Notre Dame.  Isn’t it cool?”
OL: “Wow.”
AriE:  “Isn’t that view beautiful?”
OL:  “Wow.”
AriE:  “That painting is my favorite.”
OL:  “Wow.”

This date is like watching paint dry.  Paint in long BELL-sleeved formal shorts (because this outfit needs to be more horrible) in which said shorts are shorter than said sleeves.   

But AriE is enamored because he thinks Orange Lauren is really really hot (she looks like him, so).  So he goes out on a limb:

AriE:  “I really like you.  I would love for you to like me.”
Her:  “Yeah.”
AriE to the camera:  “We are pretty much missing that easy conversation. And this is scary because we have had all day together and. . . . nothing.”

Somehow, we progress to longer answers at dinner:

AriE (looking around the restaurant):  “This is cute!”
OL:  “This is SO cute.”
AriE:  “And this room is pretty.”
OL:  “It is SO pretty.”
OL again: “Wow.”
AriE:  “There was so much beauty in the city today.”
OL:  “It was amazing.”

So finally, FINALLY, Orange Lauren says its hard for her to open up, and that she has, in fact, friend zoned every single guy she has dated seriously for at least 6 months beforehand.  So then THIS happens:

AriE: “Yeah, I get it.  Like my most serious relationship was with a woman with 2 kids and she was actually pregnant with my child. .. “
Orange Lauren, showing life for the first time:  “WHAT?!?”

And then, after being reassured that AriE does not in fact have a love child (his girlfriend lost the baby, which is very sad) and making some tiny and routine admissions of her own (she was engaged, and also, is guarded.  And worried she won’t open up enough), Orange Lauren gets the rose.  We are confused as AriE said one hot second earlier that if she is not more forthcoming he’s going to let her go, but whatever.  ABC plays a deep game.

“Wow, this is huge! Says Orange Lauren. “The reason I came here was to find the person that I would never have the opportunity to meet.  He is very kind, caring, and makes me feel safe.  I really could fall in love with him!”

We don’t know what to think, upon hearing so many words strung together at once.   Orange Lauren seems sweet enough.  Just. . . meh.

Off we go to date #2, which is the group date with Young B, Other Bekah, The Mother, Sienne, Tia, Twitter, and maybe that’s all?  And it is at the Moulin Rouge. Where the ladies are GOING TO PERFORM. Suitably, Mr. Blood Sweat and Tears is now crooning “Hi-De-Ho.”

Twitter:  “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!”
Tia:  “Yeah. . . . Their outfits are thongs.  So. .  yeah.”

AriE: “this date is really for the women.”

Oh, right, because “women” really like to Crack Open The Back Door With a Bedazzled Piece of Rope. 

So Cory St. James from Waiting for Guffman warms the women up and teaches choreography, and soon we are discovering that Sienne used to be a dancer and Tia from Arkansas cannot dance. Like, at all. 
Tia (frowning):  “I feel buck ass naked.”
Twitter (smiling):  “I feel buck ass naked!!!”

But then shit gets real because whomever gets the rose at the cocktail party after the women learn some dance moves . . . gets to go on stage with AriE afterwards!!!

 Young B gets the rose.  We like to think that this is because she was pretty open about the fact that she is feeling new emotions she is not accustomed to around him (jealousy), but it is likely because she was a fabulous ham when doing her dance audition before the cocktail party.   AriE throws us a bone:  “I could feel myself falling in love with Young B.”

Blahdy blah other 1:1 times are not interesting.  Sienne speaks some French. Tia reiterates that she is falling.  The Mother reminds everyone she is A Mother.  And then they all go to the theater, where all of the other women suck on their teeth as Young B has a blast on stage with ArIE at the Moulin Rouge.

While this is happening, the next date card has come, revealing that of the remaining women back on the PleasureLiner (Jacqueline, Kendall, and Coach Krystal), the terrible 2:1 date will be between Kendall and Coach Krystal.

We are just going to put this into the universe:  Kendall is one of the most careful, kind people that has ever been on this show notwithstanding her love of dead animals.  As Coach Krystal delights that “Kendall just sh*t her pants,” Krystal sits stonily, later saying to the camera:  “Well, I hope Ari comes to terms with some of the doubts he has with Krystal on this date.”  

Coach Krystal:  “Baby, I am wife material.  FUN wife material.”  And we are horrified because now the date is happening and Coach Krystal’s version of wife material is high waisted white linen pants with a periwinkle velour string tank top. 

This is like a Socialite of A Certain Age Goes to the Club For Dinner outfit.  All she needs is a sweater tied across her shoulders.   

AriE has dropped Coach Krystal in the middle of the French countryside, in a chateau built in the 1600s.  Where he thinks it’s a good idea to do a hedgerow maze. 

Babies, this author once got lost in a corn maze for hours.  Hours and hours and we could not find the pig in the middle or any of the clues and we had to have the farmer’s son help get us out and we are ashamed.  So we feel for Kendall as Coach Krystal immediately finds AriEphweeeee and Kendall is like halfway across the maze staring at a wall of hedge like “you have no Power over me!!” 

Fittingly, Mr. BS&T has gifted unto us “Lucretia McEvil” thorugh our little earmuffs as AriE begins 1:1 time with Coach Krystal.  Could there be hope?  Lo, For AriE Tells All of Us:  “if I see the same side of her that I saw in Ft. Lauderdale, it will make my decision pretty easy b/c I can’t be with someone with that.”

OOOO.

But it is really in this very moment that we hate Coach Krystal.  First, she butters AriE up:  Oh, she should have come to him last week.  She will never do that again.  And also, “I just want you to KNOWpfweweee. That.  When you gave MEphweee.  That Rose.  In Ft. LauderDALEPHWEEE.  You Took a big chanCE.  And I see THATphwweee.  And it makes.  It likephweee. ..  just.. . . You earned my trustphweee.” [Cue the Doe Eyes, followed by the Passionate Kisses].

And then, after she has secured the “I’m so happy I’m here with you” from ArIE, Coach Krystal begins her Take Down:  “I’m happy that I’m here with you toophweee.  But, um, I wonder why Kendall is here with mephweee?  Because. . . um, I don’t think she’s ever been in LOVE and . . .  I don’t think she is actually in a positionphweeee.  To be open.  To LOVEphweee.”  And you’ve been very clear about how you want to find a wife, so  . . . “

We hate her (All of Us).  Especially when Kendall asks her, in a very friendly way, how her time went and she’s all:

CK to Kendall: “good.”
CK to the cameras:  “I’m 90% sure Kendall is going home.”

OF COURSE AriE tells Kendall what Coach Krystal said, and Kendall (TEAM KENDALL) does not even blink.  She explains that it’s not a question of being “ready” or “not ready” at some abstract point, but rather finding the person that you can actually see marriage with.  

Kendall (in a very level way) to All Of Us, The Now Adoring Fans:  “It was pretty cruel what Coach Krystal said about me to AriE.  She has a pattern of saying cruel things when she’s backed into a corner and she tries to win.  It’s about winning for Crystal.”

But then Kendall does this thing.  She goes to Coach Krystal, who has been unrelentingly terrible to and about her, and she shows compassion:

Kendall:  “You told AriE I’m not ready for marriage.  In what way do you think I am not ready?”
Coach Krystal:  “Um. . . I don’t know.”
Kendall: “You DON’T know.  And that’s what made it so hurtful to me.”

And as Coach Krystal keeps trying to be snide and turn the tables, Kendall keeps figuratively taking her hands:  “You know, I dated someone like you.” She says.  “He said hurtful things in the face of conflict.  And hurtful doesn’t mean you win.  It just means you hurt someone.  I empathize with you.  You have been through more pain that I can even understand.  But you keep trying to control everything.  And I wish you wouldn’t.  Because for me, the most beautiful moments are the awkward ugly ones, where I have been completely honest.” 

Gentle Readers, remember this face: 

 Team Kendall Forever. 

Coach Krystal, upright and brittle, responds: “I don’t really have words.”

The awkward dance continues at dinner as Coach Krystal and Kendall wait for AriE:

Coach Krystal: “I want to talk about our discussion earlier.  I felt that. . . it was apparent that we don’t know each other.  We actually have a lot of similar beliefs.” 
Kendall : “Yeah, that may be true but we present them in a completely different way.”
Coach Krystal:  “You were patronizing and I don’t want advice from you about how to live my life.”
Kendall: “It’s going to be the last night with AriE for one of us. So I’d prefer to focus on our individual relationships with AriE, rather than each other’s relationships with him.”

Kendall to the camera: “Well, Coach Krystal tried to hurt me today, but I’m focused on AriE.”

We temporarily interrupt this torture for Young B, who is back with the other women Awaiting the Results of This Date:  “I don’t’ know what I think is going to happen tonight.   A lot of women say they will be shocked if Kristal comes home, but I don’t know how shocked I would be.  No one thought that Trump would win the election either and LOOKIE HERE WE ARE.”

HAHAHAHAHA.   This Author is going to have buttons made. 

Aaaaand, after some long speech this author was not really listening to, ARIE GIVES THE ROSE TO KENDALL.  The camera cuts to the women back at the Pleasureliner, popping open champagne as Coach Krystal’s luggage is wheeled away.

Coach Krystal says “THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT.  I AM FLOORED.” And then tears up about how she puts a brave face on but needs love.  We are unmoved.

Kendall and AriE end this date kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Last up, we have date #4 with Jacqueline.  We really love Jacqueline, who has some snap.  We even forgive her the Troutfit of Episode 5 when she says the following:  “I feel like when I got the date card, it was like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like if you don’t learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the date, it will be shot.”  AHHHAHAHA.

And then we begin to really love Jacqueline when AriE tries to have a Pretty Woman date with her and she’s like “I don’t know anything about fashion.  I don’t know how to shop for myself.”

So here is the irritating thing about this date.  Basically, Jacqueline is awesome.  But AriE is worried that she is TOO INTELLIGENT for him.  And she is worried that she is “just an experience” for him.  But mainly he’s worried about her intelligence.  Because, you see, she is GOING to get a PHD, no question, and that is 6 years in her field, and it is happening so he needs to know.

Babies, we feel the rage.  Dear Jacqueline, the person you end up with should say that he is super proud of your intelligence and that it is an ASSET, even if it is more than his own intelligence.  

 After a fake-out from ABC where Jacqueline cries to the camera about not being ready to go home, AriE claims that he “feels really deeply” for Jacqueline and gives her the rose. They randomly stand on a staircase and passionately kiss, because that is completely what happens in real life.

And then it is another day, another rose ceremony. In some kind of very creepy place with old dolls and mannequins.  Joining Young B, Kendall, Orange Lauren, and Jacqueline with roses, we get:

1. Tia

2. Sienne

3.  Other Bekah

So going home are:  Twitter and Mother.  Twitter sobs particularly loudly.  But the more interesting thing is that as ArIE toasts to the coming week in Tuscany with the remaining 7 women, Orange Lauren has no expression on her face.  Not even a smile.  But we feel bad for her, as she furtively whispers to the camera afterwards: “I am starting to get pissed off by the smallest things.  I should be thrilled at what we are doing, but I am getting really freaked. And consequently am clamming up.”

There is no question that this is not exactly A Wonderful Way To Find Love for Orange Lauren.

Stay tuned for next week, when it looks like things go off the rails still further.  In the meantime, this Tiny Author got home at 4 am and so we are going to take a  nap. 

- KLo