AriE Part 5: Troutfit.

Babies, it has taken us three tries.  THREE TRIES to get through the Bachelor this week, which proved insurmountable notwithstanding A Hot Toddy At One Point and also, Yoga At Another. It was only this morning, when we resolved to cook Further Emergency Beans and then accidentally made Possibly Three Pounds of them, that we concluded our day is enough of a hot mess that It Is Time. 

So here we are in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  We remain confused as to why this is an around the world trip that, thus far, has gone to two places Not Anywhere Else In the World but Whatever.  We are further confused as to why AriE has a wing tattooed on his Bingo Area.  Will he lift us up, with sweaty angel wings?

While we contemplate these issues, we see the women riding rental bikes, going to their penthouse for the week, and generally lounging around in some very confusing off the shoulder tube tops with puff sleeves, a/k/a landing strips for pit sweat. 

We soon discover that The Mother has gotten the first date.  She is apparently excited to introduce AriE to “Chelsea, not just The Mother.” We are excited because she is wearing the lampshade from This Author’s childhood room, complete with tassles:

 So AriE takes the Mother on a boat.  Like, a FANCY boat, for their date.  Conveniently, this boat is near a pier with a spy glass so that all of the women can see that AriE in fact has some manner of tattoo that covers the entire right side of his body and also, we can all watch AriE and The Mother stand at the front of said boat.

“They are Titanicking!!” says someone.

This is not a relationship goal.

The Mother says “I’m on a dream boat . . . WITH a dream boat” and we all scream until we realize that she knows it is a terrible joke and we actually like her a little WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

After some further and highly dangerous Backwards Kissing On a Jetski, AriE takes The Mother to a dinner and this is when we realize that The Mother is really not so terrible after all.   In stark contrast to Coach Krystal, The Mother thoughtfully explains her life circumstances:  She did not grow up with much, and when she met her ex, who was older and more successful than her, she believes he saw someone he could mold into what he wanted.  And she, at 20, didn’t know really who she was.  So they were together for 7 years, and had her son, and then he left her when said son was 6 months old for another woman.  And left her with her belongings in trash bags.  SO even though at this very moment she has less in life than she probably has ever had, she has her son and therefore, has everything.

And we love her.  Godammit ABC.

She gets the rose. 

And off we go to date #2 with Maquillage (who came back after her grandfather’s funeral), Coach Krystal, Young B, Twitter, Other Becca, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley the POC they never let talk, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Orange Lauren:  “There’s not a moment to spare.”  That’s right:  we are going bowling because to hear AriE explain it, “In Arizona, if you want to have fun, you go bowling.”  

Really grandpa?   

Then this happens:

We have questions.

The scene at the bowling alley is basically like a bunch of baby ballerinas at a buffet:
Some woman:  “OMG, I’m so excited to eat these wings with you!”
Coach Krystal:  “Yeah, I’m SO about it!!”

As both of them pick at the celery.

This band of hungry stick insects soon divide themselves into two groups:  The “Pin Ups” and the “Spare Roses,” and Twitter does some kind of screechy cheer with unnatural body twerks and we start to think that she is like that infant, Courtney Stodden, who married the old dude from Lost. 

We are on whatever team Young B is on because she is the only one who doesn’t feel a need to tie up her bowling shirt like she’s in a country music video.

So this date is further exhausting, for All Of Us, because Coach Krystal does not stop.  First, she informs us all that she is “not fighting for his attentionphfweeeee” and also, that “AriE needs to step up and prove himself” to her. Because ???  And then, her team wins.  Which is a disaster because .. . . the losing team was supposed to go home instead of progressing to the “after party,” but AriE, like a grown up, decides to keep them and expand the time. 

Coach Krystal Loses All Of Her Shits:  “WHAT? Why did you change your mind?  My whole thing is that I was not going to fight for his attention. Fine.  I’m done.”

It is not immediately clear to This Author why inviting a few additional women to an after party and then expanding the length of it is a big deal, but apparently Coach Krystal takes the entire ride back home in the limo to trash AriE as a “liar,” impugn his character, and also, the fact that he “went back on his word.”  

Upon arriving home, she then changes into a bathrobe because um, “AriE did not take us into consideration” by inviting other women to the party, and so therefore she is going to refuse to go to the after party.  Oh, and he was “disrespectful” to her team because he set an “intention” of it being a competition and then decided it was just bowling.

We are exhausted.

The other women try to rationalize with Coach Krystal, who declares that “all my stuff is packed,” and we further realize that AriE has actually kept a bunch of reasonable, adult women and we are surprised by him.   Kendall, The Dark Horse Whom We Appreciate:  “I get that you are upset and I don’t have an issue with that.  I have an issue with the cruelty that you exposed on the ride home.  Kindness is very important to me, and I don’t think you exhibited kindness.”

Team Kendall.   Also, Team Young B, who perfectly mimics Coach Krystal’s temper tantrum and we love her forever.

So this date continues at the afterparty, which AriE awesomely starts by saying, “So it looks like we are all here!” until Twitter, in a clear tactical error, points out that Coach Krystal is not, in fact, Among Them.

So AriE plays into Coach Krystal’s evil plan by going to check on her in her room, during which the following occurs:

Him: What’s up?
Her [in a cushy off-the-shoulder robe with sexy rumpled hair]: ‘I’m just hangingphfweeee”
Him:  “Give me a hug.” REALLY? [INSERT LONG HUG]
Him: “what’s going on?”
Her:  “I just felt . . . Like, I don’t feel ok.  I feel disrespectedphfweeee because you said one thing and changed your mindphfweeee.
Him:  “Um, it’s just bowling.”
Her:  “But it wasn’t just that and you know it.  I felt passionate, and very hurt, and I said things out of hurt.  I mean, I have been so open and vulnerable AND deep AND raw with you and I don’t anything about you and I want to, like, have you let me in.”

[INSERT VOMITS BY THIS AUTHOR].

Him: “Well, if you had chosen to go to the after party, you could have learned more about me.  Are you trying to teach me a lesson?   Also, I think you should stay down here, and know that I am not happy about it.  See you in a few days. “

And he tells her to have a good night and walks away.  YEAH ARIE.  We think that every bachelor on this show should be 36 years old from this point forward.

AriE returns upstairs to the after party, where in various 1:1 times Kendall endears ourselves to us more by being articulate about her life and also, AriE tries to sabotage things with Young B by asking her, again, if she “has any doubts” given her age.

Young B:  “Would you stop bringing that up?!?"
AriE:  “I know, but I’m worried I’m going to fall for you.”
Young B:  “Can you seriously fall for someone without those fears naturally being present?”

Young B, wise beyond her years, is most certainly going to get the axe at some point because AriE cannot get past said years. In the meantime, we join her in prayer with the other women:  “Dear God, amidst this chaos, may Krystal find the peace she thinks she has. May she have the confidence she believes she has gained.  And may she have the friends and support that she so ridiculously believed she had in us before today.” 

Aaaaaaaand Coach Krystal shows up, in ruffles and flowers to “take a second to say something” about how her “feelings were really hurt today.” And inform all the other women that “AriE and I had an intense conversation and said a lot of things that need to be said.”

Young B, Future Lawyer: “Coach Krystal, you said that you weren’t coming but yet here you are. Does that make YOU a liar?  Does that make YOU someone who goes back on your word? Please explain.
Coach Krystal:  “I felt hurt that . . . “
FUTURE LAWYER LIKE A BOSS:  “No, you are avoiding my question.  Is he a liar or is it okay for him to change his mind?  Please answer the question.”
Coach Krystal, in a tiny voice: “It was ok for him to change his mind.”

Orange Lauren, for all of us, is like “I cannot even” and just leaves.

How lucky for Orange Lauren, who stumbles into AriE, who then plays 21 questions with her.  Favorite colors?  Blue (him) and burgundy (her).  Coffee no milk (her) and cream and sugar (him).  Oooo, and what is she scared of in all this?  Falling for him and him choosing someone else.  His fear?  Choosing someone that is not right for him.

Orange Lauren gets the rose on this date.

Last up, we get a 1:1 date with Tia in the Everglades.  “This is a country date for a country girl,” he says.  Which of course, involves taking one of those swamp boats for a ride. 

As the couple see an alligator, AriE says seeing said alligator “reminds me that love can be scary, and an adventure.”

For frack’s sake, this show is not dissimilar to being a T.A. for first year English class:

“Skipping rope confirmed for me that life is full of little moments.”
“Being in the car with him reminded me that relaxation can happen anywhere.”
“Handling live snakes gave me the confidence to know I could be alone.”

We just cannot even.

So we love Tia, we really do.  Particularly for the grace that she shows when AriE’s vision of a perfect date is showing up an “Daryl’s house” in the middle of the swamp.  Daryl is about 100 years old, built his house in 10 years with his own hands, loves to go frogging, and cooked them all some deep fried corn on the cob.  Daryl is too good for this show, and we hate ABC for putting him on it.

Conversely, we love Tia for the following:

AriE:  “So . . . tell me about frogging.”
Tia:  “ I don’t want to be stereotypical, but we totally frog at home.  You’ll just be driving down the road and see a ditch with some frogs, and you take this thing [proceeds to expertly describe frogging.]”

Our love continues until we see Tia at dinner in this:

This dress is like that creepy duvet cover at the nautically-themed seaside rental one found on Airbnb.

But then, said duvet cover is all “You think I’m bad, HOLD MY BEER.”  And we see this:

FISHING NET.  THE CHAFING.

But Tia, endearingly, says that she is falling in love with AriE and also, that she spent 7 years in college to walk out with a doctorate in physical therapy and she is not messing around.  Babies, she does NOT see  herself staying in Arkansas her whole life.

We worry about Tia as AriE confesses that he only developed some retrospective thought about his romantic life when he was at his brother’s wedding (which happened a hot second ago) and he was like “what am I DOING?”  And while we appreciate that and respect it, Tia appears to be further along in Tolerating No Shits In Her Life.

Except then she says she is falling in love with him, and also, because he makes her feel like she “deserves” something good and we take it all back.  It’s got to come from within, child.

She gets the rose and he kisses her up against a pole beside a “Live Bait” sign because Romance.

At last, it is the rose ceremony and Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk is talking.  Rationally.  About how Coach Krystal needs to just go the F. home.

But she doesn’t.  Instead, Coach Krystal is putting a new spin on old news:  “Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room.  I was INVESTING in myself.  And GROWING from the struggle that happened and the challenge.”

HAHAHHA, we are going to tell that to our niecelets when their parents send them to their rooms.

As Coach Krystal continues to talk about how close she grew with AriE this week, Because Of The Adversity Facing Them, The Mother and Young B are like:

But then HOLY JESUS it happens.  Someone else is wearing a bedspread AND one of those little throw pillow doohickies:

So Our Spirit Animal, a young lady we shall call CCa, is occasionally dismissive of her father (our friend's) fashion choices.   Lo, for BCa has been known to feature such sartorial gems as an all grey ensemble (the "groutfit," per CCa) and also, a particularly stunning head to toe blue number, which CCa describes as the "bloutfit."  

We are not exactly sure what is going on here.  Bloutfit?  Troutfit?  Either way, it needs to stop. 

And oh  hot damn, it needs to stop on Jacqueline, whom we later discover is the Dooms Day Messenger of this World Of No: 

She looks like a 12 year old playing dress up. 

At any rate, the highlights of the evening are as follows:

A.  Kendall asks AriE the following question:  “If you were visiting a tribe that ate deceased humans, would you try the meat?” 

So our friend MBe refused to eat pork (this is a true story) because her father, who pretty old when she was born and also this was England so it is completely possible, told her that when he was a small child, a man from a cannibalistic tribe came to visit his classroom and explained to all the children that it was  just like eating pork. 

So ANYWAY, AriE says not unless forced.  Kendall, on the other hand, would do it because she is curious.

B.   Coach Krystal is all upset to hear the other women talking about her and therefore volunteers to have 1:1 time with each of them to get to know each other better, during which she manages to get super upset and feel victimized in response to some deeply normal and rational questions.  I.e. “Kendall, when you say that you’re not sure AriE is right for me because I have displayed some extremely negative reactions to him, YOU ARE CRITIQUING AND ATTACKING ME AND THAT IS NOT OK.”

Coach Krystal to the camera:  “I tried to have a conversation and have some compassion, but like the girls ATTACKED ME and I’m just so over it.  A lot of the girls don’t operate at my level and I’m done with lowering myself.” And then she fake throws glitter. 

Great now Coach Krystal is a drag queen.

But in 1:1 time with AriE Coach Krystal lays it on thick and we cannot stop laughing because:

A.  Now she behaved the way she did (which was “out of character”) because it is hard to see AriE with other women.  AND (wait for it)

B.  Because she was TRIGGERED by Bowling Gate.  Gentle readers, Coach Krystal’s mother worked in a bowling alley and so Coach Krystal basically grew up in one.  And also, Coach Krystal’s mother dated all of these men who would make promises and never hold them up.”   So bowling + men who go “back on their word” = free pass.

AriE, mercifully, is not distracted by Surely The Most Absurd Excuse Ever Given on the Bachelor.  As Coach Krystal says “it was our first fightphfffweee!!” AriE says “yeah, and it could be our last.” 

But Coach Krystal is optimistic that she will get a ose because she has shown AriE “who I am:  Fun! Passionate! Sad! Emotional! Excited! Futuristic!  I showed him, like, so many shades of who I am that if he doesn’t like it, I will be hurt.”

OMG.

In any event, joining Orange Lauren, Tia and Mother with roses, ARiE ultimately picks;  

1. Young B

2. Sienne.  WUP WUP.  YEAH.

3. Kendall.

4. Other Becca.

5. Jacqueline, remaining lost in her duvet and big hari.  

6. Twitter.

7. Aaaaaaand [said with obvious reluctance] “Coach Krystal.”

WTF.   We are sad to see Marikh, Maquillage, and Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk leave and Coach Krystal stay.  But as Marikh notes, “I think Coach Krystal is feeding him lies, but it will eventually out.” 

Coach Krystal, on the other hand, leaves us with these self-congratulatory tidbits:

1. “It took so much courage for me to come here tonight, and I’m so glad that I did.  I mean, if the girls thought I was a threat before. . . watch out ladies!!”
2. “Baby, I am wife material.”

Excuse this author while she goes to boil some bunnies.

Also, there is some slim chance that this author will actually be able to blog earlier next week because we are visiting Les Parents En Vacances in Palm Springs and what could possibly go wrong.

-KLo