AriE Part 7: It's So Italian

Well, we are in Tuscany until apparently tomorrow because This Author still cannot make herself watch this show except on the weekend.
Tia:  “I had to look at a map today to figure out what part of Italy we are in.  Tuscany is like a REGION.”
Orange Lauren:  “Why do you think it’s leaning?” (re: the Leaning Tower of Pisa).

It’s going to be a long couple of hours.

Chris Harrison meets the remaining women in an open square, confusingly telling them to “Come right on in.”  He announces that next week is hometown dates, and that there will be no rose ceremony this week.  Instead, there will be three 1:1 dates and a group date.   The lucky ladies to get the roses will bring AriE home.  Oooo.

Jacqueline tells us that she’s “at this weird precipice where I could MAKE myself fall in love.  I really think I could do it.”   We become worried, as Jacqueline is not dissimilar to this Author’s young self, whose initial approach to dating was “well, I guess I have to go on a date sometime.  How bad can this guy be?” Only to find ourselves suddenly receiving Items Drenched in Cologne with No Discernable Way Out except The Big Dump in which he shouted that This Author had “Used Our Love.”  

In summary, dear baby Jacqueline, we have no doubt that you can make yourself do any number of things because you are clearly very disciplined and smart.  Just please, on this one, NO.

The first date card comes for Other Becca.  “Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun.” As AriE drives up in a red sports car to whisk her off to a tiny city, Other Becca says, “Let’s do the damn thing.”  We are tired of this phrase, said both when she met AriE and also, on their first date 7 weeks ago (7 weeks this Author is Never Getting Back).

AriE and Other Becca have no plans except a quiet day to walk the city, get a picnic, and so forth.  That sounds just perfect, except we don’t understand why every time Other Becca talks she throws her head back and shows us her chicken giblets.  We also don’t understand why AriE just asked the Italian bread vendor, in English, “How do you say ‘small’?” 

Other Becca delights in how traveling around Europe on ABC’s dime feels “just like real life.”  Also, she has never traveled with a boyfriend except to go to San Diego with her ex but can clearly see that AriE is a great travel companion.

Exercising Jacqueline-like judgment, this Author once went to Nepal with her ex-boyfriend approximately 1 week after the end of that relationship.  En route we missed every single flight due to weather issues, all critical materials for the international conference he was scheduled to manage because He Did Not Think Ahead, as well as his plane ticket when he threw a hissy somewhere in Germany and his ticket dropped in the little slit between the front of the ticket counter and counter part (Which This Author Did Not Even Know Was Possible), necessitating security coming with some special key to get it out again.  So we can say, with great conviction, that traveling with someone has the ability to clarify, quickly, any doubts one has about remaining as a couple.  We can say with equal conviction that traveling in the style AriE and Other Becca will not provide that necessary test.

AriE and Other Becca have a picnic, in which he reveals that he “really likes” Other Becca but needs to see how things “grow.” You know, three weeks before the end of this thing.  Other Becca pours out her heart, they consume an entire bottle of wine, and kiss.  In the park. On the ledge of some building.  AGAINST said building. Into the sunset.

At dinner, and after AriE tells the cameras that he didn’t know Other Becca felt deeply for him, he tells  her that he is falling for her because what could possibly go wrong with that kind of admission.  

She gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Jacqueline is having anxiety to Kendall.  She admits to having an amazing date with him, but that she has swirling doubts about the feasibility of their relationship in light of the accelerated process that is The Bachelor.  We are pretty sure that Kendall and Jacqueline are two of three remaining women who would understand and/or use the word “feasibility” (the other being Young B).  Kendall encourages Jacqueline to talk to AriE.

So after AriE gets back home from his date with Other Becca, Jacqueline knocks on his door.  After drinking a healthy swig of his wine (ha ha ha) Jacqueline confesses that part of her is falling for him but that she isn’t confident enough in her feelings to go to home towns.  She’s worried that she’s going to end up in Scottsdale, married to him and wondering how the hell it happened. 

TEAM JACQUELINE.

AriE, reasonably, is like “uh . . . you understand that doesn’t have to happen right away, right?”
Jacqueline:  “GAH.  I am outrageously attracted to you, but I just can’t do this.”
Jacqueline again: [DRINKS MORE WINE].

She kisses him, rips off the band aid again, kisses him again, and lets herself out.  And then cries in the hallway about how she doesn’t know if she trusts her instincts and she “sucks at being happy.”

Gurl.  GURL.  Your instincts are saving your butt right now so just go with it.

As Jacqueline tells the other women that she is leaving, Kendall sobs.  We feel bad for Kendall, who is one of two remaining women with any kind of snap.

AriE feels “blindsided,” even though he was worried that she had six years of school left because that’s probably more school than he’s ever attended. Fortunately, he has a date with Orange Lauren to distract him.  Lo, for during the date with Other Becca, a second card came for Orange Lauren. 

“Let’s break down our walls,” the card says.

“Wow.” Says Orange Lauren.  “I was not expecting that."

We wish it wasn’t Sunday and also, too early to start drinking.

Suddenly, we find ourselves bike riding around another small town with AriE and Orange Lauren.  
OL: “I’m so excited!”
OL again:  “He looks adorable.”
OL AGAIN [as AriE does bike tricks]:  “What in the world?”
OL A FOURTH TIME [this one about the city]:  “It looks very Italian.”

We.  Just.  Cannot.

This date can be summarized as AriE really, REALLY wanting his relationship with a Pretty Lampshade to work.  They get some gelato and walk around in silence.  They eat pizza for lunch and she says nothing.  He fills the empty air with his own nervous chatter until a child “accidentally” kicks a soccer ball their way and he and Orange Lauren get up to play soccer in the piazza because, again, that is what happens in real life.

Babies, this Author recently got hit with a soccer ball from some kid while we were walking across A Nearby University.  We threw that ball back as hard as we could and kept right on walking.  Perhaps this is why Orange Lauren, and not This Author, is on The Bachelor.  

Anyway, Orange Lauren is worried about getting hurt.  AriE, meanwhile, is like “if I cannot squeeze blood from this rock, I’m going to have to send her home.”  

A producer must have warned Orange Lauren which way the wind was blowing, because suddenly over dinner she is putting words together once again.  After giving a big toast to “breaking down walls” she confesses that she is terrified to bring him home because he is not like anyone else she has ever dated, and ALSO that it is “obvious to me that I am starting to fall in love with you.”

This terrible, pained expression crosses AriE’s face.  He is completely silent for a full 20 seconds, and then say he will be “right back.”  Then he goes for a walk in the dark.

We feel bad for Orange Lauren.  She is, without question, a very private person and this is probably not the best reaction one could give her after she puts everything out there.  She sits quietly and blinks back tears, later telling the camera that she fears she screwed up by saying too much.

When AriE returns from his walk, Orange Lauren is like “so . . . the look that came across your face right before you left.  It seems like something is off.  Am I right?”  And AriE confesses what is probably more true than anything else this episode: “I want SO BADLY to see myself with your family, nothing is off.” And he confesses that she makes him feel things that he has not felt in years, and then he says “I am falling so deeply in love with you it is crazy.”

What?  WHAT?  This is not going to end well.

Orange Lauren gets the rose.

Next up, date #3 for Seinne.  “I’m searching for the one” it says. Oooo, that means Kendall, Tia, and Young B are going on the group date.  Young B basically wants to throw up.

This date with Sienne involves truffle hunting.  We don’t care because we need to talk to Sienne about this:  

What is happening here?  Is this a body suit?  Do the holes go all the way down?  How does one pee? This is pretty much like This Author in a button down work shirt and we just want to run behind Sienne with a pile of safety pins.

We meet Guilio the truffle guy and his super cute dogs.  We try to get excited but we hate truffles the way some people hate cilantro.  We also hate AriE for this terrible play on words:  “I do dig Sienna. But can I dig deep enough?”

Oh look, Guilio’s family has, *completely spontaneously,* invited Sienne and AriE home for lunch with his extended family.  We are thrilled that Sienne puts an apron over The Situation Up Front to help make the pasta.  But then HOLY SHIT THE BACK IS THE SAME WAY.

This Author is now starting to sweat over the Crochet Onion Bag Bondage Situation, though we are momentarily distracted by AriE, who says (as he rolls some dough):  “I used to work in a pizza place, when I was very young.”  HHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

And then the situation gets worse.

The doily has capped-ish sleeves.

So blah blah they talk about love and romance and how truffles taste like the earth (YEAH they do), but we all know there is trouble brewing because (a) Sienne’s top, and (b) the following from AriE:  “Well, Sienne really likes me . . . and I enjoy spending time with her.” 

At dinner, Sienne does not improve her chances by wearing the shoestring that formerly ran through This Author’s winter coat to keep track of our mittens:

After some commentary about their differences, Sienne says that she “feels ready” to move forward and the clock begins to chime midnight in the background  (This Author Is Not Making It Up). 

  Following an awkward moment of silence to let the clock complete its death knell:
Sienne: “I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.”
AriE:  “Yeah . . .  . . .”

And she gets the big dump.  

Back at Chez Ladies, Young B reacts to the rolling away of Sienne’s suitcases: “Omg, 2 roses tomorrow, my odds just went up.” This makes Tia decide she needs to “say something to AriE” on the morrow about Young B’s “seriousness” in all this (read: Age). Really? REALLY?  Because 

Young B just said out loud what all three of you are feeling?   

Yes, we are already on Date #4 with Young B, Tia, and Kendall. “Meet me at the Villa Reale” the card said.  We feel worried for Young B, who despite anxiety about going home, has chosen to wear a long denim skirt.  Nothing says “I want to progress” like the Conservative Baptists.

AriE wastes very little time whisking the women away for 1:1 time during this date.  First up is Kendall, who has no worries about their chemistry but rather, wants to know how their lives will fit together.  We love Kendall.  We love that she is close with her family. We love that she carefully considers moving forward with AriE and what that might mean.

We do not love Tia, who in the meantime has taken it up on herself to decide that Young B is not “serious” about this situation.  She torpedoes Young B in her 1:1 time with AriE:  “I don’t like being petty or talking about people, but Young B may be on a different page than the rest of us.  Not maturity or whatever, but just  . . . lack of experience.” 

Rage.  BURNING RAGE. 

But Tia is not done.  After smooching it up with AriE, she goes back and torpedoes Young B TO Young B.  “Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I told AriE I don’t think you are as serious about this as the rest of us.”

The look on Young B’s face is heart-breaking.   As Tia patronizes Young B, claiming she feels “like a big sister,” Young B begins to cry and says that she feels very hurt.  She doesn’t like not being seen for who she is, simply because of her age.  We hate that Young B is torpedoed by another woman.  We hate that it happens all the time.

Let the record reflect, Tia, that Young B is basically the only woman on this show that is confident enough in who she is not to bother with the false eyelashes or the hair dye (she shows her grey hairs to AriE), and to say exactly what she thinks. 

Of course, Young B goes into her 1:1 time with AriE crying, and needs to try to get ahold of herself.  And even though Tia just did the meanest thing imaginable in this situation, Young B is still careful:  “Maybe I misinterpreted it, but I feel like everyone from the start didn’t think I was serious about this.  And at this point, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t serious with you.  I feel misunderstood, and I want to be seen for my heart.” 

So then he asks her “tough” stuff about her family and being ready, and she explains that her family has the same reservations any family would have (ie, can you really find a husband through a show?).  We are worried. 

After all of this, Kendall gets the rose, turning the rest of this date into a Sudden Death 2:1 for Tia and Young B.  We know Young B is going home when she shows up reasonably attired in a white sundress and Tia is wearing this Author’s Soldier Boy tap costume except Cut Down To Her Navel and toasts to being “open, honest, direct, and finding love at the end of this thing.”

After being completely reasonable, once again, in 1:1 time with AriE, Young B gets the total axe. 

NoOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Tia gloats:

Sonofabitch. 

Ever a class act, Young B tells him “it’s ok.  Things will end well for you; I know they will” as he hands her into the limo.  Once inside, she gasps with tears. 

Young B, you are too good for this show.

ArIE, the idiot, confesses to the camera that he’s been “talking himself out of” being with Young B for a long time.  He doesn’t see their lives fitting together, unfortunately, but he “really really likes her.”  And he sheds a little tear. 

Stay tuned for next week, which involves Hometowns, including but not limited to Protective Parents. 

-KLo