AriE Part 9: Andean Pipe Trauma

We begin Part 9 with an Andean pipe. Babies, this Tiny Author hates an Andean pipe with the fire of a thousand suns, possibly only slightly less than a jazz flute, the steel drum, and also, the gentleman who plays “Careless Whisper” on the saxophone outside a work office frequented by This Author.  In any event, said pipes are apparently to announce that we are all traveling to Ica, Peru with AriE, where “the desert meets the ocean.”

The first fantasy date is with Kendall in Paracas, where we watch her put on her mascara before discovering that AriE is going to take her into the dunes.  We start reflexively clawing at our eyeballs thinking about this date, and can only hope that Kendall does not wear contacts.  We are unaccountably relieved that, at the very least, she does not wear false eyelashes.

The big news is that this date is basically the romantical safari that our friend KZi and her colleague took This Author on in Dubai complete with riding a jeep through sand dunes causing Very Close Call Vomits.  They dune buggy around, which thrills Kendall (apparently an adrenaline junky) and causes AriE to Think Deep Thoughts:  

“Dune buggying is like relationships, you know?” says he. 
“There’s ups and downs and it’s scary and also, so exciting.” 

We feel like we are watching a LARP of an eighth grade English essay.

But wait, things are going to get even more like this Author’s Dubai trip because lo, they are now sand surfing on little skate boards without wheels.  We did that (we were terrible)!  Almost unconsciously, we start to look around for the camel rides, hookah smoking, and also, Turkish aged tourist in gold high tops who suddenly discovers an aptitude at belly dancing.

Sadly, none of these things appear.  Instead, we see the build in anxiety.  As AriE sets up a picnic in the sand, Kendall tells the camera that if he were to propose, she would say no because she is not ready.  This continues over dinner at the Tikki Hut, where Kendall cries about not being ready for marriage and we pretty much ignore all of it because she is wearing a red pantsuit and somehow pulling it off.

AriE reveals he has “never dated anyone like” Kendall, and also is curious about her.  We feel sad for Kendall as she says she is often a “novelty” in a relationship, and we are basically gearing up for The Big Dump when Kendall says she is falling in love with AriE and they kiss.  Wha??

This date ends in the fantasy suite, awkwardly perched on a tiny seat and then later, awkwardly perched on the bed, and with AriE saying that he “loves” kendall far too many times for comfort.  In the morning, ABC shows us an image of a bee pollinating a flower (for real), and also, clothes thrown everywhere.  We appreciate that Kendall is not wearing make up and wish she never did and also, wish that she would be the next bachelorette if we can’t have Young B.   

We are unprepared for the next date with Orange Lauren, who ABC also shows putting on makeup.  Full disclosure: This date is so boring we have large gaps where we just don’t remember what happened.  But before we lose all of our attention, Orange Lauren says she feels like she is “at her worst” with AriE because she’s so stressed.

Our theory is that this date is carefully tailored to avoid requiring Orange Lauren to carry a conversation.  Lo, for they are basically in a super loud crop duster viewing the Nazca lines, and then also, at a dramatic dinner that begins with Lauren’s trademark “wow.” 

The big news here is that AriE sees “an incredible woman,” but only “glimpses of” her under the walls Orange Lauren has built.  Also, he simultaneously says that it is fine that he needs to reassure her so much while fretting to the camera that he may spend so much time in said efforts that they never get to know each other.  

But once again, Orange Lauren dances for her life, saying that she loves him, that she battles herself all the time because the more she feels, the more she fears, and we are so distracted by her false eyelashes that we almost don’t hear her say that she was ready to give up on the relationship.  This spooks AriE, who confronts Orange Lauren about it, and we don’t pay any attention because we got a text and squirrel.  We return our attention to hear AriE say that he fell “quick and hard” for Orange Lauren, and everyone is crying, and AriE is saying  loves her over and over and we just cannot.

So the fantasy suite of course happens.  We leave them with Lauren sitting with her legs crossed yet bending forward to kiss AriE.  This is both uncomfortable and toot-provoking. 

In the morning, AriE is dressed like a retired professor going for a run at the outdoor calisthenics park:

We are just relieved that Orange Lauren has taken off the lashes and secretly wonder what the menfolk think about that.  Like surely the following is not part of every day conversation: “excuse me while I peel of my eyelashes.”  Or alternatively, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am still the same but the lighting is different.”  Or is it just like “Oh yeah, my girlfriend took off her falsies, no biggie.”  Seriously, is no man thrown by this?

 After 100 more “I love you’s,” AriE climbs out of the grave he has nearly dug for himself in order to go on a date with Other Becca.

 AriE takes Other Becca to a rock that is shaped like a pelvis and which carries the weight of 1,000 shitting birds.  This place is apparently called Ballestas Island.  The smell must be horrendous, but we aren’t advised because instead AriE reveals that his relationship with Other Becca is the “safest, most comfortable” of the three.

Other Becca reveals that her past relationship was long distance for 3.5 years and tells us, The Viewers, that she is “so damn happy.”  We proceed to dinner in a giant plastic bag on the beach, also doubling as a tent with a dinner table inside it.  Here, we learn that she “for sure” loved her ex, but always had lots of doubts.  We also learn, perhaps for the fifth time, that AriE is worried he will pick the wrong person.  And also, that he loves Other Becca.  And that she loves him.  So basically, there are a lot of people loving a lot of other people this episode.

AriE presents the fantasy suite card, which Other Becca accepts, throwing this Author into crisis.  The fantasy suite is another tent in the middle of the desert.  Where is the bathroom? We repeat, WHERE IS THE BATHROOM??  For f**ks sake we now have 36 minutes left of this show and the sun is coming up on the tent and Other Becca is talking about being a “lucky girl” and we are still frantically looking around for the bathroom in this hut.

Also, what, if anything, is Other Becca wearing under her conspicuously short robe?

So this date ends, and we go on to The Big Drama of this episode, which is an oxen named Ross coming to “claim” Other Becca, his ex girlfriend.  You know, because this show has been going for nine weeks and he only just realized that it ends in a proposal and only  had an issue with it upon that realization.

This is pretty awkward and painful.  Ross says that he would have swum the seas and walked the desert to come for Other Becca, but instead does a detour by AriE’s house, where he ‘wants to talk.”  

He tells AriE (who thought Ross was the hotel manager ha ha) that Other Becca is the love of his life and that he wants to marry her, even though the broke up a year ago.  Also, she is the “girl” of his life, the “dream” of his life, and clearly, “the one for me.” 

AriE is like “well, we’ve been in this thing for awhile and told each other we love the other, so if she doesn’t pick you I’d like to ask that you respect our relationship.”  We feel that this is reasonable.  

And we rapidly feel worse for Other Becca, who is clearly over this guy and just wants to be done, and he keeps popping up like whackamole.   She does not let him in, but instead talks to him on the stairs with a producer balanced awkwardly on his toes behind her trying to avoid being in the shot.

Eventually Ross leaves empty handed, realizing he has no place there.  Other Becca then trots down to reassure AriE that she is all in with him, but AriE needs to “process.”   

 Suddenly we are at the rose ceremony and we are having some feelings.

You know those websites that show what happens when you buy your prom dress online? Yeah, we need to have a talk with Other Becca:

We don’t know what is happening with this doily curtain but it is making us very uncomfortable.

However, Orange Lauren is acceptable in red and Kendall is in a super cute black dress.

Clearly, she is going to get the axe.

And that is exactly what happens.  AriE walks past a randomly tethered horse to the rose ceremony, where he promptly pulls Kendall aside and gives her The Big Dump because while he has fun with her, he “just doesn’t know.”  They hug and laugh about it a little sadly, and then she says she has a lot of love for him and gets in the limo, where she reveals that this was hard because it was so close to what she wanted, and just unfortunate that their connections started so late.  TEAM KENDALL. 

So AriE comes back and gives roses to Orange Lauren and Other Becca.  Meh.  And then we learn that the finale next week will be THREE HOURS.

Tears and sadness.

-KLo