AriE Part Women Tell All: The Wing/Tender Paradox

This past week, our sister ERo had a client who offered, very kindly, to pick up the chicken that someone had dropped inside the front entrance of ERo’s work establishment.   “Can I please have a tissue?” said he.  “Of course,” said she.  Only cue the screaming because said chicken was, in fact, a giant dookie.

We have so many questions.

1.  Was it a wing or a tender?

2.  What was this client’s experience with chicken to cause such confusion?

3.  Does this client use BBQ sauce on his chicken and did that in part lead to his confusion?

4.  How does one drop a Stealth Dookie in the middle of a business establishment?

At any rate, the colleague who also grew up on a pig farm got to clean that one up because she has Seen Things, not, unlike now, Our Sister.

So we find ourselves pondering the Wing/Tender Paradox as we face the steamy pile that is the Women Tell All.  Gentle Readers, this is the FIRST PART of a two part series this week.  But we are reasonably confident that we will, in fact, get to the second part by Saturday for lo, this Tiny Author is At A Conference and we like You all more than we like mingling.

In any event, we look back at “memorable moments in Women Tell Alls in the Past” and we have no memory of any of them.  We then meet the women of this season, none of whom we remember except Coach Krystal, Jacqueline, Bibiana, Sienne, Twitter, Young B, The Mother, and Tia. 

Under the heading ‘competition in the house,’ we hear various snarky remarks, including but not limited to The Mother claiming that AriE was learning how to do, er, sexy items in college while Young B was still finger painting.  We then cut to Young B dancing around in the grass like The Hills Are Alive, as if this somehow is proof positive of her infantile age.  Babies, This Author STILL leaps around in public, which may be reason why This Author’s Employer Does Not Let Her Get Out Much.  And also, The Mother has no spirit.

Next up, we discuss “glam shaming.”  As Marique complains about feeling glam shamed, a Millenial who got cut the first night bellows from the back “GLAM SHAMING IS NOT A THING.”  Millenials are going to save us all, babies. 

And then we have Coach Krystal. 

As some of you know, This Author does not speak the same language as our family in law.  And there is a point in family-related vacations during which our beloved husband and in-laws suddenly become a gaggle of chickens sweeping in and out of the room because this Author is language fatigued. 

That Chicken Gaggle Moment occurred again during the Coach Krystal moment.  We barely hear the first “pfweee” (which, incidentally, is not much of a pfweee) before the women attack.  Finally as the chaos simmers down, Olivia Whom We Don’t Remember is like “What’s up with your voice??? Why were you all Pfweeee on the show but now you talk normally?”

Coach Krystal :  “I had lost my voice.”

The Women:  “FOR SIX WEEKS?”

And then Coach Krystal deflects by tearfully declaring that as a result of her being an asshat on this show, her brother came off the streets. 

Chris Harrison, for All of Us:  “Well . . . that’s the best thing that has come out of this.”

Next up, Sienne, who is wearing this:

What is up with the white armband?   We know that we are barreling towards fascism in this country because everyone has lost their damn minds, but still.

Also, we did not take a picture but this monstrosity ties at the neck.

The big take-away here is that Sienne appears to be in running to be the next Bachelorette.  Because this happens:

Chris Harrison:  “How do men handle your many accomplishments (Harvard, etc)?”
This Author [SPEWING WITH RAGE]:  “AS IF YOUR LADY ACCOMPLISHMENT IS SOMETHING A MAN HAS TO HANDLE.”
Sienne:  [dippy eyes]:  “I hope, one day, that I can find a man who values them.  Oh, I am so ready to find love!”

We like Sienne, but that is going to be a super boring season filed with questionable outfits.

Oh, how we wish, instead, that Young B were the next Bachelorette.  She takes the “hot seat” following Sienne and astutely observes that AriE basically piled all his own fears about being too OLD for her onto Young B by making it so much about her age, as if she were too YOUNG.   And then, to the sadness of everyone, Chris Harrison announces that Young B is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  “This is my mom’s worst nightmare” she says with a serious face, and we know she is not kidding.  Why, Young B, why??

Last up we have Tia, who has forgotten her pants:

Let’s look at that again: 

How is this even possible?  As this Author whispered to our friend BMa, if Tia from Wiener had a Wiener, it would be free balling below this dress. 

Also, ooooo Tia is giving Sienne a run for her money in the fight for Bachelorette status.  Gentle Readers, she now sees “what I deserve” and she is “definitely ready to fall in love again, for sure.” 

Finally, AriE takes the stage.  Tia tearfully confronts AriE about the end of their relationship and Jacqueline, who is our favorite person ever, voluntarily clarifies for the record that AriE was supportive of her getting her PhD, and she wanted the world to know it because he got some unnecessary flack by the way the show was edited.  As for Young B, AriE agrees that he got in his head after she revealed her age.

And then Caroline, whom we had forgotten, pins AriE to the wall and says;  “You say you were there to find love.  But . . I know what you did.  And I don’t know how you could do that.  I really I hope you find what you are looking for.” 

OOOOOOO.

AriE is like “um, I think it will all play out in the next couple weeks.”

So that is weird.  And also, quickly swept under the rug by more Coach Krystal drama, as she tries to have a moment to soften things with AriE since their break up “felt cold.”  AriE basically hands Coach Krystal her butt and blocks her from hugging him.  Well played, AriE .

After some bloopers etc. we are done. 

Stay tuned for . . . later this week as this Author catches up on Round 2 of last week.

Ciao, Babies!

-KLo