Other Becca Part 3: Clay Forever.

Babies, this is the Most. Boring. Episode.  Ever.  Basically ABC has no interest in Any Items except for the ongoing fight between Chicken Man, who doesn’t like Puddy, and Puddy, who likes picking out clothes more than anything else.  Also, it is apparently raining in LA, which no one knows what to do with because Rain Is A Foreign Substance.  Oh, and Colton is stressed about the whole Tia thing because . . . aew wjaipwh.  Sorry, this Author just fell asleep.

The first date card arrives when Dazed and Confused Mike is washing all of clothing and therefore cannot wear any:

“It’s time to relax,” says the card, and it is for Wills, Jason, Puddy, Chicken Man, Jean Blanc, and Colton.   But we will not be having any relaxation because Other Becca has opened the door of her suite and it is the women from Season Ari:  Our Heroine Young Bekah, Tia, Carolyn, Sienne, and Kendall.

They have a mimosa.  WE want a mimosa but we had emergency chocolate this evening so no mimosa for us.

Other Becca does a Big Reveal about Colton coming on this date and his relationship with Tia.  Tia’s face is a mask.  Young Bekah, gets straight to the point with Tia and should be in law school This Very Moment:  “So, he told you he was going on the show, correct? And then you ended it at that point?” The other women are less helpful:
Sienne: “Can you move past it?”
Other woman:  “Ooo, how do you FEEL?”

All of the women put on swimming suits and bathrobes at some place called The Spa, as Other Becca says, in the first of many identical voice overs, that she is feeling conflicted about Colton. Snore.

So here is the thing:  This date involves the men putting on Spa Staff outfits and then the entire group of men and women sitting together in a tiny room painting each other’s nails and the men giving foot, head, and shoulder massages.  While this happens:

Colton: “Shit shit shit shit shit it’s Tia.”
Tia: “Hi Colton.”
Jason: “Dude, you need to confront the elephant in the room in some private way, when appropriate.”
Other Becca to Jason:  “What’s your name again?”

Our only take-away here is that Jason, who is a 29 year old corporate banker, is behaving like an adult and we accept him despite his tragically slicked back hair.  

We had a friend in law school with fabulous curls, which suddenly started greasing back in our final semester, apparently because he was going to be a Grown Up in Chicago and that’s what Grown Ups in Chicago do.   It was terrible.  Don’t do that, men.  Let the curls roam free.

Meanwhile, Puddy is in Fine Form:
Puddy:  “I’m definitely going to stand out today.  I’m out here like a surgeon, doing my thing.”
Other Becca:  “You are in your element!”
Pudddy:  “I am always in my element.”  HAHAAHAHHA.

Other Becca whisks Tia off to talk.
Tia:  “The most we ever did was kiss.  And he told me he applied for this show within days of us meeting.”
OB:  “Do you think he was hoping it was you?” 
Tia: “Probab… I mean, possibly.”

OB to the camera (for the 400th time):  “Did he come here for me or Tia??”

But because this date will NEVER end, the Ari group leaves and the men continue on to their cocktail party with Other Becca, who is wearing a Taco Dress.

It is red, but we didn't have a crayon handy.

The men huddle up:   

 Jason:  “I think we kept it light, fun.  We should continue.”
Jean Blanc:  “We acted like men of integrity.  Let’s continue that trend.”

Chicken Man:

Jason, to all of our delight, expresses his happiness at the opportunity to know more about Other Becca as he sees her interact with her friends.   We put a toe in the Team Jason camp.  

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc tells Other Becca that her nails are beautiful, and then won’t let go of the hand he’s holding, suggesting instead some 1:1 time.  As he steals her away, Puddy strokes out.  Again.

Except Jean Blanc does not really make the most of his time.  Instead, he reveals that he PACKED HIS OWN egg beater head massage thingy with him because he “likes to be prepared.”  Let’s all sit with this a moment.  So Jean Blanc, who did not know he was going to be on a spa date prior to this season, packs a head massager because he is hoping for an appropriate time to use it with Other Becca.  We feel vaguely uncomfortable.

At any rate, Puddy is feeling good because he rubbed Other Becca’s feet. “It was awesome to feel her dissolve in her chair.  It was truly epic.” 

More interestingly, Other Becca confesses that she has a crush on Jason and is nervous around him.  “But it’s a good nervous.”  AAAAAND they kiss and it is not gross.  TEAM JASON. 

And then we go off the rails, because Colton asks about Puddy’s Tinder, and Puddy reveals he had 4,000 MATCHES in calendar year 2017 with a 100% success rate. 
Wills:  Wait, how many swipes a day is that?”
Puddy:  “I am not on it every day. I am very selective.”
Wills:  “My dude, you had to be on it a certain amount of time, b/c 4,000 MATCHES.” 

Then Chicken Man basically becomes the most irritating man alive, trying to goad Puddy into snapping.  He also takes his 1:1 time with Other Becca to complain about Puddy, which he calls “putting Other Becca’s mind in the right direction,” and we feel such a powerful rage at his patronizing ways that he is Dead To Us Forever.  Meanwhile:

Puddy: “That guy has an agenda.  And I don’t have to answer my competitor’s questions.  If I answer my competitor’s questions, then I am taking him seriously.”

Wills:

  

After Other Becca says, “Hey Puddy, 4,000 matches?  That’s a good streak!” Things get more boring/I mean worse:  

P

uddy to the Chicken:  “That was a bitch move.  You are a bitch.”
Puddy Again:   “If you think you’re sending me home, you’re not.  You are the skeleton of a man, David.”

Wills, who is now Our Best Friend:

Puddy to the camera: “Having a 100% match rate is desirable.  Women like something that is worth catching.”
Puddy to Becca:  “I know it’s hard with me being a model.  I am looking for someone that matches the intensity, the fun.  That’s wholesome. Not someone that’s pretty, but smart.  With a bright smile.  You have a bright smile.”
Becca: “How are you in a relationship?”
Puddy:  “I will literally do everything.  I cook. I clean. I’m a golden retriever.   So I am just like, loyal and dependable.  I can be a boyfriend and have a total girls’ day.  I’m always going to be in my element because THIS is my element, dating Becca.  You are the goal.”

Wills and Jason, For All Of US:

Then, after some more goading from The Chicken, Puddy finally snaps:  “I am a Wilhelmina Model. I have an image.  And if you’re trying to tear down my image and my 3 year contract with them, you are failing because guess what, attached to me is my PROFESSIONALITY.  It’s my FACE.  It’s the WAY I WALK, AND THE WAY I TALK.  My image is me.” 

Somehow in the midst of all this, Colton gets the Group Date Rose.  Let’s all agree this makes no sense. 

Next up, a 1:1 date card arrives.  Carlisle Cullen reads it:  “Let’s make your heart sing.”  Aaaaaand it is for Dazed and Confused Mike. 

We fell asleep during this date, which was document review level boring.  Other Becca takes DC Mike to Capitol Records, where they meet RICHARD MARX, who is twiddling on the piano. 

Richard Marx:  “Wherever you go, whatever you do.  . . .  I’ll be right here waiting for you (except This Author did not hear the last half because Other Becca sang it and all we heard were cats and trash cans).

Richard Marx again:  “I’m going to help you kids write your love song.”
Richard Marx the third: “You gotta be vulnerable, man.”

DC Mike:  “You mean this show is about opening up?” [serious look of panic]

At this point, we learn that DC Mike’s dad walked out on his family when he was a child and has refused to have a relationship with Mike and therefore, he is unable to open up.  We are mainly preoccupied with getting a photo of Other Becca’s boots, which are open toe and Very Confusing.   

We finally succeed in taking said photo when they give their rhymes to Richard Marx:

Just from a practical standpoint, how long would it take to get a stone out of said boots? We are fascinated.

Blah blah they read their Truth to each other:  “DC Mike, you brought out my smile on this rainy day, now I want to hear more of what you have to say.” “Other Becca, seeing who you were made me take a risk.  The first time out of the limo, different emotions in the mix.  Something Something breaking down walls, her in the end,” etc and we are done.

This date proceeds to dinner, which is equally, mind-numbingly boring, followed by poor poor Richard Marx singing his greatest hits while the couple dance and kiss on a Movie Theater Carpet:

DC Mike gets the rose.  Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #3 has come for:  Clay, Kenny G, The Globe Trotter, Our Beloved Ryan (who we still see nothing of), John, Derek (who?), Manbun Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake.  “We can tackle anything together.” 

Clay, calmly:  “II think we may be up to some football.”
Other men:  “Fuuuuuuuuuuu*k.  Clay plays pro ball.”

Ok, but before we get to this, we learn that Chicken Man fell out of the top bunk of a bunk bed and landed on his face.  This caused such serious injuries that he was in intensive care at the hospital, blood was everywhere, and Blake (who found Chicken Man) was genuinely traumatized.  Of course, Chris Harrison tries to mislead Other Becca about this:

CH: “One of your guys is in intensive care.”
CH”  “He got hurt.”
CH:  “He has a busted nose, busted face.”
Other Becca:  “WHO DID THAT TO HIM?”
CH: [dramatic pause]:  “He fell out of bed.”

So they call Chicken Man together at the hospital, and Chicken Man says that he’s just “so used to sleeping on a king sized bed” that he rolled and fell.  Somehow, Chicken Man has just managed to reiterate that he is a D-bag even in the midst of serious injury.

In any event, off we go to the football date, where a couple of women from the “Legends Football League,” are there to put the men through their drills. 

“ARE YOU READY?!?” Screams one.
“No.” Says the Globe Trotter and we love him forever.

Also, we may not survive this date because this is happening:
Kenny J:  “Manbun mike looks like a lovely blonde woman.  I caught myself checking him out.”

But then everything changes because we fall in love with Clay.  He goes through the drills like one would expect a pro athlete to do:  spectacularly.  But he’s not really making a big deal of it.  Then, the guys divide up into teams and play against each other.  Clay is sort of gently letting the other guys be a mess of things, until his team is down by 14 points.  And then decides screw it, I’m going to be a pro now. And he single handedly ties the game.

But on the last tackle he hurts himself.  STILL CALMLY, he says to the medic:  “I broke my wrist.”  This is legitimately terrible because he is a grown up with a real profession and people that depend on him.  We feel sick for Clay.

 As Clay goes to the hospital for x-rays, Other Becca takes the men to an antique shop and she is wearing a smoking jacket with nothing else on and what is happening.  Garrett wastes no time manufacturing a reason to pick her up and get a big handful of backside.  We hate him.

Meanwhile, Blake struggles with feelings of jealousy, but we don’t care because Clay has shown up.  TEAM CLAY.  He smiles gently and says, “I got hurt playing football on the bachelorette.  That’s pretty funny!”

In 1:1 time with Other Becca, Clay basically has the same conversation This Author has with our husband every time we hurt ourselves:

Husband: “Are you in pain?”
Author:  “It’s a little uncomfortable” [hand falls off].
Husband:  “SERIOUSLY?”

Clay and Other Becca kiss under a blanket, it is NOT GROSS, and he GETS THE ROSE!  YAYAY.

Finally, it is the rose ceremony. By now, full disclosure, this Author is not paying any attention.  We hear Jason say he smiles so much with Other Becca that his face hurts, and someone makes her run bases, and then we snap to attention because Clay is advising us all that his wrist is more serious than anticipated, and that he basically must have an operation to fix it right now.

Clay:  “I love football, but it is also a way to make a good living to provide for the people I love.  At the same time, let’s say I have 3 more years at this job, and then I retire, and I still have no love in my life.  Do I just pass up this opportunity? I’ve been looking for this woman my whole life.”

Tears.

Clay again: “I know that the right thing to do is to leave.  Being an adult is about making tough decisions, and living with them.” 

And he gives back his rose and walks away.   Other Becca and All of Us cry because we have misunderstood Clay and he a class act and this is terrible.

But then, da da DUM, the show ends without a resolution of the rose ceremony. 

Oooo. 

-KLo