Other Becca Part 2: Ingenuinity

Here we are again with Other Becca in Venice Beach. She feels lucky, and also, hopeful.  We feel lucky and hopeful because we finally got the xfinities to work on our computer so that we could watch America’s Favorite Show. 

As Other Becca rides a bike and explains that today will be her “first date since Ari,” Chris Harrison is reminding the men “How Serious This Is.”  Soon the first date card arrives . . . .for Clay, Nick the Lawyer, Chris (who?), the Chicken Guy (David), Jean Blanc, Puddy, Connor, and Lincoln.  “I’m ready for my big day,” It says. 

What could possibly go wrong. 

ABC whisks us off to Saddlerock Ranch, which This Reader finds to be Unfortunately Named.   To whit:  
Dad:  “I had to change the baby.”
Mom:  “How bad was it?”
Dad:   “We have a Saddlerock Ranch situation.  Baby needs to take a bath.”

Worse still, Other Becca is going to “pamper” the men, which involves tuxedos and champagne.  This Viewer’s position on pampering is sweatpants and box wine, but in any event, Puddy provides the color commentary: 

Puddy:  “Don’t try this at home, guys.”
         [Puddy walks across the room.]
Puddy:  “BOOM.  That’s called The Pensive.”

Puddy later:  “As far as BEING IN CLOTHES and being comfortable, NO ONE is going to beat me at it.  I’m a professional.” 

Other Becca:  “Wait, are you a MODEL?  What kind of tips can you give me?!?”
Puddy: “Before you put your shoes and pantyhose on, put your confidence on.” 

This Author is in Tears.  

But we quickly sober up when we see RLind and Goose from season RLind. AGAIN.  Gentle readers, they are here to announce an obstacle course called “Grooms Day.” 

RLind:  “It will be fun, it will be messy, but that’s what relationships are!”  This Author cringes a little at the normalization of dysfunctional relationships by this show.  Then we cringe further because the obstacles include: 
A.  A ball and chain. “You get to put on a leg shackle and drag this ball to the next obstacle!”
B.  “Cold Feet.”  -- How fun!  You get to stand in a 55 gallon barrel of ice water!  Some dude: “Well that sounds like a good time for a bathroom break!”
C. “Slippery Slope.”  - Climbing up Crisco covered stairs.
D.  “Getting over your exes.”  - Some kind of Tough Mudder crawl to throw a bouquet in a bucket.  And finally:
E.  Cake Testing:  Each manchild needs to use their mouths, and only their mouths, to find two rings hidden in giant cakes. 

We hate this obstacle course and everything it represents with the fire of a thousand suns. 

Basically the only thing we love about this challenge is that Clay, who plays football professionally, is completely unfazed by everything including the ice bucket.  “Yeah, I do this every day after practice,” he says.  We love Clay.  We wish Clay had more snap. 

But the drama is that the men conclude Lincoln has cheated because he speeds ahead of everyone else through the obstacles, winning the challenge.  This matters because as the remainder of the date unfolds in the form of a cocktail party, we bear witness to what is basically a textbook illustration of Unconscious Bias towards black men and feel a towering rage.  

But first, Other Becca treats us to this, um, Bold Choice:

IF this Author were to wear such a dress, it would cling unto us like a Tire Bungee Corded to the Back of a Jeep. 

In any event, we all show up at the cocktail party, at which point Lincoln promptly whisks Other Becca off for some time, and Puddy is Not very Pensive about it:

Puddy:  “WHAT!”  It’s a group. Date.  A GROUP. DATE. BRO.”

Puddy: “We have not gotten to sit down on a group. Lincoln literally cheated today and now he’s taken advantage.”  

Blah blah during 1:1 time, Other Becca presents Lincoln with a huge framed “wedding photo” of them after he won the obstacle course.  Lincoln is thrilled and gives her a disturbing Movie Kiss where the man’s head moves around More Than Natural and One Wonders What Is Going On In There.  He says, “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on a Pegasus, something something about unicorns and pots of gold.” 

So basically, it’s like Iceland. 

But here is the rage part.  Lincoln comes back to the group and is understandably excited about having a photo of him and Becca.  He’s a bit cheeky about it, but in a pretty gentle way.  But Connor the Fitness Coach/Massive Turd declares that “Lincoln is Childish” and Lincoln is this, and Lincoln is That (when he not actually being any of those things, really) and then, after the men are done diminishing Lincoln, The Turd takes the photo and throws it into the pool.  Because that’s apparently ok to do to someone else’s gift. 

RAGE.   Lincoln, who is very upset, says “My mom would KILL ME if I behaved like that.”  And we believe him.

While all of this is happening, Grown Up Mike from Dazed and Confused is telling Other Becca that he “wants to treat my future spouse like I treat my mom and my sister.”

Meanwhile, we realize where we have seen Nick the Lawyer before:  in Twilight.  

Holy Crap, Mr. Cullen is on the Bachelorette.   As a lawyer.  This explains so much. 

Blah blah Chicken Man wants to be “pushed intellectually” by his partner (um, do you even WATCH this show?), and Jean Blanc persuades Becca that she is the missing “puzzle piece” in his life.  Followed by this:  “You have nice eyes.  But the only thing nicer than your eyes, is your lips.”  OMG.  Ok, we give him All Of The Points for selling such a cheesy line.

But Connor the Turd continues his blame game on Lincoln.  A few other men at least respond:
Edward Cullin:   “WTF, Turd, why would you throw Lincoln’s photo in the pool?”
Clay:  “There are definitely better ways to deal with it than that.”
The Turd:  “It’s unfortunate that Lincoln ran to Other Becca about what I just did.  It’s DISRESPECTFUL.”

Really?  REALLY dude???

But Lincoln does go to Other Becca, to explain that he needs another photo since Turd threw it in the pool.   Other Becca is none too pleased, and confronts Turd.  Turd gives the typical lines: “Oh, I’ve never done something like that before!  Oh, that’s not me!  I went way over the top!”  And now he feels “embarrassed.” 

Babies, he is the Saddlerock Ranch of this date and we would like to see him gone.  We are also unimpressed by Puddy, who later makes fun of Lincoln for shedding a few tears over the photo (which was really more about feeling violated).  Puddy asks: ““Like, it’s done and over.  You got the kiss. That’s the important part.  Is Lincoln here for Becca. Is he here for love?  I am sensing INGENUINITY.”

In the end, Jean Blanc gets the rose on this date.

Meanwhile, the second date card came for Blake (the Ox Man).  “Let’s lose control,” it says.  

This date is basically a variant on the uninteresting theme of “Getting Over Past Relationships,” or “ABC Wants to Keep Beating this Dead Horse.”  Chris Harrison sends Blake and Other Becca to smash up (with sledge hammers)  a bunch of crap representative of her relationship with Ari, including a car,  tv monitors showing the proposal, the couch where the break up occurred, and . . the remnants of The Kitty:

 We want to say this is disturbing except that when this Author was in college, we destroyed a toaster in the driveway at a house party.  Glass houses, stones. 

But we feel bad for the ABC interns who will have to clean this up.  And we feel bad for Other Becca and Blake, who later go to dinner in the middle of Pier One.   We spy at least six wicker lamps and a coat of arms in the back, amidst the votive candle holders. 

Of note, Blake reveals at dinner that he had a 2 month relationship in which he thought he was in love before being dumped, and so therefore knows he can fall in love in that period.   Meh.  They kiss in the road.  Everything feels “natural” between them.  He gets the rose.

Finally, the last date card arrives for Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, the Globe Trotter, Trent, Kenny G, Wills, Colton.  “Love comes at you hard and fast.”  Manbun Mike and some guy named Jason are sad because this means they don’t get any dates this week. 

The final group date involves taking a bus to a public school where Other Becca meets the men in silver hot pants and announces they will be playing dodge ball.  But first, three child actors put the men through their paces.
“Give me ten suicides!!” screams the little girl.
“She’s the scariest of these kids.  She’s the ringleader,” concludes The Globe Trotter. 

Off we go to the Sky Zone for the Dodge Ball Championship.  This is insane, and not just because the men are wearing electric pink and green or because ABC is trying too hard to turn this into the movie Dodge Ball:

In the end, Kenny G goes in Beast Mode and basically keeps the pink team alive in round after round.  Kenny G, The Warrior, explains:  “What these guys don’t understand is winning doesn’t come from bicep curls. It comes from heart.  And the only guy with heart on the pink team is me.”

THE HEART, BABIES.  

The cocktail party here is another exercise in Meh.  Alex, who works construction, confesses,  “Becca has her shit together.  And I don’t normally go after girls who have their shit together.”  Meanwhile, Other Becca and Garrett have quiet time by the pool, and she confesses to the camera, “I really like him.”  Well, We Don’t, Other Becca, So.  We also learn that Wills wants to emulate his parents, who have been together for 50 years.  Oh Wills!! 

The only pertinent takeaway is that Colton apparently “had a relationship with” Tia from Season Ari, and that he thinks Other Becca really needs to know that.  Seriously?  This dude dated Ali Raisman, and also Tia?  And also, his description of the “relationship,” is that ‘well we had a weekend together and had a good time, but the timing wasn’t right to grow a spark into a flame.”  

Dear Colton, you had a booty call with Other Becca’s friend Tia.  That’s not a “relationship” and also, Ew.  Other Becca feels “a little sick” and doesn’t know what to think, so she walks away.  And now she’s emotional:  “What are these guys not telling me!” she cries.   Judging from past shows, we suspect that one of them has a secret girlfriend, several of them are gay, and even more are Not There For The Right Reasons but what do we know.

Group date rose goes to Wills here.

At last, it is the final Rose Ceremony. Having spent the entire episode ping-ponging from one cocktail party to the next, we are a little Battle Fatigued.  We are also feeling a little over-exposed:

She does like to keep her lady things a mystery, doesn’t she. 

During the course of the evening, Clay smoothly works his way into a first kiss following an unfortunate “touchdown celebration” dance, John the app developer reads a terrible rhyme-y poem that ends with a kiss, and the Turd attempts to reclaim himself with Other Becca by throwing a photo of himself into the pool.  Um, that is pretty much not the same thing as throwing Lincoln’s property in the pool. 

But Puddy is on a different band width.  He wants to show her “Who I am,” but not in a “boring way, like ‘I like kayaking on the weekends.’”  So he strips because: 

“Honestly, like, nothing attracts a woman more than, like, being comfortable next to a sexy man.”

  

That is exactly what This Viewer said to Our Husband upon meeting him. 

So off Puddy goes in his underpants and  . .. dress shoes.   “Tick tock let’s make it rock.”
Guy:  “Why does Puddy have his meat out now?”
Other guy:  “Well, that’s bold.”
Chicken Man:  (who is interrupted in his 1:1 time with Other Becca):  “I’m not sure that’s what Becca wanted to see, and that’s sure not what I wanted to see.”

Puddy to Other Becca:  “I don’t want you to misinterpret me as 007 all the time.  ‘Cause I’m not.”

This Author wipes a tear.

Puddy:  “There’s a lot to me.  I’m really wild, very spontaneous.  I like to speed.  I like to live life on the edge but, you know, like a gentleman.  My hair is always going to be pretty well kept.”
Puddy:  “I just want to be me.  Possibly have a mini-me. I’m very comfortable in my skin.” 
Still Puddy: “I have my shoes on because I’m multi-dimensional.”

Puddy and Chicken man have a little skirmish because Chicken Man has not yet learned enough to let absurd situations just play out: 

David:  “Don’t you think this was disrespectful?”
Puddy:  “Well, it’s not dissimilar to swimwear.”
David:  “Are you more than a model? Is there anything more to you?”
Puddy [to the camera]: “He’s trying to call ME out?  I mean, I wore my underwear.  That’s not calling for attention.”
David:  “Do you even understand the words coming out of my mouth?
Puddy: “ I could take an IQ test, and I’m pretty sure I would pass it a little higher than the average male model would.”  
David:  “This is so ingenuine.”
Puddy:  “The word is ingenuinity.”

You are Welcome.

Blah blah after some anxiety over Colton dating Tia, Other Becca lines the men up to hand out roses. Joining Jean Blanc, Wills, and Blake, she picks:

1. Dazed and Confused Mike
2.  Jason (dude didn’t get a prior date)
3.  John that made an app.
4. Clay
5. Manbun Mike

6. The Turd

7. Kenny G
8. avid the Chicken Man
     ( Puddy:  “Like, dude doesn’t shake hands like a man. Like [timid voice] ‘hi I’m David.’  Dude, is that a question?”)
9. Garrett
10. Edward Cullen
        (Puddy: “these guys can’t beat me tonight!”)

11. Ryan, who has received no air time but is our Only Hope.
    (Puddy: “I’m a Wilhelmina model.  There are only 100 of us.”)

12. The Globe Trotter.

13. Puddy.  NOOOOOO.

14. Lincoln, aaaaaaand
15. Colton.

Oooo, three guys we don’t remember are going home, including Alex who never goes for “girls with their shit together.”  

Stay tuned for next week when some dude allegedly gets beat up and we see more throw back contestants from Season Ari.

Bisous,

KLo