Other Becca Part 5: Talking and Not Talking. Soup.

Well babies, here we are in Vegas, which is the “perfect place to roll the dice on love,” claims Other Becca.  We secretly think it is the Perfect Place to Get a Scabie, but whatever.  DC Mike is jazzed: “It’s my kind of city, my kind of scene.”  We hate him.

The first date card comes for Colton: “Let’s ride off into the sunset together.”   Colton summarizes what is happening, for those of us who don’t understand:  “I’m going on an 1:1 date!  In vegas!  Whoo!!”

We are so tired of Colton and his complete lack of snap. .  As he drives into a desert talking about “not having taken a lot of risks” in his relationships, we are treated to the following visual from ABC:

Don’t pollute, babies!

Other Becca meets Colton in overall shorts and a ridiculous little bandana tied uselessly around her neck.  When this author was in college behaving like a hippie, our sister ERo was attending a college at which 99% of the study body was Greek.  Upon visiting her one day, we discovered to our horror that she was wearing little scarves tied in a jaunty knot at her neck, so strong was her Prep.  WTF ERo.  We vowed never thereafter to wear a jaunty scarf and are now sad that Other Becca is somewhere in between committing to the Jaunty Scarf and not committing. 

Anyway, they are riding camels.   Who are basically feeling the way This Author feels about this date and mornings in general:

This has to be the most awkward of activities.  Each camel is being led by some dude, so this is like a 3:1 instead of a 1.1.  The camels refuse to be side by side, so they can’t hold hands (The Tragedy) or Talk (Worse Still).   Yet the conversation is nonetheless flowing:

Other Becca:  “Don’t camels spit when they feel threatened?”
Colton: “That’s so attractive.” 

Because of course they do, the camels take Other Becca and Colton to a hot tub in the middle of the desert.   Once again, a camel channels exactly how this Author would feel engaging in such activity in the middle of a hot hot day:

In any event, they kiss and she feels relaxed blah blah so C for Continue at dinner.  Colton reveals that he’s “so happy” she said they were “on the same page” during the hot tub makeout moment because his past relationship ended a year ago when he got dumped after saying he loved her.  Then he talks about the significance of saying the L word, so we all know he’s going to say it to her at some point in the future. Meh.  He gets the rose.  Double Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for Garrett, The Cowboy, John, Connor, Kenny G, Lincoln, Jason, and DC Mike.  “I’m looking for Mr. Las Vegas,” reads the card.    Oooooo this means that Puddy and Chicken Man are going on a 2:1 date.  We are sick of them already:

Chix Man:  “walk us through how that must have felt to get the last rose in the ceremony last week.”
Puddy:  “It felt a few seconds behind you, who got the second to last rose.”  Ha ha.

 Off we go to a group date.  They head to a tacky gilded fence behind a fake pony, all of which looks exactly like the entrance to a cemetery for the rich and famous this Author once visited in Texas.  Which opens, revealing a massive estate with peacocks and horses and Other Becca in a tank top without a bra.  She introduces . . . .Wayne Newton, who comes thundering out from behind a hedgerow on a horse. 

We only wish it were white. 

The News wants to “show them around the cabin,” as he says.  Which includes a microphone used by Sinatra and other curios that would not make a cozy home. 

Jason:  “It’s Wayne Freakin Newton!”

We are not sure, as this does not appear to be found in nature:

Basically, Wayne tries to make some point about singing to the love of your life by singing a few lines of “Danke Schoen” to the men, then summoning his wife Kathleen out of the woodwork to sing a few bars to her.  And he reveals that therefore, the challenge on this date will be to WRITE LYRICS OF WHAT THESE MEN WOULD LIKE TO SING TO OTHER BECCA.   Who is feeling exactly as we feel this Very Moment:

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON.”

For the next however long, the men wander around Wayne Newton’s estate trying to figure out how to write their own lyrics to Danke Schoen.  Mainly, we need to talk to Wills about this;

It is a onesie.

That is a confident man.

The Newt is impressed by the men’s ability to use “other languages” and “rhyme.” So basically he tells them they are better than Cats. Which is fortunate, because they are all going to be singing their songs at one of his concerts in Las Vegas.   DC Mike becomes pumped because this is essentially like his own 1:1 date (see cats and trash cans, supra). 

Soon we are treated to the following (to the tune of Danke Schoen):

John:  “Becca dear.  Hoooney, Becca Dear. Thank you for lending me your ear. . . “
Garrett:  “Danke Schoen, Becca Danke Schoen.  Thank you for the roses, kisses, and champagne.”
Lincoln:  Sings something in his native language.
Connor: “I went just a little insane.  Bending the picture frame.  Danke Schoen.”
Wills: “Thank you for.  The spa day manicure.”
The Cowboy:  “Breaking glass.  With baseball bats.”
Kenny G. “Becca Jill. Darling Becca Jill. Oh the group date thrills.”
DC Mike:  “Muy bonita.  Baby.  Muy bonita. Thank you for, being a beautiful seniorita.  I recall when Ari dropped the ball.  You bounced back with grace, and I’m here to take his place.”

Other Becca:  ‘He was very sexy.  I was attracted to him.”  WHAT?

 Mercifully, we are off to the cocktail party that ends this date, at which we discover that Other Becca is wearing one of Miss Piggy’s gloves.  This does not throw Garrett, who has a laughing 1:1 time with Oher Becca.  We grow worried.

But the big story here is not Garrett, but the Cowboy.  Who takes Other Becca out on the street, tells her he is falling in love with her (with apparently real emotion), and kisses her in a manner that is only a little gross.  We start to root for the Cowboy a little.

Meanwhile, DC Mike is flaming out.  Basically, he has been so confident that he knocked it out of the park with his performance etc that he has not bothered to have any 1:1 time with her, or attempt to pursue it. But then Other Becca comes back with The Cowboy, thanks the men for coming on the date, and ends it after giving the Cowboy the rose.   At which point DC Mike blames her for his failure to lift the tiniest finger:

DC Mike:  “I am baffled and shocked.  I thought I would get the rose.”
DC Mike:  “I feel rejected.  There clearly is no interest there [on Other Becca’s part].”
DC Mike;  “you know, if you want something, you take time for it.  So by Other Becca not taking any time for me, this just shows I’m going home.”

Let’s just all sit with that last one a tick.

Wills, For All of Us:  “Well, that’s pretty drastic.  If you want to believe you are going to go home, then believe it. But I don’t have a rose on my chest either, and I don’t think that.” 

Finally, we are at the 2:1 with Puddy and Chicken man.  At this point, we are heavily sick of the back and forth between them, and so is Colton (who has had to play babysitter during the group date).  Colton tells them if they keep picking at each other, both of them are going home.   We hope so.

This Author becomes excited when we learn that they will be going to the Valley of Fire state park, which is on this Author’s bucket list. 

Puddy:  “Chicken man cannot handle my realness.  My ability to be open is unparalleled.”
Puddy:  “Other Becca looks so good in her daisy dukes and boots.  She looks like a snack.”

This only becomes more awkward when the three of them arrive at the park, at which the only seating is a bed, complete with canopy. 

Other Becca:  “I love the silence here. It’s so nice to just sit and take it in.”
Puddy: [taking in the silence].
Chicken man: “This is awesome.  It’s so nice to get away.  I’m so happy to be here. To be with you. Absorbing the silence.”

This Author would bludgeon him.

This date is just exactly as we all expect.  In 1:1 with Chicken Man, he spends the entire time talking about how Puddy is not there for the right reasons, Puddy supposedly told the other guys he was “settling” with Other Becca, and Puddy wants to hook up with “other girls” at the casino.  Other Becca becomes upset because this sounds like shades of Arie. 

Chicken Man is thrilled:  “I couldn’t feel better now!  I exposed him for who he is and now Other Becca can see who he is.”  Really??  Not only is Chicken Man a pot-stirring turd nugget, but his continued promotion of mansplaining his views as a legitimate mode of communication is enraging.   

Puddy goes ape.  In fairness to Puddy, he has basically neutralized every jab from Chicken man during this episode.  But what Chicken Man said was apparently not true, and Puddy is beside himself.   We also learn that he has Hidden Depths.  Lo, for he tells Other Becca that the reason he can be a loyal partner and love unconditionally is because he has watched his father care for his mother, who has multiple mental illnesses, his entire life. He says, “I come from NOTHING. there are times when I didn’t even have electricity.  I have unapologetically trying to be myself and the other guys just don’t like it.”

Puddy is terrible for Other Becca, but we feel bad for him.   He confronts Chicken Man, saying that “the idea that I would be settling with Becca is f-ing  nuts.”   And further, freaking out because, “You just said THE WORST thing you could say to a girl, the most hurtful thing.  And you are saying I said it? WTF. ”

Then Puddy goes a little off script: “Being me is my super power.  Being you is not.  That’s why god talks about ME.” Ok, that’s a little creepy.  But we get his rage.

Blah blah Other Becca calls Chicken man out (“did the word ‘settling’ actually come out of anyone’s mouth?”), Chicken Man back peddles, Other Becca says she feels like she’s in sixth grade, and she sends Chicken Man’s butt home.   HURRAH.

But Other Becca also reveals that she is not ready to give the rose to Puddy, who must now dance for his life over dinner. He blows it:

Puddy:  How do you spend your weekend?
Other Becca: “I go to church and brunch with my girlfriends, then hang out, read.”
Puddy: “Well, the gym is big deal.  Zoolander is EXTREMELY ACCURATE. It’s like the slightest differences can make a difference.  See, my left eyebrow is up.  Now my right eyebrow.  I can move every part of my face!  I wish I could get my portfolio out!” 
Other Beccca:  “Puddy is talking a lot about Puddy.”

So other Becca dumps him.  He is completely gracious about it.  And also, very Puddy:
“It doesn’t feel great going home.  I’m unique.  I’m smart.  I can walk.  I can speak.”

Meanwhile, fireworks go off in Vegas, and Other Becca stands awkwardly waiting for them to be over.

Back at the house, the other men are celebrating the elimination of Puddy and Chicken Man.  Kenny G is celebrating in his underpants:

At last we are at the rose ceremony/cocktail thingy.  Wills is back in our fashion favor with an awesome plaid suit.   Other Becca less so, as her dress looks fine close up but like a carpet far away. 

This is just exhausting.  DC Mike continues his spiral out of control during 1:1 time with Other Becca.  He tries to claim he didn’t really MEAN it when he said he wanted to go home, fails at explaining away why he didn’t attempt to come find Other Becca, and basically frustrates her with his Peter Panning.  She walks away rather than get more upset, and he freaks out further.

Other Guys, for All of Us: “Seriously, this guy is freaking out because he didn’t get time at a cocktail party? This is not a good scene.”

So DC Mike makes it worse by trying to go back and talk to her.  While she is having 1:1 time with Wills.  Who does not back down and we love him for it.

DC Mike:  “I really need to talk to you.”
Other Becca:  “we just sat down.”
DC Mike:  “Seriously.  It’s important.  Can I just talk to you?” (this goes on for three minutes).
Wills:  “So, I’m going to give you 2 minutes, and then I’m coming back, if that’s alright with you [to Other Becca.].”

TEAM WILLS.

DC Mike only succeeds at demonstrating that he is a hot mess during this bonus 1:1 time that Wills graciously gave him.   Wills comes back.  And yet DC Mike won’t leave.

Wills:  “Do me a favor: respect me. You’ve had your time with her. You’re now taking mine.” 

DC Mike:  “Please, can’t I get a few more minutes.” 
Wills: “I’m going to ask you, politely, to please get up.” 

And yet DC Mike still does not. Finally, FINALLY, Other Becca is like “DC Mike, I will come find you,” and that pries his butt off the sofa.

After Wills has and comes back from his 1:1 time, DC Mike then tries to pick a fight with Wills, who shuts him down LIKE A BOSS.

Wills: “I handled it the best way I could.  I am not attacking you.  I am not saying you disrespected me. I had only just sat down with Other Becca when you approached.”
DC Mike:  “It sounds like you guys are trying to get all defensive and now everyone is acting like a victim and” . . .  OMG. 
Wills, god love him, just gets up and walks away.  TEAM WILLS FOREVER. 

As promised, Other Becca grabs DC Mike for 1:1 time #3.  During which time he talks about the “old me” who “would have left” and the “new me” who “doesn’t want to.  We wonder when this sea change happened.  Other Becca is clearly unimpressed. But DC Mike is passionate that it will be her massive loss if she sends him home.   Garrett makes the comment that DC Mike is “spiraling out of control,” and we agree, even though we are deeply suspicious of Garrett still.

In any event, the rose ceremony finally happens.  Joining Colton and The Cowboy with roses are:

1. Garrett

 2. Jason YAY.

3. Wills.  YAYYAYAY.

4. Lincoln. 

5.  Kenny G.

6.  Connor.  Really?  Aaaand.

7.  DC Mike.  COME ON.

John goes home.  He cries and we feel bad for him.  

Stay tuned for next week, when DC Mike apparently says some terrible things and a bunch of men tell Other Becca that they love her.  In Richmond, Va.

- KLo