Other Becca Part 7: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

Here we are in the Bahamas for Other Becca Part 7, trying to care about the remaining men and wondering why she is wearing five inch tall Mary K pink lady heels with her skirt and black standard issue leotard top.   ABC gifts unto us a fireside chat with Chris Harrison, in which both express amazement that Other Becca has not yet visited the Bahamas with all the dollars she has earned and all the free time she has enjoyed during her first 27 years of life, the last full year of which she has spent on Bachelor franchise shows.  

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Wills is wearing a leopard print onesie.  As we gasp, Other Becca shows up in an equally confusing formal romper to announce to the men that this week will involve 3 one on one dates and a group date. 

First date is for Colton.   Babies, this Author Gives Neither Two Shits nor the Fart They Rode In On about Colton.   Though ABC does get a gold star for trying to make us care that (spoiler alert) He Is A Virgin.

We do not understand why Other Becca thinks Colton is a “bronze god.”  We equally do not understand her attraction to him or why either of them have an interest in doing “king of the world” poses from Titanic on the tip of a catamaran.  We are only slightly more interested in Other Becca’s orange swimsuit.

Back in the Ballet Days, it was A Thing to cut the legs and crotch out of tights in order to use the remaining elastic husk as a sports bra under one’s leotard. This was before gay men everywhere learned that one could still wear this footless, crotchless contraption as assless chaps and also, before the manufacturer of Other Becca’s swimsuit learned that she could sell the same thing as outer wear for $300.

We are so confused by this swimsuit, we can neither draw it nor take a photo.   Use your imagination, babies.

In any event, as Colton attempts to take the awkward plunge into his sexual history on national television (“I do not have the most experience when it comes to dating . .. ),  a man sputters up to them in a boat to announce that they are going to dive for “conch” and then eat its penis.

THIS. IS. NOT. HAPPENING.

Other Becca:  “I hope Colton dives deep for that conch.”  
Other Becca Again:  “There is SO MUCH CONCH.”

This Author:  [*drawinghoodieclosed*]

Once we all recover from witnessing Other Becca and Colton eat (literally) Fish Bits without vomiting, we all go to dinner.    

The big story here is, once again, Colton revealing his virginity during a conversation in which he both describes retaining his virginity as a “personal choice,” and also claims to be a victim of his life circumstances, in which he has chosen to focus on football instead of relationships.  The most interesting part of this entire dinner is watching Other Becca’s face as she mentally clicks through all of the questions she wants to ask -- but decides not to ask -- while the camera is rolling.  

Other Becca dramatically excuses herself from the dinner table, likely because a producer beckoned her to stand up so that they could film a moment where she stands awkwardly on a balcony looking at her feet.  Then she comes back to the table and gives Colton the rose.

Meh.  Colton.  MEH.

They kiss by a fountain.

The next date card is for Garrett. “Love is in the Air.”  This causes The Cowboy to burst into tears because Other Becca “HAS to know this is KILLING me.”  We like the Cowboy fine, but homeslice is starting to crack.

Once again, this Author is not excited because we fear Garrett is just dumb as soup.  This is only confirmed when he says their relationship is “taking off” as they fly away in a sea plane. 

 So Garrett and Other Becca fly to a private island, where they write their names in the sand, kiss in a swing, pee in the ocean, and where Garrett confides that it’s really nice to be on a 1:1 date because there isn’t always some guy tapping him on the shoulder for more time.  Other Becca becomes worried that Garrett has Inner Depths because he always “puts on such a positive, brave face,” and Garrett explains that he can count on 2 fingers the number of times he’s really been down in the dumps.

Suddenly, we are dinner, and Other Becca has made her dress out of a toilet paper roll.

Garrett explains the various family members that Other Becca will meet if she comes home with him next week, and he reveals that he has not dated seriously since his divorce because if anything reminds him of his past unhealthy relationship, he instantly cuts it off.  He says his ex-wife was “super hot headed” and would scream and yell, and he would just try to make it work.  Other Becca become somewhat concerned that Garrett would try to adapt himself to her.  

Then she gives him the rose and they disrobe and run into the ocean in their swimsuits.

We wish we were making this up.

Next up:  the last 1:1 date, with The Cowboy.  “You make my heart skip a beat,” says the card.  The Cowboy is super excited, but Wills, Kenny G, and Jason feel sick because it means that the three of them are going on the group date, where only one rose can be given out.

This date is basically one big kiss.  And it is not gross.  Except for the part when someone starts singing “WHO LETS THE DOGS OUT!”  and Other Becca carefully recites:  “I thought we would take a walk down the beach and go to a party where the band Baha Men is playing their new hit song, called Bumpa!”

Baha men:  “Shake your Bumpa.”
Other Becca:  [shaking all of the bumpas]
The Cowboy:  [twirling Other Becca like Rhythm-Is-A-Suggestion-Man from This Author’s Recent Ballroom Experience].

 Other Becca is glowing “from the inside out” and it is really true.  Also, there is A LOT of kissing. And still more kissing, and discussions about feeling “lucky” AND ALSO a revelation from Other Becca to the camera that she feels the “strongest for” the Cowboy.  Ooooo.

Meanwhile, what is happening here?

Lo, for the group date card has come for Wills, Jason, and Kenny G.  “These days are never easy,” it says.

Before we can digest this news or Kenny G, we dive back into Other Becca’s date with the Cowboy.  The two are now eating dinner, and he is revealing that this was the hardest week for him.  Other Becca says that she feels like the Cowboy “hanging in there says a lot about who he is.”  And this happens:

 Her: ‘I didn’t know you could move like that!  You keep surprising me!”
Him:  “I love surprising you!”

But then at dinner, we soften towards the Cowboy.  He reveals that his parents split up when his mom fell in love with one of his coaches and teachers while still married to the Cowboy’s dad.  This is legitimately a very rough thing, made only more so by the fact that he grew up in a small town and would frequently learn news about these circumstances from others who were not his parents because his family was terrible with communication.  So, from that experience he has learned that he does NOT want to have a family dynamic where people do not communicate when he gets married.  We believe him.   

Other Becca is sweet with the Cowboy.  The Cowboy tells her he loves her. There is a LOT MORE KISSING. Delicate piano music plays.  And, as Other Becca gives the Cowboy the rose, she tells the camera that she “just kind of knows” with him.

We are still holding out for the Dark Horse, Jason, but suspect The Cowboy will  be there in the end.

Finally, the group date is upon us. 

Again, what is happening?  

Also featured: The salmon shorts of rage:

So Jason, Wills, and Kenny G meet Other Becca on the beach, where they play volleyball and Other Becca describes each man to the camera.  Kenny G has untold depths.  Wills is “goofy and nerdy” like her.  And Jason is “positive.”

YEAH he is.  We love Jason, who is in the mid set of rejecting the dread of this date in favor of focusing on the prospect of bringing Other Becca home to meet his family.

ABC sends us through Rapid Fire 1:1s during this date.  First Wills is describing his parents, who have been married almost 50 years.  Then, Jason says he is sees happiness and laughter with Other Becca, and that he feels like that is special and he wants to keep it going.  TEAM JASON.

Kenny G, however, tries a different tack:  “The other men can offer her a nice lifestyle, but I can offer her LOVE.”  

Dear Kenny G, this is how Women hear what you just said: “You will have a hut that does not leak with those other men, but I will give you a beautiful fern frond and feed our babies on starlight.”

Needless to say, when Kenny G says that he needs more time with her to see where the relationship may go, he gets the axe.  “It would only be fair to you to not go back to your family.” 

She’s picking the water tight hut, Babies.

After revealing The Dumpage to the other men, Other Becca pulls a Melania and ensures that her coat forms a fortress against any handholding at dinner with the remaining two survivors.  But once again in 1:1 time, Jason knocks it out of the park by taking the pressure off her.  He says that going into their PRIOR date, he was praying for clarity as to whether he would want to take Other Becca home to meet his parents, and now he has that clarity and is just excited to articulate to his parents about what makes her special and them, as a couple, special.

Except we get nervous, because Jason is not telling Other Becca that he loves her yet explicitly, even though he is showing her in all the ways that count.  And yet this freaks Other Becca out, and she cautions him to be more vocal. 

While we worry about Jason, Other Becca is busy listening to Wills pour his heart out about loving her, and then dumping him (after an interlude).   Poor, poor Wills, who sits stunned with his head down and then has to endure Other Becca telling him that she “wasn’t there’ with him.   He staggers to the limo, drives for 2 minutes, and then asks to get out so he can cry off camera.  We are heart broken for Wills.

Jason, A Grown Man, Does Not Celebrate getting the rose but instead welcomes Other Becca back with a hug and a question to make sure she is okay.  Meanwhile, This Author, Who is Slightly Less Grown, Celebrates.

Stay tuned for next week, when we meet all of the families.  And also, Tia and Young Becca return.

-KLo