Other Becca Part Men Tell All: Nope.

Babies, we opened our laptop to slog through the Second Worst Episode After the Season Opener, a.k.a. “The Men Tell All,” saw this as the teaser image, and almost shut our laptop again.

We make pitiful eyes at our Husband, who is Doing Work Items Across A Crowded Room and therefore is unaware of the trauma being imposed on his wife through her ear muffs.

We begin with a plug for Bachelor in Paradise, which this Author will not be watching.  Highlights:

A.  Kendall.
B. The Potential for Coach Krystal and Puddy to get together.
C.   Puddy:  “I’m pretty sure I’ve got a pair of testicles and the prettiest girl on my arm.” 

Coach Krystal, gratuitously in the audience to discuss the upcoming show, describes it as “A lot of glitter and a lot of tears.”  Suspiciously absent from her voice is the Pfweeeeee present during Season Ari.

Now we welcome the men who have crawled out of a rock/been contractually obligated to appear here tonight:  Jake (who?), Christian (who?) Kamil (who?) Christon (who?), John the software guy, Jean Blanc, Joe the grocery store owner, Carlisle Cullin, Conner, Puddy, Dazed and Confused Mike, Chicken Man, Kenny G, Wills, Colton, and JASON.  YAYAYAYAY THE CROWD GOES WILD.

We begin on a tentatively positive note when Chris Harrison asks Jason to describe the first night, and Jason describes blacking out because Other Becca was so stunning and then forgetting everything he had to say.  This totally happens every time a man meets this Author. 

But then the next 20 minutes devolves into Pet Store Cacophony.  As the men chirp, bark, and hiss at each other regarding Tia/Colton, Jean Blanc confessing his love and taking it back, DC Mike losing his shit, and Puddy’s tendency to take off his clothes, we read Humans of New York, clip our nails, and contemplate a bedtime tea.

Chris Harrison: “Where do you start with this buffet?”

He starts with DC Mike going all Holding Out for a Hero crazy. 
CH: “Kenny G, what happened there?”
Kenny G:  “Well, Other Becca didn’t seek him out on a group date and DC Mike lost his F*ing mind.”  
DC Mike:  “Yeah, the wheels fell off.”

After more fighting amongst the group, we move on to Jean Blanc and his moment of “I love you.  Here is a special scent I made for you.  Oh wait, I don’t actually love you – I just said that because I thought its what you wanted to hear.”  As Jean Blanc attempts (unsuccessfully) to make himself sound like less of a Turd Burger, Colton keeps chirping in little barbs and indignant statements like a Sports Parent screaming through the fence.

Jean Blanc makes a slur regarding Colton’s virginity that The BNU will not repeat, and everyone wants to kill him.  Finally Jason speaks up, silencing the group with the obvious respect he has from all of them (TEAM JASON).  He says, “Here is the problem.  Love is a powerful emotion, and it should not be abused. And you abused it and that was a discredit to this group of men and to Other Becca.”

But we’re already on to the next scene, which is Colton and Puddy taking swings at each other, followed by Puddy and Chicken Man.  At some point, the following is uttered:

Puddy:  “I got billboards up in all their minds, baby! I should have worn a work vest!”

Now some random guy named Camille that did not make it past night 1 is saying that he has a real life day job as a banker, and only models as a hobby, and why can’t Puddy get a real job.  Puddy criticizes his capris length suit pants (fair point) and loafers, and the next 2 minutes are spent discussion about who else in the group of men is wearing socks . . . or not.

Chris Harrison gives Puddy the last word:
  “Camille, F--k you.”  He says.

This Author is Not Going to Survive this episode.

But now Puddy is talking about . . . we don’t really know. 

Puddy:   “You could put me in a box and I would have a great time. There is not one person in this room who is more confident than me.”   Ok, Donald J.
Puddy Again: “Well you know, when you are driving a rolls Royce, you are going to periodically roll the windows down and say hello to people.”
Wills:  “WHAT?”
Jason:  Hahahahaha.

Puddy is apparently the Rolls Royce in this story.

Also, he is wearing the golden underwear.

Next, we hear from Grocery Joe, who also got kicked off night 1 but apparently made an impression with “Bachelor Nation” that carried on via the interwebs for weeks thereafter.  He makes an impression with this Author for his honesty:

Chris Harrison:  “Tell me how your experience was on the show?”
Grocery Joe:  “It was pretty bad.  I went home.  Like, right away.” 

As The Harrison reads tweets from viewers about Grocery Joe, he says “Um, that’s nice.”
And then, growing exasperated with Joe’s lack of panache, Chris Harrison finally says “You are a man of few words aren’t you?”
Grocery Joe:  “Nah, I talk a lot but here with all these cameras. . . .um, what do you want to know?”
CH:  “Are you still single?”
Grocery Joe:  “Well, I’m going to be on Bachelor in Paradise so you gotta wait and see.”

Damn.  He almost made it through without demonstrating poor judgment.

After Grocery Store Joe, Wills takes the “hot seat.”  He talks about his “journey,” and we feel bad for him because he felt All of the Feelings.  Chris Harrison asks him about his fashion sense also, and we love him for his throw back to his family:

Wills:  “My dad used to be a bit of a peacock growing up.  But you just have to be confident in yourself and try things out.”

Less interestingly, ABC next walks us through Colton’s “journey,” including the big fat dump.  He starts to tear up when he talks about the cheap shots being thrown at him for his virginity (Jean Blanc, the turd), and everyone says that they “respect” and “see” him.   This Author personally wants to throw a tomato at every person who claims to “see” her so we can imagine how this goes over with Colton in his mind.

Finally, FINALLY, we have Jason.  We don’t know what to say about Jason, who sheds a tear as he watches his relationship with Other Becca back, tells the audience that he connected on every level with her, further tells the audience that they are “sweet” for supporting him, and says he hopes he can maintain a friendship with Other Becca going forward.

THIS GUY.   As Chris Harrison tentatively says “your brother. . .” Jason jumps in:  “Love is Love is Love, and it does not matter to me if you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender – I look up to my brother and his relationship and . . .”
Chris Harrison cuts him off: “It’s good to have clarification on that.”

WTF.

Jason is too good for this show, also because of this:

Chris Harrison: “So what’s up with you being dubbed the best kisser by Other Becca?  Any tips?”
Jason:  “Well, remember she forgot my name, right?  After I kissed her, she didn’t forget my name!”

Hahahaha.

At last Other Becca comes out.  Jason blows her a kiss and we swoon.  She tells him that he is amazing and they hug and he is a gentleman and we swoon again.  We equally swoon when he reveals that his mother texts him the throw-up emoji every time she hears that her son is a good kisser.

Uninterestingly, we discuss the “Tia Situation” and Colton’s virginity, Wills weirdly said that Other Becca “healed” him, and Jean Blanc is awkward:
Jean Blanc:  You look and smell amazing.”
Other Becca:  “Yeah, it’s not your perfume” (ahahaha).
Jean Blanc:  [insert awkward apology].
Jean Blanc:  [gives Other Becca ANOTHER perfume.]
Jason:  [head in hands].

After some back and forth about Puddy being “funny” and some crap about kicking out Grocery Store Joe on the first night, Dazed and Confused Mike is given the floor.  He apologizes for “multiple occasions” of “feeling entitled” and “losing control” and “letting his insecurities take over.” And then brings out a gospel choir to sing “DC Mike was a jerk.”

We end with bloopers.  The best one is Chris Harrison asking some little girl at the infamous “Virginia Debate” episode how old she is (12), and then telling her she needs to stay in school because she is about to see what happens when you drop out.

Truth.

KLo.