Other Becca Part 8: But To Me, It Isn't Ooooover

We missed the beginning of Other Becca Part 8 but it really does not matter because it is the date with Garrett in his hometown and brain cells and soup and meh. 

Once this Tiny Author took a boy home to meet her parents.  He was a ballet dancer that wore a key chain with 1,000 keys on his butt pocket.  Our Elder Sister was horrified.  We were more horrified by the cologne drenched mementos which subsequently arrived to our college dorm and which we would gently unpack to a steady stream of awkward commentary from our roommate who would inevitably be shaving her legs with an electric razor on her little twin bed.

But we digress.

Let’s talk about Garrett’s family.  Other Becca is worried that they will be unwelcoming.  We feel this is fair considering that she is wearing a formal shorts romper.  However, they (the family, not the shorts) are quite nice. 

We meet a brother, a sister, various assembled spouses of same, and parents.  Garrett’s sister immediately takes Garrett away for a chat and begins to cry as she confesses that his last serious relationship (marriage) was so hard that she watched it change his personality and suck the life out of him.   Dad says the same thing to Other Becca during their 1:1:  “I watched that boy who has been so positive his entire life be beaten down.”   Babies, This Is A Real Thing and we feel bad for all involved.

The dad requests that Other Becca cut Garett loose if he’s not the one.  His mom later says that it is gut wrenching when you cannot protect your child, and she could not protect him when he was going through his divorce.   To Garrett, mom wants to know if he is going to be able to bounce back if this does not work out, and he says yes because he is putting everything Out There.  So if it does not happen, then it was not meant to be.  Hm.

We like Garrett’s family.  We are less enthused about Garrett, who kisses Other Becca on a random stoop and meh.

Next up:  Buffalo NY with Jason.  YAY TEAM JASON YAY.

Another time, this Author brought a hockey player home to meet the family.  For years thereafter, this Author’s parents would pay him to mow the lawn when they were out of town Instead Of This Tiny Author, who Was Not Trusted With Giant Lawn Implements.

In any event, Jason takes Other Becca to a Buffalo Wings Bar and this is how we know both of them are definitely under 30 years old.  Because buffalo chicken wings = flames, regret, and eye watering closed car window apologies over age 30. 

We nod our head wisely as Other Becca and Jason engage in a wing eating competition with five more people who are WAY more serious about this wing eating thing than they are.

After the wingsplosion, Jason takes Other Becca to a hockey rink.  In which we learn that Jason grew up playing hockey.  WHAT?  Be still Our Hearts (All of Us).  Jason shows off his hockey moves, we swoon a little, and he kisses other Becca in a Not Gross Way.  Jason also tells Other Becca about his family, including a brother who met his husband when both were working at Apple in NYC and basically have this fantastic relationship that Jason really looks up to. 

Now we know that Jason is both too good for, and ALSO too progressive for, this show.  He is also concerned because he has not been vocal enough about his Feelings of Emotion and Other Items for Other Becca. Uh oh. 

Off we go to meet the parents and bro plus husband.  We love this family.  Basically the theme of the evening is that Jason is reserved and guards himself closely for Unknown Reasons.  But his family observes him to be super happy, and mom says that he is a committed person and will make commitment for life.  Brother warns Jason, however, that he is ‘running out of runway’ to tell Other Becca how he feels. 

And so he does.  And it is so sweet.  And also, we are conflicted because we both want Other Becca to Pick Jason and also want Jason to be Cut Free to find his sweet nerdy love-is-love soul mate elsewhere.  We hope she can convince him to stop slicking back his curls.

Enter Hometown Date #3 with the Cowboy, in Colorado.

One time this Author brought An Older Man home to meet the parents.  Not intentionally.  It just sort of happened.  He was sneaky like that.  We also brought A Younger Man home once who called us Matlock. 

Other Becca reveals to Us All (via the Camera) that she “reciprocates” his feelings of love but has not yet told him.  We wonder if she should maybe hold off on that further because the Cowboy decides that the best way to tell her about himself is to take her back to high school.  Which was “huge” for him.

That’s right, babies.  The Scene Of All Your Awkward Moments was the Best Time of the Cowboy’s Life.

And he still visits regularly.

Including this visit, in which The Cowboy has lined up various random coaches and teachers to pop out of trophy walls, study halls, and curio cabinets to shake hands.  We cannot believe the Cowboy is That Guy Who Still Wishes He Was in High School but somehow it also all makes sense now.

So The Cowboy takes Other Becca to the library, where he then reveals that his school dealt with a school shooting his senior year of high school, in which one student lost her life.  Gentle Readers, we are now at the age where we are enough years post-Columbine and school shootings are so normalized that a contestant on the Bachelor is describing this.  Let’s just sit with that a minute.

But before our rage simmereth over, the Cowboy whisks All of Us away to the auditorium, where Other Becca’s favorite singer, Betty Who, is playing.  We are both intrigued that Betty Who is her favorite, and also impressed that The Cowboy allegedly coordinated all of this on his own.

At last, we meet the family.  The theme through this entire visit is that the Cowboy suffered some massive heart break recently, and everyone worries it will happen again.  We must have been asleep at the wheel because we have zero recollection of this.

While we scratch our heads, OB says she can see The Cowboy in her life forever, he tells her he loves her, they kiss, music inspired by the romanticized version of mountain climbing plays.

For the last date, we bounce elsewhere in Colorado for Colton’s hometown date.  Other Becca tells us all that once she got “past’ the fact that he was dating her friend Tia, they “worked through it” and bonded. 

What?

This date is just so. . .  Meh.  We don't even have a lifetime story to tell in commiseration. 

Colton takes Other Becca shopping and then to the children’s hospital where it is very clear that the parents of only one of the two children present has given their permission to show their child’s face.  So we see a lot of Kailey and a lot of Kaleb’s back. 

Meanwhile, Colton declares that Other Becca “has a natural motherly feel,” that can’t be “learned.”  

We hate him.  We would also like to report that we have a natural motherly feel and it is mainly because we like wine and chocolate.  A lot.

While This Author is thinking about chocolate, Colton reveals that he has not brought a “girl” home in a “formal setting ever.”  We deduct 10 points for calling OB a girl.

We are bored with this date, so the salient points are that he has decided to introduce Other Becca to 18 family members, including siblings and cousins.  The dad points out that Other Becca knows a lot about Colton but that Colton does not know a lot about Other Becca (specifically, her break up with Ari), and requests that she cut him loose if she is not serious.  Colton tells mom that he loves Other Becca.  He also tells Other Becca.  She feels “so special.” They kiss.

End scene.

Attempting to spice things up, ABC brings the Greek Chorus back for an encore:  Young B, Kendall, Sienne, Tia, and Hairy Eyeball Lady (Carolyn?) from Season Ari.  They circle the wagons around a liter of mimosas as Other Becca breathlessly recounts her dates and reveals that Jason is the Best Kisser Ever. 

Of course he is.   Because TEAM JASON.

But all of this is really just an excuse for Tia to ask Other Becca for a private conversation, where Tia Takes Back everything that she said about being “cool” about Other Becca being with Colton.  Really Tia, REALLY?

Other Becca: ‘Well shit, I wish I would have known that.”

We are not impressed with Tia for this particular stunt.  However, we also suspect that it has sealed Colton’s fate.  Let’s see if we are right . . .

In the final minutes, the rose ceremony takes place.  Other Becca is wearing a dress precariously secured by a sequined choker.  Meanwhile,  the Cowboy looks like he just took This Author’s ticket at the movie theater:

 In any event, Colton is the last to arrive and anxiously asks Chris Harrison about what happens in the fantasy suite as he comes up the stairs.  Really.  Chris Harrison is like “Well, you don’t have to be intimate in there.  It’s how you choose to handle it.  As consenting adults.”

Finally, Other Becca comes out and begins to speak: 

Other Becca:  “This. Is. Gutwrench. Andithasbeen.  Weighing. Onme. All. Day.”
This Author’s Husband (unplugging an ear muff for one second): “Is she speaking English?”

And she picks:

1.  The Cowboy.

2. Jason.  AAAAAAND.

3.  Garrett.

Colton GETS. THE. AXE.  He is stunned.  She feels like crap.  He feels like crap.  Everyone feels like crap, but not so much that she can’t come back and announce to the remaining survivors that they are going to Thailand next week.

Stay tuned.  We hear that everybody tells Other Becca that they love her, and she “does to [some guy] what Arie did to her.”  Oooo.

KLo