Dolton Part 2: Sherri Ann for President

Babies, we got seriously buried under Work Items this week. So it is with bleary eyes that This Tiny Author has elected to write this love note to you all on a Monday morning about Events That Occurred Seven Days Ago rather than Do A Yoga.  See how we place The Greater Good above Our Own?

Except we are not sure that Dolton Part 2 is for said G. Good because ABC has started confessional self-filming.  That’s right.  Dolton is Blair Witching us from bed, talking about how he is going to take his first group date women to a theater to “tell stories of our firsts.”

Babies, this Author’s video chat experience takes a Somewhat Different Path these days:

SKu:  “So, fun coffee?”
KLo:  “We would LOVE a fun coff. . . omg, look at my old lady neck.  This video thing is horrible. “
SHg:  “See my puppy in the snow! There she goes! Baby girl!”
SKu:  “Um, coffee???”

See what you have to look forward too, Dolton, once the dew wears off?

But anyway, Here We Go.   The women are preparing for the date. After squeals and a general discussion of This Author’s Favorite Word To Hate, that being “smitten,” Demi is all “as soon as you talk to the Dolt, you develop feelings for him!!”  Whatever, Dinky.

First date card comes for:  Dinky, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Anna, Nicole, Onyeka, various other people that we have lost track of, and . . . Sherri Ann Cabot, who has forgotten her tops.

The ladies pop champagne in a stretch truck and now they are at a theater.  Aaaaand . .  .  suddenly here is Nick Offerman and Megan Mullaney, who we LOVE and these women basically have no idea who they are.  MM and NO proceed to make this as awkward as possible for Our Intrepid Contestants (“this is a story of the first time I plucked a blossom of a woman”) and it is also fabulously awkward.  

Except what is happening here:  

Somehow, the teenage daughter of our friend LGi has made it onto this show and is now standing beside Bad Influences.  

So the goal of this little event is to tell stories of firsts in order to “let Colton know who we are.”

Woman: ‘I am going to show him the part of me that is kinda smart.” 

After a period to “journal,” during which Hannah who needed guidance in episode 1 once again seeks guidance and encouragement from Dolton to Be Herself in this episode, we are ready to go.

First up: Dolton.   He “speaks his truth” about being a virgin and we grow tired. Next, Elyse the Elderly talks about being 31 and dating people 13 years her senior.  So, her “first” is dating someone younger.  #sobrave.    Dinky, in her monotone, age shames Elyse: “There is no advantage to being older here.” We hate her.

 Blah blah Nicole draws on her Hispanic background to make a joke about white bread, Hannah tells the story of receiving the first impression rose, and Bri tells the story of the first time she felt comfortable in her skin and now we know they are all lying because none of them do.

Sheri Ann, god bless her, thinks the OTHER women are a little . . . aggressive in their “presentation” on this date.

Onyeka picks an unnecessary fight by repeating the Only Funny Once story about the first time she “saved” Colton from “drowning in some bitches.” This causes Sherri Ann to declare that she’s a “good swimmer,” shout an expletive, and attempt to drop the mike.  

Tracy, who is also “older” at 31, also talks about when she ‘tried to date a virgin” for the first time, which just makes her sound gross, and then Dinky gets up to tell her story.   

This Story is going to Blow. Our. Minds.

Dinky “can’t wait to make this crowd fall in love with me.” 

Some might say it is Yuge.

So, Dinky’s story is about meeting a guy at a party and really liking him but being scared to kiss him and GUESS WHAT that man is Colton and DOUBLE GUESS WHAT she kisses him now.  Dinky’s all, “that is the story of how I got the first group date rose.”   Tracy, who just told the tackiest story of the night, huffs off about how she wants to be “respectful and establish a connection,” before approaching the Dolt for a kiss.

Now we go to the cocktail party and someone is wearing thigh high boots.  It must be that lawyer our sister SHa saw in court.  True story.  

Dinky is wearing another lampshade, which we think is purple, and she immediately grabs Dolton for some 1:1 time.   In her monotone, she tells the audience that Dolton needs a “confident” woman who can tell him what to do, tells everyone that Dolton “loved my confidence,” and picks up the group date rose and tells the rest of the women “this is mine!”  And then laughs like a goose.

Tracy the 31 year old becomes terribly upset about Dinky’s Affront to the Sacred Group Date Rose.

Meanwhile, this is happening: 

Dolton to Elyse: “Hearing you talk about your 20s, that was sooo sexy!!”
Dolton again: “ I really wouldn’t be here right now if I had it all figured out.”

AHAHAHAHAHA.  Also,  no shit.

Dolton to Elyse again: “Your old age intrigues me.  I could learn a thing or two from you.”

She is THIRTY ONE.  31.  Three.  One.  We have no words.

While this is happening, Tracy is trying to enlist Onyeka to support her Sneaky Hate Spiral over Dinky picking up the rose.   Dinky, concurrently, is being her usual self:

Ridiculously, Tracy decides to “confront” Dinky about how she picked up the group date rose and “set her straight.”  We cannot believe this is happening.

Eventually, Elyse gets the first impression rose for being brave about her age.  Dinky is going to cut a bitch. And Nicole, who had previously opened up about her autistic twin brother, actually starts CRYING.

Good lord.

While all of this has gone down, the next date card came for Miss Alabama.  “True Love is on the Horizon.”  Miss Alabama is delighted because this date will occur on her birthday.

We only feel one emotion during this date:  Sad.  Miss Alabama, newly minted Age 24, tells the camera that if she feels like things aren’t perfect, then she thinks she is horrible.  She goes on a self-doubting spiral from which she cannot recover.  And basically, she is so completely lost as a human being within her own skin that we want to give her a sandwich and a few weeks in the boundary waters so that she can practice failing.

 This date goes about as well as you can imagine for someone afraid of her shadow.  The Dolt is “incredibly attracted” to her “pretty eyes” and also “white teeth.”  As Miss Alabama rides off with him in a jeep, she has no conversation.  We learn later she has never ridden a horse, neither ever nor to a hot tub in the middle of the wilds (the plan for the day).

Miss Alabama panics when Colton asks her to give a toast for the day.  After 2 minutes of completely awkward silence, she says: “Let’s put a bunch of words together that sound good . . . so my birthday and . . .Roll Tide!”

Colton:  “This date is not going as expected.”

They literally go to the Titanic for dinner. 

Colton:  “Oh look at this!  We are on the deck of a ship!  For Dinner.”
Miss Alabama: [blink blink].

Colton encourages her to open up.  So she does by . . . interrogating him about his virginity.  And then she tells him “everything,” which basically means telling him she is a “hot mess.”  This somehow makes Colton give Miss Alabama the date rose because, showing his age, he still wants to keep the pretty ones with no conversation around.

But trouble is brewing, as Miss Carolina (back at home) reveals that she and Miss Alabama roomed together and there were Dark Feelings and Miss Alabama has a façade and can flip a switch.  Oooo.

At last, the final date card has come for . . . (cue a freak out by Heather: Occupation Never Been Kissed) . . .Alex, Erika, Katie, Miss North Carolina, Sidney, Mina, Kirpa, Courtney, Kathy, and Heather:  ONBK.  This Author probably made up some of those names and also, missed some women.

The card reads: “I camp fight this feeling any more.” 

BABIES.  WE ARE GOING TO CAMP.  It’s like this Author’s second home.

Except this is called “Camp Bachelor” and every single woman is wearing leggings as pants. 

When this author was a camper, we wore the cuff of a teal tube sock underneath our watch because we thought it looked cool.  Also, a hat with betty boop on it.  And also, really thick glasses.  We were fabulous.

There is some sort of competition, where the winning team gets to stay and sleep under the stars and the losing team goes home.  Heather: Occupation Never Been Kisssed is like “who knows what will happen?!?”  What will happen is that someone is going to the boat house to get some. 

Billy Eichner (comedic relief for this portion of this terrible episode) rightly observes that he is super glad that Colton is using the right criteria to choose who to sleep with:  an egg relay, three legged race, canoeing, and tug of war.

The red team wins.  Yellow goes home and Alex:  Occupation Dog Walker  is NOT happy.

The big takeaway on this date is that Heather:  Occupation NBK reveals to Colton that she is a virgin and has never kissed anyone, and he just sort of says “that’s really brave,” says she “knows her self worth,” and pats her on the head.  Toast.

 Yet somehow, she gets the group date rose.   Weirdly, this date then sort of ends.

One hard edit later, we are at the Rose Ceremony and the Dolt is displaying his conversational skills:

Miss NC:  “I had encephalitis when I was 2 and nearly died.”
Dolt:  “I know you were young, but that must have really given you new insight.”

HAHAHAH.

Dinky, meanwhile, is crowing about being “five steps ahead of the older girls” and we hate her with the fire of a thousand suns.   Dinky, may you be so lucky as to survive into old age because some of your friends will not.

While our rage towards Dinky is burning bright, a caterer in a grey drape is telling Dolton that while she is 23 years old, she is also the oldest of 5 and ready to start a family.  She sells herself hard and we tune it out.   More interesting is Sydney, the NBA dancer who could kill us with a shoe.  Lo, for she is Nervous Tonight because the Sacrifice She Made will not be worth it if she goes home tonight.  

Then Onyeka, who needs to leave already, blows an air horn in Colton’s ear and says she’s being “horny” tonight, interrupting the NBA dancer’s time with him.   So Sidney/Sydney retaliates by beating a kitchen pan like a drum during Onyeka’s time. 

 We want to burn this entire house down, especially after Tracy Age 31 melts down in tears because Dinky, in a bathrobe, takes Colton upstairs for a massage in her “fantasy closet.”   Dinky then goes to talk to Tracy, which is basically just making nice even though she doesn’t mean it, and we are sad that Tracy has so little regard for herself that she is upset about losing a guy who is so immature he cannot handle this situation.

Some woman, for all of us: “Does she not have parents??”

Finally, it is time for the Rose Ceremony.  To join, Elyse, Miss Alabama, and Heather:  Occupation Never Been Kissed with Roses, he picks (some of these names may be made up):  

1. Tish? Who is that?

2. Cassie

3. Miss North Carolina.

4. Courtney

5. Dinky.  Nooooo.

6. Nicole

7. Kirpa

8. Hannah that needs reassurance

9. OMG Leslie Ann Cabot

10. Bri the Model

11. Sydney who will kill you with her shoe

12. Onyeka.  Seriously? 

13. Katie (???)

14. Miss North Carolina again? We screwed up somewhere in here.  

15. Nina, aaaaand

16. Tracy.

SO, going home are some people we don’t know.  Right, Angelique and Alex and Annie some financial associate.

Stay tuned for, well, tonight when someone says they are a “smitten kitten” and they are dead to us forever.

-KLo