Big Daddy/Molly Wedding: A Haiku

Blame it on the rain.
Molly who will not age well.
Stephanie!! PINK KITTY.

That is all.

El Piloto Part Finale: Left Siders

Babies, we are free at last (thank god almighty). Well, almost. As PMu lights the Tea Lights of Mourning, we prepare ourselves for the Finale of El Piloto in Lousy Jelly a/k/a La Jalouse Bay, St. Lucia. We don't think we're ready for this jelly.

Oh here is El Piloto, walking the water in his linens, thinking of how he is "so in love" with two "girls." TenAriel is "perfect," but he's trying to pick it apart because she is "too perfect." "Yes," says ABe, "the day I took her to that plantation was real special." Le Sausage, on the other hand, is "white hot." Some might say "sizzlin."

At any rate, there is no better way to Learn His True Feelings than from a visit with the Flying J's family, so suddenly we are hugging it out with mom Sallie, sisters in law Lindsay and Laura, and several unnamed men. Lindsay, gentle readers, knows she's on camera. "I have fallen in love with both girls," El Piloto says. "Both of them make me laugh." Lindsay smiles, throwing her head back in silent mirth. "But, one of them doesn't get along with the other girls," El Piloto continues. Lindsey purses her lips, nodding solemnly. Lindsay is making ABe crazy. Sallie becomes concerned, and tells her son (like everyone has told him all season long) that someone not getting along with eeeeeeveryone else may indicate there is a problem. El Piloto instantly regrets that he has "formed his family's opinion" against Le S.

It is fortunate, then, that TenAriel shows up in a 5 year old's pinafore. According to Jacques, TenAriel is "great! She's got a lot of life experience. She's 25 years old."
"Don't those two sentences cancel each other out?" wonders KMu.

TenAriel is "just gonna be me. And that's all that I can be!" And then she's gonna be . . .where the people are. She's gonna see, gonna see them dancin. And the family loves her. Lindsay wonders how TenAriel knew she was in love with the Flying J, and TenAriel gushes about "his character" and something about "living with his characteristics." And the Iraq. During 1:1 time with mom Sallie, she asks TenAriel how she handles family conflict. According to TenAriel, "This is hard for me to share. Um, I was married. [WHAT? TENARIEL WAS MARRIED?] But I want to be one man's wife. I won't ever give up." We are not quite sure how that answers the question, but everyone is crying, so she must be doing fine, particularly after she makes El Piloto's dad cry twice as well. We are mostly interested in Sallie's necklace, which is like chicklets on a string. And also, sister-in-law Laura has shellaqued a Chips A'Hoy-Chunks cookie and is wearing it around her neck. She is taunting us, we who have learned the number, size, and variety of mini candy bars in the basket outside our office within the last week but are now trying to Turn Over A New Leaf. Damn her.

Blah blah this family time ends with El Piloto trying to convince himself that he is spontaneous with TenAriel by jumping in the pool to make out, followed by the rest of the family.

So here we are with Le Sausage, who has come bearing fruit. Something about sweet and savory, we guess. El Piloto is all solicitious of her, sitting outside on a bench to make sure she is mentally prepared before going in to meet the family. When they finally do, we are horrified by Sallie's friendship-bracelet dress, but loving that Sallie and the sisters-in-law Do Not Mess Around. "SO, have you ever been out of the country?" wonders Laura. And "did all the girls hate you?" asks Sallie. Le Sausage is going down in flames, nervously giggling about how the other girls couldn't stand her. Laura comments to the camera that Le Sausage doesn't have a "lot of class" in the manner she is discussing such things. But Go Meat does not salvage things at dinner:
Laura: "So, why do you think you have trouble with the other girls in the group?"
Le Sausage: [ignoring the question with a smirk, continues to eat].
Sallie: "So . . . . anyway . . .. "
Le Sausage: [finally] "Because I am brutally honest."
Laura: "Do you think I'm pretty?"
Le Sausage: "yes."
Laura: "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?"
Le Sausage: "A little bit."
GASP. We hide underneath ABe and KMu as Sallie immediately hauls El Piloto off to "have a moment." Le Sausage, says Sallie "is not connecting with our family." She has concerns, she is point blank about them, and we love her for it. El Piloto says something lame about how the other girls just didn't like her because she tended to "poke at" them, and Sallie says: "What makes you think she wouldn't poke at the sisters in law, and eventually at you?" El Piloto is all uncomfortable, but we are waving our Sallie banner high. But then there is this:
"My mom has clearly formed an opinion of Le Sausage BECAUSE OF ME."

We now know who is holding down the left side of the bell curve, my babies. We have El Piloto's number, and it isn't 80%. He is a bona fide Left Sider. Represent.

Blah blah, the unnamed brothers try to stage an intervention, telling El Piloto that they're not so sure Le Sausage's "brutal honesty" schtick isn't just an immature defense mechanism. But, a change is coming over the women-folk. Laura and Linsay are giving Le Sausage time to redeem herself by inviting her to say something, ANYTHING nice about the other women she met on this "journey. " Le Sausage is failing even this softball challenge, criticizing TenAriel for having no opinions . . . and yet the sisters-in-law are starting to say things about having "misjudged" her. No no NO!!!! And then Sallie caves!!! Even as Le Sausage is answering Sallie's questions in the most insipid way, Sallie is deciding that she may not be so bad after all. How is this happening?!?!? AND EVEN WHEN LE SAUSAGE INSULTS THE FAMILY, ahem, tells them "yeah, not so much" about the welcomey-ness of their attitude towards her as they say goodbye, the family LAUGHS IT OFF. wtf. We are disappointed.

We are so heartbroken we almost cannot go on to El Piloto's final date with Le Sausage in the sulfer springs. "OMG, they are having a date in a quarry! This is where people go to dump the bodies," concludes KMu. We conclude that this Cannot Be Happening as El Piloto and Le Sausage grease each other up in smelly silt and she writes "I love you" on his chest . . . followed by some sort of "rinse down" in another pool of water, while drinking champagne. "I would be lyin' if I told you that I didn't enjoy covering you in mud," says El Piloto. EW.

One time, we jello-wrestled. While we won our round, it was not without the conclusion that Jello Wrestling is a Dangerous Sport and also, that jello is very difficult to get out of one's 10,000 parts once dry. We secretly hope that Le Sausage and El Piloto share this experience with us (and that it is the ONLY experience we share. ever.), and that it dissuades them from doing anything that we will not be able to blot from our memories later on in this date.

But Le Sausage is unmerciful. As we prepare ourselves for the "dinner" part of this date, Le Sausage is removing her promise ring and slipping it over a piece of parchment paper that reads:
"From the moment I met you, I knew you were the type of man I could spend the rest of my life with. [with whom. RAGE]. Sitting here after this unbelievable journey [everybody drink], I am certain of it. I am ready to take this ring off and give you my heart. Lets take another leap of faith together. I love you, Vienna." Noooooooooooooooooooo. And then Le Sausage is crying about how she is "so scared," and El Piloto is patting her hair extensions and muttering something about it being the last date . . . . on this journey."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So moving along, here we are with TenAriel on a chartered yacht called "Kingdom." She is feeling "very in love" and just wants to "play with El Piloto all day." What she chooses to do is her business, but we would rather not see that. We whisper "Thy Kingdom come," to ourselves as El Piloto lifts her into the yacht. Blah blah snorkeling. And then: crisis. El Piloto selects post-snorkeling sunset to announce (to the camera) that he cannot forget the "firey physical connection" he has with Le Sausage and (to TenAriel) that he feels a strong emotional connection to her, but isn't sure about a strong physical connection. Though he doesn't mean "sexual," he is quick to point out. "Um, what is the difference between physical and sexual?" asks TenAriel, who is hurt because she felt like they had a good connection.
"It just means that Le Sausage let him [BLEEEEEEP]," says PMu.
Of course, El Piloto cannot articulate himself, so we all know PMu is right. TenAriel is heartbroken, but we are unsurprised [see, supra, Left Sider].

Dinner is a painful affair. El Piloto is all worried that he botched things up on the boat (ya think?), and only makes it worse by saying, essentially, that TenAriel is the hot girl's ugly friend. "Um, I love your smile. And your eyes. And the way you are so honest, and so positive. I feel like I can be honest with you." As TenAriel is being all supportive with her "I want to listen to you and help you walk through these things in life," we are screaming that he still has not answered her question regarding the difference between physical and sexual chemistry, and KMu is epiphanizing that El Piloto is a weenie tot who doesn't want to lead -- he wants to be told what to do like all the other men in his family, and the fact that TenAriel wants him to guide her spells Disaster.

And then she gives him a Shadow Box filled with photos, seashells, and inspirational quotes. She is dead to us. We hate a shadow box.

At last the day is upon us: TenAriel has chosen to spend it eating fruit and drinking coffee in a bikini (diebitchdie). Le Sausage has chosen to spend it looking thoughtfully across with water sans underwear. El Piloto has chosen to spend it picking out two rings, instead of one, because he still supposedly hasn't made up his mind even though we all know it is going to be Le Sausage. And then everyone is getting ready, El Piloto is standing nervously on a rocky outcropping, waiting for the ladies to arrive by helicopter, and Le Sausage is wearing the Ugliest Dress Ever. Why hello, Lady Liberty. It is mossy teal. It is off the shoulder. We are scrambling to get her a book and a torch and a pointy crown made of spongey material when the first helicopter touches down and it is . . . . TenAriel. We repeat, for the 10th time this episode, noooooooooooo!!!

Blah blah voice overs of all their prior comments about each other as TenAriel walks towards El Piloto. She is giddy. Joyful. Looking forward to the "first day of the rest of my life." Yes, TenAriel, you do indeed have that to look forward to once you unload this barnacle. And he dumps her: "You have such a nice smile. Similar values. Positivity. And I do love you. You are just perfect. But, I don't know what it is, but something feels forced." GAH. She says a number of gracious things, and then he makes her walk down 100 steps in high heels to Chris Harrison, who makes her walk down another 100 steps to the road. We are sad for TenAriel, even though we are looking forward to a Spring without her tiny little tea leaf voice.

And up comes Le Sausage, who is *trying* to look anxious but totally must know what is happening because must have seen TenAriel's helicopter touch down first. So, Le Sausage starts talking frantically: "I'mcompletelyinlovewithyou. Ican'tseeyounotbeinginmylife." And El Piloto gives her back her promise ring! And we get all excited thinking that maybe he is dumping her too!!! And then: "But there's something else you should have . . . " and he proposes. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. We are on the wings of love and we DO NOT WANT TO BE. We do not want to see the montage of these people's smarmy moments throughout time.

We are disgruntled. And we are NOT prepared for the "After the Final Rose" episode, which airs immediately afterwards.

So here we are with TenAriel AGAIN, having just watched her being dumped 5 minutes before, reliving the dumping as CHris Harrison wants her to describe what it was "like that day." She says all the same things and we see all the same photo clips, so we will simply say this: WTF, TenAriel, have you done with Le Sausage's Lady Liberty dress? It's become a long-sleeved pirate shirt on one side, sleeveless on the other, and a tube skirt down below. It is heinous. Next up: the woman in the audience with a turtle neck underneath a sundress YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. We focus on the clothing and try to breathe through TenAriel's reiteration of her heartbreak, confrontation of El Piloto when he skulks out from behind the curtains, and disclosure that El Piloto is now going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Yes, yes, just in case we were all wondering if El Piloto was really trying to find true love or just a new career, El Piloto will begin round 3 of ABC franchised-shows this spring. With, of course, Le Sausage sitting in the audience to cheer him on.

Finally, TenAriel escapes into relative anonymity as El Piloto declares his joy and happiness with the outcome of the show. He has "never had so much heat" in a relationship as he does with Le Sausage, though he simultaneously says that his mistake in past relationships was focusing on the physical chemistry and not anything else. Blah blah this is so boring we keep forgetting to pay attention until Le Sausage comes out in a hot pink racerback dress . . . worn backwards. Though not as fugly as TenAriel's one-armed wonder, we are now in a bad mood. Yes, the tabloids have been cruel. No, all of it is a lie (even the parts with pictures). Yes, Le Sausage is moving to Dallas "right away" -- and why not, since she DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. They have not set a date yet for the wedding, but that does not stop Jeffrey Osborne from coming out of the woodwork to sing "On the Wings Of Love" live! While they dance and kiss like in 8th grade!!!

We are seriously annoyed.

And it will not get better, for . . .. . Ali comes out on stage. And, gentle readers, she will be the next Bachelorette starting this May. We only hope her grandma makes an appearance.

Thank you, my dears, for sticking with the BNU through this terrible season. While we cannot squeeze blood from the lump of coal that was Season El Piloto, we raise our Sutter-Home mini-bottle and salute your tenacity.

See you in May.
KLo