Other Becca Part 1: Pearls For Mrs. Rogers

Babies, as we dusted ourselves off for the BNU premier, we were ashamed to admit that an argument outline had taken up residency on our BNU-designated note-taking space.  And yet, hearing “let’s do the damn thing!” made our finger hover over “delete.”  This will surely be a Painful Interlude in Our Lives.

And just like that, BOOM, we are watching Other Becca with tears hanging off her nose, looking at photos of Ari post-break-up, and . . .  dear baby jesus who is this other woman and what is going on with her hair. 

Apparently, Other Becca has a sister that we somehow missed last season.  And also, her hair is three fourths of a circle of wild frizzled abandon and we love it.  But as Other Becca stares soulfully into the distance and says, ““I’m just your normal average girl.  All I did was get my heart broken on tv!,” We would love a drink as well.

 What follows are scenes we shall someday write without watching the episode, just to see if we can do it. 

A.  Becca is driving ABC’s hot car.  She is “so excited” to meet the “guys.”  But also, “so nervous.”
B.  Becca has a drink with former bachelorettes Tiny Dancer, JoJo, and Rachel, who tell her “it’s all about you!” And more soberly (from Jo Jo):  “The day I met the 25 men was the most hopeful day of my entire life!”

Let’s unpack this:  Out of Jo Jo’s entiiiiiiire life, including the day she got engaged, the day she went to kindergarten, the day she went to college, the day she welcomed her first dog, and the day she got her first job, her most “hopeful” day was the first day on the Bachelorette at that nasty ass mansion.  

Which brings us to C:

C.  Rachel decides to sage the mansion because “I mean, a lot of dirty stuff went down at this Mansion.”  While we appreciate this moment, Tiny Dancer says the only thing we are all secretly thinking:  “I don’t get it.  Why are we lighting a big doobie?”

With that, ABC kicks us into the boring part of this episode, which is basically all of it.  But first, this reader *gasps* because Other Becca is literally wearing Pearls for Mrs. Rogers. 

Babies, a few years ago when the ravages of time were less severe and this Author could still handle the prospect of wearing lingerie in front of her work colleagues (long story), we were The Pearl (among other items) in the Will Rogers Follies.  Our dress was a halter with head to toe pearls, and GENTLE READERS OTHER BECCA IS WEARING THAT DRESS.

We would do a side to side comparison if we still had a picture but we don’t so here you go:

Our secret wish is that when she lifts her arms, strings of pears extend like bat wings from the back.  Our dress had that and therefore, our dress was better.  Perhaps one day we will find it and wear it to A Work Event just to make people sweat.

While this is happening, we meet some would be suitors, including Clay, a pro football player who explains his biracial background, helps his nanna, and basically appears to be super sweet but lacking in snap. 

Next up, Garrett from Reno.  He is in medical sales and loves “fishing, hiking, and anything that gets my heart racing.”  We know we are supposed to root for him but yesterday we heard he liked some concerning tweets and now we cast a hairy eyeball of deep dark suspicion in his direction.

And then we meet Jordan a/k/a Puddy the 26 year old Male Model and the Delight of Our Soul (All of Us).  “I’m gonna give you some pensive, ok?” he tells the photographer.  “My brand is pensive,” he tells All of Us as we clap our hands with joy. “The pensive gentleman.  He could have a glass of scotch, a book in his hand, a flower he is giving a lady.”   Also, Puddy has been “so focused on himself” that he is missing out on life.  But he could see “me and Becca on a couch, tub of chocolate, watching a chick flick.  Like, a lot of models don’t do that. But (whispers) I do that.”

Oh Puddy, you are the light of this show.

Less so Lincoln, originally from Algeria.  We don’t know what he does but we think we met him as a sort of preview at the finale of the last show.

Blah blah we meet Joe, 31 from Chicago who owns a grocery store.  He seems nice, in a very loud Chicago way.   We also meet Jean Blanc, a 31 year old “Colognasseure” who basically collects ties, watches, and colognes (he has 100).  He declares that Other Becca “needs a man who smells good,” and he is “going to blow her nose away.” 

This Author aspires to live in a Tiny House and periodically has to Touch All the Things and take items to the goodwill when the house is too full.  We could never date Jean Blanc.

While we are recoiling from Jean Blanc, we meet Colton, a football playing Pharisee who wears his Jesus round his neck in the form of a 4 inch cross in case Anyone Might Miss It.  He is 26 and now retired from football due to injuries and so now operates a foundation for cystic fibrosis.  He’s had only one serious relationship, and we secretly wonder if that was Ali Raisman because Babies, WE ARE ONTO COLTON and recall his previous high-profile post-olympic dating ventures.

 Also, we still cannot get over Pearls for Mrrrrrrrrs. Rogers. But oh, here is Chris Harrison.  Other Becca confesses a fear of history repeating itself with respect to falling in love with two men like Ari fell in love with two women.  We are bored with this conversation and also, now know that history will repeat itself.

And then the Limos Start To Arrive.  The first one contains:

1. Colton. Meh.
2. Grant, a 27 year old electrician.
3. Clay, who does himself no favors by whispering, “I’ve caught a lot of passes but you would be the biggest catch of my life.”
4. Jean Blanc, who says “let’s do the damn thing” in French and is basically dead to us.
5.  Connor, a 25 year old fitness coach.

Ok wait a minute.  We google the age of Other Becca, which is 28.  Why is it that with rare exception (Joe, Jean Blanc) almost every single man on this show is younger than her?  Dear ABC, a 26 year old man is the equivalent of a 21 year old woman.  Why are you delivering children unto Other Becca?

6.  But ABC doesn’t care because now Joe is walking out of the limo, followed by:

7. John, a software engineer who is definitely getting the axe tonight, and

8.  Kenny G.  OMG.

Kenny is a stuntman, when he is not playing Careless Whisper on the saxophone.  Other Becca rightfully observes that he has better hair than her sister.

My goodness, Puddy is in this limo too.  He wants Other Becca to hear the tapping of his shoes as the “heartbeat of a gentleman.”  AHhahahaha.  Inside the house, he informs the men that he spent 6 hours hand selecting everything he is wearing, including his gray suit to “stand out.”

9.  We love that the next dude, Rickey, is also wearing basically the same suit.

10 & 11 . We start to lose track of the men as we meet a guy named Alex, and a lawyer named Nick from Florida.  We know he won’t last more than a few episodes because he is a lawyer.  Also, he showed up in a car racing suit thingy as a gimmick.   Says Kenny G: “dude, your BEST move is reminding the girl of her ex?  That’s a bad idea.”

12. But the hits keep coming because now Manbun Mike is exiting the limo with a cardboard cut out of Ari that is purportedly to show him “how happy” Other Becca is now.

13.  Somewhere in her, Garrett shows up with a mini-van full of soccer balls and a baby carrier.  We give him points, but are still deeply suspicious. 

Kenny G, inside the house:  “Well, I’ve met like 12 men already.  How many more are we looking at?”  Channeling ABe across the miles, we scream, “Dude, have you ever even WATCHED this show?”

14. Now some ass shows up on an Ox.  Blake.  Right.  We will forget him.

15. We will also forget Lincoln, whom we learn is 26 years old.

16 &17.  We will also promptly forget Chase, the advertising VP, and Darius the Pharmaceutical Rep, both of whom are 26 years old and therefore children.

18.  At this point, our only hope is Ryan, whom we apparently met at the end of last season when Other Becca was announced as the Bachelorette, and who played the banjo then.  We love him because he did NOT bring his banjo with him tonight.  Obi-Ryan, you are our Only Hope.

Having dispensed with the oxen and mini-vans, we return to the limos, where out pops:

19.  Christopher?  Christian?  A former harlem globe trotter. 

20. Wills, a graphic designer.

21.  Jason, a 29 year old corporate banker.

22. Kamil, who does this weird power play thing where he tries to get Other Becca to come to him instead of going to her, and then tries to get her to compromise in the “which way are we going to go” tussle in his favor 60/40.  She should send him home this very minute.  Other Becca is like “um, I prefer 50/50” and we know he is dead.

23.  While we contemplate the death of Kamil, 29 year old Jake from Minneapolis appears wearing slippers.  And Other Becca KNOWS HIM.

24.  We also meet some guy who pops out of a hearse saying “when I found out you were the bachelorette I literally died.”  This is uncomfortable.

Fortunately, Puddy makes it better:  “A lot about fashion is knowing how to dress for the occasion, knowing what to wear,” and something about the “coral reef” style.  He then stares in horror at other men: “Put some socks on.  Get a tie on.  Anything, other than a blazer, no belt, and loafers without socks.”

When this Author was in High School, our choir director would award bonus points to people who showed up at extra-credit singing events wearing socks with their loafers.  Lo, for it was the popular thing not to wear said socks. The End, by KLo.

25.  While Puddy is going on about socks, we meet Christian, a 28 year old banker, and David, a guy in a chicken suit who screams “BeCAW” that gradually becomes “BeKAH.”  We hate that everyone thinks this is so clever, given that Our Beloved Jesse from Pitch Perfect did it first, like 10 years ago.

At any rate, we think Puddy is going to stroke out when he sees David’s chicken suit.

26?  But men are still pouring out of the limo like roaches out of a wall.  So here comes Chris, the 30 year old sales trainer who also somehow fit a gospel choir of 12 in his limo.  Don’t overthink it.

At last, Other Becca comes into the house to give a toast about the party getting started, and she is immediately stolen by Connor.  Some dude is like “well, he just popped up from the floor,”  and Puddy is all, “It’s like I just dropped my play book and he picked it up.  Like, where’s my play book.  Oh, that dude’s got it.”

Puddy shouldn’t apply for MENSA anytime soon.

In 1:1 time with Clay, Clay and Other Becca make . . .Clay figures of each other.

Her (by Clay):

Him (by Other Becca):

This is not dissimilar to the “bear” our niecelet recently made at preschool: 

This cocktail party is just terrible.  We learn John the software engineer made an app. Somebody else’s grandparents met and were married 2 months later and are still going strong.  The Globe Trotter dunks over Other Becca’s head.  Someone shows her how to salsa dance and another dude wrote a poem something along the lines of:

“Ever engraved is our date today.  I’ve longed for the time of meeting you, Becca K. So I’m hopeful this journey ends with a wedding ring but before all of that let’s do the damn thing.”

THIS AUTHOR IS A TOWERING FIRE OF RAGE.

After Joe reveals that he got into the grocery business by selling watermelons and the Ox guy says his prior relationship was serious but ended abruptly, the First Impression Rose comes out and the men get even more stressed.

Blay Blah Lincoln gives Other Becca a bracelet, the chicken guy (David) makes some bad puns, Puddy insists he has a “game plan” for talking to Other Becca but won’t reveal what it is (because he has none) and Garrett teaches her how to fly fish in the pool. 

The big drama this evening is that when Chase was announced as a contestant, Chris got a text from one of his ex girlfriends (because of course they all know each other) saying that he was there for the “wrong reasons.”  So,  Chris asks the other men whether he should confront Chris about it, and we all scream NOOOO but he does it anyway.  So THEN Chase tries to get ahead of it by telling Other Becca directly, abandoning her during 1:1 time to hunt down Chris and make him explain the text he received, and it is so incredibly ridiculous we just cannot even.

More interesting are the comments that Chase lets slip during this scene:

A.  “If it’s going to be someone else, I would expect it to be one my 2 exes, not her (the woman who texted).”

B.  “I mean, YOU know women . . . “

The other big drama is that Other Becca sends Jake from her hometown home.  She says they had met on half a dozen occasions before and never followed up, so why pursue it now.  He claimed to have only one memory of meeting her at a holiday party and further, that he had a “very transformative year” and had his head on straight now.  We feel a little bad for him but at least it’s one less man to keep track of.

When Other Becca reveals to the other men that she let Jake go, Puddy does not disappoint:  

We are also not disappointed by the guy who thought it was a good idea to tattoo “expecto patronus” on his arm.  “I got it because it means awaiting a guardian and I’ll be that for you.”  He tells Other Becca.  How very 19^th century bodice ripper romance of him.

In any event, Garrett gets the first impression rose and the first kiss.  Puddy is freaked out: “I can’t go home tonight.  It wouldn’t be fair to Becca.” Seriously?

And as the sun rises, Other Becca gives roses to the following men to join Garrett:

1. Lincoln
2. Blake (ox man)
3. Rickey
4. Jean Blanc
5. The Globe Trotter
6. Clay
7. Wills
8. Conner
9. Jason
10. Sean the App dude. Wait, was it John or Sean?
11.  Ryan the banjo guy.  RIOTOUS JOY.
12. Alex.  No memory of him.
13. Nick the attorney.  Noooo.
14.  Trent.  What? Where did Trent come from?
15.  Colton the football (Kenny G: “looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers, I definitely look different. Will she pick me?)
16. David in the Chicken Suit. (Puddy: “If the chicken stays and I go, I would be extremely embarrassed.  I’m a fashion model. Keep me around for some eye candy.”)
17. Puddy.  NOOOO. 
18. Kenny G.  
19. Manbun Mike
20.  Chris, the guy who supposedly received the text message.

So Joe the grocer goes home, as well as (predictably) Kamil, a bunch of guys we don’t know, and also, Chase – the guy whose ex supposedly texted Chris.  Most are devastated that they lost to a “chicken man.”

Stay tuned for this season, during which there will be happiness, tears, betrayal, and an ambulance.

KLo.