Miss J, Eh, Part ATFR: If I Could Turn Back Time

We are going to say it: We canNOT believe we stayed up until 11 pm to watch this episode. But in the words of Bryan Adams (who is a much better blues singer than a rocker btw), we do it all for you. And also because we are weirdly obsessed with this show.

Part After the Final Rose begins with this woman in the audience whom we are pretty sure is Trish from Season Jesse. How do we know? Because she is wearing the biggest bouffant horse-face-making short hairdo ever, and because she is in nearly every audience shot. But soon Chris Harrison appears and relieves us of this vision, only to announce that we are not only going to ATFR about this season, but we must ATFRpartAfterpartAgain about Melissa from Season Big Daddy.

Out comes Melissa, and she really does look fabulous, though far too skinny. And we secretly wonder if ABC is trying to accentuate the difference between this show and the "Fat Bachelor" it has sold to Fox by starving all of the contestants here. Blah blah Melissa "bounced back" and took up with an old boyfriend, Todd, shortly after being dumped by Big D. Then came Dancing With the Stars, and now she is a Media Force and cannot be trifled with again. Did Big Daddy make the right decision to pick Molly. "Oh, YEAH," says Melissa, "and also, Molly will not age well."

[ad break: Horsey woman/Trish clapping]

Out comes Kiptyn! Except KMu thinks that it is Dr. Travis Stork from season Dr. Travis Stork, so interchangable is he with all prior "dudes." Poor Kiptyn must watch his "journey" with Miss J (everybody drink) and has to take a deep breath, so raw is the emotion still after All This Time. Oh, it "reminds him of how he felt. He clearly fell in love with Jill. To gave it go from what I thought was the start of us to the end of us was crushing." Oh! Bobble-head audience women nod in sympathy.

And then . . . out comes Miss J to meet Kiptyn for the First Time since the Dumping. We are unsure if this was planned, as she appears for all the world to have fashioned her dress out of the bedsheets she ripped into strips to make the rope she used to escape the house that ABC built. Or alternatively, toilet paper. They hug and are nice, but Miss J tells Kiptyn that there wasn't anything more he could have done. He, of course, also has no regrets because he gave the big confession of love when he was ready, and not before then.

So on we go to unlucky contestant #2: Reid. We must admit, Reid is not faring as well as an upstanding dude here. This Local Viewing Audience concludes that he should have kept the glasses, as he had us all Under His Spell until their removal somewhere toward the bitter end. Anyway, Reid obviously has no business on national television at this point, as he is still totally smitten with Jillian, painfully not in control of his mouth, and still reeling from getting The Dump two times in a row. He "flew back," gentle readers, "bought a ring . . . it wasn't the best ring because I didn't have a lot of time, you know, but I didn't think the competition was really that big." He thought it was going to be a "slamdunk," but was obviously wrong. He wishes he could have "reversed and done things differently" insofar as telling Jillian more about his feelings, etc. [cut to horsey bouffant Trish looking woman].

"If I could turn back tiiiiiiime," we sing. And then, KMu and this viewer discover that ABe has NEVER SEEN Cher's video to this song. So we must interrupt the BNU for a screening of Cher and her Leather Onesie of Death. Oh, the servicemen! Oh, the big guns! Oh the sudden shock of the leather thong! We debate whether the markings upon her buttocks are a tattoo or cushion imprint. If we could turn back time, babies, we'd give it All To You.

But back to questions from Reid to Jill, which are a little harsh:
Reid: "When I came back, was there a part of you that wanted to say 'yes?'"
Miss J: "Nope."
Reid: "If I had told you how I felt about you sooner, would that have changed things?"
Miss J: "Not even a little bit. I was in love with Ed."
Then Reid completely clams up, gets cagey about asking any more questions, Miss J tries to fill the empty void with inane commentary, Chris Harrison asks unsuccessfully bating questions, and at last we are saved by Laura Ingalls Wilder who stands up from the audience and asks Reid if he will go out with her. "How old are you?" he asks because we all secretly know she is about 12. "Thank heaven, for little girls," we sing.

And at last, we are to Jill and Ed. Ed comes out and announces that he is so relieved to finally be going public with this thing. Oh, they are so happy, having spent almost every day together in the last few months. We are impressed by this revelation, as we previously understood contestants to be permitted only a few clandestine visits during airing of the show. But irregardless (that one is for you, Miss J), she is, like, totally moving in with him in Chicago, and they will be married at some point in the next 12 months! If we had a dollar for every contestant who said that, we would buy our own Ugly Ring, but we are still going to be happy for them.

[again, weird cut to big horsey woman hair in the audience and omg is she wearing dayglo makeup???]

As we fade into the distance we are left witih a local from Miss J's trip to Spain explaining to the happy couple: "Der is a leeegion that says if yoo cross under diiis arch, holding hands, you weel be marrieed." [which of course, Jillian wants to run under twice]. And then, a question from the audience: "So, is everything okay in the bedroom now?" To which Miss J responds that the only problem is that they can't get enough of the bedroom. Augh T.M.I. and also we are traumatized and now ABe is swearing she will never return to watch another episode with this viewer.

And with that awkward series of clips and filler, we are done. We will not be blogging More to Love because we are morally opposed. And also, low hanging fruit never tastes as sweet. But we have enjoyed our season with you, gentle readers, and hope that you tune in next time to the BNU.

Much Love,
KLo

Miss J, Eh Part Finale: Rush, Rush

In the words of our girl R.Flack, Toniiiiiight, we celebrate our looooove for the Bachelorette. As we toast with champagne, ABe tosses the feather boa she has worn for this occasion over her shoulder and we brace ourselves for the onslaught of faux Coldplay music forming the background of Jillian's recap of the two men she is left with: Kiptyn and Ed. We are on the Big Island, Hawaii, babies, and Jillian is so proud of herself for "slaying enough dragons" to reach these men. "Stop telling yourself that reality television is a necessary step to finding love," demands KMu. And also, stop wearing racerback silk be-shelled tank tops.

So first up: Ed. As he reunites with Jillian, he confesses "The last time we were together was a little . . . emotional." Sayeth KMu: "And by emotional, I mean. . . [ drooping stamen][rushing waves]. But instead of bringing flowers to meet her family, Ed has brought a pile of rushes. Maybe he is going to make a basket to float Jillian down the river? We realize later that this is a stack of grass skirts. But here we are with mom Peggy (in a ginormous pink flowered mumu top), Dad Glenn, grandma Margery (who wanted to sell Jillian to the icelanders in season Big Daddy), and cousin Tori. Says Margery: "Oh, he's quite good looking, eh?"

And then, Jillian encourages Ed to "tell his story." "Well, it was a dark and stormy night," we helpfully begin. But Ed will not play along. "I was married . . . . to my job," says he. Damn. We were secretly hoping he would say a la Big Daddy, "I was married . . . .and then my wife discovered the girls' lacrosse coach." But Ed knew he liked Jillian "a ton" broke down when he got home, realized he had made a mistake, and blah blah we know this story The End.

Peggy must ask Ed her 66 questions (we love Peggy), to which ABC only allows us to know three responses: he wants 3 children, he wants to be retired in Hawaii 30 or 40 years from now, and he thinks that "honesty and love" is the glue that will make a marriage last. No, honey, the real glue is separate bathrooms and separate bank accounts. But we suppose he will learn that soon enough.

Ed fairs better in his 1:1 with Glenn, in which Ed declares his undying love for Miss J and asks Glenn what his thoughts are regarding marrying Jillian. "I would be doing somersaults," says Ed, "I am ready for my daughter to be married." Translation courtesy of KMu: "It's about fucking time."

In the end, Glenn, Tori, and Miss J dance around in coconut bras and grass skirts. We are a little scarred by this, but not enough to stop watching.

And it's date #2 with Kiptyn! But we watch in horror as he proceeds to suck Jillian's brain out through her mouth. Okay, so when this viewers grandmother was a little girl, she told a boy on the tandem swing that she could tell what he had for breakfast, so close was his face to hers.
"What?" said he.
"Eggs" said she.
"No, that was yesterday," said he.
And as Kiptyn cleans Miss J's teeth, we are fairly certain he has accumulated a working knowledge of the muffin, egg, and iceberg lettuce that Miss J has consumed in the last 24 hours. "Mmm, is that raisin oatmeal?" we expect him to ask. But no, instead Kiptyn pays Miss J a compliment: "Ooo, you're shiny!"

Off to grandmother's (and parents and cousins') house we go for some deep conversation about how both Kiptyn and Jillian thought the other was so goodlooking that they got completely nervous upon meeting. This is soon followed by the Peggy Shakedown, in which Jillian's mom (in a green and blue version of the Pink Mumu Top) discovers that Kiptyn does not know how many children that he wants, believes communication is #1 ("or pretty close to it") in making a marriage work, and that he is "excited" and "optimistic" about Miss J because she has "so much laughter." But dah dah DUM in the 1:1 with Glenn, Dad must ask Kiptyn whether the Kipper loves his daughter. "I'm I'm I'm getting there," Kiptyn stammers. "She has this zest for life, this passion. She makes me better. I hope to make her better." We learn subsequently that this is the "dawning moment" in which Kiptyn realizes that he actually hearts Miss J, and not just as a friend. Except he doesn't actually say this to Glenn. And also, we are unconvinced. But Kiptyn is guppy-sucking Miss J's face off AGAIN and we must look away, so we really don't know what happened after that.

In the Aftermath of the boys' visits, Miss J asks her family what they think. Tori, heavily pulling for Kiptyn, stresses that he has a "unique love of people and life. It's so similar to you," whereas Ed is more "well-rounded, professional, and work 'orientated.'" Peggy is also "drawn to Kiptyn's energy." But Glenn, for the home team, says that he didn't have to ask Ed whether he loved Miss J, for he Laid It All On The Line. Yet in 1:1 time with Tori (who is actually pulling off a tube top and palazzo pants, damn her), emphasizes that Kiptyn is "really falling for" Miss J. Oh, Miss J feels the passion is there with Kiptyn, but will Ed be able to Stand And Deliver, so to speak? Poor Miss J, she is looking for her "best friend," but hoping for a lightening bolt to hit her and tell her who to pick. We think a better strategy would be for said bolt to hit one of her suitors, thereby making up Miss J's mind for her.

And at last, it is the Last Supper for Ed. We thank god that he knows how to kiss, except that said kiss-ability is totally equalized by the low cut tank top and pink button down that he is wearing. As Miss J picks Ed up in a range rover, the following witty reparte ensues:
"I think you're beautiful."
"No, I think YOU'RE beautiful."
"No you hang up."
"No YOU hang up."
"I can totally still hear you breathing!!!"

Oh, the metaphores are rampant as Jillian and Ed lift off in a chopper to fly over a smouldering volcano. Ed is "pumped." And then, the happy couple goes to a flowing waterfall deep deep in the rainforest. Oh, the rushing water. Oh, the sweaty, steamy humidity. Oh oh OH MY GOD IS JILLIAN'S HAIR ON FIRE? We think M.Jackson (R.I.P.) and Pepsi and Stop, Drop, and Roll before realizing that it's just the tiki torch (emitting its whispy smoke up, up into the welcoming, warm atmosphere) over Ed's shoulder as he kisses Jillian.

Later that night, Ed emphasizes that he would "never leave [Miss J] again."
"At least not for Microsoft," sayeth ABe. And then "hit me," as she drains her champagne.
But Ed is giving Miss J "so many reasons to think he is The One" on this night. They have "amazing chemistry. . . But the puzzle isn't finished yet. There are still some missing pieces." And then, as we fade away from the bed and the (thankfully) decent kissing occuring thereon, Ed confesses his love, and that he wants to be with her forever, and that he LOVES HER. Oh!!!! The "last piece of the puzzle is there," concludes Miss J, and then . . . gushing waterfall, erupting volcano!

"Rush, Rush, I wanna see ya -- Get free with me!!!!" sings KMu. When KMu's sister, KHu was young, she thought this song was really about childbirth: "Push, push, I can feel it, I can feel you all through me." And you know, we think this makes sense. And also, we hope that Miss J and Ed are maintaining an, er, adequate barrier between Paula Abdul and KHu's versions of this song. That is all.

But we are not done, because here comes Kiptyn in a speedboat for his Last Supper as well. He has finally realized that it is "time to tell her how he's feeling." Oh, we would like to feel him as well, as he rises from the water and we see surf board . . . arms . . . 12 pack stomach. . . little chicken legs. KMu would like to lop off Kiptyn's bottom half. "Pan Pan Greek God Pan. One half goat and the other half man" sings ABe. We have decided that we are Cutting ABe off from the champagne, except we never really manage to accomplish this because Miss J is wearing a cotton ruffled formal shorts romper, and all we can feel is rage.

Blah blah Kiptyn paddleboards around with Miss J chip-clipped around his waist. They have a picnic. Brain sucking guppy kisses and we must look away. Sunset. . . and then here we are at the Mauna Kia resort, where Abe wants to know, "Are they gonna have relations?" All we know is this: Kiptyn is making some pretty weak statements, compared to Ed. About all he can muster is an "I would be hurt if I lost you" and a dramatic "I am falling in love with you. Right now, you and me, let's do this." Blah.

At then, it is the rose ceremony! Except Miss J thinks it is her wedding day. And while we think her dress is lovely, is it really necessary to up the ante any more by appearing in a wedding dress Miss J? As Jillian climbs into this poorly planned get up, we see Kiptyn and Ed making their Pilgrim's Progress up the a long, winding staircase to a small tower office to . . . pick out an engagement ring from Neil Lane. Says Mr. Lane, "This is the most nervous time for a man." We can say with certainty, "not for Ed."

And then here is our thing (all of us): This rings are really ugly and too big for Miss J's hand (though hands down not as ugly as the ring Big Daddy picked during his Reign of Terror). Kiptyn goes first, selecting a square layer cake of diamonds, and we demand that he loses due to Poor Taste. And then Ed . . . Ed picks out an upside-down tear drop with this sort of echo-effect of diamonds. ABe instantly changes her vote from Ed to Kiptyn as the likely winner based upon ring choice alone.

But the moment has arrived. As Miss J walks the plank (literally) across a pool see which man is fool enough to join her on the adjacent platform, the first limo drives up and it's . . . KIPTYN! YAY!!! He tells her that he is "ready for the journey" (everybody drink), wants children, marriage, and (unconvincingly) says he loves her. But as he prepares to propose, she stops him and says that she is falling in love with someone else! DOUBLE YAY!!! As he drives off in the limo having been denied, he claims it "hurts real bad right now." Except we don't quite believe him. In fact, we think he is secretly relieved.

But as Miss J is preparing for Ed to arrive and declare his undying love, a minivan pulls up and out comes . . REID. Oh, the drama. "You don't have much time, for Ed is on his way," whispers Chris Harrison fervently. Clearly, Reid already knows this, as he has both neglected to tuck in his shirt and forgotten to change his tennis shoes for something more appropriate with a suit.

Miss J is shocked as Reid comes towards her. He declares his love, blah blah "I'm an idiot," and she says she wishes he would have gotten his act together sooner (for "him and I had an undescribable love.") and because we like Reid we make this short: She dumps him (after 15 minutes of heavy sighing filler footage by ABC).

At last, here is Ed. And he "better not disappoint," says Miss J. And he doesn't! He is also the Smartest Proposer on the Bachelor Ever, in this viewers mind, because after declaring that he loves her, he says that he needs to know that she loves him before "going any further." We like your moves, Ed. Miss J of course confesses that she is "madly" in love with him, and he proposes to her with a "I just want to you to be there to give me a hard time when I am 80 years old," she flings her legs around him, and we are done . . . except for the Music Video that ABC has created of their "journey" (everybody drink).

In their exit interview, Miss J says life is "funner" with Ed and then corrects herself that "'funner' isn't a word, is it."

At last, our work has been done.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies, in which we learn whether Ed and Miss J are still together After the Final Rose.

KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 10: The Men Tell All (Please Make it Stop)

Well, last night was a Very Special and Most Dramatic Birthday Ever here at the BNU. We arrived at the Mus household with our block of cheese (read: dinner) to be surprised by fancity snacks, and . . . a cheesecake by our very own ABe. As we shed a tear of love for our friends, we thought back to just last week, when we were wandering the halls at work with an errant panty ho falling down around our ankle and erroneously unzipped pants. Even though we look homeless most of the time, our friends still love us. So thank you, dear friends. We love you too. Very Much.

Sadly, we do not love the Men Tell All, which is the biggest bloated pig ever to float down the river behind ABC's offices. As the teasers begin for this episode, ABe starts screaming "AughIt'sMolly!!MollywhowillNotAgeWell!!" Brace yourselves, babies, 'cause The Eyes are comin' back.

But first we must start with a pre-taped interview with Jillian that for some reason we came to a Live Studio Audience to see. "Let's start in the very beginning" (a very good place to start), suggests Chris Harrison. KMu and I agree that "the beginning" would technically be with Miss J getting dumped by Big Daddy, but Chris Harrison believes it is the first rose ceremony season Miss J. Okay so, she runs down the guys:
Tannest: "If the worst thing I have to deal with is someone wanting to suck my feet, I'll take it." [add present and clean and we will take it too, we suppose.]
David RR Trucker: "I hope he learns from seeing his behavior on television."
Ed: [okay we don't hear this part because of the rush of love in our ears and also because ABC changes camera angle to over Miss J's ear and exposes the GINORMOUS WHITE BRA hanging out of her dress. We are instantly confused, as we are pretty sure Miss J does not need a bra, ginormous or otherwise.].
Kiptyn: "Seeing him on the ropes course totally told me he's not perfect." And also, the couple that Nairs together fairs "good" together.
Wes: "There was something I was attracted to that I couldn't let go. OMG, the country singer with tattoos who also wants a family AND to sit around the fire and drink beer?? . . . Oh, but no no I am totally no interested in the bad boy. . . I just fell for his song." [ Is he killing you softly Jillian, IS HE? Because we are not impressed. ]

But then, as we go back to the Live Show, we are momentarily mesmerized by Chris Harrison's tie. It is drawing us in and we cannot look away. Is it rubenesque baby faces? Redundant flowers? "Wow, it's a print on a pillow at Kiptyn's mom's house," says KMu and we know she speaks The Truth. But also, WTF is up with the two-tone bleached-blonde-and-whatever-dark-color-take-your-pick hair in the audience tonight? We saw this hair in the airport recently, adorning the top of a woman in head-to-toe "Barbie" gear and a hot pink french manicure. Her phone sang "Bringing Sexy Back" when she got a text. We secretly loved her, but that still didn't mean we had to accept her hair.

Oh oh oh, but back to the pre-taped filler. Now Chris Harrison is asking Jillian about something or other and she is recapping more moments. We are not sure if these are "funny" or "awkward" or what because our mouth is full of cheesecake but the only ones worth expending e-ink:
1. Jillian the Independent Woman saying that she will "take relationship advise from anyone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do." in a voice over as a Harlem Globetrotter advises her to ditch Kiptyn, keep David RR Trucker, and ditch JuanyOnly because Juanity invited the globetrotters to the house (of course he did), which is going in the wrong direction if Miss J is supposed to be eliminating guys from the house (or IS it?).
2. Our personal favorite, drunk Ed. "Whoa whoa atsa lot zeeswords youhthrowinata me." And then, he does a little dance. We love him.

But then, we come to a "serious, sweet moment" which is essentially Kiptyn showing Miss J his charity, Stand Up for Kids. Yes, Kiptyn takes care of street kids. Through a charity called SUFK. ("Doesn't that sound dirty?" KMu queries). And through this charity, he teaches them good (we are not making this up). ABe keeps repeating "He teaches street kids" over and over as we think Zoolander and how "showing her his charity" could be a fabulous euphemism and debating whether we can Go There given that charities and helping children are Good Things.

Anyway, our mind is not made up before we flash again to the studio audience and have our first Dude Sighting. As we all know, dudes are few and far between in the Tell All audience, but this year it appears that ABC has managed to scrounge up 1) the barely tolerant husband, 2) the new boyfriend who is afraid to say "no," 3) a gay couple, and 4) a long-haired man that KMu points out. Upon re-wind, oops, he is a she.

But we have bigger problems as it is MOLLY AND JASON. Molly is wearing a piece of belted seaweed and heavy eyeliner. "We were ripped to shreds in the media" says she, "and also, I will not age well." But Big Daddy says "we're a team now. The "M&M team [wtf?]. " But he continues, "And if our only way to be together was to go through all of that, then we had to do it." No, jackass, your FIRST opportunity to be together was to have PICKED HER INSTEAD OF MELISSA.

We suffer through a "lookback on their life together," which, a whole six months in, is still going "great." Okay, we are big proponents of the six-month yardstick, but we are unsure whether said stick can really be used here, as Molly continues to remain in Wisconsin and Big Daddy is in Seattle. But Molly vows that "I don't think anything could break us" and the couple talks so much about marriage that they elicit a cacophony of screams from The Local Viewing Audience as we all become convinced that ABC is going to whip out a chaplan. Though no wedding ensues, Big Daddy HAS started a website called "Jason's Place," which is a forum for single parents . . . who he provides with a trip to New Zealand. Again, WTF.

And then, Molly Goes There: "You know, Melissa's really happy right now, she's doing great. And I'm happy, so it all worked out in the end." Girl, you did NOT bring Melissa into this. Patting himself on the back, Big Daddy chimes in, "Yeah, if people have to point a finger at me and all that resulted was happiness, I'll take it." Speechless.

So, finally, we are ready for the Men to Tell All. As here's b boy!! Rosmo!! JuanyOnly!! Jesse!! That guy that looks exactly like an old boyfriend!!!! And . . . . . Jacques el Piloto. Reid is not able to make it due to a "prior commitment," and Wes, for obvious reasons, declined to show up.

Except . . . . this part is incredibly boring and can be summed up thusly: "Stone him. STONE HIM!!!!" So, because we can take artistic license, we highlight the positives of this ridiculously long and pointless exercise. We fall in love with b boy all over again, who admits that he "underestimated how much I would fall for Jillian" and then stands up for Jake when the other boys completely trash him: "I know that we're all in attack mode, but Jake would never say a bad thing about any of you."

Then, we have a dissertation on The Man Code by David RR Trucker: "The Man Code is . . . the Man Code. It's an unspoken set of rules. We don't have to talk about it [except me, who talks about it constantly]. For example, every guy has that girl. You don't sleep with that guy's girl." Blah blah all the 800 ways that JuanyOnly violated the man code:
1. Not drinking
2. Not hanging out with us.
3. Not sleeping with me, though I am hoping this awesome carpet I grew all over my face will tempt you more, my sweet Juan.
Of course, when David RR Trucker said he would "beat JuanyOnly's ass," he "didn't mean I wanted to kill him." Okay, we are done here. And also, check the tapes. But JuanyOnly, to his credit, sums it up nicely as "Being drunk and belligerent is not being a man." And then Jake, "Why waste a lot of energy on this alpha male shit. Where is Jillian in all of this."

Oh, but we are STILL NOT DONE.

David RR Trucker takes the "hot seat." He was a "huge frontrunner" in the beginning, according to Miss J, but there was "something a little too raw about him." Segue into a replay of all the "your ass looks great in that spandex" comments and variations thereof, followed by both the men AND the viewing audience telling David RR Trucker that dude, that is no way to compliment a woman. "Well," says he, "IF I offended her, that was not my intention." ' If?

So then, Jacques el Piloto. Oh oh oh our tummy does flips as we see the replay of his first date with Jillian and the Best Kiss Ever on Bachelor/ette History. But then, as he watches himself get denied a rose, Jake gets misty. "It wasn't Martina McBride, or the martinis, or any of the fluff on our first date," says he. "It was the girl" that roped him in. Oh! "I was falling in love with her. I loved everything I had seen about her. But when I finally got to see her again on the boat, I didn't know what to do." Ohhhh! Our heart crumbles at his honesty. He reveals that Miss J lost her job to come on the show, and that he did not want her to have gone through all of that to end up with Wes. Once he told Jillian about Wes' girlfriend, it was okay that she still kept Wes another week -- for he had said his peace. Okay, Jake, you are a pretty cool (though straightlaced) dude. As David RR Trucker attempts to mock El Piloto for crying, bboy, Tannest, and couple other guys say "hell yeah, I would have done the same thing." Take that, David RR Trucker.

But once again, we must see the two-toned hair in the viewing audience. (It is everywhere EVERYWHERE). And then, just like the one-winged dove sings a song, sound's like she's singin,' Stevie Nicks takes the microphone for a Question From the Floor: "Jake, do you still have feelings for Jillian?" Oh! And he does! "I will always have feelings for Jillian. It took me a long time to get back on my feet. In some ways, I'm not there yet." But if the show asked him to be the next Bachelor? "As flattering as it is, I am not thinking about that right now. I would have to make a decision at that time."

So then, we have a musical tribute to Wes (You say, you say that love . . .) which this Viewer refuses to give any more time to, and out comes Jillian!! Blah blah, she says there was a lot of drama that she was unaware of and compliments JuanyOnly on how well he handled things in the house. David RR Trucker apologizes for his behavior. B boy again shows that he is a complete class act in telling her that "Even though it hurts, I'm ok. I'm thankful I got to meet you. I know what I want more and what I will be looking for int he future because of you." Oh! Tannest complements Miss J on her feet, to which she tells him she is wearing Mango Mango.

But then, there is little talk about whether Miss J actually got engaged. Yeah, she says she's very happy, and that things worked out well, but not in the hushed-and-amazed tones that either the bachelore/ette or ABC usually present it. Hm. But we will find out soon enough. For now, we are finally done . . . except for bloopers [Ed pooting at the rose ceremony] as we transition into a "closer look" at the remaining guys.

In short,
Kiptyn = worse kisser ever (except for that dude Brad).
Ed = jorts. tank tops. Mankini.

Stay tuned for next week, when Ed and Kiptyn finally meet Miss J's family and REID shows up with a ring (come on, we all knew that was coming).

In the meantime, we, and ABC, leave you with this from Tannest: "I may not be able to play guitar. I may not be able to breakdance. But I can suck a mean foot." Which, incidentally, reminds us of the First Poem We Ever Wrote, spelled thusly: "Suck your tow, all the way to Mexico." True story.

- Peace.
KLo

Miss J, Eh, Part 9: Intimate, Cozy, Sexy Time Make for Benefit of Hers Decision

Episode 9 (when will it END?!) of the Bachelorette is in Hawaii, babies. Miss J grinds this fact into our souls by wandering the beach in a bikini and zero body fat. We hope she gets the gritties up her swimsuit while she's making her "J +?" heart in the sand.

And here we are at date #1 with Kiptyn. Oh, Miss J is nervous, anxious, things are 90% good and 10% uneasy. And we understand how she might be feeling that way, as the rolled up Short Jorts cannot be doing a Wonderment for her confidence. Our sister, SHa, had a pair of those in Junior High and wore them with her Gothic Tops and Grecian Sandles. It was a good look. And yet here Miss J is, resurrecting the Shor Jors, as she and Kiptyn climb into some sort of wheeled vehicle and drive to a high ropes course. "With adventure comes trust," says Jillian.

"I don't know much, but I know I love you ou ou ou," warbles ABe.

Okay, screw Kiptyn. We are in love with the high ropes instructor. He is bearded. he is ponytailed. He is wearing a trucker cap underneath his helmet. We are strangely attracted.

But dammit, here is Miss J getting in the way of our view of the instructor and telling Kiptyn to go first. KMu is a bit horrified: "Wow, he has really small legs. And also, are they shaven? Seriously, that could be Jillian from the thigh down." And now we cannot look away from the Legs as Kiptyn and Miss J kiss awkwardly at every element of the course, even as he is straddling the rope in a precarious manner. Careful, Kiptyn, we all know what happened to David Carradine. And yet here Miss J is talking about Kiptyn as a baby giraffe and Kiptyn saying she's a "strong independent woman" but sometimes needs a little guidance, and now we're doing the "leap of faith" off an 8 inch diameter telephone pole onto a trapeze and he is winking at her. Boo.

Later on the eat pineapple and Kiptyn talks about how they've "covered the map pretty good" in their relationship to date. Yeah, him and her really have covered it.

Following an ad break in which KM, ABe, and this viewer determine that the person to have Performance Problems on this date will be Ed based upon the hairiness of the belly involved in the teaser, we all go to dinner with Kiptyn and Miss J. "We're gonna have dinner on top of a pole tonight," Jillian tells Kiptyn. Ooo, dirty. But then the conversation lapses into Miss J's strength and independence, and we really have Had It. This is our thing (all of us): If Miss J must point out at ever turn that she is "strong and independent" and worry out loud about whether she is "too strong" then she is probably not either of those things, at least when faced with a Boy. And also, we really don't want to hear that conversation recycled one more time.

So, we turn to a Totally New Topic that has Never Been Mentioned At All Yet In Season Miss J: Jillian wants to know what Kiptyn's flaws are. "Um, flamenco dancing," he says. And he is winking at her again. Stop it STOP IT. She titters and we scowl . But seriously, babies, he's also impatient in dealing with problems in a relationship. We are not sure she is happy with this answer, but she whips out the Fantasy Suite card ("out of her napkin," says he), they decide to take it, and then he completely Hoovers her face at the dinner table.

We see nary a bit of the Fantasy Suite as we are raced off to date #2 with Reid. We know he is toast because 1) Jillian brought a BEACH BALL to play with him, and 2) he is giving her hugs and kisses and her face shows only Vague Tolerance. Oh no!

Jillian helicopters Reid around Hawaii, and we secretly admit that it is lovely. Except when the driver person/pilot is like "I'm the only ordained pilot in the state; I could marry you right now." And Miss J says "Seriously, let's get that shit done!" Okay. We do not know about all of you, dear readers, but we think that "let's get that shit done" is pretty high on our list of Romantic Proposals. Reid, of course, pees himself a little.

So the rest of this date, whether picnicing on the cliffs or eating dinner on the beach, goes something like this:
Miss J: "I need to know how you feel."
Reid: "Well, I like you."
Miss J: "But I need to know how you feel."
Reid: "This is hard for me, to open up, but I feel like things are moving in the right direction."
Miss J: "Okay, but, this time I really need to know how you feel."
Reid: "Well, I am indecisive in life. It's not a huge problem, but it's a problem. This process is challenging for me for that reason, but I think good things can come."
Miss J: "But Reid, we are running out of time for you to tell me how you feel."

Lady. Back the F* off. And also, he is telling you how he feels, more so than Kiptyn. AND ALSO, if his communication skills are not clear enough/good enough for you now, they probably are not going to be in the future and so therefore stop pushing him and just have a nice fantasy suite date before you give him the old Heave Ho.

Ooo! She listened to us! But KMu wants to know how many roses died to grace the tile leading up to the bathtub and beyond in the Suite. She is also concerned about the Attractive Nuisance and knows that if someone races into the bathroom with the rose petals all over that tile, it will be split heads and trauma wards. We, however, are more concerned that Miss J is naked in the bubbles. And also, we realize that this bubble bath (and all the whippiness associated therewith) would be more traumatic for us than the high ropes course and Men Talking About Their Feelings put together. There's just so much . . . churned air. But, we play a little game of "Would you Rather" with ourselves and realize that the bubbles are still preferable to Reid unlidding a jar of marshmallow fluff and slathering it on Miss J. So, there you have it. We have perhaps learned more about ourselves from this date than Miss J or Reid.

Date #3 is with Ed! Miss J is wearing her size 6x jeans skirt, but Ed. oh oh Ed. In a blue tank top and jorts, Ed is rockin' the fashion big time. He and Miss J race off in a catamaran called "Trilogy." As they make out on the tarp, Jillian wants to know the weirdest thing about Ed that she still doesn't know. "Um, my parents call me Richie to distinguish me from my dad." Whose name is Rich. Because that is totally more helpful than any other name for distinguishing "Ed" from "Rich." But Miss J is not really listening because we can see it in her eyes (all of us) that what she is hearing is "mm mmm mmm make out mm mm want to mm kiss" and suddenly they are. But she is, as KMu calls it, a "Human Chip Clip"/one of those creepy monkeys that's legs pop out if you push their shoulders in her affection, all wrapped around Ed.

And then . . . Oh! Ed has surprised Miss J with his parents! Suddenly, we understand Ed. We meet his parents, Judy and Rich, and realize that they are just good Polish Catholics from The Region, who probably love the White Sox, Bears, and cheese Punczkis (mmm, who doesn't). We get through a few awkward moments with Judy making small talk about playing cards and Rich wanting to know "what the HELL are we doing here," but then we sort of fall in love with them as Judy tells Miss J that this show is "totally outside of Ed's element," but that she can see he is really happy. And then Rich tears up as he tells Miss J that he has "never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeve. I haven't seen it before." And then, "I just want you to be happy, that's all" in such an honest way that WE get all teary.

Except now the parents are gone, and Miss J has pulled the Fantasy Suite card from somewhere and is talking about how she is ready for some "intimate, cozy, sexy time and to get back to what this date was supposed to be about." She wants to focus on "him and I" as much as possible. We, too, want to focus on "him and I" but for different reasons. As Miss J waits in the Suite, we hear a knock on the door. "Open up, it's the grammar police," says KMu.

But once again, Miss J is not listening. "Uhhh [she grunts], I think Ed is sexy. The olive skin. The tallness." Yes yes, we all agree (especially ABe), but poor Ed is less concerned with Bringing Sexy Back and more concerned with telling her that he loves her (!!!). "You make my life so much better. I'm here for you, I have such strong feelings. I am falling in love with you" he says! OH!!! He then sweeps her off to the bed, where they make out until she excuses herself to change into . . . a cheese cloth and panties. As she gets out the massage oil and greases Ed up, KMu is traumatized.
KMu: "I can't believe she is doing this on camera!!!"
PMu: "Again."

But Ed is loving it: "It felt so good to have Jillian rub all over me." Gah gah GAH. ABe is like, halfway behind the couch so mortified is she. We are wondering why Ed has now dumped the entire bottle of massage oil on Miss J's legs. And then, suddenly, ABC gets all cagey in the editing. The lights are off. The lights are on. Ed is crying. He and Miss J are laying there awkwardly . She is confessing that she thought the big "can't wait to attack you in private" that she thought would be there really wasn't, and that they just wanted to go to sleep. Ed is sitting out on the balcony looking at the moon.

WTF just happened? Another hard (no pun intended) edit to a giant stamen and we think we all know. We start singing that Ed makes us "feel like a sticky pistil leaning into a stamen," and are happy to report that we would, in fact, win at least one round of that lyrics game all the band kids used to play in high school (ERo) if presented with the word "stamen." ABe is horrified.

But here we are at the rose ceremony, and we sort of like Miss J's dress, even if it is like a scarf with straps. She tells Chris Harrison that she is falling in love with three men, one that she could see herself getting engaged to, one that is sort of "early marriage," and one that is "I could see us in 25 years." We get yet another recap of the men (blah blah Kiptyn is leader but hasn't shown his vulnerabilities, etc etc) and then we get to see the video messages that the three boys left for Miss J. We love the video messages episode!!!

Kiptyn says everything "right" in his message, provides a geography lesson about all the places they have gone, and then seals it with a completely committed and convincing "It's no surprise that I COULD see myself falling in love." Reid, who we just think is a sweetie even if he is complete toast, says that the fantasy suite night was the best night of his life but then sort of kills it by asking her to keep her "honey bear around." Oh dear. But then Ed makes us all love him by saying that Miss J has made him change his perspective on life and made him a better person. She is beautiful, funny, smart, inappropriate sometimes, and . . . he loves her. ED!! FOR THE WIN!!!!

Except that he is wearing a searsucker jacket, mint green shirt, and khakis for the rose ceremony. Good lord. We have no fashion, but mostly because we are too lazy to bother with it. Ed here is like a blind cat with a paintball gun. Unsurprisingly, Miss J asks for additional time with Ed right before she starts handing out roses, and he Dances for His Life or rather, around the topic:
"Um, there are a number of external pressures that are affecting my . . . behavior. But I can assure you that we would . . . not have that problem . . . if I were able to stay. You don't need to worry about . . . that. With me." Oh Ed.

But he convinces her, and in the end, Miss J picks
1. Kiptyn, and
2. Ed!!

Poor Reid looks crestfallen. His voice breaks as he tells her that he hopes she made the right move , and then they hold each other and cry as she tells him that she just couldn't determine whether he was at the right place as her. And we see it, because as he drives off in the limo, he admits that he was closed off and didn't do a good job of telling her how he was feeling, and concludes that this is his fault. Our heart breaks for Reid and we hope that he finds a nice person soon.

Ed comes to fetch Miss J and thanks her for taking a risk with him. We think that is sweet. Miss J announces that the boys are going to travel to the big island in Hawaii next and "keep doing what we're doing." We wonder if that means they will not meet her parents. But first, we must suffer through the Men Tell All next week, including an appearance from Big Daddy and Molly (who will not age well). And then, on the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever, a "shocking confession" leaves Miss J blindsided.

$10 says Kipton is like "I am not ready to propose" and/or that he secretly has a girlfriend too.
KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 8: GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL.

Already we are realizing that Miss J has been given far more episodes to Know Her Mind than any other Bachelor/ette in recent history as we head into Part 8 with a recap of her relationships with the remaining 4: Kiptyn, Reid, Ed, and Wes. And what better place to inform us of her feelings than in Spain!
"Ooo, el Parque de Buen Retiro!" says our tour guide KMu, "this is going to be cool!"
"You mean architecturally, right?" says ABe.
But oh, Miss J is attracted to Kiptyn with his "six pack, nine pack, 12 pack." So what she is saying is that Kiptyn has an extra stomach, which we suppose is better than a third nipple. As for Reid, is he ready to be committed? And then there's Ed, who enrages KMu with a flashback to the jorts from his last 1:1 date with Miss J. Except we are more curious as to how we missed the weird necklace of ginormous pink beetles Jillian was wearing with her yellow dress at the last rose ceremony, when she picked Ed. Ew. And then . . Wes. "Him and I have shared some pretty intimate moments," says Miss J. First, we are going to teach grammar to all the little children in the world so we never have to hear this phrase again. Second, why why WHY do we have to see THE KITTY, or in this case "El GATTITO," again? We would not, could not, on the Kitty. We would not, could not, see your bitties, Miss J.

But here we are preparing for date #1, and Miss J is wandering around Madrid like she thinks it's 1985. So when we were ten years old, we would spend many an hour picking out Just The Right combination of colored tank tops to wear with our stone washed jeans to Summer Bible School, in the hopes that the cute boy in the second pew would come up to us during arts and crafts and casually start a conversation about basket weaving and/or compliment our rad fishes wallhanging. We would not have spent nearly so much time on these outfits had we known that Miss J was going to rip them off our body decades later and fanny around Madrid like the last 20+ years did not happen. It's not Canada, Robin Sparkle.

ANYWAY, this date is apparently with Kiptyn, who is "everything a mother would want her daughter to marry." Not this viewer's mother, Miss J. As they tour around Madrid, Miss J remarks that Kiptyn's mom is "such a doll." Literally ("Come on Barbie, let's go party," says KMu.). Kiptyn admits that after she left their family date, he told his mom and sister for how well things were going, but that a proposal would be pretty remote at the end of this process because he only wants to do that once in his life. Points to Kiptyn for actually telling her that up front, points taken away from Miss J for freaking about it.

So really, there is no better ice breaker than Flamenco Lessons! With Celine Dion!! "Hello. My name is Maria (*cough*Celine*cough)," says the instructor. And this is Reeecardho, And Paco (on guitarro)." Maria attempts to teach them some smooth moves, but it all goes downhill when Miss J suddenly reappears in a Mirella leotard and this viewer has a seizure. And then Kiptyn shows up in super tight pants to dance with Miss J. "I couldn't get them zipped," says Kiptyn. We all thank god this date is not with Tannest, where we are sure we would be seeing his worldly goods.

Date #1 ends in two more layered tank tops, a short yellow skirt, and Minnie Mouse yellow high heels. In the words of Coldplay, her shoes were all . . . yellow. Except Kiptyn says, "This is what I have been looking for, her and I," and we decide that all the private school education in the world apparently did not stop Kiptyn from talking like a hillbilly. Blah blah they run into the curb while riding a scooter, they eat escargot at dinner (because that is what we think of when we think of SPAIN), Miss J espouses her love of the children, and then she asks the Dumbest Series of Questions on a Date Ever. Except, poor girl thinks she is "grilling" Kiptyn:
Jill: "If I asked your last three girlfriends what they could change about you, what would they say?"
Kiptyn: "That they wished I had a twin."
Jill: "Do you think you're too much of a softie? ie, what is your worst quality?"
As KMu points out, this is like the pointless "why would you NOT be an asset to our organization" job interview question, to which we all respond: "Um, I'm a hard worker. Sometimes I work too hard."

Okay, so she refuses the fantasy suite card at the end of the date because she is doing that with everyone, apparently. We are a little confused because this isn't actually the overnight dates episode (which comes next week), but at least she throws Kiptyn a bone by saying they could . . . cuddle. In the fantasy suite. And off we go to date #2.

We give Reid exactly no more than Date #2 to redeem himself from the horror that was his family date, and we are so happy to report that he does so admirably. Though he cannot speak the Espanol to save his life. "O.La. Mee. A. More." he says as he comes upon Miss J in Sevilllllllllllllla. Oh oh oh, they must gather a pic-a-nic together for lunch, so what better place to go than, you know, the butcher for some raw meat.
"Como esta?" asks Reid of the butcher.
Butcher: "Muy bien. Y usted?"
Reid: "Soy Grande." ("I'm growin' now, just lookin' at you girrrrl."). Okay not really, but good lord, Reid. He asks the butcher whether "Grande" means "great or big," and we realize that the poor boy does not even understand what he is ordering at Starbucks. "Beeg" says the Butcher.

Reid and Miss J escape the Butcher of Sevilla and wander to a park bench, where they either eat raw meat or she performs surgery on his knee. So this is what we like about Reid: 1) He asks her questions about herself; and 2) He's good at throwing out lifelines when Miss J is not struggling to answer a question. We slide back into hearting him (because really, what are our options) and are endeared even more when he struggles to tell her how he feels. "You're doing good," says she. GAH the BNU is signing up for Teach America/Canada as soon as this episode is over.

But oh! Prior to dinner, Reid confesses to the camera that he doesn't always know when he's in love -- sometimes, he needs a "push." But we KNOW they are right together because they have the same teeth, and we yell this at the television as Reid struggles to tell Miss J that he likes her a LOT a lot, more than a friend, because she . . . "smells good." Of course, when the fantasy suite card comes out, Reid tells Miss J he will leave the decision up to her because it is the "gentlemanly thing to do" (oh!), Miss J again refuses it (good girl), and Reid accepts that little defeat graciously. "I like who I am with Reid," says Miss J. LISTEN TO YOURSELF, Jillian, and just say "no" to Wes before you catch a scabie. "Ella tiene mi corazon," says Reid at the end of this date, and now we really heart him. Even without his glasses.

Except we must get through date #3 with Ed in Granada before seeing more Reid, even though ABC misrepresents this fair city as Sevilla still. KMu is indignant about ABC's geography: "There is no greater pain in life than being a blind man in Granada," quoth KMu. But we are not so sure, as we spy Miss J's outfit. Crickey, it's the Crocodile Hunter with her shirt unbuttoned down to her Banana Republic. They are walking the gardens by Alhambra Palice, babies, and doing inappropriate things like making out in the fountain. There is a part of Miss J that wants to make sure that Ed is the right person for her, and a part of her that doesn't care and just wants to make out all day. We conclude that the later part is winning.

And this is our thing (all of us): We would rather the kissing part win if all these people are going to talk about during the entire date is why he left the first time around. And also, the Grammar Police at the BNU are really En Fuego by now, as Miss J wants to know if there was "something special between you and I," as they trot around in a horse drawn carriage. "Special about you. Special about me. Special about you and me!" we scream in anguish. Undeterred, Miss J voices her concerns that "Him and I have missed a lot."

Fuck it.
We drink more wine.

At dinner that night, we decide that we like Miss J's white little top, which is just on this side of okay because the tuxedo ruffle does not go all the way around. Except that she is wearing a black bra underneath. We secretly wish she was wearing a tulle bow in her hair, a mesh glove, and that her name was Madonna.

Alas, Miss J and Ed talk more lamely about what their life would be like in Chicago and then the Fantasy Suite card arrives . . . which Ed convinces her to accept so that they can catch up on the time lost! Daaaamn, we like his moves. Except while in the fantasy suite, they cannot stop playing footsie with their hands, which leads to the horrifying discovery of Miss J's baby tiara bracelet. "I am having an afghan moment" announces ABe.

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for (all of us except this viewer, who would prefer to boycott this date out of solidarity against All Tools of the World): Date #4 with Wes in Barcelona. We think Miss J's top is fabulous (finally!) and are sad that it is wasted on Wes, who is "fired up." Says he: "I don't know much about the music scene in Barcelona. But, I had a song from my second album that was actually #1 in Chihuahua, Mexico. So I feel really at home around Spanish people." Ahaahahhaha. We have no words. But we ARE glad that they speak Mexican in Spain.

But noooo! "Wes and I have a good bond," says Jillian. We want to know what this bond could possibly be other than an STD. We bare our teeth a little more when Miss J announces that they will be bike riding, and Wes tells her that he "hopes her bike riding skills are better than her cross-country ski skills." We are only mollified by the fact that Wes looks like a monkey in high heels on that bike.

Wes the Tool and Miss J cycle to a little gazebo for lunch, where Miss J is painfully aware of the lack of affection he is showing her. But Miss J still thinks they have a "lot in common."
KMu demands to know what.
Says ABe: "Well, they both like him."

But Wes is pontificating on life: "relationships are all about bendin,'" says he. "Nothing will break if it can bend." "You sure?" says Miss J and asks what he would do if, hypothetically, they decided the best thing would be for Wes to move to Vancouver for a few years. In a remarkable display of bendiness, Wes says:
[blink. blink.] "Um. That would be. Crazy."
Miss J: "If I said, 'Wes, you're the one. I want to make this work . . . '"
Wes: [spilling his beer] "That bird has no foot. What's wrong with me."

Yes, this is what we ALL WANT TO KNOW. Or rather, what is wrong with Miss J for even going to dinner with him. Except that she is wearing a hot pink swimsuit cozy wrapped in a belt, so at least she is not Pulling Out All the Stops for him. And the conversation is just painful. "You're that bad boy cowboy singer that I'm always attracted to," says Miss J, as he snorts snot up his left nostril. "But I keep hearing all these rumors about you."
"I don't have a girlfriend." he insists.
And then por fin, Jillian gets to the heart of it, "But even if you didn't have a girlfriend, wouldn't your career benefit from this?"
Says Wes: "The whole deal with me being here for fame, records. . . My manager was like 'you need to go, but don't go and come back in one night. ' I thought it would be good for me as well. I've already played you a song. I've already done the whole band thing. I've already showed you what I do. If I wanted to go home, I think my mission would have been accomplished. It would be good for the publicity. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm gonna be true to myself. Numero uno is most important here."
Okay, we want to be Shocked and Appalled but we are just not. Nor are we surprised when he says that he told Jake that "My girlfriend. I mean. My ex-girlfriend . . ." We never do know what he was going to say, as the Fantasy Suite card has arrived and Wes suggests that they TAKE IT before Miss J is like, "let's just skip it" and kicks his ass into a taxi.

Hurrah for Miss J, who has just confirmed ABe's suspicion that she didn't axe Wes last week because she didn't want to just do it in response to Jake.

So at last we are at the Rose Ceremony. And Miss J has decided to turn herself into a feather duster/Ostrich. It is black. It is corsetty on top. It is layers and layers of fringe on the bottom. "Wow, I wonder how late she stayed up cutting all those slits?" wonders KMu. And we fear that she is going to burst into song: "At the Copa, Copa Cabana . . . " But this is our thing: once upon a time in college, we cut our hair very short for the First Time Ever since being mistaken for a boy as a child. And we were told by RSha that we looked like an Ostrich. And it was devastating. And ABe has never forgiven RSha since. So we can forgive Miss J this fatal fashion misstep a little.

We are also distracted by Wes, who is telling the boys of all the sex he will be having back home if he gets cut tonight. Reid looks like he may kill Wes. Kiptyn looks like he's worried he may have suddenly caught some airborn critter from the guy. But this, this is our plea to all the women of texas: Just Say No.

And Jillian does! (shocker). SHe picks:
1. Ed
2. Reid
3. And, as Wes is congratulating Kiptyn . . . Kiptyn.

Miss J wants to walk Wes out the door (holding his hand. ew ew ew), but Wes pulls the ultimate bully move and is all "I gotta say goodbye to my boys first" and turns away from her. Way to keep the power in your court, Wes. As he drives off in the limo drinking whiskey, he crows that he is the "first guy ever to make it to the bachelorette top 4 WITH a girlfriend. [dripping sarcasm] I think it's gonna take a long time to get used to this, but I think I'll get back on my feet." And then Mr. Resident Evil swears at the driver to stop going in circles and get him home. "We are pushin' out a new single. We have a big radio tour. I'm in spain. It's about to Go Down. I'm takin' off the chains clickity clickity click. Me lose to Reid? You gotta be kiddin.' I was born at night, but not last night. And Ed? That boy couldn't so much as get a nibble back in Texas. It's on, like a pot of napalm. I'm in Spain, everybody's gonna know my name."

Douchebag drunk slug of a person.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Hawaii and Ed whips out the Jorts . . . AND a man-tini.

K