The Big Fedotowsky Part 1: Silhouettes On the Shade

We know that have been living under a television rock these last several weeks, but as The Bachelorette: Season Big Fedotowsky warms to our screen, we gasp and then pause. It's Ali. In photoshopped silhouette against the sunset. And she looks like a damn giraffe. Is this secretly a silhouette of Jennifer Love Hewitt? Regardless, we suddenly want to go the mall so that we can purchase an airbrushed t-shirt. We are thinking an island theme, with a man and woman silhouetted against the water. And perhaps the word "foreveh" scrolled in pink and black underneath.

Anyway, the Big Fedotowsky is back, and this time it is For Real, babies. She tells us that "Looking back," she was, "so wrong." We are not sure if this is looking back on the fact of her participation in Season El Piloto, looking back on her departure from said Season, or looking back INTO THE 80S because if wearing belts over cableknit sweaters is really back in style, we are going to start shooting. Ali treats us to a fashion show as she says "this time," she is "ready to find love." Oh, the dresses. Oh, the little pantsuits. Oh the bikini with crotchtacular cargo pants beside the ocean. Boo.

But still, we are happy for Ali until ABC shows her running. We have no use for people who run. And also, she quite her job and moved out of her appartment. She has "no regrets" and is hopeful she will "find her husband" on this show. Sayeth KMu: "yeah, let's hope you do because you just quite your job in the worst economy since the great depression." Dumbass.

So let us meet the 25 contestants whom she will be expecting to support her within approximately 6 weeks of meeting her off the street. We hate this episode because we just do not need this kind of man flesh to cover on a weekly basis, but we shall do our best:

First up is Frank, a 31-year old Retail Manager from Chicago. Frank, gentle readers, used to be some high powered something or other until he quit his job to follow his bliss, and is now an "aspiring screenwriter" and likely working at the Gap. Well Ali, THAT's promising. We definately think you should hookup with Tobias Funke here.

Next up: Jay the lawyer. L.A. Law called and it wants Jimmy Smit's toupe back. And also his suit. Jimmy-Jay wears an ascot, babies. And he works in his father's firm. With his brother. Doing Personal Injury litigation. And then ABC takes it a step too far, demonstrating that Jimmy-Jay can authenticate a document in Court. Seriously, ABC, of all the fake lawyering you could show, you pick "is this a true and accurate representation . . . ?"

Oh, but we are not done: here is Craig from Toronto, also with an ascot (wtf is up with the ascots??). Craig is in dental sales. We wonder if he sells grills, and if so, whether we could get one. And also, we are impressed by his hair, which is sort of oompa-loompa-esque, but not green. "watch oot, toronto!" he says. We do not like him.

How fortunate that we now have Kyle the "outdoorsman." Oooo, we think the unemployed girl should hookup with the outdoorsman. "Yeah well he lives in Highland Ranch, CO" ABe says, "must come from money." Either way, Kyle looks like a human jackrabbit, shows us his dead animal collection and, as we watch him drill a hole for ice fishing, concludes that he "needs a woman now." Drill baby, drill.

We sort of like the next guy, Justin the "grandma's boy" because he speaks Greek and English, even if he has probably waxed every last inch of his body except his soul patch. And also, even if he is "Mr. Rated-R," an "entertainment wrestler" with the WWwhatever. And, we REALLY like Phil, a 30 year old investment manager from Chicago, who changed priorities when his brother passed away. Oh, we love you Phil!!

But then, omg it is Harry Potter, and he got lasik. Jonathan (age 30) is a weatherman. Okay, so we once had a crush on our local weatherman and were very sad for him when he broke his arm. But our weatherman did not look like Mr. Potter sans glasses. And our weatherman also told better bad jokes. We are a little freaked by Jonathan and his "its raining roses" commentary.

We feel that Ty, a 31 year old Medical Sales guy from nashville, is adequate, even if we can actually see the sunlight through his ears, so extended are they. We shall call you Tyumbo. We also feel somewhat positive about Chris of Cape Cod, who was a high school math teacher in NY until he moved back home to be with his sick mother. And, we REALLY like Roberrrrrrto, an insurance agent from somewhere, except now the boys are flashing across our screen fast and furious, and we cannot keep up. There is a Tyler V, somebody with tremendous tattoos, Derrick in construction, Steve a Sales rep, John in hotel business development, Kirk from Green Bay . . . . .

Thank god it is time for the limos to arrive, so that we can meet these persons in a more orderly fashion. But first, we must say that we do not like Ali's dress. It is black and schwoopy, which is fine. But then, the Big F turns, and we see . . . a rhinestone butt rose. SERIOUSLY? And also, two big random hoops of rhinestones hanging down her back. "Diamonds . . . for Mrs. Rogers . . . . ." we sing to ourselves as we flash back to our days as Third Chorus Girl on the Left. But then Ali turns, and we realize the rhinestones are in front like a choker too, and OMG one misstep and she will snap her little neck like a twig, Isadora Duncan style, and then ABC will have to go on hiatus and we will be sad. But more fundamentally, if the Big F does not stop mincing around apologetically with her shoulders all up the air, clutching the hem of said dress like a ragdoll, we are not going to Make It Through This Episode.

So Limo #1. Oh oh oh here is our P.O.C.!!! The limo driver is black!!! And then the sea of white:
1. Another Chris from Canada, this one from Vancouver. WTF, United States. Can't you find enough unemployed photogenic 20-somethings here?
2. Jesse, a general contractor from Pecular, Mo. ABe stops darkly making threats about not watching this show due to the lack of appropriate male attractiveness once Jesse exits the limo. Ha cha cha.
3. Chris of Cape Cod. Though previously a Person of Interest to us, Chris informs Ali that he is "feeling it." He is Dead to Us.
4. Tyumbo.
5. Frank Funke.

We are still unexcited as Limo #2 rolls up, bearing:
6. Justin "Mr. Rated -R" WWwhatever.
7. Jimmy-Jay. Seriously, SERIOUSLY, for the good of all lawyers everywhere, burn the suit, cut the hair, and stop calling Ali "sweetie." "How ya doin,' sweetie?" he queries. "Fine, doll. Won't you be a puss and grab me a cup of coffee?" we mutter.
8. Yet another Chris. Some sort of entrepreneur. We don't really know anything about him because we were too busy having a seizure looking at his electric turquoise tie.
9. Mrs. Donovan, Charlie Brown's teacher. A/K/A Kasey the advertising account executive. We know he says something, except he sounds like a drunk smurf so we don't know what.
10. Kyle the "outdoorsman" who seriously "reels" Ali in to him. He is toast.

Limo #3 has. . ..
11. Roberrrrrto. Oh la la, he speaks to her in Spanish. Thank God this isn't Arizona: "Do you have papers?" asks KMu.
12. Oompa Loompa Craig of the Dental Sales. In ANOTHER ascot.
13. John N of Witchita, in computer sales. We don't know anything about this person, except we wonder if he is Mennonite because who else lives in Witchita.
14. Tyler V, of internet sales. In monotone, he expresses how he "really cannot tell you. how excited I am. to meet you, ali."
15. John of the hotel sales. Oh oh oh, we might have our first (or 15th) closeted gay!!! He gets on one knee and gives Ali a cubic zirconia ring. "Such a great group of guys," Ali says. We weap for her.

But we are also thankful that we only have two limos left because we are getting tired. In Limo #4 we find:
16: Mr. Potter, who has seriously taken a David's Bridal bridesmaid dress and converted it into a shirt and tie. It is turquoise. It is plaid. It is shiny.
17. Craig, ANOTHER lawyer. And this one has googly eyes. Dammit ABC, 40% of the legal workforce is unemployed right now. Unshackled from the office, our brethren are tanned. They are toned. They no longer look like fat white albinos. And THIS is the one you pick? RAGE.
18. Steve from Cleveland. All we know is that he licked his teeth.
19. Kirk, who does magic tricks!! Ooo, he folds a paper rose. We are impressed only because it has a leaf. Richard the Science Teacher from Season Jillian made one in origami, and shall forever be our favorite fake-rose-creator.
20. Another Tyler, this one a catering manager who comes out of the limo wearing cowboy boots. You know, because Ali wore cowboy boots when she got out of the limo the first time. "No I didn't" says Ali. "Oh, you didn't?" says Tyler. "No," says Ali.

Epic. Fail.

But now we have the last limo, if my babies are still reading this, and it goes something like this:
21. Hunter. This person was obviously born in the late 80s, with a name like that. His middle name is probably "pierce." Blah blah, oh, she's so beautiful.
22. Seriously like the THIRD Tyler. All we know is that his suit is all wonkity.
23. Phil, our investment manager from Chicago and Only Hope.
24. Derrick. Construction?
25. Jason, who does a backflip off the limo. "Let's get it started," he says to Ali. Yes, let's.

Inside, Ali minces into the room clutching her dress to adulations from the menfolk. "Oh, she is so beautiful!" "Oh, sweet as apple pie!" "She is super fly!" (This last one is from Roberrrrto. We love him, but dude.). Ali's opening lines to them, in return, are "have my back because I will have yours." Except they can't have your back, Ali. Not really. Because if someone were to hook one of those little rhinestone ropes, C.S.I. would be trying to figure out how the dead girl got nugget shaped bruise marks across her throat (see, e.g., snap like a twig, supra).

Anyhow, so begins the marathon of 1:1 times. Frank Funke steals Ali first. Hey guess what! He quit is job and moved to Paris! Gee, she quit her job and left her apartment too (wow, we never heard that before). She is "stunning. Everything Frank Funke ever wanted." Well, they can live in a van down by the river together.

Slightly more promising is Kirk, who creates a scrapbook. Random guy wants to know, "did he just say macrame?" We are liking Kirk more than Frank Funke until Kirk describes his "gorgeous mother." Oh dear. Off to the next guy: Mrs. Donovan. We think that Mrs. Donovan may be a little more promising than both of them, except we still can't understand a word he says to Ali. Wah wah wah meet wah wah you. He is seriously smurfed. Then comes 1:1 time with Hunter, who plays the ukulele:
"My name is Hunter. I'm 28.
I came on this show to find a mate.
I can fix anything around the house.
Bet you think I would be one hell of a spouse."

We heart the ukulele much more than we heart Hunter. Suddenly, we are flashed back to 2nd grade, and songs about Jolly Fat Dutchmen and whales that eat airdales to the tune of Mrs. P's mad ukulele stylings. Oh! But we digress, because really, what is much more important is the fact that Derek has just revealed why his nickname is "Shooter:" "Because I might have prematurely. . . this one time . . . in college . . . accidentally. . . . so that's how maybe." OH MY GOD. We think the best part of this story is that he premised it with, "perhaps this is too soon." hahahahhaa.

Mixing things up a bit, Mr. Potter and oompa-loompa Craig have a 2:1 with Ali, except that Mr. Potter is talking the entire time about how "honesty is huge thing." Yes yes, it is the basis of every relationship, as our favorite evil character in Some Kind of Wonderful says to all the girls. But the oompa loompa does gain mad points for the twitch in his lips when Mr. Potter drops that bomb on Ali.

Our favorite 1:1 time by far is with Roberrrrrto, who is from Tampa, but recently moved to Charleston. And also, teaches Ali how to salsa dance. Be still my beating heart. It almost makes up for Chris of Cape Cod telling Ali she looks "wicked awesome." And for having to watch Jimmy-Jay be dismayed because he "totally blew it" by not opening up to Ali when he had the opportunity. No, "sweetie," your first mistake was signing up for this show because you KNOW if they bring you on as a lawyer, there is something funky about you.

As the evening ends, we have some final 1:1s with Justin-Rated-R, who shows his pro wrestling t-shirt to Ali, sparking the jealous rage of all men and causing Craig, the googling lawyer to warn Ali that there are "some guys not here for the right reasons." Justin is apparently on Craig's List (we are sorry, but it had to be said). Everybody drink!! We become even more horrified as Craigslist produces two yellow high top shoe key chains to prove that he is, in fact, there for the right reasons. KMu wants to know if the store ran out of "BFF" interlocking heart keychains.

Fortunately, the evening's 1:1's end on a high note, with Hot Jesse giving Ali the only cool gift of the evening (scrap book excluded, as we heart a good scrap book provided it is not done ScrapBooking style with shizz from the craft store): a heart necklace that Hot Jesse made with a jigsaw! This is seriously cool. And even better, shortly after this 1:1 time, Ali gives the first safety rose of the evening to . . . . Roberrrrto!!! Hunter is all upset because Roberto did a "hot sauce" dance. "Let the racism come out," sayeth ABe.

And then. . . . the big guy that kicked Rozlyn out of the house in Season El Piloto is bringing a ballot box out. Okay, seriously gentle readers. It has now been nine years since we first expressed our aspiration of becoming the thing-bearer during rose ceremonies, and yet we have STILL not climbed that corporate ladder to success. We can wear black and sneak in and off set as well as this guy! We are going to start a petition to ABC. Anyway, the boys must select which person they feel is most deserving to go home, and place that name in the ballot box that this viewer did not get to bring on set (dammit).

And, after much deliberation, the Most Hated Man-Contestant is . . . Justin-Rated-R! We are somewhat surprised, but in the special 1:1 time in which Ali must Grill Him and find out if he is Here For The Right Reasons, Justin opines that he is probably hated because people think he is there for the "wrong reasons," (everybody drink), such as to promote his WWwhatever career. We think he's probably right, and so apparently does Ali, for she saves him with a rose!

And to join Roberrrrrto and Justin-R-Rated, she picks:
1. Hot Jesse (sidebar: how is it possible that out of 25 men, we have 2 Jesses, 2 Tylers, and at least 4 Chrises?)
2. Tyumbo
3. Craigslist
4. Another Tyler -- the internet guy that looks like Eddie Munster.
5. Frank Funke
6. Steve.
7. Chris "Wicked Awesome" of Cape Cod.
8. Scrapbooking Kirk
9. John. Hotel person? Maybe?
10. Chris from Witchita.
11. Another Chris.
12. Hunter ("Thank God," he says. Uncharitable. humph.)
13. Craig Oompa Loompa canadian.
14. Mr. Potter; and . . . .
15. Mrs. Donovan.

WHAT? Phil the investment banker goes home. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! And also, Shooter is ejected (hahaha). And also, Jimmy-Jay. And the outdoorsman. So we are not surprised by the last three, but we are devastated by the loss of Phil, as Ali officially has no hope except for maybe Roberrrrrto and Hot Jesse.

Stay tuned for this season, in which we cannot escape male nipples and Mrs. Donovan wears a burberry scarf while pining for the Big Fedotowsky in a candlelit room.

Alas, and while we know that neither you nor this viewer shall survive it, we are going to have a Forced Separation from the Bachelorette next week, as we shall be on a boat to Alaska. Therefore, and unless we can find internet service, we shall bring a Double Header to you in two weeks. We apologize, babies. We hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive us for our ill-timed, but much needed, vacaciones.

KLo