Other Becca Part Finale: We Are Not Surprised.

Babies, It’s the “Television Event of the Summer,” according to Chris Harrison.  Which is why this Viewer could not bring herself to watch it until a substantial time delay had occurred.  Also, it is THREE HOURS long.

Our Diabolic Host:  “We have never before witnessed how broken hearted the man she doesn’t pick is!”
And once again:  “Let’s all find out together how this ends.”

We submit that if this does not end prior to 10 pm and also, with a hot toddy in hand we are going to be upset.

Immediately we are in the Maldives, which is the “most romantic place” Other Becca has ever been. This apparently inspires her to wear a ruffled bikini and skort situation.  And do yoga. And swim in an infinity pool in her false lashes.  You know, as the sun rises.

Let us tell you how the morning begins for This Author:  We stumble downstairs, make a pot of tea, and then spend the next 20 minutes sweating in a bathrobe while watering the children (plants) as we are eaten alive by mosquitos.  Surely, if we moved to Maldives we would rediscover yoga and infinity pools.  We make a note to inform our husband.

But things improve when Other Becca meets her family, who are all genuinely nice people, and sits in her momma’s lap.   As a Momma Lap Sitter No Matter The Age, this Author approves.  However, we suddenly become arrested by Other Becca’s sister and her fabulous hair:

While we are admiring, Other Becca confesses that she loves two men, and “needs help” choosing. 

Then Garrett shows up carrying A Vegas Showgirl’s Top:

What to say here.  Everyone is excited, they follow the outline provided by ABC of hearing about the happy couple’s prior dates, Garrett makes a toast a dinner to people only there in spirit.  And then in 1:1 times, Other Becca reveals to her mom that she feels like she can be “all of me” with Garrett and we feel The Cowboy is toast.

Garrett, unexpectedly, cries his way through his 1:1 times.  Other Becca’s uncle asks what’s up with Garrett’s prior 2 month marriage, Garrett explains that there was a “huge blow up” between his ex wife and his family that his ex “never tried to work through,” and then he starts crying talking about various losses in his family, and then the Uncle starts crying, and THEN they start laughing because they are both crying together and it is actually rather endearing.

In 1:1 time with The Sister, The Sister feels like she has known Garrett forever.   Also, they Talk A Big Game about how Garrett wants to be 50/50 in a relationship just like Other Becca.  We tell the television that until Garrett cooks dinner, cleans the kitchen and picks up the drycleaning, while also noting that the air conditioner needs serviced and handling it without prompting because his wife is broken and needs to watch Netflix for an afternoon, he likely does not realize what 50/50 can sometimes mean.

In any event, Garrett cries again to the sister as he says that he wants to put Other Becca first, always make sure she feels safe, “guard her heart” (wtf does that mean; rage), and so forth.   This goes over big with The Sister, who informs Other Becca that Garrett feels like he has found his person in her.

Garrett gives hugs in a round and end scene.

Next up:  The Cowboy.  But only after another Ominous Reminder from Chris Harrison that this Finale is THREE HOURS.   

Once again, The Sister’s Hair is the most interesting part of this date.  

The Cowboy: “I’m nervous but I’m excited I AM excited I’m nervous but excited.” 
He is also completely terrified that “someone else could have what we have.”

Again, we go through the script of discussions about past dates, when he told her he loved her, etc.  The Sister asked how The Cowboy what’s so good about Other Becca and he wins All Of The Points with this Author for explaining that he is surrounded by strong women and gravitates towards them, and he feels like Other Becca is the strongest woman he’s met.   Well that is a bit more hopeful than “guard and protect her heart.” It’s a heart, not a bone, babies.

The Cowboy also says that as far as challenging moments, he was doing fine until last week, when he simultaneously realized how much he loved Other Becca and also, how strong her connections were with other men.   Ooooo.  

The sister tells Other Becca what she clearly does not want to hear:  “Garrett would be a wonderful father, but the Cowboy would challenge you and be more of a teammate.”  Other Becca’s face falls and she starts to cry.  She explains that for the “longest time” she thought the Cowboy was the one for her, but Garrett kept coming “up and up” and now she is basically having anxiety about dumping the Cowboy for Garrett (not in those words).

ABC tries to soften the blow by showing a lot of The Cowboy talking over people. And also the following:

Mom to The Cowboy:  “You’ll be fine either way, if she picks you or not.”

Other Family Member to the Cowboy:  “Someone is going to be sent home.”
Uncle to the Cowboy:  “is there anything I will be concerned about with Garrett?” 

The Cowboy:  “I don’t want to talk about Garrett anymore!!” He also feels that something is off with 

Other Becca and says probably the most observant thing he’s said all season:   “It sort of stinks that our relationship went so fast because now there’s this fresh new thing with Garrett that she’s drawn to. She’s going to pick him.”

Once again, the family is telling Other Becca what she does not want to hear:
Mom:  “The Cowboy seems more equal, on your level as a teammate.”
Sister:  “You were like a matched pair with the Cowboy.” 

Meanwhile, Garrett has a “really beautiful soul LIKE A POET.”

Oh hell no.

Other Becca starts crying again and sits on her Momma’s lap, as mom tells her she just wants her to be happy, but reminds her that she can’t avoid hurting someone here.

Update From This Author’s Vantage:  This is interminable.

We move on to the final dates.  The first one is with Garrett, involving monkey clip hugs and taking a boat ride to talk about how lucky they are and how she likes that things “evolved slowly” with him.  

As they talk, we ask what is happening here:

Babies, these are not lashes found in nature.  And they should not be lashes found On The High Seas.

This portion of the date ends with dolphins following the boat and everyone screaming in excitement as Garrett tells the camera that they can be “100% ourselves with each other.”   He says, “Maybe it’s the girl. Maybe it’s the equator. But I’m on top of the world right now.”  Violins play as they swim, the dolpins swim, we all swim together.

Later that evening, Garrett lights all of the candles for Other Becca and once again takes us by surprise by saying that while he feels he needs her in his life to make him a better person, he wants to actually make sure she feels the same way about him because that’s important.  And if it isn’t him in the end, he will be ok so long as she is happy.  She says it feels like “a little bit of home” with Garrett.

There is some kissing but we are playing on our phone. 

Next up:  The Cowboy.  Other Becca ALSO tackles him as she tells the camera that she feels their “hearts recognize each other.”  This date involves riding bikes around the island.

This Author got a bike a few years ago after not riding since age 11.  Which led to a Moment of Drills by this Author’s husband after he witnessed this Author nearly crash into every parked car in a cul-de-sac because we are Turning Impaired.  It was not a proud moment.  Also, we have not gotten on our bike since then.

Blah blah paddle boarding, swimming, turtles, the Cowboy can’t believe how he feels, and there is a lot of the Cowboy saying “No one can make her ____ like I can” and while that is probably true, we are tired.  But Other Becca also does a lot of “gee this is so hard to figure out what is best, I’m trying not to be in my head” and we are pretty sure the Cowboy is picking up on this. 

Other Becca then says, as they kiss into the sunset in Phase 1 of this date:  The Cowboy is “steady” and “solid” and she’s “never really had that in her past relationships.”   GURL.   That evening during Phase 2, he gives her a time capsule and Other Becca tells him that she knows he is a guy who says what he means and stands by what he says.  GUUUURL.

We cut to an ad break.  But not before Mein Host says “Coming up!  It is a break up SO PAINFUL that . . . to be honest, it is difficult to watch even for me!!!!”

F- you, Chris Harrison.

  

Now it is the day of the deed.  As Other Becca reads a letter from her sister to the camera (“I don’t want to tell you who to pick . . .  but I hope you pick the man that will CHALLENGE YOUR MIND.”), the men go pick out very ugly rings designed by Neil Lane.   

Other Becca tells the camera that she has “not only found my partner, but myself” in this whole Bachelorette process.  Thank god, because she has a long way to find the rose ceremony.

First, she walks the plank:

Then, she nearly dies crossing the hot sands:

Finally, she has to mount someone’s art project:

Like, what is happening here:

Chris Harrison:  “I remind you that what is coming up is HORRIBLE and we all need to prepare ourselves for what we are about to see!!”

Which surprisingly, is not this dress:

Yup, we all guessed it.   The Cowboy is the first off the boat and the one to get the boot.  As he tells the camera how exciting it is going to be for him to hear her say yes, he launches into his speech about how he is a better man with her, and she is [insert superlatives] and he has been waiting for this moment. 

Other Becca then stops The Cowboy to tell him that he is the most solid relationship, but because of that solidity (???) she overlooked other relationships and she is not ready to say goodbye to one of them. 

The poor Cowboy looks like he is going to pass out.  As Other Becca does more damage by saying that they “could be right together” but there is a “better fit” for them, he visibly recoils and still appears not to be breathing.  He can barely get the words out but says weakly that he didn’t expect this and that she is making a mistake, and also, “I guess this is goodbye.” 

 His last words, before we see uncontrollable weeping, are “I love you.  Bye.”

We feel devastated for him, and then a little jarred because suddenly the camera pans to him sitting with Chris Harrison, who delightedly tells us all that The Cowboy just watched The Big Dump “For the first time!!”

The Cowboy clearly is feeling his contractual obligation to show up at this “live tv event.”  He dodges most of Chris’s questions (“was it almost too easy for you guys?  Do you still love Other Becca?”) and then he carefully tells the camera that there are no hard feelings for Becca.  He wants her to be happy.  It’s just been difficult that they have not been able to talk at all the last few months.

Out pops Other Becca from the side, and we once again are taken by surprise by The Cowboy (in a good way):

Other Becca: “Are you ok? You look good.”
The Cowboy: “Yeah, I wasn’t’ going to come out in a hoodie or something.”

Other Becca explains that there was nothing that triggered her decision; she was just globally evaluating both relationships and concluded that her relationship with Garrett was best.  There are apologies and well wishes and now Chris Harrison wants to know what will “help” The Cowboy move on.

Crap.  They want to make him the next bachelor.

The Cowboy:  “I’ve learned and grown a lot.  I’m not going to be afraid to fall in love, or apologize for how hard I love.”

Crap crap crap.

With that, we dive back into the final rose ceremony.  Other Becca is now back in the Maldives, on the platform and talking about all the future things she can see with Garrett.  Garett, meanwhile, is telling the camera that he has prayed to “God and his family and friends and to Becca’s dad that the journey won’t end here,” which is weirdly sweet in a crossing all fingers and toes type way.

He tells Other Becca that she is his world, he says that he reminds her of home and she loves him.  They kiss.  He gets on one knee, she says yes, he accepts the final rose.

And then we see that P.O.S. Chris Harrison once again, who tells us all “but there’s more!!!” 

That’s right.  Because now Garrett and Becca are back out in front of the viewing audience, and Other Becca is telling everyone that she is wildly happy.  She says that she realized she loved him when she was leaving his home town date and eating a nasty airport breakfast quesadilla.  She ran into his cousins in the airport and then started crying into her quesadilla. As one does.

The rest of this (did we mention) THREE HOUR finale is just filler.  Chris Harrison shows a short video of the couple’s “secret meetings” while the show was airing. Garrett talks about his controversial “likes” on social media, in which he basically says that he has no control over his fingers.  And Chris Harrison overtly keeps digging for “the bottom” of Other Becca’s relationship with Garrett.

The happy couple will be moving in together but . . . they don’t know where.  They dodge a lot of questions about the future.  And, Chris Harrison announces that they are sending the couple back to Thailand as an engagement gift.  Which is something that ABC has not sprung for since the last season when the couple refused to commit.   ABC also gifts them with a mini-van full of baby gear because wow that is aggressive.

We end awkwardly on that note, following a few highlights of Bachelor in Paradise (which only confirms this Author’s intention not to watch).

Stay cool, babies.

KLo

Other Becca Part Men Tell All: Nope.

Babies, we opened our laptop to slog through the Second Worst Episode After the Season Opener, a.k.a. “The Men Tell All,” saw this as the teaser image, and almost shut our laptop again.

We make pitiful eyes at our Husband, who is Doing Work Items Across A Crowded Room and therefore is unaware of the trauma being imposed on his wife through her ear muffs.

We begin with a plug for Bachelor in Paradise, which this Author will not be watching.  Highlights:

A.  Kendall.
B. The Potential for Coach Krystal and Puddy to get together.
C.   Puddy:  “I’m pretty sure I’ve got a pair of testicles and the prettiest girl on my arm.” 

Coach Krystal, gratuitously in the audience to discuss the upcoming show, describes it as “A lot of glitter and a lot of tears.”  Suspiciously absent from her voice is the Pfweeeeee present during Season Ari.

Now we welcome the men who have crawled out of a rock/been contractually obligated to appear here tonight:  Jake (who?), Christian (who?) Kamil (who?) Christon (who?), John the software guy, Jean Blanc, Joe the grocery store owner, Carlisle Cullin, Conner, Puddy, Dazed and Confused Mike, Chicken Man, Kenny G, Wills, Colton, and JASON.  YAYAYAYAY THE CROWD GOES WILD.

We begin on a tentatively positive note when Chris Harrison asks Jason to describe the first night, and Jason describes blacking out because Other Becca was so stunning and then forgetting everything he had to say.  This totally happens every time a man meets this Author. 

But then the next 20 minutes devolves into Pet Store Cacophony.  As the men chirp, bark, and hiss at each other regarding Tia/Colton, Jean Blanc confessing his love and taking it back, DC Mike losing his shit, and Puddy’s tendency to take off his clothes, we read Humans of New York, clip our nails, and contemplate a bedtime tea.

Chris Harrison: “Where do you start with this buffet?”

He starts with DC Mike going all Holding Out for a Hero crazy. 
CH: “Kenny G, what happened there?”
Kenny G:  “Well, Other Becca didn’t seek him out on a group date and DC Mike lost his F*ing mind.”  
DC Mike:  “Yeah, the wheels fell off.”

After more fighting amongst the group, we move on to Jean Blanc and his moment of “I love you.  Here is a special scent I made for you.  Oh wait, I don’t actually love you – I just said that because I thought its what you wanted to hear.”  As Jean Blanc attempts (unsuccessfully) to make himself sound like less of a Turd Burger, Colton keeps chirping in little barbs and indignant statements like a Sports Parent screaming through the fence.

Jean Blanc makes a slur regarding Colton’s virginity that The BNU will not repeat, and everyone wants to kill him.  Finally Jason speaks up, silencing the group with the obvious respect he has from all of them (TEAM JASON).  He says, “Here is the problem.  Love is a powerful emotion, and it should not be abused. And you abused it and that was a discredit to this group of men and to Other Becca.”

But we’re already on to the next scene, which is Colton and Puddy taking swings at each other, followed by Puddy and Chicken Man.  At some point, the following is uttered:

Puddy:  “I got billboards up in all their minds, baby! I should have worn a work vest!”

Now some random guy named Camille that did not make it past night 1 is saying that he has a real life day job as a banker, and only models as a hobby, and why can’t Puddy get a real job.  Puddy criticizes his capris length suit pants (fair point) and loafers, and the next 2 minutes are spent discussion about who else in the group of men is wearing socks . . . or not.

Chris Harrison gives Puddy the last word:
  “Camille, F--k you.”  He says.

This Author is Not Going to Survive this episode.

But now Puddy is talking about . . . we don’t really know. 

Puddy:   “You could put me in a box and I would have a great time. There is not one person in this room who is more confident than me.”   Ok, Donald J.
Puddy Again: “Well you know, when you are driving a rolls Royce, you are going to periodically roll the windows down and say hello to people.”
Wills:  “WHAT?”
Jason:  Hahahahaha.

Puddy is apparently the Rolls Royce in this story.

Also, he is wearing the golden underwear.

Next, we hear from Grocery Joe, who also got kicked off night 1 but apparently made an impression with “Bachelor Nation” that carried on via the interwebs for weeks thereafter.  He makes an impression with this Author for his honesty:

Chris Harrison:  “Tell me how your experience was on the show?”
Grocery Joe:  “It was pretty bad.  I went home.  Like, right away.” 

As The Harrison reads tweets from viewers about Grocery Joe, he says “Um, that’s nice.”
And then, growing exasperated with Joe’s lack of panache, Chris Harrison finally says “You are a man of few words aren’t you?”
Grocery Joe:  “Nah, I talk a lot but here with all these cameras. . . .um, what do you want to know?”
CH:  “Are you still single?”
Grocery Joe:  “Well, I’m going to be on Bachelor in Paradise so you gotta wait and see.”

Damn.  He almost made it through without demonstrating poor judgment.

After Grocery Store Joe, Wills takes the “hot seat.”  He talks about his “journey,” and we feel bad for him because he felt All of the Feelings.  Chris Harrison asks him about his fashion sense also, and we love him for his throw back to his family:

Wills:  “My dad used to be a bit of a peacock growing up.  But you just have to be confident in yourself and try things out.”

Less interestingly, ABC next walks us through Colton’s “journey,” including the big fat dump.  He starts to tear up when he talks about the cheap shots being thrown at him for his virginity (Jean Blanc, the turd), and everyone says that they “respect” and “see” him.   This Author personally wants to throw a tomato at every person who claims to “see” her so we can imagine how this goes over with Colton in his mind.

Finally, FINALLY, we have Jason.  We don’t know what to say about Jason, who sheds a tear as he watches his relationship with Other Becca back, tells the audience that he connected on every level with her, further tells the audience that they are “sweet” for supporting him, and says he hopes he can maintain a friendship with Other Becca going forward.

THIS GUY.   As Chris Harrison tentatively says “your brother. . .” Jason jumps in:  “Love is Love is Love, and it does not matter to me if you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender – I look up to my brother and his relationship and . . .”
Chris Harrison cuts him off: “It’s good to have clarification on that.”

WTF.

Jason is too good for this show, also because of this:

Chris Harrison: “So what’s up with you being dubbed the best kisser by Other Becca?  Any tips?”
Jason:  “Well, remember she forgot my name, right?  After I kissed her, she didn’t forget my name!”

Hahahaha.

At last Other Becca comes out.  Jason blows her a kiss and we swoon.  She tells him that he is amazing and they hug and he is a gentleman and we swoon again.  We equally swoon when he reveals that his mother texts him the throw-up emoji every time she hears that her son is a good kisser.

Uninterestingly, we discuss the “Tia Situation” and Colton’s virginity, Wills weirdly said that Other Becca “healed” him, and Jean Blanc is awkward:
Jean Blanc:  You look and smell amazing.”
Other Becca:  “Yeah, it’s not your perfume” (ahahaha).
Jean Blanc:  [insert awkward apology].
Jean Blanc:  [gives Other Becca ANOTHER perfume.]
Jason:  [head in hands].

After some back and forth about Puddy being “funny” and some crap about kicking out Grocery Store Joe on the first night, Dazed and Confused Mike is given the floor.  He apologizes for “multiple occasions” of “feeling entitled” and “losing control” and “letting his insecurities take over.” And then brings out a gospel choir to sing “DC Mike was a jerk.”

We end with bloopers.  The best one is Chris Harrison asking some little girl at the infamous “Virginia Debate” episode how old she is (12), and then telling her she needs to stay in school because she is about to see what happens when you drop out.

Truth.

KLo.