Double D Part 6: Your Momma Made My Hands Sweat

So, Double D is selecting clothes out of a closet full of chiffon and sequinny belly dancing outfits for her dates with the four remaining boys as we begin Part 6. And yet somehow, she ends up with a plain red knit coat thing down to her ankles. Save us from the Whacker, jedi knight. You're our only hope.

In any event, we hear her thoughts on the four remaining guys. Jeranilla is "everything she ever wanted," Jesse's heart has "gotten" to her and changed her mind the most, Big Daddy is "here for the right reasons" (and also because CHue a.k.a. "Chuey" has been saying the rosary for him, we are pretty sure), and Graham whacker is "smokin hot." We do not understand this, as he looks like the Grinch of Appalachia. But fortunately, we are not left pondering for long because.....We are off to date #1 in Breckenridge, Colorado with Jesse!!!! Yay, Jesse!!! We are pretty sure we heart him secondmost to Richard (R.I.P.).

So, J-dawg is teaching the D to snowboard: "You wear suits, I wear boots." PMu will be writing the country lyrics to this gem shortly. But oooo, Jesse is a good teacher. Even though we might pee our snowsuit if we were to surf down a giant mountain, we give Deanna props for hanging tough. This leads to a nice conversation about Jesse's parents and how his dad will completely tell him when he's wrong, and how Deanna thinks she needs someone unafraid of her in her life, as she is headstrong and needs a boy who stands up to her. And also, Jesse wants someone who will be there for him even if he becomes a quadriplegic. Oh, the romance. The first part of this date ends with Jesse snowboarding with Deanna piggy-back. "Watch out for that tree!!!" she yells as ABC cuts to black.

This moment was brought to you by Sonny Bono.

So then we see Jesse's house, and all its perfectness for short small people everywhere. We heart this house, as well as the electronic labeler with which he has branded his kitchen. We are also impressed that (1) he started a non-profit for underprivileged kids with snowboarding skills to learn the trade, and more importantly (2) that he didn't hit Deanna over the head with said nonprofit until she walked into his house and saw the logo.

And then we meet Jesse's mother and Willy Nelson. Fortunately, his dad is just wearing fake long hair (although the ginormous bolo tie is real). These people are fabulous. Dad wants to know if DD looks Jesse in the eyes when talking to him and admits that "Your momma made my palms sweat" when Jesse says DD has that effect on him. Mom tells Double D that she would give her life for Jesse, that they couldn't have kids for 12 years and then finally conceived Jesse when they stopped trying. They gave him his name because it meant "gift from God." And then Dad makes us get a little teary recounting the same story to DD, concluding that "when he was born, I quit being my own person." Oh!

Ahem. So this date ends with a romanticky carriage ride in which Jesse FINALLY kisses Deanna (though we are not sure how well) and we all wonder if their noses don't get all snotty in the cold.

Date #2 is in Dallas, TX with Jeranilla, whom we pretty much hate right away for roaring up on a big motorcycle to pick her up, even though she thinks it's "hawt" because he knows she thinks it's hawt and that is not okay. We also hate this because he says there is "something about her riding behind me, legs wrapped around me." Boo.

Off we roar to Jeranilla's house, in all its perfectly decorated, hip splendor. Sayeth DD, "Perfect man, perfect house" blah blah blah gag. But we know that Jeremy has absolutely no Snap by the fact that he still has bar exam flash card posters taped to his living room wall. We also know that he deliberately left them up because his house is not "always this clean," (translation: "I cleaned it especially for you and made a choice to remind you that I AM A LAWYER by leaving the evidence of my ignorance on my prominently featured living room wall."). We also don't like him because he has real furniture that matches, even if the only reason we don't have any is because we hate shopping.

So he shows Deanna pictures of family and reads her his journal from his mother's last days. And while we can appreciate his opening up, we are not quite sure that it's the best thing to conclude one is "like" a person because you are both grieving the death of a parent, even if it gives one license to say that this person is "breaking down your walls" (just not the bar review ones).

Soon we meet brothers Jason and Patrick, along with sister-in-law Meridith. We cannot stop thinking about that girl in the movie Confetti with the large nostrils. We also don't really want to recount much of this big event, as it consists mostly of everyone saying how perfect and nice and sensitive and nilla Jeranilla is, the brothers grilling Deanna, and a fade out to Deanna and Jeremy on the sofa kissing with "corporations: P.U.F.F.Y. C.A.T." as a backdrop.

Soon it's time for Date #3 with Big Daddy in Seattle. Deanna is wearing a very, VERY yellow, shapeless jacket. Suck it in, Big Bird, 'cause we're going up in the space needle. We will not make fun of her for not knowing what the needle is, as we *might* have not known what the CN Tower was until recently. Yes, we were born under a rock.

We would like very much to return to said rock, as we suffer through a stilted conversation that may be summed as "would you like three kids? I'd like three kids" and how Double D wants to be a "young mom." We squewer thee with the hairy eyeball, Deanna, on behalf of all of us about to turn 1 year older than dirt. We are slightly mollified when Deanna is bitten by a duck while feeding the ducks with Big Daddy's son, Ty. It almost makes up for Deanna declaring that "the most perfect moment she'd ever seen" was when Ty and Big Daddy went running towards each other across the grass.

Soon we get to meet Big Daddy's mom, dad, two brothers, and sister in law. Once again, we love these people and their efforts to make greek food, do a toast with ouzo, and learn greek dancing. Big Daddy's family does the same "you need to open up, Big D" and "you are a special girl, Double D" as seen now three times on DD Part 6. We are not quite sure how Deanna managed to find three really nice families and then we remember . . . .

Graham whacker. Date #4 is in Raleigh at, well, Graham's high school (oh, he's that guy). We are dismayed to learn that Deanna "cannot keep her hands" off Graham and just thinks he's fabulous as he shoots hoops. We are also a little dismayed that both his and her b-ball jerseys have his last name emblazoned on them. What if she wants to keep her own? Hyphenate?

We are left hanging as we learn this was "where it all began" for Graham. On a team called The Cougars. We feel this explains a lot about Graham and his inability to date anyone longer than FOUR WEEKS according to his mother. Anyway, Deanna is all excited that Graham is being more talkative and affectionate, but we are not listening because she has now changed clothing and dear lord, her top is a horrendous blotch of polka dots and a giant necktie. We are pretty sure the top left dot reads: "I went to Clown College and All I Got Was this Crappy Halter."

We like Graham's mom and dad, even if they kept his bedroom as a shrine to all things Graham and basketball. We also remain hopeful that, after his own mother sells him out as probably not ready for a grown-up relationship, Double D will finally realize that the whacker needs to get the axe.

This date ends with Graham and Double D. On a park bench. In the middle of the woods (sort of, since a giant plane flew over). As he is drinking scotch from a plastic cup. And not talking to her. While simultaneously defending his lack of talking as handling things "internally." We may go completely ape if she says one more time that she feels "happy with," "close to," or "content" not talking to Graham whacker after fidgeting for 15 minutes during this little episode.

Mercifully, it is finally finally the rose ceremony. Having now concluded that the only thing standing between us and a completely boring final few episodes is Jesse, we pray fervently that Deanna's "fixin' to go from 4 guys to 3" includes our boy. And speaking of.... Jesse walks in wearing a white linen suit more suitable for Buttafuoco or Don Johnson, but we give him an A for effort. Our hearts lift as Double D comments in the dub-over that her relationship with Jesse is developing more normally than with the other dudes. Unfortunately, he is followed by "perfect" Jeranilla. Then Big Daddy. And then..

Oh. Holy. Jesus. Graham Whacker has managed to prepare for boarding school, the prom, a country club, and the bar all in one clever, clever outfit. He has jeans. A white button-down shirt untucked. A blood red satin tie. A burgundy algebra-teacher sweater. And a blue blazer. We recover from our seizure only long enough to watch Double D pick:

1. Jesse (OPA!!!!)
2. Jeranilla
3. Big Daddy.

Ooo, Graham goes home. But as she walks him to the door, he proves just how hopelessly young he is for his age as he says she is "entitled to her opinion and now she just made it easier for herself by telling herself" that he didn't open up, etc. And once again, we heart Deanna for fighting back and telling him that he was the one person she was falling in love with and then she had to send him home because he was such a tard. She cries, he looks away, he makes it worse by giving her a card with thoughts he "couldn't say," and she wonders if she will Ever Love Again.

Stay tuned for next week, when Jesse doesn't know if he can stay in the Grand Bahamas Fantasy Suite with Double D before meeting her dad. Or alternatively, when the Men Tell All.

KLo

Double D Part 5: Buttafuoco's Last Stand

Boo for the two-part special episode, in which Deanna First must Tell All in the dress Angel Hair Barbie once wore on Star Trek while masquerading as Vanna White. We weep for her ladybits, so dangerously close to a fresh air escape.

But the "revealing look" into the soul of The Bachelorette to which Chris Harrison alludes is actually to the manpersons still vying for Double D's attention. Well. All we really care about here is that she and also the tribal people of the rain forest did not realize RLaV was a virgin, that she was embarrassed for Paul of Canada's pool jumping escapades, and that Pinkie le Chef won her over by cooking *coughgrandstandingcough* that first night. Oh, and that the show is "real." As for the remaining men, she is drawn to Graham like crack (and that is whack), she's never opened up to anyone about her mom like she did to Big Daddy, and she and Buttafuoco had a "great connection on the race track."

According to Buttafuoco, said connection was because no one else shares a bond like they do living in Kentucky. "Except everyone else who lives in Kentucky," says KMu.

But then, a moment of silence for Our Beloved (R.I.P.). Why didn't Deanna pick Richard?? We all secretly know it's because Richard is Saving Himself for the Kloicious, but she tells the world it's because there was no connection. Ok fine, that is better than the next teaser for the Most Dramatic Outhouse Date Ever (which we also all know is between our person of significance and guest toilet post-mexican. R.I.P., porcelain.)

ANYWAY, blah blah 2:1 date recap with Pinkie le Chef and Fred da bears, blah blah Trista and Ryan footage re-shown from prior seasons.

Dear Trista,
It's okay that you got rejected by Alex Michel because he is going to look like a trout in 10 years. And also, he probably picked up a critter from Big Boobs McGee in the infamous dessert episode. So really, it all worked out in the end for you.
Love,
KLo

And now it is time to take an "in-depth look" at the remaining six men. Ha cha cha, we start with Jesse, who has broken a few bones and tendons. He also has "dudebro" hair. We don't know what that is, but are pretty sure we also have it. We still like him because 1) he is going to be himself, so if he gets the axe, it is as himself, and 2) he called her beautiful AND witty.

But then holy crap, Twilley is suddenly breaking it down, batshit-style. He says he's only an idiot "sometimes" except that he hid in the bushes for Double D, stalked her at a rose ceremony, and also probably gets massive chapped lips in the winter. But on the plus side, he built real estate software in college and his dad played for the Dolphins (which is why Twilley paints, because the second generation is always a bunch of starving artists).

So then: Big Daddy. Golfing. Running. He is "the best for Deanna" because they both take risks. Admittedly, Big D and the Double are cute short people together.

IYAAAAAA!!!!!! Buttafuoco busts in on the Big Daddy moment with his awesome high kickness. Dear readers, Buttafuoco was "small for his age" when he was 9 and so he got into martial arts. Now he is competitive and must have one of the "top 50 martial arts studios in the US." But that has not prevented him from handing in his Man Card. He has a "closet full of name brand" clothing. If the luggage doesn't have "LV" on it, he doesn't want it. He has a five bedroom house and evil evil Hummer. He has the following at home: 1) a punching bag, 2) an elliptical trainer, 3) a portable sauna in the middle of a room (to "sweat off the water weight"), 4) A WALK-IN TANNING BED (because "darker = thinner"), and a bigger closet than any girl I know. He needs these "tools" to keep him in shape. He then needs lots of "facial cleansers" and "creams" to maintain his complexion.

So basically, he is the Trophy Wife he has always wanted.

Buttafuoco also lives one street over from his parents, talks to his mother multiple times every day, and proudly professes himself to be a "momma's boy." OMG, we pray for thee, oh future wife of the Buttafuoco. We are only marginally thankful to Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thicke for "modernizing" his hair to something less than total mulletude.

Less interestingly, we are presented with Grahamwhacker. We realize that he and the D share "a look and a bond," Except the "argue a lot more than anyone else." But never fear, the Whacker believes "the conflict between she and I is leading towards a healthy relationship." But he knows that he "doesn't verbalize very well." Graham-whack is just too close to brain damage for us.

So...instead we focus on Jeremy. But Jeremy is more like Jeranilla, as he is this: ----------. Yes, there is a disturbing lack of body fat and also some smarts. But the man reads "transfers and conveyances" and never falters from his -----ingness. He says his professional life as a lawyer/attorney is "known to be very isolating" because he "comes home from work at 9 or 10 at night, so there's just no time for socializing." Consequently, he "never meets people or gets to know them well." He has a "huge void" in his life, filled only marginally by his dog, Chemo.

Ok, so now we want to hang ourselves. Yay, chosen profession.

But at least Deanna has now "told all" and we get to move on to the real episode, starting with the revelation that there will be no roses on any dates. Double D is taking the six boys to Palm Springs. Buttafuoco is all pumped because he has never been to Palm Springs. We are pretty sure that he is not filling a suitcase de la Vuitton as he giddily packs. We are also more confident that Jesse is not, either.

Soo, the men are all settled in their new digs at the Parker Hotel, decorated especially by Shayne of the Llamas' mother from Season Rocky. (Ok, so we don't know this for sure but feel comfortable in our assumption due to the marked prevalence of zebra and fake tribal masks.) The first date box shortly arrives, and it is for Buttafuoco: "Let's take our relationship to knew heights." Buttafuoco is pumped, and likens himself to a Kentucky race horse: He hung back initially, but he is now ready to make his move and separate himself from the pack before being shipped to the glue factory.

Deanna and the Butta meet up at a very creekity Tram to some mountain top. We notice the ginormous tattoos in asian-looking characters on his back. This probably says "My Momma." We also notice that his shirt is seriously one Klo owned in fourth grade, with a little white piping on one side and one side only. This must be the mandition of the much hated half-halter top. At least he doesn't have a plastic bra strap hanging out "as if" no one can see because it's plastic and therefore "invisible."

ANYWAY, after arriving at the top of the mountain for dinner, Buttafuoco makes a series of analogies to walking around without a "loaded gun." Apparently, he "finally came to the conclusion that he'd rather walk around with a loaded gun than no gun at all." Let us translate: "Up yours, Canada."

He claims to have the same family values as does she. She invites him up to her suite for dessert, the path to which is miraculously is strewn with rose petals. Somebody better tell Pinkie that ABC stole his date idea. But le Chef isn't on here anymore to defend his originality, so all we really care about is the following conversation:

Butta: "I live one street over from my parents."
DD: "Oh wow." blink. blink. blink. [translation: "well, maybe they don't see each other much."]

Butta: "I did that on purpose."
DD: squint. [translation: "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck"]

Butta: "If you come home with me, the process will end."
DD: chirp. chirp. [translation: chirp chirp]

So then we have Ye Ol Standard Date with a Narcissist conversation, with him saying actions speak louder than words and how she is what he needs in his life as he tries to wheedle props out of her for waiting it out as she dated other guys, followed by "It's you, baby." *slurpsmackslobber* and "Thank you, baby." Ew. Just, ew. We are confident that Richard (R.I.P.) does not call his ladyfriends "baby."

Back at the Llama-influenced suite, the remaining boys are all geeked to be picked up by a helicopter. But wait, it's for Twilley and Deanna. The other dudes have to take a second helicopter to date #2, somewhere in the middle of the California desert. And apparently, this is going to be an awesome few minutes because according to Grahamwhacker, Twilley gets really bad motion sickness. So a few uncomfortable deep breaths, sweats, and burps later, Twilley is finally at the date location but can't open the helicopter door. But he does, as Deanna says....

"All right, boys, grab a shovel."

Boo, we wish they had to dig holes until they found treasure. But instead all the get to do is ride ATVs. Jesse is a complete daredevil badass and we heart him a little more for popping wheelies. Big Daddy just drives in a straight line, besuiting his nature. Graham keeps up, we think. Twilley lags behind and stalls out his ATV. Blah blah this ends at the pool for more gratuitous almost-nakedness as Big Daddy leads Deanna off for 1:1 time.

Big Daddy says he is most like his mother. "She knows how to show she loves. And she knows how to do it. I've learned that from her." Well here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Jesse also steals Double D for some 1:1 time, but spends the entire time talking about how much he respects her while awkwardly holding her hand under the table, instead of kissing her like she is so obviously wanting. Hm, sounds like a Mennonite boy. Jesse, we gotta work on your game if you are going to be Bachelor # 1 on DateaJD.com.

Graham-whacker also steals Deanna. We don't like him so we boycott this 1:1 time from the BNU airwaves.

Mercifully, we are finally at Date #3, with Jeranilla. "Let's Take a Step Back in Time with Ol' Blue Eyes," the date card reads. Jeranilla has no idea where they are going, even when Double D pulls up in a 50's style dress and vintage convertible. OMG, Jeranilla, you are officially confirming that you live under a rock. Finally, FINALLY, he puts it together when they arrive at Frank Sinatra's house for dinner, but then he doesn't know any of the words to "The Way You Look Tonight." Jeremy is one lucky dude, as the only thing saving him from Complete BNU Revolt is the fact that he can dance. So blah blah they have more canned conversation about how she "wants" to fall in love with him (uh oh) and how he thinks she is "perfect for him." Cut to old movie music during which back-up dancers turn slowly on a spiral staircase wearing swim caps covered in tulle. And scene.

At last, it is the rose ceremony. Ooo, shocking twist! No cocktail party tonight, as Double D is sure in her decisions. And she picks:

1. Jeranilla
2. Big Daddy
3. Graham-whacker
4. Jesse (WHOOOT).

Buttafuoco and Twilley get the axe as a rip-off Chris Isaak musak croones "no Iiiiiiiii don't want to fall in love."

Stay tuned for next week, in which the Moms break-it-down for Double D and we learn that Graham-whacker has had a "challenge" finding a relationship that has lasted more than 4 weeks.

Peace.
KLo

Double D Part 4: Smooth. Rich. Succulent.

Pinkie Le Chef is totally throwing us for a loop at the beginning of Double D episode 4, as he is wearing I-fell-in-the-acid-and-came-out-the-Joker green, until we realize that said green is probably hypercolor and with just one puff of his sagey breath can he turn it to his signature pink. Buttafuoco's green is more problematic, being both limey and also with shoe tread on the shoulders. Fortunately he is not moving up to the "Big House" with Fred and Big Daddy. But Pinkie is. Dammit.

A 1:1 date is up for grabs, and ALL the boys must write and perform an original song for Deanna to win it. Ok, so we once wrote a song for our Original Crush Boy, who went by the name "Krispy Kreme" and played in a rock band called "Fat Back" in college. It went something like this:

Once there was a crush boy;
He looked like Bill the Cat;
His hair was kinda mangy
And we liked it just like that.
wa wa WAH WAHWAH

We wrote it in the cafeteria on a napkin, like the bad-ass that we are. But we are pretty sure that these dudes aren't going to rock it like that.

Our suspicion of unrockingness is confirmed when Pinkie unfolds himself like a preying mantis on the green hammock to write. Wait.. where did Pinkie go? Ryan is unconcerned, as he "loves putting verse on paper." Meanwhile, Graham already has three verses written WITH A GRENADE on the table beside him. This may be a grown-man sippy cup, but it looks suspiciously real to us. And at last, the competition.

Fred da Bears, whom we heart and plan to take out for a beer for reasons which shall be revealed infra, babies, begins:

"The Bachelorette's season is here agaehn
Diaannnna Paehpaehs is searchin' for a husbaaehnd
She's put her heeahrt on the line
To find a man who's funny and fine;
Deaahhhnaa's opened up her heahrt and soul;
If I see 'dos pigtails I'm gonna lose control;
The most important thing for Deahhhnnna to 'get' is dat
I'm her for her heart wid no regrehts."

Awe, we take this 800 times over Graham's random-ass stepping out of the side door like a bird in the sky because nobody knows the conflict between you and I and then something something about cocktails. We also prefer it to Pinkie's "we got 9 to 1, getting ready to have some fun" ode to a baseball team and Twilley's spoken verse: "Oh darlin,' please, don't say goodbye." Sayeth KMu: "Who does he think he is? Shatner?"

But it could not possible get worse than Jeremy rapping:
"Six guys in the house
Which one do you choose
To take to dinner tonight...Pick the wrong one and YOU LOSE
the chance to see.. ..I'm the best for you.
I hope that you. do."

He's down with O.P.P., yeah, you know he.

Buttafuoco rhymes "inspirational" with ""sensational," Big Daddy rhymes "Santorini" with "your bikini," and Jesse sings the worst song ever, but we love him anyway because he is wearing a belt buckle like our favorite Big Bang Theory scientist, Howard Wolowitz, and also boxers and also a weird plaid hat AND ALSO a t-shirt with a necktie printed on it. But then it is Ryan's turn.

Gentle readers, Ryan's song is has a title: House of My Pain. (jump up, jump up, and get down!!! Jump around!!!). Okay, maybe we added the parenthetical, but it goes something like this:

"Baby your heart makes me feel like I could fly-ah
Deanna, your spirit makes me melt away my fe-ahrs
I beg you baby, don't take away my yea-ahrs.
It's midnight in the house of my pain.
You've stolen my heart - now I've got something to gai-ahn
I wander the halls whispering your na-ehm
In the house of my payayayayayyayayayayayain."

yeah, so Jesse wins. He is all nervous and decides (danger, Houston) to wear his "the government is giving away free $$$" jacket from the first tragic rose ceremony. Fortunately for Jesse, he gets an awesome suit to compliment Double D's fabulous dress...except wtf did someone take a seam-ripper to her neckline? Anyway, Deanna takes Jesse to a theater with "One night only. Just for you, Jesse. Love, Deanna." written on the Marquee. And while we realize that ABC intended a meaningful gesture, we cannot but think "Deanna does Dallas" or the equally popular "Happy Birthday Steve." We are sorry, ABC, but we are hopelessly in the midwest.

So we pretty much love Jesse (though not as much as Richard, R.I.P.), who admits he's scared on this date, says he's never cheated because he simply got out of a relationship if he didn't want to be in it, admits he's stubborn, says he's falling in love, and toasts to moving into a "new area" (hm). We also give him props for completely pushing the rose issue in a non-smarmy way.... succeeding in getting said rose. And then oh oh oh oh Natasha Bedingfield starts to sing, and we are loving it and grooving and and and...... is that an Ice Road Trucker playing the guitar?????? And even if this means admitting that we watched an entire marathon of Ice Road Truckers on Sunday rather than working, we really want to know if Trucker Alex Debogorski is now playing guitar for Natasha Bedingfield to feed his 11 children when the ice road is melted.

And now we are on to the group date with Brian, Twilley, Buttafuoco, Jeremy, Graham, and Big Daddy. "Gentlemen, start your engines," the date card says. Holy crap, Fred is excited to get the 2:1 date (because he was not named for this one), except we don't notice because he is wearing a bucket cap like we all wore on the beach at age 2, but fringed on top (perhaps because he is going to take Deanna out on his surrey). And then BAM he is suddenly channeling Newsies with a new hat and we want him to break into song and dance. Unfortunately, Pinkie is the other guy accompanying Fred on the 2:1 date, and he has his collar popped again.

Except we have to see the group date first: a day at the Fontana, CA race track racing stock cars. Buttafuoco - finally explaining why he is single - says "me and my buddies, we race our muscle cars at home."

So the deal is, three timed laps and the lucky winner gets some time with Deanna. Brian goes first and, despite not being able to get started, pulls almost the fastest time for the rest of the pack. Graham doesn't own a car since he "lives in Manhatten and takes the subway." We heard this as "since I live in Manhatten and walk to Subway," which we like better. Jeremy gets all pissed because he didn't beat Brian, and suddenly we see him as the gunner that he may be, Twilley is terrified, but Buttafuoco. Oh, Buttafuoco. He's "droppin' the hammer, baby." Of course he wins. Damn.

So in Buttafuoco's 1:1 time, he is "all emotional" because he analogizes the day to a race for Deanna's heart. He says to Deanna that he hopes "choo" see that they have a lot of "same similarities." And when she reveals that she lived in Kentucky for six years before her mother died, he responds with "Whooo, I knew you had a little 'red' in you!!" (i.e., you're a redneck). Okay, you know you're a redneck when you tell a woman SHE'S a redneck in response to her revelation that her mom died. You also know you're a redneck when you say the following:

"When she left rubber on the starting line, something none of us guys did, I said, 'This is my wife.'"

Jeremy mercifully saves us from The Buttafuoco, except we are a little skeezed out by him and his irrational display of pissitude at not getting the fastest race time. But our skeez does not last long, as Twilley is soon comparing Jeremy and the other guys to the "parable" of the tortoise and the hare. You know the one, where Jesus accepts the prodigal tortoise with welcome arms? He took a really long time to get home, but he finally did.

So then Graham interrupts Jeremy, pulling Deanna aside and then refusing to kiss her because he "doesn't want to be one of a bunch." He "wants to be different" and tells her that maybe now she knows how HE feels since she's hurt because he won't kiss her. He is such a freaking tard.

Buttafuoco gets the rose on this date. NOOOOOOOOO.

Back at the ranch, Pinkie (now in his familiar habitat: candy stripes) and Fred da Bears get their date card for the pending 2:1 date. "Who has the recipe for love? One stays, the other goes" it says.

Pinkie Le Chef says he's "got the recipe for love. Smooth. Rich. Succulent." *mrrrrrowwwwrrrr*.

The wind is sucked out of the Mu household as KMu, PMu, and this viewer all collectively gasp.....and then rewind 10 times to watch Pinkie meow. We also love Fred: "I'm nervous because it didn't say the recipe for beef stew. But if it's the recipe for love, then I feel I can give more than [Pinkie]."

But before the 2:1 date comes into being, we must suffer through a party that the guys throw for Double D. Highlights: Brian is wearing a t-shirt that says "Home Wrecker," Graham is sulking because Deanna has to be with other guys (um, it's called the Bachelorette), Jeremy displays his buffness - further confirming that there is no possible way he could be an active attorney because we all know everything sags after about a year, and Pinkie goes inside to pout because he has to cook and is not the center of attention. He is also likely re-structuring his collar, now blue and up to the bottom of his ears. Hello, Pink of the Ton. Turn your head much? Fancy a pinch of snuff?

When DD goes fishing for Le Chef, he feeds her a fumbling bullshit line about how his "mind is reeling" and he is inside pouting not because he is passive aggressive and hoping to make her come to him, thereby stroking his fragile ego, but because DD "probably has her top three picked out . . . not like someone told me...but that's how I took what they said." Double D goes ape, drags Pinkie outside, calls the entire group on being a stupid pack of man-sheep, and storms off to the house. After that, Graham feels "guilty because I haven't opened up 110%."

And because we would all love to go on a date after being both furious and annoyed, the next event is the Fred-Pinkie 2:1 date. PlC is one button away from posing for the cover of a Harlequin on this date, which is dinner in the Hollywood Hills. And this is why we love Fred. In addition to being apparently decent, he is also normal. DD asks the boys to tell her what the most romantic date was that they ever planned, and we get the following:

Pinkie: "I chartered a helicopter to LA. I had ordered five bags of rose petals beforehand, and so I sprinkled them on a path to the bedroom and wrote 'I love you' in rose petals on the bed." . . . . .So basically, he watched the Bachelor Seasons 1-9 and copied the Fantasy Suite date.

Fred: I planned a surprise getaway to Lake Geneva, with a night cruise and quiet time together talking.

Yay, FRED!!!!!

But now it is time for some 1:1 time during the date, and oh no oh no Pinkie goes first. We are suddenly watching through our afghan as he says he is a "big believer in the passion side of the relationship and how you feel when you kiss a person." Oh oh oh it is like a giant talking Salmon making the moves when we open the refrigerator door. He is asking for a kiss and has made the Jaws of Life headlock on Deanna as he leans in ....and she totally shuts him down by turning her head. Yay, Deanna!!! Thank you for not giving us A Vision. Despite this, he can "tell she's into him" because he can "read people."

We are bigger fans of Fred da Bears, who tells DD during their time together that he's in it for her, and that he wants her to know that there are people fighting for and he's one of those people. But then this is the thing.....

SHE CUTS THEM BOTH. *gasp*. Pinkie had it coming - apparently salmon is too smooth, rich, and succulant for some ladies and really, that shirt unbuttoned thing really dings the ick meter. "I didn't have the recipe for love," he says, "It will be awhile before I let anyone in again." And we thought WE were dramatic. But Fred... Fred says he wants the best for her, and that he wishes her well and hopes she finds everything she is wishing for. Fred, your next drink is on the staff here at BNU. Someday you will not finish last.

So Deanna returns to The Big House solo, and Big Daddy (now the only remaining dude at chez D, since she cut Fred and Pinkie) is happy to comfort her.

At last, it is time for cocktails. And dammit, Buttafuoco is wearing that horrible "shades of grey" striped suit. Better be happy you got a rose, Buttafuoco, because the fashion police would be hauling your ass out of the house. No big highlights here, other than Jeremy apologizing to Deanna for getting upset about losing at the race track. We do not here this because ABC is ripping off Allison Krauss for it's guitar back-up. Sing with KMu and me: "it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart....." On a related note, while we love our girl Allison, does anyone feel that helium may be involved in that song?

So Buttafuoco wants to know what Deanna was wearing when Big Daddy comforted her. Brian awkwardly holds DD's hands as he talks to her. Twilley is wearing possibly the worst brown polyester suit and lavendar tie combo ever, and Graham reaches Dick Alert Level Red, previously unachieved by even Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thicke. "I'm sorry that I hurt you," he says. "But when I hurt you, I also realized that it hurt me, and that was good." Let us translate for all the boys out there: "I know I was a complete asshole, but in making you feel bad, I realized I give a shit." Please DD, please please send him home. We don't care if you think he's cute. This is for your own good.

Deanna decides to mix it up by having a swim break at the party, which seems to work well until Jesse rears up through the water with Deanna's thighs around his neck, spouting water like Nessie herself. Behold, The Game of Chicken: the mating dance of many.

And at last, having sent Fred (R.I.P. Fred) and Pinkie home, Deanna has just one more person to reject. Joining the ranks of Jesse and Buttafuoco with roses, she selects:
1. Big Daddy
2. Jeremy
3. Twilley (WTFwtfwtfwtf); and
4. Graham (noooooooooo).

Brian graceously leaves. And we are faced with cold hard Bachelorette reality: Double D has two nice guys (Jesse, Big Daddy) left, two stoned/drunk/shroomed-looking crazies (Twilley and Graham), one guy who would cut us like our neighbor Dennis (Buttafuoco), and Jeremy, the longest-lasting attorney on any Bachelor/Bachelorette show ever. We are depressed.

Stay tuned for next week, when the boys go overnight to Palm Springs.

KLo

Double D Part 3: Everybody Poops

Viva la "Man Room." Episode three begins with Chris Harrison talking to the men in what can only be described as The Lodge as featured on "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding," sans a few animal heads and camoflage. We sense a "barn like" interior, complete with faux faded blue woodwork and what is that... a moose head? But of course, there is a pool table and lots of manscaping.

Poor Richard. Our Beloved is feeling left out, now that he must move from "the penthouse, down to the outhouse," as he is replaced at DD's Ranch by the last three guys to get Safety Roses: Jeremy, Paul, and Graham. So sayeth Deanna, "I'm attracted to Jeremy. I want to get to know Paul more. And Graham is just hot." Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, except for the hot part because dude needs a shave.

As all of this is happening, Pinkie Le Chef is hypothesizing on how the three new guys will fare up at Chez Double D. We do not hear him, as he has his damn collar flipped up again.

But oh oh oh soon the first date box arives, and IT IS FOR RICHARD!!!! We are so excited we almost get all skreetchity. But we don't, because then we would miss Our Beloved getting ready for his date. He is momentarily shirtless. Opah!!!! But a moment of sombriety follows, as he packs his bags in recognition that he may be on his way out after this date.

So then DD comes to pick Richard up in her crazy high heels and fabulous black dress. And we kind of heart Jesse, who describes her as having "a closet full of perfection. She just walks inside and gets sprinkled with fairy dust." While our closet is more full of skeezy t-shirts and not so much perfection, we are pretty sure we would get sprinkled with some sort of dust were we to spend any time in there.

Anyway, Deanna takes him to some unnamed "landmark building" in L.A. for a roof top dinner and romanticky view. Although we love Richard, we must take some points away for this: "I know I'm supposed to be enjoying the view. But I can't get over the view that is Deanna." Such commentary is only acceptable with the name "KLo" inserted in the second sentence and also with a time-out for subsequent laughter. However, Our Beloved immediately saves face by telling DD that the most romantic thing he's done for a "girl" (gah, but also the word she said) is pack a picnic to share over the cliffs while watching shooting stars. We heart him even more for explaining that a shooting star is not, in fact, a star and don't like DD for seeming unimpressed.

But then the very best thing EVER happens. Richard tells Deanna that his "passion for what he does [teaching] is bigger than my income. And I worry about that sometimes when going on a date" because he can't offer a cushy lifestyle, and how does she feel about that. OMG, we love him. We suggest he join Jesse in applying for "DateaJD.com," because really such Legal Assistance should exist. This forthrightness almost makes up for his subsequent admission that he has never taken a woman home to met his family, even though his mother is always trying to set him up with ladies from the 'hood.

And then. CRISIS.

Deanna starts confessing to the camera that she's having a hard time discerning whether Our Beloved is just a friend, or could be a husband. And as Richard is nervously confiding to the same camera (damn two-faced piece of machinery) that he's going to do the 80/20 rule and see if she will meet him for a kiss, she is saying she is not feeling it and must take desperate measures (aka a romantic horse-drawn buggy ride) to inspire it. And he says he's never had feelings like this. And she's saying he looked at her with feeling in his eyes and she just knew it had to end. And she tells him that he is funny and made her laugh nonstop when he was living in the house, that he has all of the qualities she is looking for in a husband, but that she can't give him the rose because it's not right for her. And he is graceful, saying he understands, and good luck, and he hopes she finds the right one. And and and

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He is crying as he climbs in a cab. She is crying. WE are crying as he confesses that part of him is destroyed, and that his heart hurts quite a bit. "I was just too much of a friend, I guess," he says.

R.I.P. Richard.

Ps. Call us later.

As our heart is busy being broken, date box #2 arrives with cowboy boots, hats, and shirts for Brian, S. Buttafuoco, Jesse, Graham, Fred Da Bears, Pinkie Le Chef, Twilly, Ron Cyrus-Thick, Paul, and Jeremy. "Get along, city slickers. It's time to leave LA behind." Jason aka Big Daddy is all excited because this means the last date is for him, to which Graham tells him "You're on your own, bro. You don't want any advice from me."

We decide we like Brian, who says maybe he can rope a chicken and trade it in for a rose.

So on date #2, the boys go to some sort of ranch. At least we think it is a ranch because we see a cow and Jesse wants to know if DD can wear her cowboy outfit every day. OOOOO, we like this date, which begins with a big line dance lesson followed by a Jr. High dance circle complete with each person taking their place in the center to show their fab moves. Having survived the Ring of Fire, the group moves on to the mechanical bull. Buttafuoco gets totally killed on this, as does practically every other guy except Jesse. (What is up with Jesse and his feats of strength? I mean, seriously. Look at his pic.)

And then Deanna decides to "play a trick" on the guys. Ok Chicken Little, nothing irritates us more than females pretending to be hurt to "test" their suitors. And yet, DD does just this, faking a bull riding injury (ha ha). Jesse is first to her, followed by every other guy except Ron Cyrus Thick. RCT doesn't even move. He just sits back drinking a beer. We do not like RCT.

As a reward for his lightening reflexes, Jesse gets some 1:1 time with DD. And suddenly, though never replacing Richard as the Ultimate BNU Crush Boy, we really like Jesse. He tells DD that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she went from being "My name is ___" to "Hi, I'm Jesse's girlfriend." He doesn't want an "arm doll," but rather a person who stands on her own. He can't wait to get married, to live with someone and get used to that normal daily life because, "Everybody poops." OMG, we love Jesse.

After DD and Jesse rejoin the group, Twilly attempts to entertain everybody with "Going on a Lion Hunt," over the camp fire. As a former Camp Staffer, we conclude that he will never find said Lion with such sad displays. But more interestingly, Deanna takes Ron aside for some 1:1 time and confronts him about being a shit to Jeremy. Go Deanna, go!! She tells him that she doesn't think it's fair for Ron to confront Jeremy about receiving two roses in a row because Jeremy doesn't have a choice in the matter."

And then Ron turns into Sleeping With The Enemy. "My thing between me and Jeremy is between us. It will not impact your decision" he tells her with finality, shutting her down. And then he goes outside to tell Jeremy that he's a "guy's guy, and I don't think you're one. But I DO think that you're lacking something bro. You are missing some tact." We applaud J for telling him that really, the only closed-minded person is Ron. We also heart him for saying he's here to get to know Deanna as well as he can, not have a pissing contest with Ron.

Ron = Ratfink.

This date ends with Pinkie Le Chef complaining about not getting any 1:1 time with Deanna while simultaneously not seeking her out AT ALL. Of course she finds him later on, and he admits that he feels such crazy chemistry with her that he "can't feel his fingers." Better not cook for her then. Of course, she gives Pinkie la rose. "Bobby boy's movin' up to the big house, baby" he tells the boys. Stuff it, Pinkie.

Back at the house, Big Daddy gets date box for the final big event. "Reach for the Stars" it says. Confusingly, said reaching involves a helicopter ride. Twilly anticipates the following conversation over the whir of the helicopter engine:

Big Daddy: "HEY. I GOT A KID."
DD: "WHAT????"
Big Daddy: " NEVER MIND."

Ok, that's a little funny. Of course, the 'copter takes Big Daddy and DD to the Mt. Wilson Observatory to have dinner and look at the stars. Why, WHY can't Our Beloved resurrect himself and come on this date??? And also, why WHY is Deanna wearing boots up to her knees with jeans tucked in??? While looking fabulous, this seems very uncomfortable and also missing a horse.

At dinner, Big Daddy reveals that he has a three-year old and is a single dad. He was married for two years, but his wife decided to "go a different way." We wonder if he was previously married to Anne Heche. But then DD opens up about her mom dying, and we cry a little as she talks about watching her mom get sick, and then not be able to walk, and then have a hospital bed in the home, and then die. "Us too," we think. And we feel sad with Deanna.

Anyway, Big Daddy asks if he can kiss DD, and she says yes, and it's not as gross as Graham. He gets the rose. Yay. KMu wonders if Twilly is going to crawl out from under the telescope and ask for a minute with Deanna.

And then it's time for the Big Surprise: The boys are going on the Ellen Show!!!! We heart Ellen!! She cracks us up. Except that Deanna tells Ellen that the boys are very nervous so "give it to them hard." We wonder if DD got that memo.......

Ellen grills the guys about what was the best thing about DD, how being on the show makes them feel, and how long their most serious relationship was. Of course RCT says 12 years and Graham says FIVE MONTHS. Ok, that is unacceptable. I have had colds that have lasted longer. And also, please shave, Graham. For the love of all that is Holy.

Ellen has the boys do a dance off, which Jesse rocks and everyone else, well, does not. Twilly wants to "say something" (of course), but doesn't get his chance, and Ellen makes the men all stand in Ellen Boxers with their pants down for 2 minutes as she walks back and forth in front of them trying to decide who is going to get the rose. Ellen, we love you, but WTF for giving the rose to Fred Da Bears?

And, two hours later, it is time for Rose Ceremony. We have whole bunches of 1:1 time here. Ron continues to have one big "Hello, Clarice" moment as he tells DD that when he "woke up this morning, I said, 'you know, she's just not my kind of girl.' But after you said what you said today, NOW I like you again." And then in response to her asking him to tell her something fun about himself, he says, "Everything about me is fun. Our questions have been serious. Our answers have been serious. But I'd like to have fun with you."

Um, ok.

We are thankful that Jeremy approaches and steals Deanna away. She says a heartfelt, "thank you" to him, as Ron's head starts to explode. "The creme rises to the crop. Where there's smoke there's fire. Unless Jesus himself comes down and smacks Jeremy on the head and gets him to change, he won't. He lacks integrity. I wish him and Deanna the best. But it won't last. Maybe 12 years from now, it will fall apart."

Hell hath no fury like a barber scorned.

But we are sure that RLaV could arrange for the Jesus part. And btw Ron, wasn't 12 years the length of your own marriage?

Sis-boom bah Jeremy asks Deanna if she would consider moving to Dallas. Graham scrubs her hand as he talks to her and says that "allowing" her to go through this process with other guys is hard for him (wtf????), and she gives a star to Jason and tells him that she named it after his son, Tyler. And then she picks:

1. Twilly, who "is making sure no one else is following" him up to get his rose. Hm.
2. Jesse (yay)
3. Jeremy, to which Ron's lips get even thinner
4. Brian
5. Graham (uh oh, Buttafuoco is pissed)
6. Buttafuoco!!!! who finally got a haircut, which does not make up for his pimptastic white suit

OMG, Paul and Ron are cut out. We feel bad for Paul, but not for Ron, who "doesn't feel rejected. She chose other guys. She didn't reject me." We are a little scared of him.

Stay tuned for next week, when the boys write songs!!! OOOOOOO.

KLo

Double D Part 2: A Case of the Twillys

In the words of my girl Joni, If I. Could Drink. A Case of [Twilly]. I Would Still Be On My Feet. And Halfway Down The Street. Do doo, do doo do do do do.

And so Episode 2 begins with an SUV Limo (which we all hate because all we can think about is how much ABC is killing the environment with inefficient vehicular wastefulness). But when the 15 guys pile out, we are somewhat mollified. ESPECIALLY because we see Richard (aka Our Beloved), whose name we would draw in careful cursive with a heart as the dot on the "i" if we were in second grade. And that is saying a lot because we can't even spell our own name in cursive without leaving off the T.

But we are very excited about the boys' living situation, as they will all be in the guesthouse behind DD's mansion except for three lucky guys who get to live with DD for the week: Jesse the snow boarder, Jeremy the attorney, and Our Beloved. They other guys get bunk beds with horses and cowboy boots on the sheets, and a cold shower outside with no curtain. In the words of Twilly, "There's gonna be a lotta shrinkage, boys." Sean Buttafuoco freaks out because he's never lived in a room with 12 other guys before. We are surpised that he would admit to a) never going to school or b) camping a day in his life, but we are unsurprised by his intensely voiced "want/need to get that rose."

So date box #1 arrives, for Jason the dad, Ryan-Like-A-Virgin, Twilly, S. Buttafuoco, Paul the Canadian, Fred "da Bears" Chicago attorney, and Our Beloved. "Do You Believe in Magic," it says. Oooo ooooo ooo we do!!!!

This is apparently DD's first date since Brad Wombat dumped her last season, and it gets off to a totally awesome start as a couple of the guys stick half their bodies out the car and scream like a bunch of drunk teens as they go through town. DD takes them to a private magician's club, in which we discover that Ryan-Like-a Virgin (RLaV) can only speak in cliches: "All I could think of was making these guys disappear." Fortunately for RLaV, Jason is there to explain that DD was walking them "into her own private magic room." Way to go, Smoov D.

Anyway, this guy does a bunch of magic tricks involving a bird, which RLaV gets stuck holding. We secretly wonder if the bird is named Jo Jo and bites, as we *might* have had a little experience with an attack parrot this weekend in Canada and are consequently suspicious of all fowl, however seemingly docile and unassuming. But nothing so exciting happens. Instead, DD picks Jason to go into the Box in her Private Magic Room (hahahaha mind = gutter) and they both disappear for 1:1 time. Jason still doesn't tell her about his son, and he admits he likes old Michael Jackson. As they are gone, the ditched boys debate whether DD is going to "get physical" with anyone this early in the game. RLaV is all bummed that Jason "gets to be with her, bodies touching" hey! for the very first time.

We then have a line-up of 1:1 times. Of note, S. Buttafuoco is wearing possibly the worst suit ever. We believe this is why the trick piano chose to mock him as he talks to Deanna and decide we might need to take up trick-piano lessons. But said suit is striped. Only, it's striped like how you learn to shade a circle so it looks like a ball in 4th grade art class. Like these weird Mr. BoJangles-y darker then dark then light then lighter strips of terribleness that won't stop 'til we've had enough (that was for you, Jason).

A couple guys try their hands at magic (S. Buttafuoco's trick is cracking his knuckles. I speak the truth.), and then Twilly "makes up" a Greek myth that goes on. and on. and on. This is only made tolerable by subsequent 1:1 time with Our Beloved. Would it be inappropriate for us to go to Binghampton NY and go door to door asking for Richard? We think not. Particulary as he makes her an origami rose out of a piece of paper. Le Sigh. An origami rose is only second to an origami chicken in our book.

Meanwhile, RLaV is attempting to call Twilly out as the "least genuine person here." WTF dude, this is like day 1, date 1. We appreciate that he has strong convictions, but we are somehow not shocked that RLaV might be really judgmental. DD is worried she would corrupt him.

Finally, Paul and Fred get a little 1:1 time with DD, which Paul mostly monopolizes. He may be 23, but he has a Canadian maple leaf on his calf (oh Canada!) and actually presented himself pretty well. He cuts Fred out of the conversation without being dastardly about it,and he ends up getting the Safety Rose at the end of the date. Nice work, Paul of Canada.

Back at the ranch, Jesse and Jeremy have disclosed that date #2 is going to be a private date for Graham! "Get ready to be swept away" it says. Alas, they are not to be cleaning chimneys, but flying a kite. Ok, so we get the attraction to Graham as he is tall and lanky and while not necessarily as nerdy as we might prefer, still tall and lanky. But we are undecided about him. We appreciate his Southern charm, but think he may be a fuckwit masquerading as a man when he reveals that at age 29, he's only been in one serious relationship (which was also of short duration) and he seems to give some pretty half-baked answers to DD's questions about what he wants for his life. Of course in the end, he wins her over and gets his Safety Rose.

P.S. He gets the first kiss, and it isn't pretty.

As Graham is charming Deanna over roasted marshamallows and a fire on the beach, Date Box #3 arrives for Chris of the medical sales, Robert the Chef, Brian the football coach, Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thick, Jesse the snowboarder, Jeremy the attorney, and Eric the Greek. "A diamond is a girl's best friend: Step Up to the Plate" It says. Jesse is totally psyched because he loves baseball, but we don't hear a word he says. We are too busy having a seizure looking at his outfit of black, white, stripey, zig-zaggy, blue and red. RLaV informing the guys that he is a virgin for the 100th time in the next "flash back to the ranch" during Graham's date does not even qualify as an aftershock.

Unfortunately, Twilly has become a Single White Female. He is so jarred by RLaV calling him out as disgenous that he decides to poach DD after her date with Graham. He hides in the bushes as she kisses Graham goodnight, then jumps out to tell her that "my family would love you. My friends would love you. If we didn't get to know each other, that would stink." DD is obviously really uncomfortable and we cringe for her.

Off we go to Date #3 in that damn SUV. "Whose the pinkie in the popped collar?" KMu wants to know. That would be Robert, the Chef, who is pretty much a whiney ass. And also wearing a pink Izod polo. But oh oh oh, here comes Tommy LaSorda out from the Dodgers stadium dugout. He tells Deanna, "You got your work cut out for you. There's not a real good lookin' guy out here." We love you Tommy! He gives the guys a pep talk that makes him our hero: "This is some serious stuff. Deanna's gonna spend the rest of her life with one of you. So show her you're serious." We think every Bachelor should have Tommy LaSorda episode. But in that episode, there should be no singing. This conclusion is affirmed when Tommy picks Chris to sing the National Anthem, but Chris doesn't know the words and has apparently never heard of the concept of "pitch." Says Tommy,"You're telling me you don't know the national anthem? Get outta here." We later learn that at least two other dudes had to try before Ron was able to sing it almost through.

Anyway, we then have Our Own Personal Nightmare: A home run derby. Having been unable to hit even the wiffle ball in high school, this competition would be like the 10th circle of hell for us. As it also turns out to be for Eric, Robert, and Chris (who, despite playing in the minor leagues, biffs every ball that comes his way). But Ron and Brian get two home runs, Jesse gets one, and Jeremy the attorney gets.....six. Whatever firm he's with better put him on their softball team.

We have a few 1:1 times during this date, including Eric the Greek talking about Greek culture and his Greekness in response to Deanna's question: "Tell me something about you different. All I know is that you're Greek." Brian the football coach also comes out of left field, talking rather pointedly about what he wants and is ready for based on how he has lived his life. Finally, during 1:1 time awarded Jeremy for killing his competition, he admits to Deanna that both of his parents died within a few years of each other. Our heart breaks for Jeremy, and we like him a little more. When Tommy later tells Deanna that she has to "be a visionary, go by your intuition. It's not what you see know, but what it's going to be like after you're married that matters," she picks Jeremy to give the next Safety Rose. He's now 2 for 2, which means he will be universally hated. Especially because ABC broadcasts DD giving him the rose on the stadium jumbotron for the other guys to witness. That was shitty, ABC.

And now it is time for the rose ceremony, in which we love Deanna's dress and its swoopity "I am Venus and yes I rode here in an oyster shell" esqueness. As the guys file in from their Guesthouse, Jeremy says "welcome to our home." As predicted, this makes Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thick totally over-react. First, Ron attacks Deanna: "Couldn't you have spread the roses around a little?' We heart DD for shutting him down: "If you're jealous, then step it up." He then decides to incite a riot against Jeremy by spending the rest of the rose ceremony telling Jeremy that he is being "uncalled for, immature, and disrespectful" and egging the other guys to be critical of the J. We hope Ron gets voted off the island. At a minimum, our Dick Alert is at Level Orange. It may go to Level Red if he says he "swapped souls" with Deanna again, as he did after 1:1 time.

This is all too bad for Deanna, because Twilly is now free to intercept her. "I don't think Deanna has a case of the Twillys" says he. Yes, Twilly, that would be correct.

But as she emerges from Twilly-gate, Deanna sees the guys gritching at each other and decides that a push-up competition would be good. And this is the best part: The last two guys push-uping are Brian the football coach and Jesse the snow boarded (who wins it with 100 push ups!). Holy crap. I guess I could see that because he has to be in shape to snow board, but he just doesn't look like that kind of dude. He wins some 1:1 time for his efforts, in which he tells Deanna that he's working hard now because he can't snow board forever. He'd really like to be a stay-at-home dad because his dad was gone all the time when he was a kid. OMG, Jesse, you need to start dating female attorneys.

So Deanna picks (to join Paul, Graham, and Jeremy):
1. Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thick
2. Jesse
3. Robert aka "Pinkie La Chef" (what???)
4. Brian the football coach
5. Jason the single dad
6. Fred "da Bears"
7. S. Buttafuoco (I mean, WTF)
8. Richard (YAY!!!!! Richard Richard he's our man, if he can't do it no one can!!!!! GooooOOOOO RICHARD)
9. Twilly. We no longer have words.

RLaV says that he's a nice guy -- andwasvoted the nicest guy in 8th grade, as a matter of fact. He also says "It's never fun when a girl tells you 'no.'" We would like a moment of silence to appreciate the awesomeness of this comment.

Stay tuned for next week, which is um, tomorrow, because I am terrible.

KLo