Let The Record Reflect

This viewer will NOT be blogging the "Bachelor Pad," as we simply cannot handle That Much Stupid.

The Big Fedotowsky Part Por FIn: La Isla Bonita

We are very sad to begin The Big Fedotowsky Part Por Fin from our sofas, quarantined from the Mus and ABe (who has left us for the flashy lights of vacaciones, anyway. sniff.) because we may single-handedly Wipe Out the BNU Staff with the Plague if we were to Step Forth Outdoors. Fortunately, we have our reluctant viewing partner, MCo, beside us and reading a book about physics (you know, to make us all feel better about ourselves for watching this show).

So here we are in Bora Bora, Tahiti, and Ali has decided to camoflauge herself as a rock/sand/native bird. Somehow, between Frank Funke's exit and today, she has gotten 10 shades darker. We would not have noticed her, standing in the water like a dead stump of tree, if it had not been for the ginormous yellow plumage she has tied around her hips. And also, the frosty frosty makeup. We think "Grace Stone." and "oh my." MCo looks up to utter something inarticulate.

Bora Bora is a "dream" for her, babies. And "you won't believe what happens." If skin cancer is not in the mix, color us Shocked. But now The Big F is excited to "think I could possibly get engaged at this island that I've always wanted to visit!" MCo is convinced that she could not point said island out on a map, but neither could we, and so we will not throw stones. This viewer's coworkers once bought her a Garmin so that she could stop getting lost on the way to work. We would like to name it "Garmina," except that we have not found a way to make the angry British man stop screaming at us when we let it participate in our driving decisions.

So then we have more recaps: Oh, the "special connection" with Roberrrto, the feelings of safety with him, and the feelings of being "like a woman." We do not hear the rest because we are pretty sure she is topless in the clip of the overnight date and are straining to hear the sounds of KMu gasping in horror several miles away.

But then there is Chris. Slow, steady C-cubed that is a "big teddy bear that I just want to hug and squeeze." He reminds her of her friends. They started out as friends. She "cherishes" her time with him. We feel Disaster Is Imminent.

But here Ali is again with a bikini top and linen pants. We would like to give a shout out to linen pants everywhere. We heart you, LP! But she is warning us all: she will have a "shocking decision" by the end of this episode. MCo wonders if she is going to become a man so that she can be the next Bachelor.

As Ali giveth with the linen pants, she shortly taketh away with the Worst. Dress. Ever. It has a white bandeau top, which can Mean nothing Good. And also, we cannot get past the extreme tan as she heads out on the pier in this contraption to pick up Roberrrrrto for his date with her family.

Ali trots Roberrrto over to her mom, dad, sister Raya, and brother Michael. Roberrrto is duly nervous, Ali is appropriately skreetchity ("you look so HANDsome!!"), but everyone appears to have a good connection on the family date. Which, of course, we must infer, because after Raya and Michael take Roberrrrto outside for some 1:1 time, we see nothing of this conversation. This is fine, because we are too busy staring at the un-tanness of Ali's brother. He is like a 40 watt "soft white" lightbulb. Must be a lawyer.

Ali's mom bonds with Roberrto, noting that “this is a difficult journey, but you’re here.” Roberrrrto wants to know how he can make Ali happy, which of course Mom says he is already doing. And then, Mom wins our vote forever: She tells him, "I might not get this right, but 'yo creo que tu corazon es puro.'” Oh!!! So, we are trying to learn French right now, and we are pretty sure that if we were presented with a french-speaking person on a surprise trip to Tahiti, all we would be able to say is "the students are in the classroom" and "the pencil is on the table." So, we heart mom for her mad Spanish skillz.

1:1 time with Dad is less sweet. He is a bit of a spazz, and manages to say the following in 3 seconds: "Thisisashorttimeframe. Wedon'thavealotoftime, andobviouslyIhavealotofquestions foryou. ButIguessmyfirstquestionis howdoyoufeelaboutAli?" Roberrto goes into a lengthy explanation about the importance of family, and obtains Dad's blessing to marry Ali. Well, that's what Roberrrto heard. What WE heard Dad saying was that he has "some comfort" by the fact that Roberrrto could provide "stability," and he has "no objections to that." Ringing endorsement from Dad!

This date ends with everyone salsa dancing, or trying to. But crisis: Ali is "exhausted" because she must "do it all over again the next day."

We are pleased with Ali's transition to shorts and a normal shirt as she walks the gangplank to meet C-cubed for his family date on the following day. He is carrying a lovely basket of fruit, which confuses us. Here, the family is ecstatic to learn that Chris shares their Massachussetts connection. Weirdly, Ali's dad taught high school physics and C-cubed taught high school math. Ali's mom is a nurse and Chris' mom was a nurse. Ali's dad and Chris' dad are both from Montreal! Oh, it is perfecto!

The family, naturally, loves C-cubed. Except this is our thing (all of us): this date devolves into talking about Chris' mom again because Ali's mom wants to know what happened. And we feel sad for him that he has to keep discussing his mom's death. And then our sadness turns into nervousness when he tells Raya and The White Ghost that he WILL be proposing to Ali in three days. Absolute confidence never means good things on this show, even if he does manage to get Dad's blessing.

Finally, Ali says goodbye to Chris and has some time to "process" with her family. We canNOT get past the crazy extension situation and the pink and blue frosty makeup, and are secretly happy that we are watching this episode on our 1982 Sony and not in HD at the Mus. We recently sat outside at a restaurant and stared inappropriately at the other patrons, because that is what we do (we sometimes think we will turn into this nun we once met, who carried a magnifying glass with her so that she could stare out the passenger seat people in other cars when stopped at the red light). One woman, to our left, had clearly gone to the beach, yet continued to wear the light foundation more suitable to the breadbelt of America 11 1/2 months out of the year. And it was terrifying. But this is who we think of when we see Ali talking to her family, and We Are Afraid.

Ali's Reign of Terror continues on her last 1:1 date with Roberrrto, to which she wears a white mumu with yellow polka dots and a ginormous fake yellow flower. One day, we will rip all the fake flowers off the shirts at the mall, so extreme is our hatred for these embellishments. Because of You, Fake Flower, we have not beeen able to purchase a reasonable shirt in the last two years. So damn you and your evil cousin, I'm-not-Pregnant-I'm-Just-Fat Top.

ANYWAY, Ali's last Date with Roberrrto is just like evey Last Ditch date on this show. They go jetskiing, which thrills the Big F because she "loves getting on machines that go really fast." She "loves that Roberrrto also shares that." Ali this viewer can think about is knee pain and losing a contact. We are so Uncool. But we are comfortable in our uncoolness, as Ali and Roberrrto come upon some stingrays and DECIDE TO SWIM WITH THEM. Roberrrrto is either trying to feed a stingray, steal its baby, or feed the stingray its baby because he is holding something wriggly and the stingray is rearing its entire body out of the water to reach it, virtually covering Roberrrrrto's chest. We are TERRIFIED. Did these people not SEE the Crocodile Hunter?

Finally, Ali and Roberrrrto's near death experience ends with a makeout session in the rain at a private beach and a confession of love at the 'Hilton Bora Bora." As Ali walks towards this destination, we thing "pantsuit? shirt and pants? pantsuit? big ugly unitard? pantsuit?" When the light improves, we realize she is really wearing a shirt and giant pants, which we suppose we will Accept, but only because they are stretchy. And also, because our sister recently made us throw away an *awesome* pantsuit that we had been retaining since the 1990s. It even had a belt.

But what is happening?? Unlike in seasons past, Ali is pouring out that their date today was the "best one ever." And that she has found everything she ever wanted in Roberrrto, and that she feels "safe" with him, and . .. OH NO.

The next day is Ali's date with C-cubed. As Ali appears at the door, we know Something Bad is About To Occur because ABC never films random door arrivals unless Something Bad is About To Occur. And she says: "OMG, it's been a crazy week. Okay, um, I am in such a weird place right now because this is coming to an end. Meeting my family, they thought you were amazing. Which is what I think about you too. But. . . tomorrow. I am at a point that I don’t know what to do. You have all the qualities that I want in someone. You have all the qualities I want in a partner. But just because all the qualities I want and enjoy time together, doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. I’m falling for someone else. Do you see what I'm saying?”

NO, ALI. WE DO NOT. We refuse to see this.

But we are going to give a standing ovation to C-cubed. As she says that she "has to let you go here, and not wait until tomorrow,” he starts to cry. And then he THANKS her for the grace in not making him go through the final rose ceremony and for being honest. He says that he'll miss her, and that it will take some time for him to figure it out, but that through this experience, he learned to put himself out there again. He wishes her luck, encourages her to go seize the day with Roberrrto, and tells her she's an amazing person. And then, and we swear we are not making this up, as C-cubed stands on the balcony crying, a perfect rainbow forms.

We have no words.

This person is a Class Act. Cape Cod Chris, we salute you.

We know that we must get past our devastation, but we are having a hard time to be excited as Ali says that she is in love with Roberrrto, nothing is going to change it, and that she is excited to tell him. We lover Roberrrrrto too, but are so heartbroken for Chris (and so thankful to Ali for not making him go through the stupid charade of final rose ceremonies) that we still have no words.

Thank god for Neil Lane, who just happened to be in the neighborhood with a big briefcase of engagement rings, and is more than willing to show Roberrrrto his options. Presumably, he picks a ring because now he's getting ready, and Ali is turning herself into our Angel Hair Barbie from the 3rd grade. Suddenly, she is standing nervously like a gilded lilly on a little platform, hoping that Roberrrto will "love her back" because he's "all I have left." And Roberrrrto is taking an infinity to Run the Guantlet, which apparently begins with a boat and ends with 1,000 stairs.

As Roberrrrrto finally arrives, sweating profusely, he declares that he wants to love her for the rest of her life (in lots more words, but we are getting tired). She tells him that he is the only "guy here today." He proposes. And, because we all want a bitter Queen to sing at our engagement party, Elton John starts crooning "Can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King. We do not blame Roberrrrrto for promptly picking Ali up and running for the stairs.

The end.

Except it's not, because we now have to sit through "After the Final Rose." This is a bunch of stuff and nothing, except that Ali tops her Worst Dress Ever with an even more disastrous combination of bricabrac and ill-fitting top. We see Cape Cod, who continues his Reign as Best Human Being Ever, and then Roberrrto leaps forth from the sidelines to claim his fiance and talk about how they are moving in together in San Diego and getting married in the spring or summer. ABC, not wanting to make any bets, surprises them with a trip to Catalina Island leaving immediately, presumably so that the happy couple cannot break up before the depart.

We leave you with this: It has been a privilege, Cape Cod Chris. Thank you.

-KLo.