Wombat Part 4: It's a Moral Issue

As the sun rises over an aquaduct -- oh wait, that is the backside of the ladies' manse -- we discover that Broke Back Michelle has a black eye. Since the first rule of Bachelorette Fight Club is that you don't talk about Bachelorette Fight Club, we realize that we will never know the True Cause of said black eye (though we secretly hope that it is Chris Harrison). Anyhow, BBM *claims* she doesn't know the cause and says she "just woke up this way." We *try* to believe this excuse, and are secretly glad when Chris Harrison interrupts to explain how dates will work this week. Except that he is wearing a red and white plaid shirt and the buttony half of a gray womens' twinset. WTF, Chris Harrison.

So Chris explains that there will be three dates -- two 1:1 dates and 1 group date. We know that everyone will get a rose on these dates because Brad Wombat is a weanie tot, but The Harrison still explains that if you don't get one, you will be going home. He also provides the first card: "How Deep Is Our Love?" to Chantal. She is wigged with excitement. We are just glad that it's for her, and not for one of the 10 or so other women, sitting around the room, who we still can't name on sight. Broke Back is pissed, and the Nanny says she wishes she was the one to give Broke Back the black eye (secretly, to the camera).

So Bradley picks up Chantal in a helicopter, which she thinks is cool and surprising even though it is the primary mode of transportation for all of the Bachelor's Greenest dates. She is also stressed, as she was with her high school sweetheart 10 years, and still does not know how to date. Ok, so this viewer did not have a high school sweatheart. But if we did, our most likely candidate would have been the One Boy Not Terrified to Ask Us Out (but whom we still turned down), or alternatively, one of the several boys who informed this viewer that they didn't care which sister in our family that they dated, as long as they got to date one. Yes, babies, Romance Is Still Alive in the midwest. Either way, it would have ended badly, especially after 10 years, so we can understand Chantal's predicament.

As the Wombat and Chantal fly over yachts in the bay, we wonder how Chantal came to wear a matching leather jacket to the Wombat's (though his has a side zip. seriously.). And finally, we are at destination #2: they are going to Walk on the Sea Floor!!! Except crisis: Chantal has a fear of Deep Water. Her biggest worry is that she is "going to go down and not back up."
Let's just sit with that statement for a moment.

They suit up, complete with Outbreak breathing helmets, and take the plunge. "So I get in the water. I don't know how I do it, but I get in the water," says Chantal. We worry that 1) our favorite contestant is even more vapid than we anticipated, and 2) she really doesn't know how she got in the water. But whether she was pushed in or remembered that she had legs, Chantal and Brad are soon looking for diseased monkeys in the bottom of the ocean and tipping their big giant heads towards each other for a helmet kiss.

And then: oh look, he pitched TWO tents for her! Suddenly, the Wombat and Chantal, now in a LACE t-shirt top (wtf), are at a tent city outside of L.A., laying on a futon bed with torches all around. Having set up one too many beach receptions at one point in our life, we are a bit terrified at the prospect of fire + billowy material. But ABe is annoyed, as the Wombat has suddenly seized this reclining moment to Get Serious:
Wombat: "Do you want to get married again?"
Chantally Lace: "Yes. I want a Union. A person to come home to."
PMu: "I prefer a confederacy."
After they both swear they are Ready To Love Again (for different reasons), it begins to softly rain (oh!). KMu, channeling Chris Harrison, announces that "should you like to forgo your individual tents, you may spend the night in the Fantasy Tent." Chantally Lace gets the rose, and they share an awkward futony kiss before taking KMu's helpful suggestion. We are lead to believe that they spend the night, as The Wombat also announces that she doesn't need to leave, and then later, that "her and I" had a great time. RAGE. Chantally Lace, agreeing, says that "It was a make it or break it night. And it turned out to be Make It." So to speak.

Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has come: "Let's put our Hearts On the Line." Blech. And it is for a bunch of the Unknown Extras: the Nanny, Stacy the Bartender, Lindsay, Alli Twin Towers, Jackie the Artist, Meghan, Britt and the Dentist. Broke Back, with a popsickle on her eye, says that "there's a really good chance that if Brad doesn't give me the other 1:1, he will get his own black eye." We are so tired of her we wish she would just go home. As she cries to the Nanny about how Hard It Is to be her, the Nanny is like, "dude, it's just going to get tougher, so man up." But Broke Back is unconsolable, declaring that Chantally Lace is "loud and hard," "very headstrong," and that if she doesn't go home tonight, there will be problems. As BBM has just described herself, we take a pass.

The alcohol is already flowing for breakfast as the girls get ready for date #2: going to LoveLine with Dr. Drew and That Other Guy! We secretly know that Dr. Drew is like "oh my god, how did I end up on this show," as Brad tells him that his Biggest Concern is that he is not compatible with the women, so can Dr. Drew help him figure it out. Says Stacy the Bartender: "I think I'm one of the only people who knows how reputable Dr. Drew is." Yes sweetheart, he is so reputable that he is now endorsing your drinking of the beer at 10 in the morning, after belinis for breakfast, and while he simultaneously moonlights as an addiction specialist in another show.

Anyway, as this is the most talk-intensive episode of the Bachelor ever, we are now getting tired of keeping up. Let's see: amidst painful and extended awkward silences on air, Stacy confesses to have cheated once in college. Britt, looking like Skipper Barbie, breathlessly admits that she is so busy trying to make a good impression that she is worried he doesn't know who she is. While amidst still more painful and awkward silences in the hottub later that evening: the Dentist is all jealous/spazzy to the Wombat, Alli Twin Towers gets 1:1 time only to have the Wombat instantly stolen by the Nanny -- who wants to HUG IT OUT with her, and KMu feels the burning rage that the Wombat apparently has no ability to manage his time or the people vying for it. You know, the usual.

Date Card #3, interrupting this Painful Hot Tub Interlude, is a welcome relief, even if it is for Broke Back Michelle. "Let's Hang Out Together," it says. Chantally Lace, rising to the Awesome we know she is, freaks Broke Back out by wondering aloud why it's the only card that does not mention the word "love."

Alas, we are ripped back from this respite to shrivel in the hot tub a few hours longer with the group date. Jackie the Artist has concluded that group dating with the Dentist is exhausting, as Stacy the bartender and the Dentist snit at each other and then the Dentist throws a tantrum at Brad when he looks like he's going to give her the rose . . . causing him to switch plans and give it to Britt/Skipper Barbie, who had Only Moments Earlier told him she has a big crush. As she is also buttless, we are unimpressed.

Finally, it is date #3 with Broke Back Michelle. Except that it's not, because the Dentist is crying at breakfast about how she feels "emotionally unstable" and wouldn't want to "be with me either right now." Broke Back, unmoved, does her nails at the kitchen table and then becomes a ball of fury when the Wombat comes to pick her up . . . only to request some time with the Dentist beforehand. Thirty minutes of "PuhLEEZ. open. up. Ash.LAY." and "AH. Need. You. to. Trust. This. Process. and to trust. me" from Brad, the Dentist is mollified but Broke Back is even more furious.

Waiting in the living room with the other women, Broke Back rages against the 30 minutes of precious time wasted by the Dentist's unresolved issues from the Group Date. And once again, Chantally Lace earns her stripes:
CL: "Dudette, back off. You took a bunch of time on our group date, when you walked off and refused to do your scene."
*All other women*: GASP.
BBM: (insert terrifying smile): "But that was a MORAL isue (sidebar: she was opposed to giving blood? To acting in PSA's about giving blood?). I was genuinely going to leave. Then Brad followed me and we talked. That was *completely different* than what is happening with the Dentist."
The remaining women are silent and frozen creatures, terrified that Broke Back is going to Cut Chantilly Lace like this viewer's neighbor Dennis.

At last, the Wombat returns, only to be forcibly removed from the room by Broke Back Michelle. As they drive away, the Wombat explains how he HAD to talk to the Dentist, and Broke Back is all understanding in her Carrie Bradshaw necklace. We are pretty sure said necklace says: "Michelle" and then it itty letters underneath "Iwillcutyoubitchdon'tthinkIwon't." We hope Broke Back chokes on her hair.

Initially, BBM is excited to learn that she is going to the Wombat's cave to hang out for the day. Then, as a helicopter flies overhead, she informs the Wombat "I'm going to kill you." No seriously, she is. But as they fly into downtown LA, we secretly wonder if he isn't going to Finish Her Off first. Babies, they are going to repel down the side of a condiminium. She pretends to be freaking out, and we worry that this whole experience will bring them closer, a la Le Sausage and El Piloto. Says he: "If and when we hit the ground . . . floor . . . we will be a lot closer." Says she, "Oh yes, it is a Leap of Love." vomit.

As they begin their journey down the front of the building, we are more interested at looking inside the glass at what the condos look like. We also wonder who opened their blinds this morning to find a birdseye view of Broke Back's crotch, and whether that person is now in therapy with Jamie Green.

BBM and the Wombat reach safety and share an awkward hug before instantly jumping into the pool in their clothing. So, this viewer has weathered enough Lost Swimmer Drills that we know it is unfun to jump into the water fully clothed. And also, we do not understand how BBM is going to be able to magically peel all those skin tight layers to become dry in the very next screen shot. But, there she is -- even with dry hair -- and lounging on a bed by the pool while talking about her daughter "bree-elle." KMU thinks that sounds like a cleaning product and we secretly agree. But the Wombat is dazzled:
"You are a mature woman," he concludes.
Oh Wombat, you have NO idea. We feel confident that Broke Back is going to "have another birthday" any day. Naturally, Brad "feels confident and strong" in what he has with Broke Back, that he could see himself raising her kid (well, at least that will make one parent), and having more children with Broke Back. Oh dear. She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, Stacy the Bartender and Chantally Lace conclude that Broke Back is one Crazy Lady with the twitching and the bulging eyeballs every time something goes amiss. Chantally Lace concludes that Broke Back will "blow herself out eventually," and we love her the more for it.

And the rose ceremony is upon us, but not before a little Therapy Moment with Jamie Green:
Problem: You see, babies, the Wombat is suffering under what we call Peer Pressure to kiss the ladies. When he is "dating a woman, I like to take it slow. I mean, just kissing now, but you know, I am going to do that with one woman, and then turn around and do it with another."
Solution: Oh Brad! The Good News is that you've learned to be "aware of you." But "You've got to knock it off. Just kiss a woman when it feels right to do so."

That's right, babies. Don't kiss a person unless you feel it is right. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green, former '80s rock star and british person (and therefore smarter and wiser than the rest of us).

So the rose ceremony. We are reminded of the existence of Shawntel of the Dead and Dolly Pemily, whom we have not seen at all this episode except in relation to consoling Broke Back Michelle when she declares she will DIE if she doesn't get a rose. Our appreciation for S of the D is diminished, when she decides it would be "cute" for the Wombat to pick her up on the count of three, just to relive their group date fighting asians. On the other hand, Dolly Pemily is all her tinkly best in a royal blue bandaid and stripper heels. The Wombat has packed a special romantic basket for her, erupting jealousy in the fake chests of the other women. But we are wondering how he will pull this off, as he puts a blanket on the concrete and then asks Dolly Pemily to sit on it WITHOUT showing the world where her daughter came from. After an awkward 2 minute conversation and one sip of champagne, the Wombat hauls Dolly Pemily up off the blanket and pushes her back inside.

Let's see . . .Meghan also gets some 1:1 time, but we don't really care because we know she will be getting the axe, so Not Brad's Type is she. Broke Back Michelle has chosen to wear her hair in a side barret like a four year old. This is not a good look for her. And Chantally Lace has burst into tears at the sight of the basket for Dolly Pemily and another bachelorette's dark musings that it is a "reassurance of Brad's love," for now Chantally Lace feels Cheap. But in 1:1 time with Brad, he asks that she: "Feel confident. in. the. fact. that I am. so wild. ly. attracted. to the fact. that you are. everything I have. not . been. with. in the past." You know, "independant, not needy . . . " LORD. Thank God the Nanny is here to save us in her off-one-shoulder pink satin monstrosity.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back):
1. The Nanny
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Shawntel of the Dead
4. Lisa (WHO IS THIS?!??!)
5. Jackie the Artist
7. Marissa (again, who???)
8. the Dentist.

Meghan, whose lack of air time has not stopped her from wearing a toga, runs off like she's got to take a dump. Lindsay, whom we also don't know, is sad. And we feel bad for Stacy the Bartender, who both earned her stripes by commenting on Broke Back's bulging eyeballs and also confessed to cheating in college, only to get the axe.

Stay tuned for next week, when the *ladies* go to Las Vegas.

KLo

Wombat Part 3: Scared Straight

We settle down for the evening -- I with my pen, KMu with her wrap, and ABe with Chubby Hubby all snug in her lap. Bring It On, ABC, for We Are Ready. Displaying sense far wiser than her 27 days, our youngest member of the BNU staff, baby EMu, promptly wets herself and starts screaming with the opening credits. It's okay, baby EMu, this is your body's natural response to trauma.

With no ado, Wombat Part 3 begins with the first date card being deposited in the lap of The Nanny (one of the many Ashleys): "Let's find our Love Song." Crimey. The Nanny is excited: "Ih'm a gonna mahke sure ah get a kihuss!" says she. We secretly wonder if she can pucker with all those marbles in her mouth. Broke Back Michelle is wondering the same thing. NONE of these "girls" are right for the Wombat, BBM concludes. Not the puffy one (who IS that on the because daaamn), not any of the Shawn/Chantals, and not, under no uncertain terms, the Nanny.

Anyway, Brad roars up in his fancity car and asks the ladies "hey. ever.y.body. how. are. you?" before whisking the Nanny to Studio A to record a song. "Mah accent is reahhly chahrming, buht my singing voice is reahhly bahd," warns the Nanny. Color us shocked. But we are more interested in the Nanny's outfit, which appears to be a billowy raceback tank, skinny jeans, and high heels. As "billowy" and "racerback" have no business being conjoined on the back of anyone but Sharon Stone, we are skeptical.

Anyway, the Wombat has selected "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal. "BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. OOOOOOH, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, YEAH." The Nanny is all choked up because she and her dad used to sing this song together before he died. The sound guy, on the other hand, has fortified himself with an "okay, here we go," and a brandy hidden under the table. . . . and is now pissing himself, a la EMu, at the sound stylings of Wombat & the Nanny.

Fortunately for all of us, the Wombat concludes that The Nanny has "been through enough" now (like what, her 12th birthday?), and so he wants to "show her something." Naturally, that something is Seal, in the flesh, properly singing his song. The Nanny is thrilled, "it's lihke mah dad orchestrated this fruhm abohve." We are also secretly thrilled, as we always loved Seal, even though EFri played this very song incessantly in our dormroom during college.

But here is our thing. It is MLK Day today, and the only nod to racial/ethnic/cultural diversity on this show is SEAL and a few women who we know are of an origin to require regular waxing. WTF.

And also, why is The Nanny wearing a Swatch? We almost thought it was a tennis-playing-wrist-sweat-blocker, so large is this thing on her arm. But no, we get a nice long look when Brad attempts to break The Nanny's elbow by squeezing it straight and what we see is . . . the biggest shiney plastic bracelet ever, with a teensy little watch in the middle. Girrrrl, when this viewer was in 6th grade, we INVENTED the Swatch, Mennonite-style. Our version was the tube top of an old aquamarine sock, cut off and worn under a gold watch. We were Awesome and Hot in the 6th grade.

Anyway, off we go to the roof, where Bradley has set up "an. incred. ibly. nice. dinner." He has concluded that The Nanny is "great. but. there are. still. some things. about her. as. a woman. that. I . would. like to know." We also have some questions, as a woman. Chief among them are how she can wear said billowy, racerback tank without her girls playing parachute with the front.

Alas, we shall never know, as this is the moment for an In Depth Conversation regarding The Nanny's dad and his untimely death. "I am so sorry, let me have sex with you and make you feel better," says the Wombat. Okay, so that last part was added by ABe, but we feel certain he meant it. Naturally, the Nanny gets a rose on this date.

Back at the house, date card #2 has arrived: "Love Hurts." Oh dear. This card is for Shawntel of the Dead, Broke Back Michelle, the Dentist, Twin Towers Alli, Chantal, and a bunch of other women who we STILL don't know: Lindsay, Britt, Kimberley, Sarah, Lisa, Stacey, and Marissa. We secretly wonder if these people are actually Extras, and will all be killed off by the end of the episode. We wonder how we could get that gig, but Broke Back has no such questions. Though she is going on this date, she has still found something with which to be upset: "What really hurts is being on a group date with all these other women. " Of course it does, BBM.

The women, in skin-tight athletic gear, pile into a black Amish Hauling Van to head to their secret date destination. We wonder who sent the memo that neon green and yellow are "in" this year, as we thought Communication With The Outside was forbidden. However, we admit that there is a certain amount of logic in the neons: If you blind someone with your top, that person is less likely to see the backfat lurking beneath the surface.

So the Amish Van-O-Neon pulls up at a movie set, where the women freak out when Brad's introduction is interrupted by a choreographed fight scene in which he beats the crap out of six tattooed Asian thugs with a broomstick. In slow motion. That's right, babies: they are going to Film an Action Adventure, with director Stephen Ho. The plot? The women must fight their way through Asian evilness to rescue the Wombat, who has been taken captive. Oh wait, maybe THIS is what Dr. King meant about teaching tolerance.

As the women kick, stretch, and kick their way through fight sequences, Alli Twin Towers worries about pit stains in her complicated leotardy top and Sara whispers that the Wombat is "like, really good at this." Please, for the love of all that is holy, let's not have another Bachelor playing himself on soap operas for the next year just because he has the "acting bug." BMM saunters into her scene, unconvincingly kicks a few Asians, and saunters back out. Meh.

But Shawntel of the Dead is Taking No Prisoners. She beats up the Asian. Then the other Asian. She finds Brad (now tied up to a pole, hhahahha), rips the tape off his mouth, stares longingly at him, and then whispers: "You must pay the rent." Okay not really, but they do kiss. And before we know it, the Wombat is carrying her of an abandoned warehouse-- he shirtless, and she in high heels, a black turtleneck, and leopard print tights, having apparently FORGOTTEN HER BOTTOMS.

Broke Back Michelle is horrified by this display. She wants to drop kick Shawntel of the Dead, and to share a "sexy, slippery, sensual" kiss with the Wombat. So, for a period of time, this viewer was obsessed with Jujy Fruits. Until we realized, upon further reflection, that they are Not A Date Food, and that eating them increased the likelihood that one would accidentally "slip her date a Jujy," released from the archives of our molars, during an unanticipated kiss. And that, my babies, is called Growth.

But we digress. Back at the group date, the Wombat takes the women to Solair, a bar of heat lamps. You know, just because the date would not be complete without Big Foot's carbon footprint on the thing. Brad is happy, as "today was great. I had a chance to be physically active with all the ladies." Ew. He is also apparently ready for round 2, as everyone jumps in the pool. "Ah yes, the chicken fight mating ritual," says KMu, sagely.

Soon, we are in 1:1 time. Chantal (we think) is weeping on the Wombat's shoulder about her worst mistake in life. We thought this was getting married to the person she has since divorced, but no. It was, in fact, not tracing down her real father, who abandoned her, before his death in February. Okay, this is like girl #30 with daddy issues. AND ALSO, from the tracking-down-of-real-dad process, Chantal has realized her biggest mistake: Living For Tomorrow, Instead of Today. We don't know what to say, except that Chantal just dropped a few notches in our eyes for answering a question la Miss America. But the Wombat doesn't care, as they apparently have Extreme Chemistry.

Shawntel of the Dead, however, is rising in our estimation. She concludes that she had a great time with the Wombat, but that "now a pack of hyenas is after him." One such hyena being Twin Towers Alli, who tells Brad during 1:1 time that she she was a swimmer through age 15. "Congratulations, you were competitive through middle school," says KMu.

Never fear, for Broke Back Michelle is hot in pursuit, staring forelornly through the glass doors as Twin Towers Alli and Brad talk indoors before finally coming inside to stand 10 feet away from them and drum her fingernails. This woman is batshit, but successful: the Wombat quickly excuses himself from Twin Towers Alli and goes to talk with Broke Back.

Oh, BMM wants Brad to know that "there is so much to me, as a mother!" Oh, she worries that she is "not doing the right thing" and neglecting her only child for television. Oh!, she wants to "pursue the potential" for an important relationship with him. We vomit in our mouths as the Wombat buys it hook, line, and sinker, swears Broke Back is not neglecting her child, and comforts her. Says BMM later on, she can't wait to be in Tahiti, practicing making babies with Brad. We have no words.

Aaaaan, the rose goes to Shawntel of the Dead on this date. YAY.

Back at home, date card #3 has come for Dolly Pemily: "Love is Intoxicating." YES. DRUNK DATE!!!! But Dolly Pemily is nervous. She doesn't know if she can tell the story of her fiancee dying to the Bachelor, so she tells it once (you know, just for practice) to the other girls left at home from the group date. The puffy faced girl is crying, Fangs is crying, everybody is crying except The Nanny. Dolly Pemily, says one woman, is a "barbie doll with the soul of mother theresa." Yes, and this viewer is a nutcracker with the soul of an old cat.

The Wombat comes to pick Dolly Pemily up for her date, and ABe is horrified by every aspect of her wardrobe: a shorts romper, a sleeveless sweater that is long in front and itty in the back, and stripper heels. Dolly Pemily has to hold onto the door frame to get down the 2 steps into the sunken living room with the Wombat arrives. But he doesn't notice, asn he has been "looking. forward. to this. date. for. ever." And what better way to get there than. .. . . a PLANE!!! Dolly Pemily looks terrified, in a gracious way, as the Wombat presents her with their mode of transportation. We feel bad for her emotionally, but also secretly feel that she got her just desserts for wearing Those Shoes as she teeters up the loading dock.

As Dolly Pemily and Brad drink wine and eat sausage (hee hee) under a mountain of blankets at Contoria Vineyard, we wonder if ABC has decided to freeze them to death. But soon we don't care, as Dolly Pemily threatens to tip the scales of insipidity further than they have Ever Been Tipped Before:
Wombat: "Tell me about you."
Dolly Pemily: "Um, I mean, I don't know. I'm just like everybody. When I'm tired, I get grumpy. So, um, the same things as everyone else."
Wombat: "Uh, okay. So . . . what has been your best date?"
Dolly Pemily: "Oh, something with your best friend, being silly, being yourself. That would be my best date."
As KMu points out, this likely passed for a Deep and Meaningful Conversation when last Dolly Pemily dated, at AGE 15. But this is going No Where Good, and we even feel bad for the Wombat, who is sincerely trying.

The Wombat decides to take a new approach: bringing Dolly Pemily to a giant barn, strewn with candles on top of straw, in the dead of night. Obviously, no one responsible for this show grew up in the Midwest. ABe sings: "Late last night, while we were all in bed. Mrs. O'Leary put a lantern in the shed. And when the cow kicked it over, she winked her eye and said: There'll be a hot time, in the old town, tonight!" Seriously people, this rivals that animated movie that came out a few years ago in which all the cows were male.

But whether it is the terror of being charbroiled or the wine (which she is now downing with amazing speed), but Dolly Pemily finally spits out her story and tells Brad about her daughter. The Wombat is pleased: "It seems like 100 lbs were lifted off her shoulders," says he. Yes, leaving only skeletons left in her closet, as Dolly Pemily does not have 100 lbs to lift. As they chat more comfortably, the Wombat gives Dolly Pemily the rose and they kiss. Blech.

Now that the dates are over, the Wombat is in a self-reflective mood. Thank goodness that Jamie Green, a british man who is Brad's "therapist whil he's in L.A." happens to be in town. Babies, Jamie comes for a therapy session and ABC FILMS IT. We do not know what level of HIPAA compliance had to be achieved for this to be okay on any planet, but we know two things: 1) Jamie Green is not a real therapist because he spends all the time talking about his own thoughts and opinions, and 2) we concur with ABe that we could write an entire blog on the wrongness of this moment.

Uncle Jamie feels it's important for Brad to "bring back the playfullness" in his life, and tells Brad all about how he sees Brad progressing in life. We feel dirty. But the Wombat is inspired: "I'm going to use this cocktail party to really talk to the ladies." Good idea, Brad, alcohol always helps one get to know someone more intimately, so to speak.

At last, the cocktail party of which Brad speaks is upon us. The Dentist is freaked out because "women" are starting to feel a little bit of jealousy, etc. And also, she is wearing a lace one-piece mini-dress like it was 1989. But Jackie the Artist, with a vagina on her shoulder, puts the Dentist's miniskirt to shame. Yes, Jackie, why bother with the lace when you can Air It Out for All to See. We Cannot Look Away from Jackie's dress. . . .

At least until Brad shows up and starts his 1:1 rounds. Twin Towers Alli, with a big bow on her chest, says she "wrapped myself up as a present for you." Won't she feel like a moron if he sends her home. Broke Back Michelle also insists on talking to the Wombat, but we are pleased when he only lets her give him a hug before making a B-line for Chantal. In 1:1 time with Chantal, the Wombat apologizes for not responding well when Chantal divulged her story about Living for Today. She says it's okay because he's a "good prize at the end" (???).

Naturally, Broke Back interrupts. . . to announce that "you and I are kinda in a fight" to the Wombat. She informs him further that she shared a first kiss with him, and then learned that he kissed both Shawntel of the Dead and Chantal." We don't understand how the Wombat is not kicking this woman off the show by now, but he LOVES the attention she is giving him, however imbalanced: "I like that she is so direct. I LOVE that she wants me to know she wants my time." Le Sigh.

And then. . . Fangs shows up Without Her Top. We had an unexpectedly heartwarming moment towards Fangs when, after Dolly Pemily told her story earlier in Wombat Part 3, Fangs was essentially Scared Straight by the reality of what a real relationship is. Said Fangs at the time, "I would have liked to fall in love here, but some of these women need to, they need this." Yes, and now Fangs needs some clothing, as her northern lady parts appear to be covered solely by a pashmina worn across her shoulders. As she talks to the Wombat, we catch a sideview of jubbly rockclimbing under her armpit. Not ribfat. JUBBLY.

Fangs takes off her . . fangs, and becomes Madison again as she tells the Bachelor that she "owes you where my mind's at." She tells him that she feels like everything she would do now, would be taking away from others." He is concerned, understandably, as we all know This Is The End of Fangs. But this still does not prevent him from wandering off to have 1:1 time with The Dentist, who has Emotionally Withdrawn, but which he reels back in with a big dramatic kiss.

And he picks, to join The Nanny, Shawntel of the Dead, and Dolly Pemily:
1. Broke Back Michelle (wtf)
2. Chantal (yay)

Suddenly, Fangs storms out. The Wombat, unnerved, follows her into another room, where she again tells him that she would have a really hard time taking a rose from any of the other women who put so much on the line. Both Brad and this viewer like this more honest version of Fangs, even when she says "it's not easy to just walk into this fairy tale and walk out with prince charming." "Especially with those shoes," says ABe, and we can't help but feel ABe is correct, as Fangs has chosen to wear those cuff-heels made popular by the alcohol monitoring set. Vaya con Dios, Fangs.

And the Wombat returns to continue picking:

3. Lisa (WHO IS THIS)
4. Jackie the Artist and her tribute to Georgia O'Keefe
5. Marissa (again, WHO IS THIS?)
6. Britt (see supra)
7. Twin Towers Alli
8. Lindsay -- oh, right right. The redhead in the red dress. Again.
9. Meghan (again, who is this????)
10. Stacy (GAH we don't know these people!!!).

Kimberley, who we also don't know, gets the axe. She is a graceful loser: F*** Brad. I could walk out of here today and start dating tomorrow. His loss." But Sara, the other person to get the axe, is a mess about it.

Stay tuned for next week, when the women talk to Dr. Drew about cheating. OOOOOO.

KLo

Wombat Parts 1 and 2: Wards of the RIng

Babies, so we were in Europe. And then it snowed. And THEN we elected to go skiing and eat cookies instead of watch an old episode Bachelor this weekend. We confess it. But now we are back, like Brad Wombat, and ready for a Two Part Feature. So let us begin with Part 1, or what we like to call . . .

The Fellowship of the Ring:
Poor Wombat, his initial attempt to bestow the Ring of Power on Jennie and Double-D, three years ago, ended in misery for everyone. "Everything came crashing down" and he knew that "nothing would ever be the same." So, after three or four months of panic attacks, name-calling on blogs, and agony, he Had Enough.
"He went gay?" asked KMu.
No, my gentle viewers. But he DID summon a team to help him carry this burden, including Chris Harrison and a therapist. And the therapist, with Brad's HIPAA waiver in hand, is ready to tell America that the Wombat now "has the tools" to be in a relationship. But we are WAY more interested in the Wombat's back tat -- a twelve inch cross, a la olden tymes, across his shoulder blades -- than Brad's "tools." Even when said tools are wrapped in a Rocky III montage of running, jumping rope, and situps.

So a few years ago, our friends DOe and PIa introduced us to a local public network dating show, with which we became obsessed. Every episode was sponsored by a business or two in town. And because we live in relative rurality, these businesses are such things as the bowling alley and the make-your-own-jewelry store. In the first episode, which happened to be sponsored by the TATTOO PARLOR, the lucky couple became inebriated (at the bowling alley) and then were inked. She, with a small nuckle tattoo. He, with a giant cross on his back. Best. Show. Ever. But now we are wondering if that man was Brad, and if his tattoo was really a call for help, as we know of no man who would voluntarily get a big cross on his back at age 35, having apparently concluded, in college, that barbed wire around his bicep is neither a New Idea nor a Good One.

Anyway, after three years of therapy and a new tattoo, the Wombat is ready. So let's meet a few of the 30 women (because god forbid he only has 25 to select from) who will be traveling with him on this Journey:
1. Ashley is a dentist who considers herself to be an "artist" and the mouth her "canvas." She dances around in her bedroom and announces that the Wombat can look forward to "fun, romance, and healhty gums" with her.
2. Shawntal, who "meets a lot of guys in my profession." (pole dancer?). "Unfortunately, they are not alive." (hello, Clarice.). Her "parents will be buried in a mausoleum in Chico, Tx," SHE will be buried in a mausoleum, and "if all things go right with Brad, the bachelor has a good chance of being buried in Chico." OMG. RUN. She is, apparently, a funeral director.
3. Another Ashley, a Nanny. This interview consists of crying, as she recently lost her dad. She looks about 19 years old, but ABC is not putting ages beside names anymore (damn it).
4. Chantal (not to be confused with Shawntel), who is an executive assistant who works for her dad. Ok, we kind of like her, despite the fact that she was obviously born in 1985 with a name like that.
5. Michelle, a hairstylist/single mom who is a little Elizabeth Hurley in a Broke Back Mountain kind of way. No way in hell this girl was born in the 80s.
6. Raichel, a "manscaper." We see a lot of de-hairing of men on this one, and are slightly traumatized.
7. Meghan, who works in fashion. Meghan opines that men are like shoes -- one must go through a lot of cheap, cheesy ones before finding the best. We wonder what this means about us and our beloved Clogs.
8. Madison, a model with fangs. Yes, she seems to like the vampire thing a bit too much. We know she is supposed to be sensational and we are supposed to want to write about her, but we are already bored.
9. Emily, a childrens hospital event planner with the hair of Heidi Montag and the wardrobe of Dolly Parton. Emily met her ex, "Ricky" at age 15 and was engaged at 19. He was a race car driver, who died in a plane crash in 2004. The same week, Emily learned she was pregnant with their daughter . . . .Ricky. Sayeth KMu: "her name is Ricky, right? Not Ricky Bobbie?"

And then oh crap, suddenly we are seeing woman after woman getting ready, and we are just too tired to keep up. So instead, we watch Brad being interviewed by Chris Harrison. Blah blah trust issues, blah blah he feels bad about Jennie and Double D. Oh wait, they are HERE? And ready for their apology?? Yes, yes. Jennie and Double D rise from the ashes, Jennie in a black pillow case and belt, and Deanna in some sort of silver number. Both women are over him and skeptical of his ability to succeed in Bachelor Boot Camp. But the Wombat, he wants so badly to meet the new women, and to "see the light at the end of the tunnel." Sweets, that light is a TRAIN.

But suddenly we are distracted, because KMu has just offered us . . . THE KITTY. OMG, how the kitty made the journey from ABC prop room to the Mus living room is a mystery to us, but we are delighted nonetheless. We snuggle into its warmth, and forget its sordid past.

So here comes limo #1 with. . .
1. Chantal the executive assistant, who slaps the Wombat for "all women in america."
2. Kimberley, who looks like a Tim Burton cartoon (bubble head, long neck) and apparently works in marketing.
3. Alli the marketing director. Hello, Twin Towers. Put those girls away, Alli.
4. Ashley the Nanny, who actually says "aren't you a tall drink of water" and then grabs Brad's butt. We hate her dress, a spangly one-shoulder number that reminds us forcibly of our swimsuit in the 5th grade.
5. Meghan of the men-are-shoes. She is sporting hot pink wedges, like a drag queen after a bad night.
6. Melissa? Marissa? A sports publicist who has matched her pale pink dress to her pale pink eyeshadow. We also wonder if the carpet matches the curtains.
7. Lindsay from dallas. We don't know what she does. Redhead. Red Dress.
8. Ashley the Dentist.
9. Raichel the manscaper in blue spangles.
10. Madison aka "Fang." "You do look delicious." says she. "Tell me about the lambs and don't lie, because I'll know," says KMu.

Limo #2 arrives (we are sorry for this part of the BNU, but there are just so many women and there is no good way to do this), with:
11. Melissa the waitress. She has exactly one boob tassel on her dress, and will not age well.
12. Renee, ANOTHER Nanny with a squeeky voice.
13. Cristy, an attorney who shows us all her teeth. We don't have to remember her, as we know that No Attorney Will Survive. She also claims that she doesn't know anything about Brad, so apparently she is also a bad attorney.
14. Jackie, an "artist," (*coughUnemployedcough*), who makes the Wombat pinkie swear not to break her heart.
15. Sarah P, a real estate broker whom we forgive for her name, as we like her.
16. "Lacey," an insurance agent. COME ON, parents. Name your girls for the boardroom, not the bedroom.
17. Lauren, a highschool teacher in an ill-fitting golden number.
18. Lisa P in sales. And also, in the uggliest muffin top of a dress ever (yet brilliant for big dinners).
19. Shawntel the funeral director, who also has a neck tat (though smaller). Oh look, they will have something to talk about!
20. Britnee the Paralegal. Of course that's her name.

Aaaaaaand, in limo # 3 we have . . .
21. Stacey the bartender. Two words: leather tassels.
22. Jill the sales director. We don't remember her.
23. Lisa, in a blue dress and ruby slippers. Please go home to Kansas.
24. Rebecca, another esthetician who, unlike Raichel, does not specialize in man hair.
25. "J," an operations manager. It's her birthday.
26. Keltie the Rockett. Who looks like a Sheltie. We are not making this up. But we like her anyway.
27. Sarah a "musical theater performer." We bet $1 she was most recently employed in Branson, MO summerstock.
28. Emily, mother of Ricky. In the following: a black bustier with ruffles along the top AND bottom, and a silver belt clip. Why hello, Dolly.
29. Britt, a food writer.
30. Brokeback Michelle the hairstylist, in the Most Awful Dress Ever. It has tassels. Like the t-shirts women wear at an Airstreamers Convention.

So we have a flurry of rose ceremony interviews in which the women generally grill Brad about his Epic Fail the last time he was a bachelor. Among others, Ashley the nanny whispers that they have a clean slate, Raichel the manscaper waxes his wrist, Alli of the Twin towers needs to know if he can handle her jelly, as she was once dumped because her behind was not petite enough (seriously, who ARE these men you are dating), and Jackie the artist . . . sings. "as a hobby." They say, they say that Love, it don't come eeeeeaaaaasy. But no, instead she sings:
I came here today.
All the way to LA
What more can I say.
Take me away.

And also, the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain. Shoot us now.

Moving on, we watch Twin Towers Alli and Renee (nanny #2) ping pong back and forth with Brad and are ashamed for them. Emily/Dolly P. is really a coal miner's daughter from the south. Brad wants to know if Madison is "for real" with the fangs because if it's just an act, he wants her to leave, but if she's serious, then "that is really really hot" (yes, until she is 70 years old and everyone secretly wonders if she has a bad case of the snaggletooth), and Michelle the hairstylist has taken the Ring Toss rings and attached them to her ears. She is way too Maria Elena, a la Vicki Christina Barcelona. We wonder if she has a handgun somewhere.

The first impression rose goes to Ashley the nanny, who is joined by:
("They look like a pinata," says KMu of the women):
1. Broke Back Michelle.
2. Tim Burton's Kimberley
3. Fangs
4. Dolly Pemily
5. Raichel the manscaper
6. Sheltie Keltie
7. Ashley the dentist
8. Meghan of the shoes
9. Lisa M, also of the shoes (see ruby slippers, supra)
10. Lindsay -- red head, red dress
11. Sarah P
12. Marissa the sports person in the pink eyeshadow and pink dress
13. Alli twin towers
14. Britt the food critic
15. Stacey the bartender with the leather tassels
16. Shawntel the funeral director
17. Jackie the artist
18. Melissa the waitress with solitary boob tassel
19. the other Chantal.

The High school teacher is "at a loss." Britnee the paralegal is crying (really, if you are in the legal profession, you should know you have no choice). And all the women in their various puff pastry dresses, all of whom should have known better, have been cut. But even so, we pray for the love of god, that Brad narrows these women down further because this is just too many.

Which brings us to Part 2: The Return of the King.

Oh, Brad is so excited to be waking up in LA and be the Bachelor again. To illustrate his excitement, he plays with a football on a cliff. He has come home, babies.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game to the women, who are already drinking bellinis. He also delivers date card #1, which is for Ashley the Dentist. The other Ashley, the Nanny who got the first impression rose in Part 1, looks murderous. Melissa the waitress also informs us all that she has been waiting to do this for eight years, has spent a fortune on clothes, and quit her job to go on the show, so she is Ready. Several thoughts immediately run through this viewer's mind: 1) she is older than shit. 2) WE are older than shit, as we have been blogging this show in some form for longer than she has been contemplating it, and 3) really, spending a fortune on clothes after quitting one's job is a BRILLIANT idea sure to bring Melissa nothing but success.

But off we go to date #1. We like Ashley the Dentist because she is a gainfully employed professional. However, she has forgotten her bottoms. Ashley's dress is gold lame on top, and a crinoline slip on the bottom. When this viewer was a child, we and our sisters were jealous of our friends, the RPon, RPon2, and EPon (aka, the "Pon girls") because they got to wear fabulous crinolines under their easter dresses, and we got to wear polyester made from our grandmother's old dressing gowns. But this is our point: the crinoline was UNDER the skirt. Not the skirt itself. We are about to suggest that Ashley the Dentist Look Into Bottoms until . . .

Sweet Jonah in the whale, is that a CLOWN?!? Okay, we would have nightmares on this date. They have gone to the carnival, dearies, and there are clowns EVERYWHERE. Alcohol and clowns don't mix, ABC. Especially when it is a deserted carnival, built especially for you, in the middle of a field at night. This is the beginning of a Stephen King novel, ABC, NOT A DATE. But of course, Ashley and Brad put on a brave face and pretend that they are having fun, running around from ride to ride with far more energy than this viewer would possess, in heels or otherwise.

In the end, the Wombat and Ashley the Dentist finally sit still long enough to realize that both of them had absentee fathers who struggled with addiction issues and left their families to fend for themselves. This is very sad. We are also a bit dizzy now because Ashley talks with her hands so much that we secretly wonder if she is also Signs Sunday services at a megachurch. Anyway, Brad concludes that "I like this girl. I like this girl a lot." And we confess that Forest has a point, so we are at peace when she gets the Safety Rose. Ashley shall live to clean another gum.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Date Card #2 has arrived for 15 women, and it says "Let's start sharing from the heart." Hm. This is for 15 women, which we will admit that we did not keep track of, but which we think involves some combination of Sheltie Keltie, Chantal the executive assistant (whom we like), Fangs, Sports Marissa, Raichel the manscaper, Britt the food writer, Meghan of the shoes, Dolly Pemily, Stacy (who is she?), Lisa (and who is she also?), Broke Back Michelle, and some others. Broke Back Michelle is already complaining that "tomorrow is going to drive me crazy."

Karma is a bitch, Broke Back.

So Broke Back has assembled 4 flying saucers and fashioned them together as earings for her date. It is also, allegedly, her 30th birthday this day. There is no way on God's green earth that this woman is 30. And also, we think we have figured out how contestants match their paper age to their true age on this show: say you're 24 and then suddenly "have a birthday" during filming. AND ALSO, Michelle is wearing a T-shirt with the arms hanging by threads to this date, secured by a big belt. We are so sad that the 1980s have come back to town.

But we put this aside, because all of our BNU fantasies have come true: Michelle and the other 14 women will be making a Public Service Announcement. We secretly hope it is for STDs. But no, it is for the Red Cross (which could still be for STDs). Sheltie Keltie is traumatized because she is "playing a butch giril in a neckbrace and arm casts." Ok, we love this girl.

But what follows is the worst telenovela ever, with the Wombat playing a moustachioed man called "Gustavo," the lover of two women and the baby daddy of another. We are unsure as to how this relates to giving blood. But after multiple takes of some kissing scene, Melissa the waitress (who will not age well) finally walks up to the set -- of which she is not a part -- and kisses Brad herself. Oh, awkward. Says one of the women, "Melissa has been acting a little awkward all day."
Says PMu: "It's called Menopause."

So blah blah Fangs gets to wear a leather dominatrix outfit and order Brad to lick her boot (again, what does this have to do with blood?), and Sheltie Keltie completely commits to her role, which is awesome. But then, Broke Back Michelle storms off set. Brad follows her like an idiot, allowing Broke Back to rope him in with a flounce of her jubblies and a claim that she's REALLY interested in getting to know him .. . before announcing to the camera that "everyone he kisses after me is going to be one huge disappointment." She is terrifying.

The group date concludes with a party on the roof. Melissa the waitress wastes no time in 1:1 selling herself as "very spontaneous," (blech), and Broke Back Michelle, in a necklace stolen from Betty Rubble, tells Brad that he has "walls" and that she wants to "peel his layers." Meanwhile, Melissa the waitress and Raichel the manscaper have gotten into some sort of epic slow-mo verbal bitchfight. We are uninterested, though we do note for the sake of journalistic integrity that it goes on for the entire evening, and the rose ceremony the following night.

The rose ultimately goes to Broke Back Michelle on this date, proving that years of therapy still have not saved Brad from himself.

Date Card #3 has come during this date, and it is for Jackie. "Let's get our love on track," it says. Meh. We are trying to be open-minded, but she has several strikes against her, including 1) being an artist of unknown media, 2) who sings badly as a hobby, and 3) who has no chemistry whatsoever with the Wombat. But of course she draws the "dress up fancy and pretend we are millionaires" date card, which starts with an uncomfortable couples' spa mud facial followed by hand massage by the Wombat (while still in mudmask), followed by picking out a dress from a number of fancy ones, and then wearing the fancy necklace from (probably) neil lane.

As they roll up to the theater for dinner, Jackie is all excited that the electronic marquee says "For Jackie, Love Brad." We suspect that 30 seconds later, it also says: "Time: 8:04. Temperature: 45 degrees." But whatever. So at this date, we learn that Jackie has only had two boyfriends in her life: one in high school and one sometime later. As we neither know her age nor dated ourselves much in college, we cannot throw stones. But for whatever reason, this has terrified the Wombat, who sees Jackie as someone like himself three years ago, closed off to love. That is just stupid.

Somehow, Jackie manages to get the rose on this date, even though, when the band Train comes to sing to them ("Will you marry me." AWKWARD), we learn that she cannot dance, on top of lacking chemistry.

And then we are at the cocktail party yet again. As the opening toast begins, Broke Back Michelle suddenly drags Brad off to obtain some Vital Important Information to Coupledom Success:
1. Do you prefer starbucks or the coffee bean? (starbucks)
2. What is your refridgerater stocked with? (eggs, turkey, water)
Brad repeates each question like an oral exam before answering. Michelle signals approval for his answers, even though we are confident she would approve even if he said that he drank mayonaisse and stocked his fridge with the carcasses of animals he had killed.

The cocktail party seems to go on and on, with Raichel and Melissa the waitress continuing their bickering, each individually crying to the Wombat about the incivility of the other, and a surprise appearance by Ali and Roberto of last season, who interview the women to determine who should stay/go. Our stock in Chantal the exec assistant goes up, as she is completely normal to Ali/Roberto and gives a thumbs down to both Raichel and Melissa.

To make a long story short, Dolly Pemily gets the special rose this evening, and she joins Ashley the Dentist, Broke Back Michelle, and Jackie in the "safety zone." And joining her are:
1. Chantal the executive assistant (yay)
2. Sarah P
3. Twin Towers Alli
4. Tim Burton's Kimberley (wtf.)
5. Shawntel of the Dead.
6. Stacy the bartender
7. Ashley the Nanny
8. Fangs
9. Lisa (who is this person???)
10. Sports marissa
11. Meghan of the shoes.
12. Lindsay
13. Britt the food critic.

Thanfully, Melissa the waitress and Raichel both get the axe. But, we are also sad to see Sheltie Keltie go, as we liked her.

We still don't know who all of these people are, but we suspect that we shall Learn More Critical Information next week, when the survivors apparently make a movie. Let's hope it isn't Lord of the Flies.
Peace,
KLo