Fifty Shades Darker Part 9: The Possible Betrayal of First Peter.

Babies, this Author is feeling her jet lag as we continue our slog through last week’s Bachelorette.  Behold, our soul:

Our eyes are equally assaulted, as Rachel has appeared on camera wearing a jacket that she ripped off the shoulders of Sheila E in 1992 and turned into a skirt. 

There are military vest aspects, including but not limited to buttons.  And also, serious asymmetry.  Together with a heavy dose of lace trim.  And the whole thing is capped on top with a white V-neck men’s t-shirt.

What. The Actual. Futon.

Apparently this is how one dresses to introduce men to her family in Dallas, Texas.  Yes, babies, that’s right – instead of waiting for the last two contestants to meet the family, usually after the overnight dates, IT. IS. HAPPENING. NOW.  This is because Rachel’s sister Constance is 8 months pregnant and basically due upon the moment of Rachel’s finale. 

We are excited because First Peter is going first.  Behold our excitement:

First our Heroine takes First Peter to the baby store to pick up a few gifts for her sister.  

Demonstrating that First Peter has no brothers and therefore no concept of what it is like to be dressed the same as one’s same gendered sibling, he reveals that he likes the matchy matchy outfits.  

We think this is ultimately what they decide on but have once again resumed our viewing position so we can’t be sure:

 Before First Peter and RLind go in the door, he reveals that he wants to express something.  And that thing is that she “means the world to” him and also, that he is “falling in love with” her.   Rachel beams, and they go in to meet sister Constance, Husband Alex, Mom Kathy, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Connie, and a cousin (Trixie??).  We are sad that her dad is not there, but understand because he is a federal judge (which let’s be honest, would only make it more awesome).

In answer to 20 questions about his family, First Peter reveals that his parents met when they were 20 and 21, respectively, and got engaged one month later.  They’ve been together now 36 years.  Oh! But even though First Peter understands how crazy that sounds and indeed, how it is equally crazy to be on this show, its as if he and RLind have known each other forever!

First Peter, continuing to hammer what he maybe should lay off of at this point, then proceeds to tell her family that he’s been super honest with her about where his head’s at, and describes how he realized he was falling in love – though he isn’t there yet.   While we respect his carefulness, at some point dude, you don’t need to keep reminding everyone you aren’t sure. 

In various 1:1s, both RLind and First Peter reveal that they don’t see red flags in each other yet.  Constance grills her sister about whether she’s been clear with the guys about how she wants marriage and kids (answer: yes), and First Peter tells Mom Kathy that he has developed strong feelings for Rachel but doesn’t want to ask for permission to propose until he’s certain she’s the one.  

So instead, he’s asking for permission to continue dating.  Mom Kathy agrees, provided that his approach to dating is a serious one, “as serious as being married” because that is what Rachel wants, and she wants him to be respectful of her daughter.

 We love mom Kathy. But this date ends with a feeling of slight lukewarmness towards First Peter.

Next up, Eric.  As they head out the door to meet Rachel’s family, Goose begins gently prying information from First Peter about whether First Peter asked for a blessing to propose.  First Peter finds Goose’s declaration that he’s going to make that request as “balsy” and somewhat offensive.  

Ooo.

Ok, so Eric.  Gentle readers, this Author is dying of the sleep deprivations at this part so we know there are some declarations of love and some honest reveals about his family, but we get distracted by the attractiveness of a power nap and an interesting article about Scaramucci’s departure from the administration. 

So we summarize:  Eric didn’t have a structured home life but craves that for himself.  He loves RLind because she challenges him.  He describes what he thinks marriage looks like as “commitment on all cylinders,” which we think is fair. People are concerned that he hasn’t been home to meet the family of a girlfriend in 6 or 7 years and also, that his longest relationship was 8 months. 

Mom tells the camera that Eric appears very honest and has a desire to get married and raise a family.  When he asks her for permission to propose, she politically responds that she trusts her daughter, so if her daughter selects Eric, then they have her blessing.  

We like Eric, but we reiterate that we don’t think he’s there yet.

Then date #3 is upon us, which is the day on which Goose gets to meet the family.  He is wearing his Switzerland watch and, when RLind shows up with hers, Eric finds special significance in match.  All we know is that we would let everyone down because we don’t change our jewelry ever and also, don’t wear a watch.  This is because our soul is that of a wet cat and not a lotus blossom.

And also, the jet lag.

So while THIS date is happening, First Peter reveals to Eric that he’s not a big fan of Goose.  “He’s got his Miami swagger, but in Miami there are a lot of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks, so what that swagger means I don’t know.”  Oooo, do we have a rivalry among the suitors? 

On Rachel’s date with Goose, she decides to take him to meet two friends, Marissa and Lauren, who are also her coworkers and who ALSO signed Rachel up for the bachelor years ago.  He reveals unto them his vital stats:  37 years old, chiropractor, schooling, he’s serious about RLind, and so forth. 

  Rachel reveals that she thought him a perfectly charming douchebag when they first met, but has since proven her wrong.

So, off we go to meet the family next.  He “expects” he will make a good impression on them, as he did on her friends.  Except when Goose says, “I love my mom, she is number one in my life always.” 

Constance, for All of Us, be like:

They don’t like that he throws the “love” word around so much.

Also this:

Mom Kathy:  “You mentioned that you were close to your mother.   In a marriage, when your wife and mother bump heads, where does the loyalty lies? “

Goose:  “Well, my loyalty lies with my wife.”

Mom Kathy:  “But if they can’t work it out, where does the loyalty lie?”

Him:  [Sigh].

Then when Goose says he felt like Rachel was his girlfriend after a week, Constance, again, be like:

Constance, like all of us, thinks Goose is a charmer.  “Direct and open, but is there sincerity behind it?” So her guard is all the way up. 

When Rachel gets pissy with her family about their grilling, Mom Kathy tries to explain that Rachel is in a bubble but they are not.  So, they need to ask these questions, based on what they see more objectively, to get to a level of comfort.  We love mom Kathy, as well as Alex the bro in law, who calls RLind out on getting emotional in response to fair points from her mom.

This goes on in a similar vein for awhile with various family members, but this author is sleepy so in the end, Goose gets the same response from mom Kathy:  she trusts her daughter, so if her daughter says C for continue, he has her blessing to do that.

Goose and RLind conclude, outside, that the day was a success.

 But we are not done because of course we are not.  Soon, we find ourselves jet setting off to La Rioja, Spain for the final overnight dates.  Rachel steps out of the limo in her espadrilles, excited that it is here, in La Rioja, that she will be proposed to for the “first time in my life.” 

For the first time, we want to shake her.   

So we see a meet-cute type thing with Goose and First Peter interacting with children in the street, before we cut straight to the date with Eric because he is the one she is most confused about.

This date involves a helicopter somewhere, and feeling feelings of love, and drinking wine at an old monastery.  She reveals that she loved his family, as did we (SHOUT OUT TO AUNT VERNA!).  He reveals that he loves her after they ring a bell three times to make their wishes come true.

He gets the fantasy suite card.  They get breakfast.

 Moving on.

Next up is the date with First Peter, exploring a vineyard.  Rachel reveals that First Peter “gets” her more than ANY OTHER PERSON on this “journey.”  That is because he is the one, Rachel.  He is. The. One. 

Soon the owner of the vineyard comes out to give them a tour of the wine cellar.  We love this because he speaks no English to them, they speak no Spanish at all, and ABC provides no translator.  This does not stop the owner, or ABC from showing the owner, talk at length about his family, including his 57 year marriage to his wife, with whom he built the vineyard.  It also does not stop the owner from singing an entire song in Spanish and then giving a toast, before revealing that he has given them a wine cellar with their names on it.

But soon, the serious conversation starts.  RLind reveals that her family believes them to be a good balance for each other.  He reveals that he has a core belief that engagement is a direct reflection of marriage.  Therefore, if you get engaged, the only question is when you are getting married, not whether.  How does she feel about this?

We don’t know because ABC has interrupted the conversation with the highly staged intervention of a 2 year old girl, the apparent granddaughter of the winery owner.  Who invites them to step on grapes.  Which leads to passionate kissing that is not gross, and minimal conversation.

But at dinner it resumes.  Basically, First Peter doesn’t want to propose unless a marriage, in his mind, is certain.  But Rachel feels differently about engagement.  She feels like its just a proposal to cultivate a relationship.  The way she describes it sounds like Duggar style courting. 

“If we want each other in the end, someone has to bend on this,” she declares.

And then both of them say they don’t know where to go from here, and this is an impasse, and a crisis, and now for the first time Rachel feels like she doesn’t see a future with First Peter. 

Really?  REALLY PEOPLE?

Let’s break this down:  This dude is saying he is totally committed, but might not be prepared to be engaged in 9 weeks.  Meanwhile, Rachel is rigidly holding onto the time frame allotted because she wants that golden ticket (engagement) at the prescribed time. 

And this is an impasse?

Girl.

We at the BNU will let Constance speak for us:

Alas we must wait until next week, which is really this week because this Author is still playing catch up, to find out if this “ends things” between them.   

To sleep now. 

-KLo

Fifty Shades Darker Part 8: I Kill You.

Sis-boom-bah Babies we are WEEKS delayed but this Author arrived home AT ALL OF THE 2 AMs from Iceland last night in time to catch up on Hometown dates from two weeks ago and also, Other Items Soon to Follow From Last Week’s Episode of Our Favorite Show.

We immediately go to Baltimore with Eric.  However, we are deeply confused because RLind has deliberately tucked in only one quarter of her shirt:

Gentle readers, though this May Be Hard to Believe, we are not ourselves terribly fashion forward.  I bring you Exhibit A, or this author’s post-hike ode to The German Tourist last week:

But still we will persist because tucking one quarter, and a front quarter at that, makes no more sense than wearing leggings as pants.

In any event, Eric does not notice.  Instead, he catches Rachel as she monkey clips onto him and sits down on a park bench where he says, “So this is the nice part of the city.  This isn’t the part I came from.”   We are beginning to like him more.  We also are endeared to RLind, despite the shirt and monkey clippiness, when she asks Eric if he “wants to get schooled today” when he takes her to a basketball court.  Our Heroine plays in high heels and makes her baskets.

The summary of this Hometown is that we love, love, love Eric’s family.  First we meet cousin Ralph at the basketball court, who tells RLind how proud he is of Eric for taking a different path, getting straight A’s in school, and so forth.  We then love Eric for talking about how all the women in his family are super strong because they’ve done it all on their own, and then we meet said women and LOVE THEM, ESPECIALLY Aunt Verna.

Babies, Aunt Verna is all “Rachel, let’s bring up a word:  R-A-C-E.  How are you dealing with being the first Black Bachelorette?”  And RLind is all, “Let me be straight.  It is a ton of pressure because I’m being judged by two different groups:  the black community and everyone else.”  And Aunt Verna is like “Damn girl, I feel you.” (paraphrased).  Aunt Verna also says that she has no doubt that Eric is ready to get married, and that he is unafraid of commitment despite this being the first time he has brought a lady home. 

Next up, we meet Mom Karen.  We don’t know what has transpired between her and Eric, but based on his conversation with her, we can only guess that she decided to withhold affection from him as a child because she believed that it would make him into a stronger man than those around him.  Eric says  he loves her anyway, and we get a little teary.   But then we REALLY get teary with Dad, who starts to get teary himself when he apologizes to Eric for taking him through all the things he did, and tells Eric how proud of him he is. 

And THEN Eric toasts, declaring that he’s been running from love his whole life but is not running anymore.  We secretly think he is not quite at the same place RLind is occupying at the moment, but this hometown has changed our outlook on Eric and therefore we hold our peace.

Rachel, our legal hero to the end, points out that as he declared his love, he said not “I love you” but rather “I am feeling love for you, and WHAT THAT MEANS IS that I care about you.” That’s right, Gentle Readers, RLind knows that Eric isn’t ready for Looooove either just yet. 

But before we can fully digest this, we are whisked away to Miami to meet Goose and his family.  Once again, Rachel monkeyclips onto Goose.  We begin to suspect that she has been told to do this with every date.

So Goose takes Rachel to domino park, where they lose badly against a couple old men.  He then feeds her an arepa, making this Tiny Author’s mouth water, as our cupboard currently is bare and we ate fish dip for lunch (don’t tell our husband).  And then they go dancing salsa somewhere on Calle Ocho, during which time RLind head butts Goose.   Meanwhile, Goose tries to prepare RLind for his family: “so my dad Joe is charismatic, soft spoken, charming.  My mom on the other hand . . . . I’m her only child.  But I think as long as they see the love and affection we feel for each other, it will all be fine.”

We wish, wish, wish that we were watching this with KMu and ABe at this very moment.  Lo, for we are suddenly thrust into “Dos Mujeres y Une Triscuit,” SNL’s version of a telenovela, upon meeting Goose’s mom. 

“Bryan is MY LIFE.  He is my pride.  For me, a woman that separated him from me would be terrible,” she says with a martial glint in her eye.

 “You’ve been out with so, so many girls, my son.  And yet, you go on a show, and you fall in love with the girl on the show???? I’m amazed.” She continues in 1:1 time with Goose.

Clanging the tornado siren, Goose’s unnamed female relative unloads on Goose’s ex to RLind:  “Oh yes, Bryan’s prior girlfriend’s DEMISE was in not wanting to share Bryan with the family.  That was her DEMISE, for sure.”

 And then in 1:1 time with RLind, Mom warns her:

Mom:  “Bryan is bery bery close to us. He is my life.  But I just want to advise you, to give you a word of warning.  You are marrying the family too.  If He’s happy, I’m happy.  If not . . . . I’ll kill you.”

RLind: [awkward silence] . . . [burst of nervous laughter].

Mom:   “This morning, I went to mass.” [starts crying].   “Because I was asking god that if you are the one, and he is happy, then I am happy.”

This is terrifying.  But Goose leads RLind out on the porch swing and kisses her (GAH! We scream on behalf of the BNU).  He declares his happiness, and THEN HIS LOVE.  Oh oh oh, for he doesn’t want to hold these feelings back any more!”  RLind is giddy, allowing herself to feel “all of the feels.”  

We are feeling all of the feels too, but it is because NOW WE ARE IN MADISON WITH FIRST PETER.  We pause in silent mediation of his hotness:

But Rachel MONKEY CLIP KISSES AGAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING.  We anticipate ABC coaching her: “First, you are going to run to each man and jump onto him when you meet.  Then, when meeting the family, you will begin by talking to them about how you first met” because that has happened in all of these dates.

We learn that First Peter goes to the Farmer’s Market every Saturday, and is taking RLind there.  And also, to his favorite bar, where he went with some friends before he left for the show, and is now surprising RLind by throwing those friends on her as well.  Meanwhile, RLind worries that First Peter is keeping his walls up and not progressing in the relationship.

This should be concerning to us except that we have stopped listening because one of First Peter’s friends looks like, and is also built like, Dwayne The Rock Johnson. 

Goodness.  What is in the water in Madison? 

So the friends warn RLind that First Peter can be a “little goofy.”  And then, First Peter steals his guy friends for some private time, where he reveals that it is “f-ing terrifying” to him that he would have to be proposing in three weeks.  The one guy is like “Don’t be afraid of the future, man, because when you know it’s the right person, it won’t feel stressful.”  But Dwayne the Rock Johnson is like “Don’t F--- it up, man.” 

Next up, dinner with First Peter’s family in Cottage Grove.  First Peter confesses to the camera that he doesn’t know if he’s ready to get engaged.  It “could happen,” but he’s “not there yet.”  And also, he “hopes for clarity after today.”  Oh Dear.

We meet Mom Lynn, Dad Gary, Brother Gary (?) and his wife Brooke, and their kids Hudson and Charlotte.  We learn that First Peter accidentally grabbed RLind’s butt on the first night of the show, and also that while there is chemistry between them, Mom Lynn isn’t really sure he’s ready for a marriage proposal yet.  “Commitment, yes,” however.  But RLind isn’t interested in having yet another boyfriend out of this process—she wants to be ENGAGED, damn it.   And in four years, she wants to be married with at least one kid.  We respect that, and don’t blame her.  First Peter is like 35 years old.  This is not an unreasonable expectation of a man that age. 

We begin to worry more after dinner, when First Peter does not profess his love but instead tells RLind that he is “very happy” and wants to “keep seeing where things go.” 

Last up, Aspen Colorado with Dean Go Black/Not Back.  Spoiler alert:  Monkey clip kiss begins this date.

But we feel bad for Dean GBNB, who is totally stressed to see his dad, with whom he has not spoken in 2 years.  But he takes RLind to ride ATVs first, which RLind loves.   She calls him her “beautiful surprise,” on this show, which we think is super nice except holy shit that surprise is going to Get Real when they meet the whole family in a few hours.  Babies.  BABIES.  The family has not been together all under one roof in EIGHT YEARS and ABC is going to film their first meeting.

As they walk up to the front door off Dean GBNB’s dad’s house, Dean says he is “legitimately terrified” and we feel bad for him.  As warned previously, we are going to be meeting Dean’s brothers Brad and Ross, Brad’s girlfriend, and Dean’s sister Skye.  Also, Dean’s dad became some kind of Kundalini yogi and shaman six years ago, after apparently living a fairly conservative life up to that point.  He has given himself a new name, Parumrup (“divinely beautiful”) and also, has a new wife named Santantar.

When Dean GBNB and RLind arrive, the whole family is sitting on a floor in a circle.  They don’t have a table.  And Parumrup requests that everyone lay on the floor with their heads pointing towards him because he is going to play the gong for them, which is “quite cleansing.”  He then delivers feathers to Dean and to RLind in memory of Dean’s mom.   And they eat mung beans and vegetables together.  We feel painfully awkward for them.

But then Dean asks for some 1:1 time with his dad and it all goes in the toilet.  And we are not going to make fun of any of it because this is our assessment:  Dean’s dad broke in half when his mom died.  He didn’t know how to do anything but make money for the family, so that’s what he did, and left them to fend for themselves in every other way. This broke Dean – which Dean’s Dad cannot look straight in the face so he won’t let Dean talk about it.  

Babies, we at the BNU understand lighting a match to drop behind you when you leave, as well as we understand being left in scorch mark.

So, we aren’t going to tease Parumrup, or Dean, except to say that we hope this whole family finds ways to have family again, together or apart.  We also give mad props to Rachel, who seeks Parumrup out after he leaves the house in a huff, in order to try to connect. 

When RLind finds Dean laying on the floor of the house later on, Dean swears he is falling in love with her and she SAYS IT BACK.  She later says, which is probably more true, that she suspects Dean is having difficulty processing all of his emotions and doesn’t exactly know how to feel about anything.

We feel tired.  And not just because of the jet lags.

In the final minutes, we find ourselves in Houston at a rose ceremony, where Rachel tells the four men that “to the person she has to say goodbye to tonight,” she’s so sorry, and that she wants him to know that he is an amazing person, and that she’s sorry to do this.

And she picks:  

1. Goose.

2. Eric.

3.  Aaaaaaand (holy shit):  FIRST PETER. 

Dean goes home, shocked and confused.  He did not see this coming, particularly after she returned his declaration of love.  We feel bad for him.

Onward.  

KLo

Fifty Shades Darker Part 7: Team First Peter

We have some Morning Announcements.  Remember how we went hiking in The Montanas two years ago and didn’t have interwebs and so the BNU was A Bit Twitty with its time delay?   Well, we are hiking In the remote wilds of the Icelands (or as the French say, The EEEES-LONDS) for the next two weeks and may not have interwebs AT ALL.  So, there either will be no BNU . . .  or a BNU at Twitty Times . . .  or possibly three BNUs when we get home in August – we just don’t know.  It will be like a surprise for all of us!  And also, it is This Author’s birthday next week so none of you will give us any grief about it.

In any event, here we are in Geneva, Switzerland.  Oh!  It has mountains!  And Cobblestones!  And Romance!   RLind has dressed up for the occasion in This Authors’ high school spandex miniskirt, which was black, short, and looked excellent with clogs.   We take a dim view to our Heroine’s decision to pair it with high heels on the cobblestones.  As she picks her way down the street, she swears she is determined to “follow her heart and gut and see who rises above the rest.”

“I’m rising right now, just thinking of you girl” murmurs this author on behalf of the men.

So there are six guys left and the only thing we care about is that First Peter is wearing I-Ate-Too-Many-Carrots-Poop-Brown-Pants.

“He’s hot but I’m not into brown pants,” says ABe.  

Our Heroine announces that she is doing things differently this week, with three 1:1 dates and one 3:1 group date.  There will be no rose ceremony this week.  Ooooo. 

ABe:  “So there are going to be six dates, right?”
KLo:  “Hahahahhaha.”
ABe.  “Wait, don’t put that in the blog.”

RLind warns the guys to “trust her” in the making of decisions about this process and not get in their heads.  And then she picks Goose for her first 1:1.  WTF.  Worse still, this is supposed to a “luxurious date,” so out of the gate, they approach a Bentley.  Which Goose gets to drive, instead of her.

KMu:  “WTF, she doesn’t get to drive? She’s the bachelorette; she should get to drive.”
ABe:  “But this is the princess date, KMu.  Everybody knows [HUGE BELCH] princesses don’t drive.”

But now Goose is telling us that he feels all #blessed to go on this date.  Which involves going to a Breitling store and picking out watches.  Goose reveals that he wore a Swatch back in the day and that this is “exceeding his expectations.”

ABe & This Author in chorus:  “Exceeds Expectations.”  We love us some Harry Potter.

But then this happens:

Goose:  “I like the black one.”
RLind:  “DO you . . ?
Goose:  “I mean, obviously. . . “
The Entire BNU:  “GAAAAAAAAH.”

So she buys him a watch which KMu, resident investigator, advises retails for over $7,000.   In exchange, he eats her entire face:

We become worried as this date continues.  RLind declares that she feels like she is in the right place at the right time with the right person with Goose.  Setting the bar high for herself, she also expresses wonderment that she did not “run away” when Goose declared his love earlier in the season.  Oh, and she loves his quiet, strong confidence.

So they take a boat, and then go to dinner on stage at the theater.  Which would be drafty but whatever.   At dinner, our Heroine declares that she loves that Goose is “not phased by my deficiencies in the love department” and we chastise her to speak better of herself.  Meanwhile, Goose reveals that as a child, he had an earring and she reveals that she went to private school and wore a plaid skirt.

Goose:  “Let’s talk about your last relationship?”
RLind:  “Let’s talk about yours.  What was it?”
Goose:  “It was eerily similar to what we have going on because it was passionate, hot and heavy.  But I noticed little things about her.  Like, she wasn’t ready to compromise and meet MY MOM halfway.   And then she told me she was breaking up with me because of MY MOM.”

ABe: “Wait.  May defense approach the bench?”
KMu:  “I have some questions.”
ABe:  “Side bar, your honor?”

Rachel gives Goose the rose anyway.  Goose responds that he will “cherish” it “forever” and “cannot wait” for various items.

KMu:  “What’s up with his language?  It’s like half relaxed (hot and heavy, girl) and half . . . “
“Romance Novel,” supplies this Author.

And then musicians pop out of the theater boxes and start playing a Bach Minuet.  Gentle readers, 100 years ago when this Author was 15, our ballet company conspired with the local Symphony, WITHOUT WARNING, to place aging warblers in the theater boxes to sing the “ahhhhhs” in the Snow Scene of the Nutcracker.  This Author, who was attempting a series of dramatic pique turns around a group of our colleagues when The Aging Warblers Sprung Forth, nearly fell on our ass and also, lost an earring down the bodice of a colleague. 

Thereafter, this Author got her ears pierced and we like to think Everyone Learned A Valuable Lesson about LARPing in the Nutcracker.  As we try to explain this all to KMu and ABe, they cut to the chase:

KMu:  “But you weren’t making out, right?”
ABe:  “That would be a different kind of nutcracker.”
KMu:  “And there’s the name of this particular romance we are now witnessing:  the Nutcracker.”

While this tragedy is unfolding, the next date card comes for Dean Go Black/Not Back:  “Dean, Put On Your Sunday Best.”   Dean GB/NB tells Adam of the Dolls: “don’t punch me in the face.”  You see, babies, Adam is complaining that he has not gotten a 1:1 date, and if only he did, Rachel would see how fabulous he is.  We hate him.

For this date, RLind takes Dean to Christmas Eve In this Author’s Life, also known as Catholic mass in French. 

For All of Us, ABe Speaks the Truth.   “It’s Switzerland, yo!  They should be going to a MENNONITE service. COME ON.”

Blah blah they understand not a word and then talk to a couple that has been married for 40 years after service, followed by dancing to the music of an organ grinder in front of the church.

KMu: “They were just grinding to the organ grinder’s tune.”

We have no words.

This date is making us a little nuts because Dean GB/NB is being given an absolute gift:  RLind is explicit that she needs more information from him, and what types of information he needs.  And this is what is happening:

Rachel on a Bridge:  “I’d like to learn about you.”
Dean.  [SILENCE].
Rachel at the dinner table.  “Tell me about your family.”
Dean:  “DO you believe in the tooth fairy?”
Rachel at the dinner table again.  “Tell me about your feelings regarding your family.”
Dean:  “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

Rachel begins to wonder if Dean is mature enough for her.  Girl, he is TWENTY-FIVE.  You are THIRTY-TWO. Run.  The Frack. Away.

But then Dean GB/NB opens up, revealing that the reason for his avoidance is that his family is “not the one she wants to meet” because his dad abandoned him at age 15 after Dean’s mom died, and then basically went off the deep end “right when I needed him most.”  He would have preferred her to see the family he had before age 15, and not the one he now has, where his dad is not an emotional compass for him or, he feels, a reflection of what his family was.

Our heart breaks for Dean.  We think Rachel’s does a little as well, as she explains that she doesn’t need or expect him to have a family like hers – she has that already.  She just wants to see who is the most important in HIS life.   We take a moment to appreciate the Class Act that is this season’s Bachelorette.  

In the end, Dean gets a rose and a fountain shoots up in the background as they kiss.
The BNU:  “HAHAHHA.”

Next on Deck:   The last 1:1 date with . . . .FIRST PETER.  She meets him in field by a helicopter and he is so blindingly hot that a hush falls over the BNU.

ABe:  “I’m going to need some alone time.”

First Peter and RLind are taking a helicopter to the top of a glacier in the French Alps.  She looks so happy.  WE are so happy looking at him.  “Do you realize you were the first 1:1 and my last 1:1?” she tells him and we DO realize it in the moment and feel IT IS MAGICAL.

They go dog sledding.  And then talk while sitting in the snow and in the freezing cold.  As ice crystals literally form on First Peter’s head, he tells Rachel that on bad days, he doesn’t know if he wants to stay (but in a nice way).

KMu:  “So you know the end of The Shining where Jack Nicholson freezes to death?  That’s where we are going here.”

Then First Peter pounces on RLind.  “This is surprisingly warm” he says as RLind giggles and we love him forever.

At dinner, our crush continues.

First Peter:  “I haven’t been this excited about a person in a very long time.
ABe:  “We haven’t felt that way either, First Peter.  Watching this show season after goddamn season.”

RLind: “You were really honest with me today, which is hard for me sometimes.  Have you ever brought a black girl home to meet your family?”
First Peter:  “I’ve never brought a black WOMAN home.”

 First Peter just scored 1,000 points with the BNU.

Then Peter tears up, telling her about how he broke the heart of his last girlfriend and blames himself for it because he hadn’t given his all to the relationship.  And that he is ready to Level Up now.  And we actually believe him, but he says that he’s not going to propose if he doesn’t feel ready for it in the end, but that he really really really likes her.  And also, he doesn’t use the word “love” lightly but he feels it is moving “in that direction.”

We get annoyed by Rachel, who in the face of this brutal honesty tells the camera that she is stressed he would not propose in the end.

KMu:  “Wait, so do you care about getting proposed to, or the guy?”

We chalk it up to ABC trying to throw dust in our eyes.  TEAM FIRST PETER.   

He gets the rose on this date.

At last we are on the 3:1 date:  “Tomorrow will be difficult.  I don’t know what else to say.” Says the card.

Adam of the Dolls: “I don’t like the word ‘difficult.’  I’ve never lived by that word.”  We hate him.

On this date, Eric, Adam of the Dolls, and Matt are going to France on a boat.   We don’t know what is happening with RLind’s outfit, which is like a cropped sweater, a hat, a huge coat and scarf.   The men are all wearing London Fog coats.  One jumps up and down and another claps when they learn they get to go to France.

This date is just  . . .meh.  Adam talks about himself, Matt basically is the nicest guy ever, and Eric talks about having a challenging upbringing. 

Of course Matt gets the boot first.  As tears stream down her face, RLind explains that she has had a soft spot for him because he reminds her so much of herself.  She lets him down easy, explaining that its been a real pleasure to know him, and has meant a lot to her for him to participate in this process.  And then she kisses him TWICE.  ON THE LIPS. As she says goodbye.  We are pretty sure that has never happened ever. 

ABe:  “I feel like she is a composite of the BNU.”

KMu: “Its like the three of us had a baby and she’s on this show!  Fly baby bird, fly!”

We secretly think any baby bird of This Author would more closely resemble An Old Cat but we keep quiet.

Matt is equally grown-up, expressing that he hopes for all positive things in her life as he drives off in the limo.   The BNU likes Matt and concludes that she probably axed him first because out of these three dudes, she liked him the most and didn’t want to drag this out.

Which is why we are now left with Adam, who declares that Rachel “Put me on this date for a reason.  This is the cherry on top of everything I’ve built.”  And then, when RLind calls him out on saying that only a “part of him” is falling in love, he explains that without constant affirmation, he pulls back.  And also: “You know that moment, when I picked you up and spun you around in the grass after mudwrestling?  That’s when the part of me started to fall.”  

Hahahahaha. And also, oh dear.

Blahdy blah, and now here comes Eric.  Salient take-away:  He is 29 years old and has never brought a woman home.  At the same time, he’s never known his parents to be together, we think his dad is in jail, and various immediate family members have committed various crimes.   We feel terrible for Eric, who pretty much sounds like he raised himself.

Rachel:  “So who helps Eric?”
Eric:  “Well, that’s why I’m here.”
ABe: “Child, go heal thyself.”

In the end, RLind gives the rose to Eric.  As she walks Adam out, he tells her that he doesn’t want her to feel like “things would have been different if she had kept Adam.”
ABe:  “She’s not thinking that.  Don’t worry.”

In the car, Adam declares that she has made a huge mistake. “Massive.”  Yes, it is all about you, Adam.

So now we are down to Goose, Dean GB/NB, First Peter, and Eric.  And the BNU will be continued until An unknown time in the next several weeks. 

Love, KLo